feelings about a girl I felt was the one

[hueylew]

I've been in a long-distance relationship ("i mean the other side of the world" far) for 1,5 years now with my girlfriend. I'm 21, and she's a a year older.

 

We met when I was doing voluntary work in her country and we were together for only about 2 weeks there. In fact, I lost my virginity to her. We decided to keep on going and try to make it work since we really cared about each other. Then we were apart for 10 months (talking every day, skyping.. texting..), after that we had this incredible summer together (2,5 months) travelling in Europe for a bit and then traveled to my home with her. I introduced her to my family (I already met her's when we first met) I felt incredible with her, we truly loved each other. Then after that summer she had to go back to her country and it was devastating to both of us to be apart again. Both of us in tears..

 

Now we have been apart again for about 5 months but during this time we have had lots of conflicts and fights; we have a bit different interests and we are maybe slightly different as people but she says that that's what makes us suit for each other so well.

 

Recently I found out some disturbing sexual facts about her past before we were together, I told her how i felt and now I have been depressed for days because of it. I mean the things I found out weren't that bad, but they are quite against my values and make me feel like ****. It's definitely a cultural problem too for us to have these differences, but I felt like it changed my perspective of her and I don't know what to do next..

I also feel very insecure about that she has had more sexual partners.

 

I truly love her but I'm so confused with everything

I'm going to visit her in 9 days (7000 miles away)..

[ExpatInItaly]

What was it you found out that disturbs you?

[hueylew]

it was 3 days ago

[hueylew]

and they were some old emails that she had sent to her best friend describing sexual acts with a man, it was really disturbif to read, and i never thought she once was like that

[privategal]

I've been in a long-distance relationship ("i mean the other side of the world" far) for 1,5 years now with my girlfriend. I'm 21, and she's a a year older.

 

We met when I was doing voluntary work in her country and we were together for only about 2 weeks there. In fact, I lost my virginity to her. We decided to keep on going and try to make it work since we really cared about each other. Then we were apart for 10 months (talking every day, skyping.. texting..), after that we had this incredible summer together (2,5 months) travelling in Europe for a bit and then traveled to my home with her. I introduced her to my family (I already met her's when we first met) I felt incredible with her, we truly loved each other. Then after that summer she had to go back to her country and it was devastating to both of us to be apart again. Both of us in tears..

 

Now we have been apart again for about 5 months but during this time we have had lots of conflicts and fights; we have a bit different interests and we are maybe slightly different as people but she says that that's what makes us suit for each other so well.

 

Recently I found out some disturbing sexual facts about her past before we were together, I told her how i felt and now I have been depressed for days because of it. I mean the things I found out weren't that bad, but they are quite against my values and make me feel like ****. It's definitely a cultural problem too for us to have these differences, but I felt like it changed my perspective of her and I don't know what to do next..

I also feel very insecure about that she has had more sexual partners.

 

I truly love her but I'm so confused with everything

I'm going to visit her in 9 days (7000 miles away)..

 

Her past is her past. If you loved her without knowing it, it seems you can just focus on present and future. Her past doesn't seem to be your only trouble though. Your communication, your cultural or religious beliefs, they will weigh more heavily on whether you want to stay together and can see a future so I don't think her past sexual morals have to be the same as yours, it doesn't make you right or her wrong, she doesn't have to align with your beliefs unless it is a deal breaker for you.

Id look at the big picture, do you love her, trust her, can you TRULY see a future with her, as a mother, as a wife?

If so, let the petty fights and her past go and focus on loving her, being patient with distance and communication, try and allow for arguments but resolve to learn from them and get stronger rather than letting them tear you apart. You have some decisions to make.

[hueylew]

Her past is her past. If you loved her without knowing it, it seems you can just focus on present and future. Her past doesn't seem to be your only trouble though. Your communication, your cultural or religious beliefs, they will weigh more heavily on whether you want to stay together and can see a future so I don't think her past sexual morals have to be the same as yours, it doesn't make you right or her wrong, she doesn't have to align with your beliefs unless it is a deal breaker for you.

Id look at the big picture, do you love her, trust her, can you TRULY see a future with her, as a mother, as a wife?

If so, let the petty fights and her past go and focus on loving her, being patient with distance and communication, try and allow for arguments but resolve to learn from them and get stronger rather than letting them tear you apart. You have some decisions to make.

 

I feel like it would be more or less a deal breaker if I would find out that she still has these morals, even though it hasn't occurred to me during the time we've been together. It has just been very difficult to cope with it when you find out such things (also I'm understanding here that the feeling originates from me being the more inexperienced one).

I find it unlikely that a person changes that much through time though (well.. then again she was younger back then); but the worst part of this is that she doesn't realize that it was morally wrong to be like this. She even said that everybody around her are like this.. I was like

 

I've been suffering for days from thoughts that what if I'm doing the wrong decision when I stay with her and can be even more hurt eventually.

[Miss Peach]

It sounds like you need to have a discussion around her values. Was this just something she was trying or experimenting with? Is it something she's happy not to do again?

 

My current BF's sexual values are much more conservative than mine. I am quite a bit more open minded about sex. But I am perfectly happy to bend to his in our relationship as I don't feel I need to go to the crazy side of things. In fact I don't know if I would want to with him. Even though we are a bit different there we have agreed to what we want in our relationship together.

[justwhoiam]

1. Where is she from?

2. Where are you from?

3. What was disturbing exactly, the fact that a) she was describing intimate things in detail to a friend or that b) she engaged in sexual acts that disgust you, or that c) you read about her being with another man in details you'd rather not know?

4. What are your values and morals you talk about? Because honestly, you had sex with a girl living on the other side of the world and that you knew you'd probably never see again, and all that within two weeks from meeting her. And she agreed to that. What did you think her morals were? And again, what were yours?

5. What sexual acts do you consider immoral?