Mid-Life Crisis Normal

[The D Train]

Are my feelings normal among my fellow man?

 

 

I am 44, been married 15+ years. I was never a player or ladies man but would hook up with/date a average to decent looking girl every so often. My social anxiety hurt my chances a lot.

 

 

Anyway, I had steadily put on weight in my late 20,s, 30s, and 40s but my wife never was concerned with it and it didn't hinder our sex life except for my stamina. I was always faithful but one work happy hour when I was 38ish a 20-something co-worked seemed to be flirting with me as we went bar hopping. I think I could have hooked up with her but fortunately I still had good judgement and walked away and went home. It made me feel good that I still had it.

 

 

My weight had really affect my self esteem and confidence, especially in social situations. The last couple years I have lost most of the excess weight and am in good shape now. I am losing my hair tho.

 

 

Now that I am in better shape, I am very curious if another woman finds me attractive to the point of coming on to me. I want to see if I still got it. Is this normal mid life crisis stuff? I think I still have self esteem issues as I don't see myself as being attractive so maybe that is it.

[RightThere]

Slippery slope my friend.

 

If you need another woman's affirmation to make you feel better, I can tell you just getting hit on probably won't be enough. You'll want more and more.

 

So is a mid-life crisis normal? Absolutely.

 

Is hitting on a younger girl while you are married normal? Only if your wife is OK with it.

[The D Train]

Not sure, part of me thinks it is a self esteem issue that ladies find me attractive. I see myself as ugly and getting older doesn't help.

 

 

Out of curiosity I went in Ashley Madison and I registered in a different state for safety reasons. I exchanged messages and like 3-4 times I had sent the ladies a picture of me and then got no reply at all. That certainly didn't help the self esteem.

[carhill]

Heh, mortality hasn't even started creeping in.

 

Here's my take on the other side:

 

If your M works, focus on it. If not, lose it and enjoy being single. Don't try to mix things. Yeah, you'll probably have women more easily interested in you when M because, well, you're 'safe' and 'approved'. Like was mentioned, slippery slope.

 

Maybe another idea is to hook up with some other guys and do guy stuff to crunch the crisis. Grow a pony tail and get a bike. Collect some guns. Explore your burgeoning middle age while still at the healthy end of it, still respecting your M if you chose to remain in it.

 

Straddling the line can get you a wallop in the you know whats. Watch out for that.

[TX-SC]

To what end do you need this verification? All that matters is what your wife thinks. Seek her approval only. Feel good about yourself when a woman flirts, but don't be flirty back.

[The D Train]

To what end do you need this verification? All that matters is what your wife thinks. Seek her approval only. Feel good about yourself when a woman flirts, but don't be flirty back.

 

I am not sure why I need this verification. I guess I blame it on my poor self esteem. My wife tells me I look great and she told me I looked great when I was 60 lbs heavier and had a double chin.

[carhill]

That's part of the mid-life thing. It'll pass.

[GorillaTheater]

Out of curiosity I went in Ashley Madison and I registered in a different state for safety reasons. I exchanged messages and like 3-4 times I had sent the ladies a picture of me and then got no reply at all. That certainly didn't help the self esteem.

 

 

That's not surprising; after the leak it became apparent that there were only a few thousand actual women registered there as compared to a few million men.

 

 

It's kind of like I was saying on the other thread about closure: true validation can only come from within. Just ask me. I'm a sexy stud of 53.

[GunslingerRoland]

I find there is a bit of a double standard here. If a 40 something married woman wants to know if she's still go it she can go get a sexy dress throw it on, get male attention, and everyone will be "you go girl" for proving that an older woman is still sexy. When a man that age wants that same validation, everyone jumps down his throat that he's ruining his marriage.

 

 

He's not talking about cheating, just wanting to know that he's still attractive. It's harder for a man to get that validation, but to make his desire for that sound wrong, when women seek it all the time, is unfair.

[GorillaTheater]

I find there is a bit of a double standard here. If a 40 something married woman wants to know if she's still go it she can go get a sexy dress throw it on, get male attention, and everyone will be "you go girl" for proving that an older woman is still sexy. When a man that age wants that same validation, everyone jumps down his throat that he's ruining his marriage.

 

 

He's not talking about cheating, just wanting to know that he's still attractive. It's harder for a man to get that validation, but to make his desire for that sound wrong, when women seek it all the time, is unfair.

 

 

Oh, don't get me wrong, it brightens my day when I get a smile, a look, or other bits of light flirting.

 

 

But it's not healthy, IMO, when too much stock is placed in stuff like that. You can't put your self-esteem in the hands of other people.

[carhill]

He's not talking about cheating, just wanting to know that he's still attractive. It's harder for a man to get that validation, but to make his desire for that sound wrong, when women seek it all the time, is unfair.

In general, perhaps. I've given the same speech to MW's, heh as recently as Christmas. For me, anyway, having experienced a lot of female 'crisis' and fallout on myself, I see no difference gender-wise. If the person wants to stay and play around, hey they're adults. Playing around has consequences. Own them and move forward. The hormonal stuff will pass. Most folks get through it with their relationships intact. Some not.

 

The main difference in the attention department is, in general, women solicit it and men give it. The man's act is more overt, more 'out there'. However, I've been groped by enough MW's to know it's not universal. That said, women, in general, or more 'believed' and 'convincing' since networking and communication is their specialty. The man is left with his hands in the air and lips parted and the woman already has the ad copy formatted and ready for publication. Not an indictment, rather life experience. Impressive. Part of the reason I don't mess with it anymore. Not worth the grief.

 

IMO, if there's still love in the M, focus on it and work through the MLC stuff as a team. If not, get out.

[The D Train]

That's not surprising; after the leak it became apparent that there were only a few thousand actual women registered there as compared to a few million men.

 

 

 

 

Yeah but I was messaging actual women and not the multitude of shills and hookers on that site. We were sending actual messages and getting to know each other but when I sent my pic, they stopped.

[The D Train]

I find there is a bit of a double standard here. If a 40 something married woman wants to know if she's still go it she can go get a sexy dress throw it on, get male attention, and everyone will be "you go girl" for proving that an older woman is still sexy. When a man that age wants that same validation, everyone jumps down his throat that he's ruining his marriage.

 

 

He's not talking about cheating, just wanting to know that he's still attractive. It's harder for a man to get that validation, but to make his desire for that sound wrong, when women seek it all the time, is unfair.

 

 

Exactly! I am not out there to cheat or have an affair. I just want to know I am attractive to ladies my age. An average looking 40-something woman can get dolled up and go out and have guys and even 20-something boys hit on her. I try to hit on a 20-something and I get laughed at.

[The D Train]

I am new here. Where can I find a listing of what all the acronyms mean?

[carhill]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand

[xxoo]

Can't you tell when you get a look and that's enough?

 

My H and I are about your age. As a woman, attention from other men feels "cheaper" than attention from my own husband, because in my reasoning it is much, much easier to get the quick attention from a stranger than to hold the attention of the man I live with for many years. I think he may feel similarly. I want him a lot, I show it in the bedroom and out, and he seems to be good with that.

 

But all that aside, I know we both enjoy an unsolicited look or comment from a stranger from time to time. We don't need to go out looking for it, but it is still a nice ego boost when it happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah but I was messaging actual women and not the multitude of shills and hookers on that site. We were sending actual messages and getting to know each other but when I sent my pic, they stopped.

 

You think they were actual women ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

How will your wife feel if she knows that you're chatting-up women on Ashley M of all bloody places??? Oh & you're out getting drunk & hitting on girls!!

 

You are going through something completely 'normal' buy a stupid car or something. Stop disrespecting your wife! Doesn't the woman who has loved you UNCONDITIONALLY for all of these years deserve some respect?

 

I can tell you from experience, "Honey, I was just chatting-up women to know that they would shag me. I wouldn't actually go through with it if they said yes!" Really isn't going to make her feel better.

 

I'm sorry you've got low self esteem....Does that justify shattering your wife's illusion that you're with her because you truly love her & not just because you're so gross you're lucky she's all you could get! Destroying her self esteem & safety, security & love story isn't going to be worth it!

 

I loved my husband completely. I'm working on trying to get that back since he broke my heart. I do understand that not many women throw themselves at him. It must of been very rewarding to know that there's a woman out there who would play flirty on the computer with him.

 

The thing is, I thought of him as family, as the love & passion of my life. Now I see him as a middle aged man. Just a man....& if he's 'just a man' could another man be better for me? I get looked at & could 'pull' at the local store if I wanted to. Hmmmmm. Is it worth it?

[BettyDraper]

If you behave like this, you have no room to complain about your wife going to Vegas with friends!

 

Let me make sure that I understand...you do not trust your wife due to how she behaves when she's drunk. You wanted feedback on how to stop your wife from going to Vegas, yet you have the temerity to go on a website designed for cheating spouses and post a picture? Is this a joke?

 

I guess your weight gain and your wife's weight loss has you feeling insecure, so you feel like she should sit at home while you look for attention from other women? I regret backing you up in your other thread.

I didn't realize that I was being compassionate to someone who is given to appallingly selfish and two faced behavior.

 

If you are seeking validation from random women on Ashley Madison, maybe your wife should go to Vegas and find another man. Fair is fair right? Oh but you probably believe that your wife should do what you say and not what you do. Ugh! So disappointing.

[Horton]

Are my feelings normal among my fellow man?

 

 

I am 44, been married 15+ years. I was never a player or ladies man but would hook up with/date a average to decent looking girl every so often. My social anxiety hurt my chances a lot.

 

 

Anyway, I had steadily put on weight in my late 20,s, 30s, and 40s but my wife never was concerned with it and it didn't hinder our sex life except for my stamina. I was always faithful but one work happy hour when I was 38ish a 20-something co-worked seemed to be flirting with me as we went bar hopping. I think I could have hooked up with her but fortunately I still had good judgement and walked away and went home. It made me feel good that I still had it.

 

 

My weight had really affect my self esteem and confidence, especially in social situations. The last couple years I have lost most of the excess weight and am in good shape now. I am losing my hair tho.

 

 

Now that I am in better shape, I am very curious if another woman finds me attractive to the point of coming on to me. I want to see if I still got it. Is this normal mid life crisis stuff? I think I still have self esteem issues as I don't see myself as being attractive so maybe that is it.

 

You're probably not gonna like what I have to say, so read at your own discretion.

 

You asked is this normal, the answer is yes, it's sadly pretty normal for a middle aged woman who's recently lost a lot of weight and didn't get hit on a whole lot in her youth to have what amounts to a midlife crisis and suddenly covet the compliments, flirting and attention of anybody who happens to be standing in her general vicinity.

 

It's both foolish and immoral for a married woman to behave this way, but for a married man to do so, it has the added bonus of being effeminate behavior on top of everything else that's wrong with it. You're a married man in his forties acting like a high school cheerleader hoping the starting quarterback someday notices you. This is not something to be proud of no matter how you slice it.

 

The fact that you have a (presumably)good wife who has stuck by your side throughout the years, in spite of your issues with weight and has even kept the sex life steady(which plenty of men in your shoes can't even say that much) ought to be enough for you to realize that this is both morally wrong and dangerous to the continuation of your marriage. You're really gonna risk losing your wife and family just to see if you "still got it"? That's a fruitless endeavor if I ever saw one.

 

In short, count your blessings.

[RySant]

I was scared about the responses in here. Although I completely understand the situation and I pity D Train, the actions you did seem a bit disrespectful to your wife who gave you all the love and compliments regardless of age and weight. For me, as a husband and a married man, validation coming from your wife SHOULD be enough since she is your supposed partner for life. Her validations should be the only thing you need.

 

The question is: Why do you need the validation of any person other than your wife? That's what troubling is. This might be midlife crisis, but, I dunno. Wanting the attention of other women is definitely a seedling for wanting an affair.

 

You might not consciously want it, but once you get that "approval" from, let's say, a woman you're interested with and she hits on you, can you honestly say that you're not going to have a go at it?

[Cymbeline]

As someone whose husband went through with it, I can assure you that if your self esteem is low now, a fling will give you a temporary high and then afterwards, will go lower than you ever thought possible. Please save yourself the misery.

 

Carhill's advice is that which psychologists give: invest a bit more in male friends and do some exciting things with them and think of activities you can do with your wife that will raise your adrenalin a bit.

 

If she is reluctant or thinks you are wasting family money, please explain to her how you are feeling and that you arebtrying to invigorate yourself and your relationship.

 

Dr Frank Pittman said that because if its consequences on your psyche, infidelity is something you do when you are depressed but not quite ready for suicide. My experience tells me he is right.

[katielee]

 

Dr Frank Pittman said that because if its consequences on your psyche, infidelity is something you do when you are depressed but not quite ready for suicide. My experience tells me he is right.

 

I hadn't heard this before... makes sense, speaking as a fWW.

 

OP - your need for validation could get you in heaps of trouble here. Figure out WHY you need it. Really dig. Because this issue is inside your head.

[Lois_Griffin]

Out of curiosity I went in Ashley Madison and I registered in a different state for safety reasons. I exchanged messages and like 3-4 times I had sent the ladies a picture of me and then got no reply at all. That certainly didn't help the self esteem.

Sorry, but that's your answer. If 4 different women STOPPED talking to you after they saw your picture, there's a reason for it and it ain't because their internet went down.

 

I guess you should be counting your lucky stars that your wife still finds you attractive and did even back when you were overweight. What, that's not good enough for you

Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Dr Frank Pittman said that because if its consequences on your psyche, infidelity is something you do when you are depressed but not quite ready for suicide. My experience tells me he is right.

 

That IS fascinating and I believe it.