Wife to Vegas, Girls Weekend, Clubbing?

[The D Train]

Would you be concerned in this situation to let my wife go on the ever popular "girls weekend" to Vegas or other city to go bar hopping or just locally to bars or clubbing?

 

 

Some background info. We are both mid 40s with two kids, married 15+ years. I am a conservative guy and I admit a little controlling at times but mostly laid back. My wife does hang out or will go out with her girl friends about 2X month usually at one of their houses (in our neighborhood) or to a local restaurant to have drinks & a bite to eat. She is usually home by midnight but occasionally she loses track of time and I have to prod her to come home - more on that later. On the flip side, my social activities include her 99% of the time aside from watching a football game at neighbors house or a work happy hour about 2-3 times per year.

 

 

She has lost a fair amount of weight and feels much better about herself now and I am happy for her. She has mentioned about taking a girls trip to Vegas which I remained silent on and those Vegas plans faded away b/c. Even when we went to vegas together she headed down to the casino-bar to play video poker by herself while I got ready and guys next to her were hitting on her and bought her drinks.

 

 

She is a VERY social person and is very friendly and I think guys see that as an "opportunity" if I am not around. For example, we recently went on a cruise and she initiated talking with various couples at one of the bars. The next night at the bar she was hugging all the husbands of the couples we had just met the night before.

 

 

My main concern for this is that alcoholism runs in her family and occasionally she loses control when she drinks too much. She becomes almost like a different person, doesn't know when to stop, I have to drag her away from drinking/social situations. One night last week she had a bit much to drink and she initiated sex. She did not remember it the next morning. No jokes please.

 

 

She is also a very conservative person and would never knowingly cheat but I worry if she drinks too much she will put herself in a very bad situation. There also the constant worrying I would do while she is away.

 

 

What would you do? Does her drinking issues allow me to be a bit more controller of her? Feel free to ask other questions.

[BetheButterfly]

 

What would you do? Does her drinking issues allow me to be a bit more controller of her? Feel free to ask other questions.

 

You should not try to control her. She is her own person.

 

Could you talk to her about going to a cool place with you instead of going to Las Vegas without you?

 

Women are diverse. Personally, I would not want to go to Las Vegas period. I'd much prefer going to the beach with my hubby than going to a casino.

 

Maybe you could persuade her to give up her Las Vegas trip to have a cool trip with you? Persuade is the key word here, not force or control or stop her trip. It has to be her own initiative to stop her own trip. Some women will stop their plans in favor of a better plan. For example, if my husband's plan is more alluring to me than mine, I will happily stop my plan and go along with my husband's.

[The D Train]

You should not try to control her. She is her own person.

 

Could you talk to her about going to a cool place with you instead of going to Las Vegas without you?

 

Maybe "controlling" is too strong of a word here. How about express my disapproval and concerns but let her make the final decision?

 

 

We do take vacations together frequently but I think she sees me as the wet blanket at times - I want to be in bed by mid night. She likes to have girl time too which she gets frequently.

[lolablue17]

You have a point raising your concerns.

 

1. She has passed out in the past, not remembering anything.

2. You've already seen her touching guys, when you're there, what could have happened if you weren't there?

3. Vegas has an effect on people, women and men.

 

I believe that people are always allowed to express their concerns in marriage and more to that - They are allowed to expect that their concerns will be treated seriously.

 

For example, I go to many vacations alone (Mostly skiing). But if my wife would have been worried about a specific vacation no matter why, i would have been trying to make her to feel secure and safe. For example, if she would have been jealous, i would have offer her to come with me, etc...

 

You can express your concerns, and you are allowed to be jealous if something does happen. If she just brushes you away with "You're too controlling", or "You should trust me", it's a red flag. She must put your concerns immediately in the middle of the equation, to my opinion.

[BetheButterfly]

Maybe "controlling" is too strong of a word here.

 

Yep.

 

If my husband tried to control me, I would not be a happy wife. As my hubby says, "Happy wife, happy life"

 

How about express my disapproval and concerns but let her make the final decision?

 

Definitely! If my husband were planning a trip to Las Vegas, you can safely bet ha ha that I would be expressing my disapproval and concerns a mile a minute.

 

But yeah, it has to be her decision whether she will go or not. Hopefully she cares enough about you to decide to not go.

 

We do take vacations together frequently

 

That's awesome!

 

but I think she sees me as the wet blanket at times - I want to be in bed by mid night.

 

Could you try staying up a whole night, just for her, sometime? Not as a normal everday thing, but as an exciting new thing just for her?

 

For example, my hubby wants to get a motorcycle someday when we can afford it. At first I was dead against it because one of my male friends was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident. Now, however I support his dream and will ride with him if he gets a motorcycle someday.

 

 

She likes to have girl time too which she gets frequently.

 

Does she want to go just cause her girl friends are going?

[truth_seeker]

If it were me - yes. Unless you've been married a long time and know she's no the type to stray, then I wouldn't be too concerned.

 

People who go on these girls only or guys only trips... they're meant for opportunities to play without getting caught.

[The D Train]

You have a point raising your concerns.

 

1. She has passed out in the past, not remembering anything.

2. You've already seen her touching guys, when you're there, what could have happened if you weren't there?

3. Vegas has an effect on people, women and men.

 

 

Does anyone see an issue with me saying something about my wife hugging guys we really don't know. Again she is very friendly life of the party type and she just says "she's a hugger".

 

 

A. I don't think it is right hugging guys that we just met on the cruise the day before. The guys wife was there for the record and

 

 

B. I think it sends the wrong message especially when in a bar type atmosphere that you may be open to hook up. I know she doesn't think that and she would never knowingly cheat.

[GorillaTheater]

In my opinion, you can't stop her from going. She's free to do what she wants. All you can do is say something like "I'm not okay with this trip to Vegas and here's why." I wouldn't argue about it with her; you've simply stated your feelings on the matter, you're entitled to your feelings, and have done the right things in communicating those feelings. There's really nothing to argue about.

 

 

What she does with that information is up to her. If she goes anyways, you have to figure out what to do with that. I'd say that a caring spouse would take your concerns very much in mind while making their decision as to whether to go or not.

 

 

For me, a lot may depend on what her friends are like. Are they fundamentally decent people or not? If she gets trashed, are they going to look out for her or not? Are they married and what kind of marriages do they have?

 

 

The "Sin City" aspect of Vegas may be overblown, but not by much. I'm not sure how excited my wife would be over me going to Vegas for a guys' weekend, especially if she had concerns about the guys I was going with. I'd be inclined to respect her concerns on the matter.

[The D Train]

 

Could you try staying up a whole night, just for her, sometime? Not as a normal everday thing, but as an exciting new thing just for her?

 

 

Does she want to go just cause her girl friends are going?

 

 

 

I do stay up and have fun on several occasions. She is just a life of the party type who doesn't want the night to end. For example on new year's eve we had neighborhood friends over. About 1:30 AM I am tired (I worked that day and have a demanding job) I wash subtly pushing people out the door. She said to cool it and let the party keep going. I just went up to bed close to 2. She stayed up god knows how long.

 

 

She wants to go b/c she jumps on any chance to do social activities. Again she is the life of the party type and I am certainly not.

[The D Train]

In my opinion, you can't stop her from going. She's free to do what she wants. All you can do is say something like "I'm not okay with this trip to Vegas and here's why." I wouldn't argue about it with her; you've simply stated your feelings on the matter, you're entitled to your feelings, and have done the right things in communicating those feelings. There's really nothing to argue about.

 

 

For me, a lot may depend on what her friends are like. Are they fundamentally decent people or not? If she gets trashed, are they going to look out for her or not? Are they married and what kind of marriages do they have?

 

Good point - Her friends are good ladies save a couple that are divorced who out chasing $*&%. So if those two ladies are going, my stance gets much stronger.

 

 

Overall, she would never knowing cheat but I don't want her even dancing with strange guys. Also, if she were to drink too much who knows what could happen? She could easily be separated from her friends and then be taken advantage of. I almost see it as looking after he best interest. I don't want her to have the pain of waking up in some random guys hotel room not knowing how she got there or what happened.

[GorillaTheater]

After posting my reply above, I happened to notice that on another thread you were talking pretty wistfully about an ex, and wanting to reach out to her.

 

 

One question you need to ask yourself is to what extent you may be projecting your issues onto your wife. You know, "I'm not sure I can be entirely faithful, so maybe she can't either". And it's a legitimate issue, not just me jerking you around.

[Mr. Lucky]

The "Sin City" aspect of Vegas may be overblown, but not by much. I'm not sure how excited my wife would be over me going to Vegas for a guys' weekend, especially if she had concerns about the guys I was going with. I'd be inclined to respect her concerns on the matter.

 

Having lived in Vegas at various points in my life, I think the locale isn't really germane to the central issue. LA/NY/Miami all have active club scenes and the OP would have the same issues to deal with were his wife going there. In fact, if she will be looking for trouble, she could find it in a bowling alley in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan .

 

If my wife had boundary issues, I wouldn't want her clubbing, drinking and dancing with guys anywhere, Las Vegas included...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

I know she doesn't think that and she would never knowingly cheat.

If I had a dollar for every time i heard that sentence being said and proved wrong, I'd be a rich man.

 

I support your view. Not everything she does or might do, automatically should be judged by "Will she cheat or not?" You have the right to not wanting her to just dance with other men, while you're not there.

 

Will she agree if you ask her? Or she'll say "I'll dance with whom i like, it's none of your business"? A jealous husband is totally Ok, as long as it's not exaggerated. I think that traveling to vegas with her girlfriends (especially when you know about what alcohol can do to her) would be a red line for many, even most husbands.

[jen1447]

This is really a question of who is she, who are you, and what's your marriage like? To put things bluntly -

 

Her - if she's a closet freak and a partier there's a good chance she'll hook up w/somebody while away on a girls' weekend.

 

You - no amount of controlling will actually control her, absent adding abuser to your credentials. In fact it might inspire her to act out.

 

Marriage - if it's solid, ok. Honestly it doesn't sound too solid tho ....some sexual incompatibility, different ideas of fun, some apparent amount if distrust, etc.

 

All this together means you should worry, IMO. But you don't fix that by trying to push her into corners. Should be some more fundamental steps taken to get you both on the same page, then all the rest will follow.

[BetheButterfly]

I do stay up and have fun on several occasions. She is just a life of the party type who doesn't want the night to end. For example on new year's eve we had neighborhood friends over. About 1:30 AM I am tired (I worked that day and have a demanding job) I wash subtly pushing people out the door. She said to cool it and let the party keep going. I just went up to bed close to 2. She stayed up god knows how long.

 

 

She wants to go b/c she jumps on any chance to do social activities. Again she is the life of the party type and I am certainly not.

 

Oh It is hard when two people are different in social aspects. It's much easier when a couple are more compatible. My husband isn't a social person at all, but I am some. So, once in a while I invite people over and my hubby endures it. However, I make sure not to do that all the time because he wouldn't appreciate it.

 

Could y'all arrive at a compromise?

 

Meet in the middle, as this awesome country song says?

 

As for worries about infidelity, maybe you could show her this video "Honey, I"m Good" and ask her what she thinks about it?

 

 

For social people, it can be hard to "stay true" but it definitely can be done!

 

If you are worried she will cheat, you can kindly address your concerns and I personally believe that if she truly loves and cares for you, she will take steps to ensure she doesn't cheat.

[BettyDraper]

While I believe that husbands and wives should not control each other, there should also be respect for each other's feelings and fears. I don't blame you for being worried given your wife's past behavior. Your wife has shown that when she is drunk, she is capable of becoming far less trustworthy than normal. Someone like that shouldn't be going to Vegas with friends. What if your wife gets drunk and sleeps with another man? That is not a far reach since she has already touched other men inappropriately while intoxicated.

 

My husband and I do not do certain things without the approval of each other. My husband has had binge drinking issues in the past and he has blacked out. He avoids excessive alcohol consumption as well as bars. There's no way my husband would go to Vegas with friends due to his issues, especially if he knew that I was very uncomfortable with the idea.

 

Sit down with your wife and have a serious discussion. Maybe you can speak to one of her friends and have that friend look out for your wife.

[salparadise]

Given the predilections, I think it's asking for trouble.

 

If she's willing to honor your feelings and forego the trip then make sure you show a lot of appreciation. If not, I hope she has the kind of girlfriends who will keep her away from trouble.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't trust, but Vegas + too much alcohol + overtly gregarious + certain kinds of friends = a combo similar to ammonium nitrate and kerosene... not an automatic disaster, but the potential should be recognized.

[The D Train]

That is not a far reach since she has already touched other men inappropriately while intoxicated.

 

My husband has had binge drinking issues in the past and he has blacked out. He avoids excessive alcohol consumption as well as bars. There's no way my husband would go to Vegas with friends due to his issues, especially if he knew that I was very uncomfortable with the idea.

 

Normally I don't think her hugging is inappropriate (usually friends, family) but these were two guys we had just met on the cruise ship. Again their wives were there and my wife's intent is just to be friendly. If she's hugging random guys in Vegas who knows what they will think and if they will aggressively pursue her.

 

 

Thanks for sharing about your husband's binge drinking. Some people don't understand how that changes a person. My wife is normally an ultra conservative and religious person and would NEVER knowingly commit adultery. But her drinking changes the equation and sometimes she drinks to the point of her not knowing what she is doing and eventually passing out. She could put herself in a bad situation.

[TX-SC]

This is a difficult situation, but when all is said and done, you'll simply have to trust your wife and trust her friends to keep her straight and safe. First let's talk about the friends...

 

So, how well do you know these friends? Are they prone to rowdy trouble!? Are they the "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!" types? Would they steer her straight if she started straying? If one of my friends started to cheat on his wife, I'd be all up in his face about it. Friends don't let friends cheat. Cheating can surely ruin a marriage. What kind of friend lets their friend do that? And as far as some bro-code or sis-code is concerned, they can shove that crap. I WILL protect my friends, even from themselves. So, how well do you know these women? Any cheaters among them?

 

As for your wife, do you trust her? The weight loss and subsequent feelings of beauty can screw with a person. Does she need extra validation? What is her reason for NEEDING a girls trip to Vegas? In 20 years of marriage, I have only twice had a vacation without my wife. Both were because of my wife's work schedule and both were trips home to my family. Both included me taking the kids. She is an introvert and enjoys an occasional day or two with the kids and I gone.

 

I just can't wrap my mind around why anyone would need a vacation away from their spouse. I maarried my best friend. I WANT her there with me. And, on very rare occassions when I drink enough to feel it, I want go back to our room and do fun, crazy, naked things with her. I don't want to be away from her. It's not codependency, it's having a best friend who is your spouse and lover. So, I've never understood even the whole girls/guys night out thing at all, much less a vacation.

 

There are many stories on the Infidelity boards that started out with girls or guys night out. Better just make sure she understands your concerns then do your best to trust her.

[privategal]

If you have to keep your wife close and at home to make sure she doesn't stray or no one hits on her then its not much of a marriage because if she will do it, she will do it, and so if she doesn't do shady things just because she is being watched then I don't know how good that is. I think you need more of a social life yourself.

[The D Train]

This is a difficult situation, but when all is said and done, you'll simply have to trust your wife and trust her friends to keep her straight and safe. First let's talk about the friends...

 

So, how well do you know these friends? Are they prone to rowdy trouble!? Are they the "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!" types? So, how well do you know these women? Any cheaters among them?

 

 

About 5-8 of them are very conservative but fun ladies as in like to have fun as a group, go to concerts, drink responsibly most of the time and never any flirting whatsoever with others in our social activities. They think strip bars, swinging lifestyle is disgusting. My wife is in that group aside from losing control with alcohol sometimes. She has two other friends that are divorced and date different guys every month.

[The D Train]

If you have to keep your wife close and at home to make sure she doesn't stray or no one hits on her then its not much of a marriage because if she will do it, she will do it, and so if she doesn't do shady things just because she is being watched then I don't know how good that is. I think you need more of a social life yourself.

 

She actually goes out with her friends a lot, she is not handcuffed to the kitchen counter. Together we have social activities just about every weekend and sometimes multiple things each week so my social life is busy.

[carhill]

Sure, BTDT, exW had friends in Vegas whom I knew and she would visit and do ladies stuff. One of her friends was publicity for Thunder DownUnder so they'd see the shows for free.

 

However, in your case, with what is shared, if she gets back and is unexpectedly randy, I'd keep that in the back of my mind if a stork shows up later, presuming you're not shooting blanks. As far as stopping her or dissuading her, nah, she's got big girl panties and can make her own decisions. If she's going to be with other people sexually, she doesn't need Vegas. Vegas doesn't make her panties fall off. She does. At most, if the trip makes you uncomfortable, OK.... 'I feel uncomfortable about this'. Let it go at that.

[privategal]

She actually goes out with her friends a lot, she is not handcuffed to the kitchen counter. Together we have social activities just about every weekend and sometimes multiple things each week so my social life is busy.

 

Sorry, That's not how YOU described your social life above, just yours, not yours and hers. Interesting how you tell her what time she needs to come home, you don't like her going to casino while guys buy her drinks while she plays slots, and you mentioned how she lost weight.

So shes been faithful and honest, but just is a nice person that other men notice? Well that isn't her fault, and it sounds like you have some insecurity issues because you cant cage love to make it not stray.

Your VERY social wife as you describe her wants her life to be an adventure and you should let her without curfews or trying to stop a girls trip. give her the respect of your trust.

Edited January 14, 2016 by privategal

[d0nnivain]

D-Train

 

In part I understand you to say that you have some safety concerns for your wife in a strange city because she is a friendly / tactile person who had a tendency to drink too much. Under the influence of alcohol, you are concerned that some unscrupulous person will take advantage of your wife & harm could befall her.

 

That is a legitimate concern and you are sweet for worrying about her.

 

However . . . your concerns go on from there & it comes across as you don't always respect your wife's choices & you don't like her behavior when she's been drinking.

 

First even flirty "huggy" women & I can be one, dial it back when they are on their own as opposed to with their husbands. I know I do. Hopefully she's more like that. She hugged the people on the cruise because cruises do tend to foster an artificial sense of "we're all in this together."

 

Perhaps ask her to go easy on the cocktails & to text you periodically with a photo so you knows she's safe.

 

Whatever you do, unless you have more reasons then you stated here, don't accuse her of wanting to cheat or even of setting up a situation where she can claim she didn't know what she was doing.

 

Emphasize your love for her & your trust. Focus on her safety, not your insecurities and you are more likely to achieve a compromise.