A Good Marriage

[BetheButterfly]

I understand that many people come to Loveshack because their marriage is hurting by the weeds of cheating or any other poison that kills marriages.

 

So, I think we need a thread that can help people understand what it takes to have a good marriage.

 

My parents, who have been married for 40 years, have had ups and downs in their marriage, but their marriage is thriving because they have decided to love each other and be a team together.

 

Because my Dad has bipolar, which is difficult for some marriages to endure, he takes meds to be able to live in harmony with my Mom. This was a huge sacrifice for him to make, since he didn't want to go to doctors and take meds.

 

My Mom made a huge sacrifice in deciding to stay with Dad instead of leaving like many women would have done in her case.

 

They didn't stay together because of their kids. They stay together because they decided that they will always love each other and they are a team together.

 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years! While we have difficulties and are not perfect, I am so glad I married him and I'm also so glad for my parents' example in what a good marriage looks like, in spite of the storms of life that try to tear it apart. I believe we have a good marriage because we both love each other and see us a team, not as enemies who are on 2 different sides.

 

So, for people who have good marriages, how did you get that? Did you work hard for it, like my parents do?

[BetheButterfly]

Some great advice from elderly couples who have been married for a long time...

 

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

For me it was a change in mindset. I am an only child & married late in life. I was used to doing a solo act. I had to readjust to being a team, instead of thinking what was best for me, I thought about what was best for us.

[TX-SC]

Married 20 years here. My parents divorced when I was 10, but each remarried into long term marriages. Mybrother has been married nearly 35 years. It really has not been difficult to be happily married with my wife. We have a few arguments but nothing drastic. Things are hard now because my teen daughter has depression and my preteen daughter is messy and always late, but as for the marriage itself, steady as a rock. We communicate well so I think that helps a lot. Really, it's mostly our hard headed kids that causes friction these days. We co-own a business together yet still have no issues. I have a much higher libido than she does, but I knew that going into the marriage. I make do. I think it mostly boils down to seeing my wife not only as my spouse and lover, but also as my best friend. I don't need to go out on the town without her. I don't need time with the guys. I just like hanging out with her.

[Skot02]

Great suggestion! Can't wait to read people's advices!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

As indicated in the original post, a good marriage ebbs and flows in many ways. . . Sacrifices will be made by both parties at different times.

 

Married almost 22 years here. I think that I have a good marriage, without a doubt. But I am always looking for ways to make it better. That is undoubtedly one of the keys to a good marriage. Realizing that it needs constant work and attention. I read something along these lines here recently - when the grass starts looking greener, it's definitely time to tend to your lawn!

 

We made a commitment, and we both honor it. I really don't know what I would do without her. She is central to life as I know it. I hope that we are not co-dependent (who am I fooling, we probably are!) - but I genuinely have come to a place where I feel much more mature in my paradigm. . . I enjoy what we have each and every day, sometimes more than others, and some days I wouldn't even call it enjoying. . . maybe misery! But, when it is all rolled together it is our story. Mine and hers to share.

 

I try to be the best I can in every way. . . I am very confident that I am a great provider, leader, husband, father. And, if I am really honest, at the same time, I am EVEN MORE CONFIDENT that I can do much, much better. Ah, the realization, that we are human, can only do so much, and that we will make mistakes. It is a part of life.

 

I want to improve and change HER many ways. But when I stop and think about it deeply, I want nothing more than the wisdom to know (and remember, especially in the moment), that I can only change and improve myself. She WILL follow my lead. It's only natural. I have to realize it and remind myself each and every day!

 

I hope and pray everyday that we may set a great example for our children. . . whatever challenges come our way - we can work through them if we choose to - we WILL work through any challenge!

 

My whole entire life's culmination is essentially our family. My wife and I, and the 5 children we are raising, each and every day. That is the most important thing that I will leave behind when I leave this earth! My hope is for that to be many many years from now 50++, so that I can spend as much time as possible with my wife and kids!

 

From good to great. That's the daily challenge for my marriage! Loving life each and every day!

[xxoo]

I don't personally feel that I've worked hard at my marriage. Marriage/being part of a family inspires me to work hard in general, and it is certainly a lot of work to raise kids, work, keep a home, etc.

 

It was an attitude shift at some point to drop the "I" and focus on the "we". I was young, immature, and selfish when we married. But once we both made that shift, marriage itself has been mostly a pleasure. A port in the storm. Home.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

How about providing hope? Tell me about the worst most ****tiest times you had with your wife. Then tell me how you worked it out, or moved past it.

 

This thread is a slap in the face of those stuggling with their M. Its like "let me show you how its done" without actually showing how to do it, just the end results. Doubt this thread will get any traction. A lot of people are here to grow, weather in a relationship, or moving on from one. Want your thread to have traction and responses, you have to give us who are struggling something to relate to.

[jnel921]

Marriage is not about finding the right person... its being the right person.

 

I don't believe any M is perfect. I think in every one you have problems. The key is to work together as partners. Set goals, accomplish them together, live your dreams, encourage and support your S.Agree to disagree. Keep it interesting, exciting and always have things to talk about. Keep it fresh in the bedroom and consistent.

 

When thing get old and quiet its time to reassess and work on it again. If you love your S then you will continue to do the work.

[BetheButterfly]

How about providing hope?

 

I hope this thread does provide hope for people who want a good marriage with their partner.

Tell me about the worst most ****tiest times you had with your wife. Then tell me how you worked it out, or moved past it.

Ok, though I'm a woman (the redhead in the pic) and I've only been married for 4 years. I was thinking of people with more experience than mesharing their advice , and I hope they respond to you too!

 

The following are the 3 most hardest times I've had with my husband and how we have worked it out.

 

1. First massive fight

 

Around 2 or 3 years ago, I did something my husband did not agree with at all. I brought a homeless lady around my age to live with us. When he refused to let her stay, I got really mad at him and threatened divorce (which wasn't good for me to do). This was our first massive fight.

 

When we went to church, one of our mentor couples (who recently celebrated their 50th anniversary) ran into us. My hubby asked them to speak with me and I was even more furious. However, they helped me understand his position on the issue.

 

My husband also called my Mom, which really surprised me, and my Mom took his side of the argument. Again, I was furious, but my Mom has been my best friend for a long time, knows me better than anybody else, and knows how to calm me down.

 

So, how we worked it out is that I listened to the counsel of my Mom and the mentor couple who attended our wedding and wanted to see our marriage thrive, not shrivel and die.

 

2. "Ugly"

 

I got super mad at my hubby for calling something I made "feo" (ugly). To me, that was really rude and I was so upset. How he made it up to me was by apologizing and never saying that again about anything. He has since never ever used that word to describe anything lol. I think he put that word on his "do not use" list.

 

3. "Ignorant"

 

My husband got upset with me for saying he was ignorante to his immigration lawyer. I didn't know this was an insult in Spanish. To me, being ignorant is not an insult but rather a fact. For example, I'm ignorant about football teams. I don't think that's insulting myself, but rather a fact.

Since he explained to me how he interprets his word, I profusely apologized and put that word on my "do not use" list. I've never said that about him again, either in his hearing or in his absence.

 

 

This thread is a slap in the face of those stuggling with their M. Its like "let me show you how its done" without actually showing how to do it, just the end results. Doubt this thread will get any traction. A lot of people are here to grow, weather in a relationship, or moving on from one. Want your thread to have traction and responses, you have to give us who are struggling something to relate to.

I am sorry you consider it a slap in the face. It really depends on how you view advice and if you view a glass half full or half empty. I think the other posters have already given different issues to relate to, which people who have difficult marriages can decide to learn from or reject and view in a negative light. It's really up to each person how they view things.

 

Since my husband and I are still in our "honeymoon stage" our difficult times are not as difficult as other harder issues. For example, my parents' decades of experience and issues with my Dad's bipolar can hopefully help people who experience a mental disorder in their marriage. Since they can get past a difficult mental disorder, other people can get past difficulties too.

 

A good marriage is not a magic trick. It's like a garden that is carefully cultivated. It really helps to get advice from people who have been married longer and who have more experience in what makes their marriages thrive instead of wither away.

Edited January 15, 2016 by BetheButterfly

[Montsan]

I have been married for 35 years. One thing I learned that will lead to a happy marriage is to be selfless. Try to put your spouse's wants and needs above your own. It took me a few years of marriage to suddenly realize that that is exactly what my wife had been doing for me all along, and when I discovered that, I resolved to do the same for her.

[kgcolonel]

We are into our 33 year of marital bliss (sarcastically). Really a very good marriage but anyone expecting "bliss" all the time is in a land of fairy tales etc.

 

My wife and i come from different but very disfunctional homes....hers physically and emotional abusive, mine bi-polar, mentally ill mother who never wanted to "be" a mother and yet had two boys, me being the oldest.

 

She brought the abusive component into our home and relationship and I brought the isolation method of dealing with conflict and issues. Salt and pepper for sure however, we both are fortunately very committed people. Either one of us could have thrown in the towel but chose to stay and work on the relationship and listen to what others tell us. Thirty three years later, we are still working on the relationship, in MC, not to save but to improve our M. We love each other very much and work VERY HARD to improve ourselves for the betterment of the years we have remaining.

 

We do not look over the fence to see or compare what we don't have compared to others because until you really walk in their shoes you truly don't know exactly what it is that they have. We do not jeopardize our individual integrity which would result in a collapse in our trust and joint efforts in doing for the other.

 

We try to understand where the other is coming from etc......I really hope this helps.

Edited January 15, 2016 by kgcolonel

[central]

The more compatible you are in values, beliefs, goals, and (at least some) interests, the easier things tend to be. One of the key areas of compatibility - and the one that often creates the greatest unhappiness and contention if you're not - is sexual compatibility.

 

 

Beyond such compatibility, there is attitude. If you try to treat each other in the ways they like to be treated, and strive to minimize areas of contention, you'll be happier. In such marriages, there may not be much work required to have a deep bond and happiness.

 

 

My first marriage lacked sufficient compatibility, and despite a LOT of work and effort on my part - which was not reciprocated most of the time - it failed. I was the right person - she was not, and nothing could change her nature especially as she didn't want to change or compromise. No amount of work - even when both participate - can fix some problems.

 

 

This marriage is as ideal as I can imagine. We are highly compatible in all important ways, and truly want each other to be happy and do things to encourage that happening. We communicate well and quickly deal with any issues so they don't grow or cause resentment. We assume the best about each other, and typically get exactly that. So, we are each the right person, and we've both found the right person who works for us - both are necessary, IMO.

[georgia girl]

We haven't been married all that long but I think our marriage is amazing. We definitely took our time finding and dating each other, but then my husband (then boyfriend) had a dangerous training accident when preparing for a triathlon. At the moment, we faced the possibility of losing each other. That struck an element of fear in both of us of which we are always mindful.

 

Obviously, not everyone experiences that but for us, I think it helped us to define what is important to us in our marriage. We wrote our own vows and promised to put our relationship first but to never lose our sense of self. To me, that is the key to happiness. I put our marriage first but I am still my own person. In the same way, my husband does the same. It allows us each to continue to grow while also feeling wholly supported by the one person who should always be in your corner.

 

I am embarrassed to say we don't argue. We are still newlyweds. But I also think we learned so much from the crash. If no one's life is in danger and no one is in the ICU with multiple broken bones, there's nothing to argue about. Of course, we are both careful not to take advantage of each other. Love, respect and a common sense of purpose. That's what it's all about to me.