Mid-Life Crisis Normal

[Lois_Griffin]

I find there is a bit of a double standard here. If a 40 something married woman wants to know if she's still go it she can go get a sexy dress throw it on, get male attention, and everyone will be "you go girl" for proving that an older woman is still sexy. When a man that age wants that same validation, everyone jumps down his throat that he's ruining his marriage.

Oh please.

 

There's a big difference between a woman turning a few heads out in public and someone joining a cheating website and engaging secretly with other women behind his wife's back.

[Popsicle]

Now that I am in better shape, I am very curious if another woman finds me attractive to the point of coming on to me. I want to see if I still got it.

 

What I dont understand is why is this still important to a married person? Why? Why, why why? I see this often enough and it truly perplexes me.

 

Why would someone even become depressed because people who are not even their spouse are not attracted to them? It's almost like these married people like to pretend that they are single (even if it's sometimes just in their minds) and like they are in the singles game.

[carhill]

It ties into MLC and hormonal changes. I noted some marked desires to return to what we'd normally call teenage behaviors. When teens begin peer integration, social acceptance and attractiveness is huge. They want to be accepted by their peers and found attractive and popular. That's part nurture, the socialization of a social creature, and part nature, the bathing of the brain with hormones and other brain chemicals. People go through different hormonal changes in life, some general but most unique to the individual and, generally, most people who are social have a basic desire for social acceptance and attractiveness. The MLC hits with some hormonal changes and also, for some of us, psychological changes due to perception of our mortality. That's my take on why odd things happen for no apparent reason.

[Popsicle]

It really seems like because a married person wants an mere ego boost, they end up hurting a lot of people.

[carhill]

Good question for the OP....OP, have you consistently throughout your married life sought out women to validate your attractiveness or is this something new?

[Realist3]

Of course it is normal. Everyone makes choices every single day; sometimes those choices you question.

[GunslingerRoland]

Oh please.

 

There's a big difference between a woman turning a few heads out in public and someone joining a cheating website and engaging secretly with other women behind his wife's back.

 

 

I was referring to trying to get female attention in general not joining Ashley Madison.

[xxoo]

It really seems like because a married person wants an mere ego boost, they end up hurting a lot of people.

 

That's exactly what it is.

 

It's not just married people, of course, who seek attention from the opposite sex (without relationship intention) for ego boost. Singles can do this, too.

 

But obviously, married people aren't supposed to be seeking attention from the opposite sex for ego boost. The thing is, being married doesn't automatically make people less needy, and married and singles alike may seek attention for ego boost.

 

Better to go to the source of the problem, as it isn't going to be fixed through attention.

[xxoo]

I was referring to trying to get female attention in general not joining Ashley Madison.

 

Serious question:

 

If a man works out, keeps an attractive shape, and dresses stylishly, doesn't get get looks and attention from women in public? I'd be shocked if he didn't! I live in an area with lots of fit, middle aged men who run the trails that I walk and run, and I notice

[sandylee1]

I have to say I'm suprised the lengths you went to test out if other women found you attractive. If my H told me he did that I'd be mortified and I probably wouldn't believe him. Registering on a cheaters website for validation.....wow.

 

Why don't you just go on a guy's night out and see what the reaction is.

 

As a married woman... I don't need other men to find me attractive. I can look in the mirror and know I look good.. as long as my H affirms this... He's the only man that matters.

 

There's no doubt that it's nice to receive compliments from the opposite sex.. it's nice to know you can still pull..... if a guy complements me... I say thanks....but I don't go out of my way to get complements.

 

With you wanting to know you still have it... I'm not sure you could resist being hit on...you'd be so happy and would slip right into an affair.

 

I don't think there's a double standard at all. If the OP wants to wear clothes to look younger there's no harm in that.. but you don't want to play with fire here. Don't put yourself in temptations way.

[merrmeade]

So I started this response yesterday and didn't finish. Came back today and was gratified to read that it's been addressed. Posting anyway:

Maybe it's called 'mid-life crisis' because you think you'll never have the chance to succeed in certain areas of your life again? That is, if you didn't succeed before, you fear it may be too late soon.

 

Maybe midlife is when unresolved childhood or adolescent issues resurface and demand resolution. Not to be condescending, but

OP

's 1st post reminded me of the Q&A I used to read in "Seventeen" (when I was 17) with all the same insecurities and inexperience of a teen.

 

So

maybe you don't have that much experience with women? Maybe you had these insecurities before you got married?

 

And MAYBE you need a safe place to deal with these issues. Maybe, if you do deal with these issues honestly and constructively, you can quit obsessing about your supposed deficits, trying to prove yourself in

old

, childish and superficial ways, and start appreciating who you are, what you've accomplished and what you value (including the people around you).

 

So

who

are

you anyway, D train? What's really important to you: what you look like? turning an attractive woman's head? What does not getting a response to your photo on Ashley Madison actually mean? You answer from your insecurities, but maybe it means your picture doesn't come across like a man on the make. Maybe you're too much of a novice in the playboy department. And thank god!

 

But seriously, D train, what brought you satisfaction, pride even deep fulfillment in your life as a real man (before you started trying to be a teenager again). Maybe some are the same things that you love about the important people in your life.

[merrmeade]

Similar thinking that evolved within the thread since yesterday:

What I dont understand is why is this still important to a married person? Why? Why, why why? I see this often enough and it truly perplexes me.

It ties into MLC and hormonal changes. I noted some marked desires to return to what we'd normally call teenage behaviors. When teens begin peer integration, social acceptance and attractiveness is huge. They want to be accepted by their peers and found attractive and popular. That's part nurture, the socialization of a social creature, and part nature, the bathing of the brain with hormones and other brain chemicals. People go through different hormonal changes in life, some general but most unique to the individual and, generally, most people who are social have a basic desire for social acceptance and attractiveness. The MLC hits with some hormonal changes and also, for some of us, psychological changes due to perception of our mortality....

I was scared about the responses in here. Although I completely understand the situation and I pity D Train, the actions you did seem a bit disrespectful to your wife who gave you all the love and compliments regardless of age and weight. For me, as a husband and a married man, validation coming from your wife SHOULD be enough since she is your supposed partner for life. Her validations should be the only thing you need.

 

The question is: Why do you need the validation of any person other than your wife? That's what troubling is. This might be midlife crisis, but, I dunno. Wanting the attention of other women is definitely a seedling for wanting an affair.

 

You might not consciously want it, but once you get that "approval" from, let's say, a woman you're interested with and she hits on you, can you honestly say that you're not going to have a go at it?

[merrmeade]

But I'd also like to point out the UNhelpful stereotyping that says middle-aged women do this and men do that. Or at least check with the women (since most of the stereotyping - as well as observations ABOUT stereotyping - comes from the men), e.g....

You asked is this normal, the answer is yes, it's sadly pretty normal for a middle aged woman who's recently lost a lot of weight and didn't get hit on a whole lot in her youth to have what amounts to a midlife crisis and suddenly covet the compliments, flirting and attention of anybody who happens to be standing in her general vicinity.

 

It's both foolish and immoral for a married woman to behave this way, but for a married man to do so, it has the added bonus of being effeminate behavior on top of everything else that's wrong with it. You're a married man in his forties acting like a high school cheerleader hoping the starting quarterback someday notices you. This is not something to be proud of no matter how you slice it.

So many reasons, but this ^^^ is not one, if it even makes sense.

The main difference in the attention department is, in general, women solicit it and men give it. The man's act is more overt, more 'out there'. However, I've been groped by enough MW's to know it's not universal. That said, women, in general, or more 'believed' and 'convincing' since networking and communication is their specialty. The man is left with his hands in the air and lips parted and the woman already has the ad copy formatted and ready for publication.

At least this one ^^^ was sort of qualified as personal experience.

 

But give me a break. I get enough of this horse crap at home, stories about being the innocent victim of shameless vixens. I think I read something like this in Genesis a long time ago. Everything was (and apparently still is) Eve's fault, I guess.

 

Actually the only victimization I see is this mindset itself—this arrogance that doesn't see its own self-appointed entitlement to present individual observations as somehow true universals, objective data, lacking in personal bias because... well, just because they are yours. Is it like color blindness? Maybe there's an XY blindness to individual subjectivity (i.e., simply what it is to be human)? Maybe even to shared humanity? An inability to see oneself in the perception?

 

[There are a few that somehow escaped ... mostly to occasionally.]

 

Note: Sure there are differences between the sexes in behavior and, sure, everyone makes his/her own observations. And I've definitely got a personal bias about the ones that tout theirs as absolutes. my two cents (and obviously just as bloated as what I'm criticizing - )

Edited January 16, 2016 by merrmeade

[OpenBook]

But give me a break. I get enough of this horse crap at home, stories about being the innocent victim of shameless vixens. I think I read something like this in Genesis a long time ago. Everything was (and apparently still is) Eve's fault, I guess.

 

Yes this is a very common, albeit "surface" interpretation of that story. Eve was tricked too, by the serpent.

 

To me it illustrates how the enemy works in our lives. He takes advantage of our potential vulnerabilities (which are not necessarily a bad thing, in and of themselves) and turns them against us. So subtle and insidious, we often don't even pick up on how we're being manipulated until it's too late.

 

In Eve's case, he played on her curiosity. In Adam's case, he used his desire to please Eve. The enemy's goal is to destroy us, the children of God, and he uses our own tendencies to do it.

 

And I think this totally applies to the OP's situation. Your curiosity and desire for validation are not bad things, in and of themselves. But if you listen to the enemy and follow his lead, he will do everything in his power to TOTALLY DESTROY YOUR LIFE using your own thoughts, dreams and desires as his tools. Don't let him! You're the one who's got the reins here. It's your call how you want to channel those desires and apply them in your life.

[Horton]

So many reasons, but this ^^^ is not one, if it even makes sense.

 

Sure it makes sense, I said it's fairly common for a woman who has lost a lot of weight and didn't get hit on in her youth a whole lot to suddenly seek and enjoy the romantic/sexual attention of other males. You say it's a stereotype, I suppose it is, but stereotypes are frequently true, that's generally how they become stereotypes in the first place, enough people notice the same thing occurring with a particular group of people over and over again and it just sorta grows from there.

 

That doesn't mean that every person in that group fits the stereotype(there are plenty of women who've been overweight their whole life who get skinny and don't seek out the sexual advances of OM) but it does mean that nine times out of ten it's gonna be a woman in that scenario and not a man. Most men are not overly obsessed with their own physical appearance so much so that they get giddy over somebody noticing how attractive they are, that is typically a feminine trait just as there are typically male traits, there's nothing wrong with pointing that out IMO.

[xxoo]

Sure it makes sense, I said it's fairly common for a woman who has lost a lot of weight and didn't get hit on in her youth a whole lot to suddenly seek and enjoy the romantic/sexual attention of other males. You say it's a stereotype, I suppose it is, but stereotypes are frequently true, that's generally how they become stereotypes in the first place, enough people notice the same thing occurring with a particular group of people over and over again and it just sorta grows from there.

 

That doesn't mean that every person in that group fits the stereotype(there are plenty of women who've been overweight their whole life who get skinny and don't seek out the sexual advances of OM) but it does mean that nine times out of ten it's gonna be a woman in that scenario and not a man. Most men are not overly obsessed with their own physical appearance so much so that they get giddy over somebody noticing how attractive they are, that is typically a feminine trait just as there are typically male traits, there's nothing wrong with pointing that out IMO.

 

I disagree. It may be less focused on looks, possibly, but men who suddenly find themselves attractive to women, after not being so successful in younger years, just as stereotypically want to indulge in it. The phrase "sowing wild oats" comes to mind.

[Horton]

Out of curiosity I went in Ashley Madison and I registered in a different state for safety reasons. I exchanged messages and like 3-4 times I had sent the ladies a picture of me and then got no reply at all. That certainly didn't help the self esteem.

 

Yeah but I was messaging actual women and not the multitude of shills and hookers on that site. We were sending actual messages and getting to know each other but when I sent my pic, they stopped.

I must have missed this part, I thought maybe I was a little too harsh with you before since you were only seeking out female attention in a flirting sense, but now I realize I probably wasn't harsh enough. You're actively joining adultery websites(where I believe you have to pay to sign up for) in pursuit of other married women for the purpose of getting to know them and yet you claim that you are not actually looking to have an affair? This is much worse than I initially believed, you have already betrayed your wife in a significant way even if you haven't had any physical contact with these women.

 

You've also sinned against the betrayed husbands and families of these married AM women that you've been having these "conversations" with. Your wife deserves to know what you've been up to behind her back, the right thing to do is to confess to her and seek her forgiveness, then perhaps enter some sort of counseling if necessary to figure out why you're willing to risk the sanctity of your marriage and family for an ego boost.

I disagree. It may be less focused on looks, possibly, but men who suddenly find themselves attractive to women, after not being so successful in younger years, just as stereotypically want to indulge in it. The phrase "sowing wild oats" comes to mind.

 

I think what happens a lot on here(and everywhere else) is that somebody(myself in this scenario) will say that when "blank" happens it will usually be somebody from "blank" group of people doing it and many people instead hear that all "blank" people do "blank", but that's isn't whats being said. Not all women who lose weight and suddenly find themselves getting hit on by guys they never would have imagined hitting on them before embrace that flattery, let alone have an actual affair, but when that scenario does happen it's usually gonna be a woman and not a man who finds themselves in that position.

 

Also, I believe sowing wild oats means to behave in a promiscuous manner in one's youth, but I agree that some men(OP being an example) do seek out attention from women after getting into shape in their later years, but I don't agree that this is the norm. Typically the type of married men who seek the sexual attention of women other than their own wives don't care how they themselves look very much at all. Just look at how most MM/APs get described by FWW's and BH's, it's not usually very flattering.

 

The existing stereotype(whether it's true or not) isn't that a MM gets into shape and starts seeking the attention of OW, it's that a MW gets into shape and seeks attention from OM. Almost nobody would warn a woman to keep a close eye on her husband if he suddenly started hitting the gym a whole lot and dropping those extra pounds, in fact most people(particularly women) would congratulate her on her husband's new found desire to get in shape.

 

Whereas the opposite is generally true for a wife who does the same. How many times have you seen a man say their wife took a sudden interest in losing weight and was spending all her free time at the gym and all her money on new clothes, and he get's advised to keep an eye on her as these are considered red flags when a wife starts behaving in such a way? Or better yet how many times have you seen a BH claim that his wife did just that before her affair?

 

That's because there's been so many married women who suddenly found themselves caring way too much about how they look and how others perceive them, who got in shape etc. and wound up eventually cheating on their husbands, men can do the same, but it just isn't as common of a scenario. A man doesn't typically change himself a whole lot physically and then seek an AP, they just jump right into seeking an AP without actually changing their appearance all that much, maybe cause they don't have to, I don't know.

 

It may not be PC, but the fact is men are generally not as susceptible to flattery or offense about their looks as women tend to be(probably cause they don't place as much value on their own physical appearance as women typically do) We could argue the reasons for that all day, whether it's biological, societal or some combination of the two, but my only point is that whether it's morally right or wrong, it's true.

 

If you just picked a man walking down the street at random and you called him fat, nine times out of ten he would shrug his shoulders and keep walking, if I did the same thing to a woman, nine times out of ten it would ruin her whole day. Most men wouldn't care what you(or any random woman) thinks about his looks whereas most women would be upset if a random man pointed out something she saw as a flaw about her.

 

Which is the reason why I said the OP is behaving in an effeminate manner by seeking compliments/flirtations from random females, both cause men typically don't do that and because I find it to be overly shallow behavior. Perhaps more women need to have higher self esteem or at least not place such an overwhelming emphasis on how "hot" they are. (BTW I wouldn't actually call somebody fat like that, I'm just making a point here.) Also, look at this quote from the OP below.

 

Exactly! I am not out there to cheat or have an affair. I just want to know I am attractive to ladies my age. An average looking 40-something woman can get dolled up and go out and have guys and even 20-something boys hit on her. I try to hit on a 20-something and I get laughed at.

 

This is not how most middle aged men think/talk. A woman might go to a bar/club to be flirted with and to feel like she's "still got it" as the OP put it, but a man goes to a bar/club to meet a woman for the purpose of having sex with her asap. It's not that they aren't both behaving immorally, it's just that one is stereotypical female behavior and the other is stereotypical male behavior, they can both be morally wrong at the same time though(IMO they are) This is all moot anyways, cause the OP is a married man and shouldn't be doing any of these things regardless of what his alleged endgame is.

Edited January 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove bolding

[merrmeade]

So I'm really glad I held back with my first response to previous posts on this issue of stereotyping. I feel no need to rejoin on the ABUNDANT and ever-increasing oversimplifications and generalizations that just keep coming from this source.

 

I even went to the trouble to research the definition of "stereotype," assuming - incorrectly - that a true stereotype had to be shared by a large number of people in a group. But, no, a stereotype can be invented and carried by an individual. So that's fine. Your stereotype. Your opinion. Free forum.

 

And I never cared that the behavior he was attributing to middle-aged women was disparaging. That wasn't the point. The point was that men do it, too. I doubt anybody understood why women were being highlighted. I couldn't find anywhere on the web that anyone shared such an opinion except on religious sites and blogs. There's even one called Biblical Gender Roles. Who knew?

 

So that explained that. I was even 'meh' that women-only characterization that started it all was so off, especially seeing others also balk at it. Of course, men also get caught up in the fitness/opposite-sex attraction issues of midlife! What really helped me relax at the absence of logic or science was seeing all the biblical references. I was even willing to ignore the Rush Limbaugh-like manner of claiming authority by simply being authoritative, e.g., "it's fairly common ... it's pretty normal ... the fact is ... a man doesn't typically ... the existing stereotype ..." etc. (the list was very long).

 

But when you start bullying, man, that's where I draw the line. You DON'T get to call OP names. It sounds like a 10-year-old except that they don't know the word "effeminate." The only thing that makes it not so bad is the sheer silliness of what he's being accused of—acting in a way that only one poster has decided characterizes women of a certain age. It's still mean. Maybe just twisted.

 

So, nevermind all that, D Train, just nevermind. First of all, I hope you realize that nobody is buying the nonsense about 'only middle-aged women act this way.' If you realize that, then you won't heed the taunting.

 

No, I'm going to repeat that I hope you find somebody to talk to who you feel understands what you're experiencing and can help you regain your sense of individual power and self-worth. I'm sure your wife could help there. Maybe some marriage counseling could help you treat each other in ways that make you feel more virile and her, sexy. Maybe you have some siblings or male friends you could talk to....

 

Best of luck, OP. I just think you need to channel this angst a different direction.

Edited January 16, 2016 by merrmeade

[mrs rubble]

Are my feelings normal among my fellow man?

 

 

I am 44, been married 15+ years. I was never a player or ladies man but would hook up with/date a average to decent looking girl every so often. My social anxiety hurt my chances a lot.

 

 

Anyway, I had steadily put on weight in my late 20,s, 30s, and 40s but my wife never was concerned with it and it didn't hinder our sex life except for my stamina. I was always faithful but one work happy hour when I was 38ish a 20-something co-worked seemed to be flirting with me as we went bar hopping. I think I could have hooked up with her but fortunately I still had good judgement and walked away and went home. It made me feel good that I still had it.

 

 

My weight had really affect my self esteem and confidence, especially in social situations. The last couple years I have lost most of the excess weight and am in good shape now. I am losing my hair tho.

 

 

Now that I am in better shape, I am very curious if another woman finds me attractive to the point of coming on to me. I want to see if I still got it. Is this normal mid life crisis stuff? I think I still have self esteem issues as I don't see myself as being attractive so maybe that is it.

 

My fiance is balding and he looks really old (and less attractive to me) unless he shaves it all off. I prefer a bald head over receding hairline on a 40 something and I know loads of other women feel the same way.

[TX-SC]

Stereotype: 50 year old guy in a red sports car.

 

What does that image bring to mind? "He's having a midlife crisis!" "He's probably cheating on his wife!" "He must be compensating for having a small penis!" Stereotypes can have a ring of truth, but they fail to recognize that everyone is different. Everyone has their own goals and desires. The guy in the sports car may just be a car fanatic, and at 50 he is finally financially able to enjoy his dream. He may love driving his wife in that car.

 

I had somewhat of a midlife crisis, so I can weigh in to some extent. It had nothing at all to do with how I look, and at no time did I ever think of cheating. It really came down to me questioning myself more. Am I happy with the choices I have made? Would I do everything the same, or would I change things, if given the chance. Am I happy in my career? Am I happy as a father and husband? In the end, the answer was a resounding yes. I am very happy. But, it did require some introspection, and honestly, quite a lot of concern for a bit. Not sure if my wife knew about all of this, but we did talk about some of it.

[ShatteredLady]

When my H started working out & going to the gym it just encouraged that little voice in my head that was whispering (He's interested in a woman at least...or he's having an A!). He managed to convince me that it was to help with his depression. Of course....it was OW!!

 

I think that the age of the poster (& to a lesser extent location) has a lot to do with people's perspective on if this is a male or female trait. I think it used to be true that men were less obsessed with their physical appearance.

 

Times have changed. Way more teenage boys are having the eating disorders & low self image, confidence etc. than ever before.

 

Anyway....having read the OP's posts I think there's a lot going on here. It could be a very extreme case of midlife crisis. I don't know. What I do know for a fact is if I was his WIFE I'd be heart broken if I read this forum!

 

"Oh honey, don't be CRAZY I only joined a notorious adultery site & chatted-up those women to see if I 'still had it' for you!! Don't be STUPID I'm only drinking with the guys & hitting on 20 somethings to know if they would have sex with me. I wouldn't actually do anything!!"

 

OP. How far do you need a strange young woman to go with you for you to be secure in your ability to pull? At what point would you say "OK I know you would shag me now...I'm going home to my wife! Goodbye!"??

 

Did you have a lot of women hitting on you when you were young? Did you have a lot of girlfriends & sexual experience? How often have you REJECTED advances?

 

Does your wife know that you're doing these things? Would you mind if she was doing the same things....just so she knows "She's still got it!"?

[The D Train]

 

OP. How far do you need a strange young woman to go with you for you to be secure in your ability to pull? At what point would you say "OK I know you would shag me now...I'm going home to my wife! Goodbye!"??

 

Did you have a lot of women hitting on you when you were young? Did you have a lot of girlfriends & sexual experience? How often have you REJECTED advances?

 

Does your wife know that you're doing these things? Would you mind if she was doing the same things....just so she knows "She's still got it!"?

 

I will try to answer these in order:

 

 

1. I am a very guarded (shy, socially awkward at times) person and never flirt with anyone in social situations. But for some apparently selfish reason, I just want to know if women find me attractive. It would help my confidence in social, work situations. Blame it on my lack of social skills but it would be nice if women in general would be more "social, friendly, etc" with me.

 

 

2. In college & after I had my fair share of experiences - I would say normal for back in the 90s. I had a few 1 night stands, dated girls here and there for a few months at a time, had one LTR in college. Some of the issue is my friends were "hooking up" much more often and with better looking girls. I did land a couple very good looking girls but had a few avg to very below avg looking girls compared to my friends. My friends usually hooked up at bars, parties, etc and with my social inabilities and prolly avg looks, my opportunities were much less.

 

 

3. She has no idea as far as I know. I would not blame her for being ragey tho as I would be upset too.

 

 

I guess the human mind is very complicated and we all do things for different reasons and a labryinth past issues can affect our mental state.

Edited January 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Mrs. John Adams]

I believe you are walking on a very slippery slope.

 

We all have insecurities.. It is when we become obsessed with them... And you are.. That we allow ourselves to misbehave.

 

I am a fww... I was very insecure and I gave myself permission to cheat.

 

You are cheating.. It doesn't matter why right now... And quite frankly your why's are merely excuses. But if you asked your wife what she thinks about the things you are doing... She will say you are cheating..

 

She loves you in spite of your insecurities... And she loves you for who you are... Fat or thin. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you.

 

I hope you get yourself sorted out before you do irreparable damage to your relationship

[VeveCakes]

I will try to answer these in order:

 

 

1. I am a very guarded (shy, socially awkward at times) person and never flirt with anyone in social situations. But for some apparently selfish reason, I just want to know if women find me attractive. It would help my confidence in social, work situations. Blame it on my lack of social skills but it would be nice if women in general would be more "social, friendly, etc" with me.

 

 

2. In college & after I had my fair share of experiences - I would say normal for back in the 90s. I had a few 1 night stands, dated girls here and there for a few months at a time, had one LTR in college. Some of the issue is my friends were "hooking up" much more often and with better looking girls. I did land a couple very good looking girls but had a few avg to very below avg looking girls compared to my friends. My friends usually hooked up at bars, parties, etc and with my social inabilities and prolly avg looks, my opportunities were much less.

 

 

3. She has no idea as far as I know. I would not blame her for being ragey tho as I would be upset too.

 

 

I guess the human mind is very complicated and we all do things for different reasons and a labryinth past issues can affect our mental state.

 

I think it's sad that the thing you are focused on most for self worth is whether you are attractive or not.

 

A lying sneaky cheating man is not attractive, so choose your path wisely.

 

There are lots of women out there who would love a loyal loving husband. Be that guy, and you will be admired by many women.

[merrmeade]

Okay, now I see what's happened and can't believe I fell for this!

 

First, it was the disarming innocence accompanying OP's arrested development issues —

Exhibit A:

I will try to answer these in order:

1. I am a very guarded (shy, socially awkward at times) person and never flirt with anyone in social situations. But for some apparently selfish reason, I just want to know if women find me attractive. It would help my confidence in social, work situations. Blame it on my lack of social skills but it would be nice if women in general would be more "social, friendly, etc" with me.

 

2. In college & after I had my fair share of experiences - I would say normal for back in the 90s. I had a few 1 night stands, dated girls here and there for a few months at a time, had one LTR in college. Some of the issue is my friends were "hooking up" much more often and with better looking girls. I did land a couple very good looking girls but had a few avg to very below avg looking girls compared to my friends. My friends usually hooked up at bars, parties, etc and with my social inabilities and prolly avg looks, my opportunities were much less.

All I could see was the guy nobody wanted to go out with, who never developed socially. I don't know how he did it, but somehow I lost sight of the fact that the other side of self-pity is entitlement—

Exhibit B:

3. She has no idea as far as I know. I would not blame her for being ragey tho as I would be upset too.

"... ragey," he says. Ragey. Cutesy for angry, furious, outraged. Describing his wife. The reaction she might have on discovering of his forays into the world of infidelity, the serious effort and time he's put into cheating on her.

 

But what really yanked me back to reality was the last line. Read it. Think about how different it is from the other stuff OP's written.

Exhibit C:

I guess the human mind is very complicated and we all do things for different reasons and a labryinth past issues can affect our mental state.

So who IS this person? This one line reveals someone I didn't see before—someone well spoken, educated—who's wryly commenting here on his own condition but from so very far away. It's completely impersonal, unfeeling, indifferent though almost philosophical. This is cold, clinical. Nothing personal, almost like a disembodied observation, as if he's separated himself from the tentative 40-something with the messed-up childhood trying to reinvent himself as a stud.

 

So this person gives the barest nod to comments on the immorality and abnormality of his actions, first glibly acknowledging his wife's potentially 'ragey' reaction to his illicit activities, then ostensibly affirming psychological factors (but so vaguely as to actually dismiss them).

 

Creepy if not pathological and hell bent on getting laid. Yuck. I'm out. And sorry for giving you the benefit of the doubt.