EverySunset Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Oddly enough, my husband felt the same way with a life journey so much like yours with the weight loss, socially anxious, etc When I caught him on websites and cheating, I asked him why and he said what you did. His middle age + weight journey made him look for external validation. I am young, very fit, and adoring. I asked him why my unwavering fidelity and outward regard for him professionally, personally, and to all family and friends wasn't a factor. He said "you're my wife, your opinion doesn't count. You have to do that" I sat down reeling. I most certainly do not. I filed for divorce and now he has every opportunity to seek all the validation he wants. He didn't (and still hasn't) gotten it. He has asked me to come back many times now... There's no way I'll ever validate a man that doesn't respect or deserve it. I continue to decline that offer. Be careful what you wish for. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The D Train Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Oddly enough, my husband felt the same way with a life journey so much like yours with the weight loss, socially anxious, etc When I caught him on websites and cheating, I asked him why and he said what you did. His middle age + weight journey made him look for external validation. I am young, very fit, and adoring. I asked him why my unwavering fidelity and outward regard for him professionally, personally, and to all family and friends wasn't a factor. He said "you're my wife, your opinion doesn't count. You have to do that" I am actually not "hell bent on getting laid" as merrmeade suggested. I could not emotionally handle it and the lies that come with it. Plus my wife would notice a change in my behavior with her FBI-ish investigation skills. I did the Ashley Madison thing after reading a article where the married reporter tried it out to see if the site was legit. I registered in a different state far away so there was no way of having an actual affair and no intention of a "cyber affair". I can see your husband's pov in some sense. My wife would tell me I look great if I was 500 lbs or 185 lbs (god bless her). I just wanted an "independent" assessment of my looks. Women who lose weight & try look good get more overt attention compared to men IMO. For whatever reason, call it mental issues, I am looking for some validation, more confidence in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 What you need is therapy, not random street women thinking you are a stud. The most amazing woman in the world (your wife) thinks you are great, why is that not enough? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The D Train Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 What you need is therapy, not random street women thinking you are a stud. The most amazing woman in the world (your wife) thinks you are great, why is that not enough? So when a woman who has lost weight gets compliments, looks, casual (sincere) flirting, etc it doesn't make her feel better about herself even if she is happily married? Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 I can see your husband's pov in some sense. My wife would tell me I look great if I was 500 lbs or 185 lbs (god bless her). I just wanted an "independent" assessment of my looks. I understood that. From my ExH and from your posts. Independent assessments come at a cost. Going on a website for cheaters is a betrayal of trust, as well as showing intent to cheat, no matter what your "down deep" ideas on what you might actually do are. My ex learned a hard lesson. I'm giving you a heads up - you're heading for the same one. And then you lose a woman who thinks the world of you, in exchange for the opinion of strangers? Try cuddling a strangers opinion. Wonder how you can tell a strangers opinion about your sick parent (and expect it to care?) You're getting intelligent, sound advice from a wide range of people, men and women, saying the same thing about your behavior. We are strangers. We are giving you OUR opinions. Take ours, and save your marriage. Or don't. Looks fade. If you're lucky, your wife will stay by your side another 15 years when yours have. Respect the only woman who's opinion matters. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 So when a woman who has lost weight gets compliments, looks, casual (sincere) flirting, etc it doesn't make her feel better about herself even if she is happily married? How can I speak for other women? Personally I get annoyed being ogled at all the time. The only person I care about thinking I'm Hot is my bf... But that's besides the point. These women might not be out LOOKING for validation, which is what you are doing. Answer the question, why is your wife's opinion not enough? That's the key to happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 So when a woman who has lost weight gets compliments, looks, casual (sincere) flirting, etc it doesn't make her feel better about herself even if she is happily married? I've lost a lot of weight. I can see how much better I look. Also my friends, their husbands, clothes shop assistants and my trainer tell me. I'm not sure Ashley Madison or similar could add to that really? Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 So when a woman who has lost weight gets compliments, looks, casual (sincere) flirting, etc it doesn't make her feel better about herself even if she is happily married? I get compliments from men from time to time, and I will admit they boost self esteem. The difference is that I don't go looking for them, I don't put myself into situations where it can happen, and I don't base my self worth on them. If they happen, they are in passing,. if they press the issue, I tell them I'm married and they should move on. Something isn't adding up in what you are saying, but I don't think it's intentional on your part. you want to feel confident and it sounds as if you feel that compliments from women will make this happen. I have something to tell you that maybe you never learned. Having a woman compliment you physically is not really any reflection of how she views you as a man or how desirable you might be to her. There are plenty of guys out there who are absolute @ssholes, and few women wil give them the time of day.To an awful lot of women, a married man fishing for compliments is a huge turn off. If you want positive interaction with women that doesn't involve cheating, then be the person you are with your wife. She knows "the real you" sans these recent attempts at cheating) and thinks the world of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 My wife would tell me I look great if I was 500 lbs or 185 lbs (god bless her). I just wanted an "independent" assessment of my looks. Women who lose weight & try look good get more overt attention compared to men IMO. For whatever reason, call it mental issues, I am looking for some validation, more confidence in myself. Think of some of the actresses you see - many of the most confident and sexy are neither classically good-looking nor possess size 4 figures. It's the same with men, waist size isn't everything. The approval you're looking for comes easiest when you're not actively seeking it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 I am not sure why I need this verification. I guess I blame it on my poor self esteem. My wife tells me I look great and she told me I looked great when I was 60 lbs heavier and had a double chin. That is all that matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 For whatever reason, call it mental issues, I am looking for some validation, more confidence in myself. I really hope you don't go farther than that. A LOT of women, mothers etc. have already been shattered by lies and betrayal. Please don't add your wife to the growing list. Based on your description of her, she does not deserve the pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Naomiw Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Please don't do anything. I think my husband is going through something similar and he is being flirty and chatting with women online. I think he is testing too but the pain on the spouse is not any less. I am so hurt by my husband's actions but he feels justified (innocent) because no sex happened. Just be happy with the great life that you have now. Link to post Share on other sites
fenix Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) The issue OP is that you measure your self worth by the reaction from external parties (i.e. other women, younger woman). This is a receipt for disaster. You should be self aware and understand your human value from an internal introspection. Believe me when I tell you that you will never get enough satisfaction when you look for external validation and you will go further and further in your explorations till you don't recognize yourself anymore. Stop allowing other's people perception of you to defining you! Edited February 9, 2016 by fenix 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 T. Believe me when I tell you that you will never get enough satisfaction when you look for external satisfaction and you will go further and further in your explorations till you don't recognize yourself anymore. Stop allowing other people perception of you defining you! Spot on! This is something that took me years to learn but it was worth the wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You can't live feeling like this for the rest of your life. What is your solution? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I can see your husband's pov in some sense. My wife would tell me I look great if I was 500 lbs or 185 lbs (god bless her). I just wanted an "independent" assessment of my looks. Women who lose weight & try look good get more overt attention compared to men IMO. For whatever reason, call it mental issues, I am looking for some validation, more confidence in myself. Maybe you're wife should start telling you you're fat and ugly. You, know, mix it up some. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 D Train, some guys on LoveShack should make a "Mid Life Crisis" group. I am only half-kidding. All I can say is that I think many (many) men have similar experiences. It's not wrong to have the feelings and urges, but you do need to be careful about your actions. Hey we are ALL conflicted deep down inside. Everyone is. Men. Women. Younger. Older. Middle-aged. Single. Married. Everyone. We just need to think about how to focus our energies. Always feel free to PM me for a talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I find there is a bit of a double standard here. If a 40 something married woman wants to know if she's still go it she can go get a sexy dress throw it on, get male attention, and everyone will be "you go girl" for proving that an older woman is still sexy. When a man that age wants that same validation, everyone jumps down his throat that he's ruining his marriage. I agree with you. I've seen these women who have lost weight and want valadation from other men (regardless of what their husbands think) and this too is wrong. It is not about being masculine or feminine it is about being needy for attention. Both sexes need therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 OP, it seems you are only looking to younger women to validate you. What, women your age are not good enough? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 There are some great benefits to being married and there are some great benefits to being single. You can't have both of those benefits at the same time. That's just how it is (for everyone!). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 D Train, Some people cheat because they are open to it and then an opportunity come along, and they go ahead. I think, and know myself, that everyone goes trough this during their life. Some make an opportunity, and other have one "given" to them. You are looking for and trying to make an opportunity. You are in the cheating mind set. I have read most, if not all of your threads, and in my opinion, you are just shy of cheating, if you can. Nothing in life, gives you leave to do this. "mid life crisis" is just an excuse, for wanting sex with another woman, other then you wife. Your affair will be like every other, painful, in the end to yourself and those you love. You will do it because you think you can get away with it and it make you feel good. Stop now. A real man does not need validation, you know if you feel and look good. Everything you do should be for your wife, to validate her. You are in the cheating mind set, do not make or go looking for an opportunity. If one comes along, realize what it is, and WALK away. Do not be one of those guys who comes back here and says, "if I had only just not taken the first step" I wish you luck........... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Are my feelings normal among my fellow man? I am 44, been married 15+ years. I was never a player or ladies man but would hook up with/date a average to decent looking girl every so often. My social anxiety hurt my chances a lot. Anyway, I had steadily put on weight in my late 20,s, 30s, and 40s but my wife never was concerned with it and it didn't hinder our sex life except for my stamina. I was always faithful but one work happy hour when I was 38ish a 20-something co-worked seemed to be flirting with me as we went bar hopping. I think I could have hooked up with her but fortunately I still had good judgement and walked away and went home. It made me feel good that I still had it. My weight had really affect my self esteem and confidence, especially in social situations. The last couple years I have lost most of the excess weight and am in good shape now. I am losing my hair tho. Now that I am in better shape, I am very curious if another woman finds me attractive to the point of coming on to me. I want to see if I still got it. Is this normal mid life crisis stuff? I think I still have self esteem issues as I don't see myself as being attractive so maybe that is it. I agree. You are on a slippery slope as another poster said. I was 53, when I had my first affair. I am into a lot sports activity and always stayed in good shape, but despite being tempted I stayed faithful to my wife during our long term marriage. Then one day a women that was 21 years younger showed a strong interest in me and I was flattered. Later she came on to me full force talking about her three prior affairs and how she never got caught etc, and then she asked me out right to have an affair, and well I fell to the bottom of that slippery slope. If you love your wife, don't have an affair, stop worrying about what other women think of you. Focus on your wife. My wife and I have reconciled for three years now. Our marriage however took a huge hit and things will never be the same. Not to mention the OW has started stalking my wife, and even after a letter from an attorney she has continued, stalking by proxy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I am not sure why I need this verification. I guess I blame it on my poor self esteem. My wife tells me I look great and she told me I looked great when I was 60 lbs heavier and had a double chin. It is normal to want, like and enjoy this type of validation. But flirting will get you in trouble. Flirt with your wife, instead. Date her again. But please focus on other things, besides flattery from young women, to weather the storm of your midlife crisis. As mentioned by others, find a bunch of guy friends and go rock climbing, buy a red Lambo or a Corvette. Make sure the guys you hang out with don't cheat because they will help keep you from thinking about that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Dude! Fire is HOT. Do not play with it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I believe my WH became full of himself when he got in shape and noticed attention as well. At first I caught him chatting it up in FB, then I felt he had an inappropriate relationship with a distant cousin whom all of a sudden gave him a lot of attention until ultimately his good friends gf invited him into her bed and that was all she wrote. Did he care about how I felt about him? I married him because I loved him, because I was attracted to him. Why would he need that attention anywhere else? Ask yourself before you do something you will regret and forever change your life for, is it even worth it? My WH getting his ego and his ***k stroked almost cost him our M. He realized he made a mistake and he lost focus. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look amazing and be a better person for your spouse. If you really want someone else perhaps you need to talk to your W about D. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I myself have been looking better and getting fit. But that is for my H to enjoy. Flattery is not enough to get me to spread them for anyone. Life and love is about so much more than that. Remember what is important. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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