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She slept with ex while we were dating


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StraightUpGuy

Hi people,

 

my first post here. I'm in this phenomenal relationship for more than three months. We are both very sensitive and passionate people and what we have now is so great that I don't remember seeing something like this in movies. We are together all the time. We already talked about kids and marriage like it's no big deal. We want both! That is how much we love each other. We care for each other so much that I can't imagine how our loves would be if we would separate. All in all, it can't be better, trust me.

 

What happened is that I have discovered from her twitter account by accident that she had slept with her ex one last time one week into our dating period and 10 days before our first kiss. While she was open from the beginning and we openly talked about our past she told me she had one or two more things to tell me but she asked me if I can wait some time before I hear them. I said OK. She broke up with her ex a year ago after two very agonizing years. She loved him very much but apparently he was a kind of guy that made her life miserable before he finally broke up with her over the phone.

 

What is troubling me the most is how emotionally she talked about that one last time with her ex. She said, once again, I find myself in the arms of the person I used to love so much, absolute happiness. Please go because I can't watch you leave... and so on.

 

I feel so betrayed by her. We share something so great and what she did just doesn't add up. For past two days I can't stop thinking about that. I need to confront her with that. What do you think?

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StraightUpGuy

35, she is 24. Age difference is a little bit unusual I know but from the start we clicked like we were meant to be. Those were her words not mine. She initiated most of those marriage, kids topics by the way.

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Hi people,

 

my first post here. I'm in this phenomenal relationship for more than three months. We are both very sensitive and passionate people and what we have now is so great that I don't remember seeing something like this in movies. We are together all the time. We already talked about kids and marriage like it's no big deal. We want both! That is how much we love each other. We care for each other so much that I can't imagine how our loves would be if we would separate. All in all, it can't be better, trust me.

 

What happened is that I have discovered from her twitter account by accident that she had slept with her ex one last time one week into our dating period and 10 days before our first kiss. While she was open from the beginning and we openly talked about our past she told me she had one or two more things to tell me but she asked me if I can wait some time before I hear them. I said OK. She broke up with her ex a year ago after two very agonizing years. She loved him very much but apparently he was a kind of guy that made her life miserable before he finally broke up with her over the phone.

 

What is troubling me the most is how emotionally she talked about that one last time with her ex. She said, once again, I find myself in the arms of the person I used to love so much, absolute happiness. Please go because I can't watch you leave... and so on.

 

I feel so betrayed by her. We share something so great and what she did just doesn't add up. For past two days I can't stop thinking about that. I need to confront her with that. What do you think?

 

First of all, what she did before you two were exclusive/official is really none of your business. Secondly, she is 24 now, but only, what? 21 when she was with that guy. Emotionally, she is just a baby.

 

You are 35, only been with her 3 months and this tied up? I don't know who is more emotionally undeveloped . . .

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You've been seeing each other a little over 3 months...

 

She slept with her ex and gushed bout it on social media....

 

You are talking about a family after dating for 3 months or so?

That's all fine and good. But this in your post

 

"she had one or two more things to tell me but she asked me if I can wait some time before I hear them".

 

Huh? What?

 

If I were you I would simply take that as a hint that there is going to be something else to come up which you won't be comfortable with.

 

Your age difference is not that unusual at all. I am in my fifties now and I was seeing someone in their early twenties when I was in my late 40's. What I want to say is that my relationship died a natural death due to the age difference in that we did not see eye to eye on what priorities were relationship wise. She cheated on me, I dumped her. End of story. We just wanted different things.

 

In your case however, I think her telling you this cryptic stuff was a huge red flag. Sure you had only started dating when she slept with her ex and unless you had both decided you were exclusive then no harm no foul. What I see regarding your situation is that perhaps she will define exclusivity a little differently than you do. Hence why she wants to wait to tell you some things. If she was gushing about it on Social Media then your best option would be ask her about those things she wanted to wait to tell you. My guess again is that it will be something you won't like.

 

It sounds like you are a little more into her than she is into you. I would advise you to get those questions answered before you move any farther in this relationship. It seems a bit one sided, quite frankly.

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I understand how you feel.

 

But you won't find a perfect world. In a perfect world she wouldn't have done that. But she has. It's frustrating and it hurts. If your connection is so strong as you said, you need to see beyond what happened.

 

All said when knowing she hasn't done anything really wrong. She was starting dating with you, hasn't even kissed you, and fell one time for her previous flame, while she didn't have this strong feelings for you like she has now. You also weren't exclusive back then.

 

So it's a really minor thing for you, maybe a good thing to remind you to never take her for granted.

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StraightUpGuy

Well I guess that's me. She told me she had a huge crush on me three months before we even stared dating, when she saw me for the first time. We soon started texting each other and very quickly proclaimed our emotions to one another. What bothers me is that she told me that from the moment she saw me she could not picture herself with any other man, she had a very stonng feeling that we were soul mates... Those are lies, now obviously.

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You weren't yet exclusive, so she didn't cheat. She was a free agent at that point, so while I can understand that you aren't happy about this, it really doesn't matter unless she is clinging to the past and not embracing the present, which is you. That's the bigger issue, really.

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StraightUpGuy
I understand how you feel.

 

But you won't find a perfect world. In a perfect world she wouldn't have done that. But she has. It's frustrating and it hurts. If your connection is so strong as you said, you need to see beyond what happened.

 

All said when knowing she hasn't done anything really wrong. She was starting dating with you, hasn't even kissed you, and fell one time for her previous flame, while she didn't have this strong feelings for you like she has now. You also weren't exclusive back then.

 

So it's a really minor thing for you, maybe a good thing to remind you to never take her for granted.

 

Thank you. This is something my reasonable self would say I know. But why is it so wrong to let go and dream your perfect love if for a moment you thought was possible. I'm not retarded, I can presume why she did the thing she did but am I allowed to bitch about it at least on this forum. I admit I have a problem with jealousy, but only with her because I never felt this way before in my life and I'm not a little princess you know. I feel so betrayed...

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Well I guess that's me. She told me she had a huge crush on me three months before we even stared dating, when she saw me for the first time. We soon started texting each other and very quickly proclaimed our emotions to one another. What bothers me is that she told me that from the moment she saw me she could not picture herself with any other man, she had a very stonng feeling that we were soul mates... Those are lies, now obviously.

 

So, you're saying that after and at the same time while she was telling you that she couldn't picture herself with any other man, she went sleeping with him?

 

That's a different thing. I don't care if you were exclusive or not because we don't judge her "right" to do it.

 

If i may ask - What was the time frame? I mean, like did she tell you that she loves you on sunday, slept with him on monday, and then told you she loves you again on tuesday?

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StraightUpGuy

For example, we used to hug for hours without even kissing each other. We enjoyed that so much that we agreed that it would be fun to wait a week before we kiss each other. Like some foolish kids. We both like to verbally express out emotions and from the start we commented on every little stupid thing we liked about our hugs kisses and so on. Can you feel me better now? I don't believe in fairly tales but i just though I stumbled onto one by accident. And then she had to bang that guy. Blah

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Well I guess that's me. She told me she had a huge crush on me three months before we even stared dating, when she saw me for the first time. We soon started texting each other and very quickly proclaimed our emotions to one another. What bothers me is that she told me that from the moment she saw me she could not picture herself with any other man, she had a very stonng feeling that we were soul mates... Those are lies, now obviously.

 

From your OP, you weren't betrayed, but if she was telling you this kind of stuff, yeah, you were betrayed a little bit. I wouldn't say cheated on, but mislead would be an understatement.

 

You need to talk to her and find out the truth. If you guys weren't exclusive, it technically wasn't cheating. However, I suspect you're going to find out this never really stopped between them.

 

You do have to accept that any decent looking 24 year old girl is going to be sleeping with other people if you aren't exclusive. Hard pill to swallow, but they have limitless options.

 

The real issue here is how much you've invested in a 24 year old girl in such a short period of time. That not love; that's infatuation. This will only end in heartache for you, but at your age, you should already know that. I'm not sure I'd loan a 24 year girl my car, but I certainly wouldn't hand over my emotional well-being.

 

Make sure that when you confront her you do not tell her the details of what you know. You make one statement and one statement only. "I know you've slept with your ex and this is you one and only time to come clean." Otherwise you will never truly know the truth of the current status of their relationship. She is only going to admit what you can prove, so give her one chance to be honest and if it adds up, move past it. If it doesn't, move on.

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StraightUpGuy
So, you're saying that after and at the same time while she was telling you that she couldn't picture herself with any other man, she went sleeping with him?

 

That's a different thing. I don't care if you were exclusive or not because we don't judge her "right" to do it.

 

If i may ask - What was the time frame? I mean, like did she tell you that she loves you on sunday, slept with him on monday, and then told you she loves you again on tuesday?

 

I can't exactly pin the exact day but we were already telling each other in an indirect form that we never found people like we were before in a sense of being very similar. Let me put it this way. Her tweets just before and after those I mentioned before were about me. She said, I finally found someone I can relate to and I think is my soul mate and then she mentioned few specifics from our conversations.

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I can't exactly pin the exact day but we were already telling each other in an indirect form that we never found people like we were before in a sense of being very similar. Let me put it this way. Her tweets just before and after those I mentioned before were about me. She said, I finally found someone I can relate to and I think is my soul mate and then she mentioned few specifics from our conversations.

 

So, I can understand that at that time she was into you, but still had some feelings to her Ex. Things happen. It doesn't mean she lied to you about her love to you, but yes, she hasn't been clean with you. (No perfect world, remember?)

 

Of course you should confront her immediately. Let her explain her rational and feelings back then. She might manage to convince you. The one thing I hope she will not do - is start telling you BS like "We weren't officially exclusive so it's not cheating". If she talks like that, it's a very bad sign. It means that her only concern is to selfishly get away with it, and not focusing on the important issues.

 

I have never had a relationship that was dragged without sex for so long, but i think that in your shoes, i would have found it very difficult to live with. I'm also a jealous guy (not extremely) and when i'm into someone, it's only her and no one else, and I expect the same from the other side. And if she did something with him she should have told you immediately. She didn't tell you probably because she was afraid to lose you, exactly what can happen to her now.

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What's keeping you from confronting her? Pull the damn phone out of your pocket and send a text giving her a chance to confess. Get it over with so you can move past this sickness, man. Quit prolonging your agony and just do it!

 

Just whatever you do, don't let her know what details you know. Give her a chance to be completely honest. You'll feel a lot better if admits it fully without you having to pull it out of her.

 

"I know you've slept with your ex since we've started dating. I'm giving you one chance to come completely clean about it." - send.

Edited by HereNorThere
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He's 35 years old! TEXT her for a confession to something that wasn't any of his business at the time anyway? Paleeze . . . If he's going to entertain any kind of "confrontation", he should do it like a grown up and sit down and talk to her. Frankly, she's the one dodging a bullet. 35 years old and torn up over a 24 year old girl after only 3 months -- hormones and ego really are powerful forces . . .

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He's 35 years old! TEXT her for a confession to something that wasn't any of his business at the time anyway? Paleeze . . . If he's going to entertain any kind of "confrontation", he should do it like a grown up and sit down and talk to her. Frankly, she's the one dodging a bullet. 35 years old and torn up over a 24 year old girl after only 3 months -- hormones and ego really are powerful forces . . .

 

He's already been chastised for the age difference an falling too hard, so let's cut the poor guy a little slack.

 

The reason I say text is simply because he's so smitten that he would cave in person or hearing her voice. The reason I say confront is because she was obviously capable of sharing intimacy with 2 people at the same time, so he has a right to know for sure that it's not still going on. She was being a little disingenuous, so I think he at least has a right to know that it didn't continue beyond that point. Besides, we both know he isn't going to feel better until he gets this out in the open.

 

You would probably feel a little icky too if a guy was whispering sweet nothings to you while sleeping with his ex. I don't really know anyone that wouldn't feel a little disgusted or betrayed thinking about that.

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I can't exactly pin the exact day but we were already telling each other in an indirect form that we never found people like we were before in a sense of being very similar. Let me put it this way. Her tweets just before and after those I mentioned before were about me. She said, I finally found someone I can relate to and I think is my soul mate and then she mentioned few specifics from our conversations.

 

S.U.G.

 

Did she actually post that about Soul Mates?

That's a hard act to follow....

 

Reason I ask is that when someone does something like that, it is akin to pedestal status. Do you feel like perhaps after that tweet you may have put her on that pedestal? That may be why this is so agonizing for you.

 

Again, take anything anyone says here with a grain of salt, but are you able to step back a bit and look at it from a more objective point of view? I think you may be in for a huge letdown from this woman if you do not ask her about what it is she wanted to wait to let you know. I think your answer to this whole thing lies with her answering that question

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It's up to you whether you choose to get over it and put yourself in her shoes or if you choose to hang onto it and let it fester and ruin your relationship with her.

 

I hope you let it go because it happened before you two got really serious, before your first kiss.

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So you were seeing each other for a few weeks before you even kissed. Obviously she was unattached at that point and nothing logical would have prevented her from sleeping with someone else. She did not know yet whether anything would come from you and her. It was still up to you to make the move, and since you didn't do it that particular night, she banged another guy instead.

 

You can always hold it against her and move on, but realise that your next step would be finding a woman who abstains from casual sex, because the rest of them don't see anything questionable about such behaviour and have likely engaged in it themselves.

Edited by Leucine
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I would dump my bf if I had found out something like that early on. No questions asked. I'm not interested in dealing with someone who is still dealing with feelings/sex with an ex. If she was over her ex, she wouldn't have been sleeping with him, it's that simple. If I'm dating someone, regardless of if we've kissed or slept together, they'd be OUT if they slept with anyone else, muchless an ex! It's totally disrespectful to be going on dates with one guy and then turning around and sleeping with another. Like sorry but you're either interested in me and seeing where this goes, or you're sleeping with other people. Not both.

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StraightUpGuy
Of course you should confront her immediately. Let her explain her rational and feelings back then. She might manage to convince you. The one thing I hope she will not do - is start telling you BS like "We weren't officially exclusive so it's not cheating". If she talks like that, it's a very bad sign. It means that her only concern is to selfishly get away with it, and not focusing on the important issues.

 

I'm also a jealous guy (not extremely) and when i'm into someone, it's only her and no one else, and I expect the same from the other side. And if she did something with him she should have told you immediately. She didn't tell you probably because she was afraid to lose you, exactly what can happen to her now.

 

I was thinking the same. I'm jealous too, but I never make any scenes. But this made me so angry. I don't buy that exclusivity excuse that others have mentioned because I expect when someone invest words and serious feeling and puts them on the table at least some courtesy and honesty should be involved. I'm not a little kid and I think that being honest and respectful is more important than hiding behind that "being exclusive" crap. I'm not the owner of her, I get that. So why do I feel like crap.

 

You would probably feel a little icky too if a guy was whispering sweet nothings to you while sleeping with his ex. I don't really know anyone that wouldn't feel a little disgusted or betrayed thinking about that.

 

Thank you! That is exactly how I feel. I'm not bothered that she been in love before because I see what we have, so my confidence is just fine. I'm angry because she did it while we already had something going. What bothers me the most is what drove her to do it and how she felt.

 

Did she actually post that about Soul Mates?

 

Reason I ask is that when someone does something like that, it is akin to pedestal status. Do you feel like perhaps after that tweet you may have put her on that pedestal? That may be why this is so agonizing for you.

 

Yes she did and I understand your concerns but she already told me that before we even kissed, a few times. So no pedestal here. We are romantic people but also very realistic. My life has not been exactly rosy most of the time so I had my share of reality.

 

I'm not interested in dealing with someone who is still dealing with feelings/sex with an ex. If she was over her ex, she wouldn't have been sleeping with him, it's that simple. It's totally disrespectful to be going on dates with one guy and then turning around and sleeping with another. Like sorry but you're either interested in me and seeing where this goes, or you're sleeping with other people. Not both.

 

I'm with you on this. I don't live in some ancient times but if someone clearly wants something with you I just don't see how I can get along with them sleeping with someone else.

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StraightUpGuy

Now after reading all this and thinking about it I believe there are only two things that should happen. Me confronting her with this and asking for an explanation because I think I have every right to know due to the level of seriousness our relationship has come to.

 

And whether I'm going to accept and digest what she will tell me. I'm so brokenhearted right now and disgusted especially because my most honest feelings have been compromised by her act. Betrayed would be the best term.

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Now after reading all this and thinking about it I believe there are only two things that should happen. Me confronting her with this and asking for an explanation because I think I have every right to know due to the level of seriousness our relationship has come to.

 

And whether I'm going to accept and digest what she will tell me. I'm so brokenhearted right now and disgusted especially because my most honest feelings have been compromised by her act. Betrayed would be the best term.

 

You are going to confront her and you will probably hear what you already know (BTW, she's mentioned 2-3 things she owes to tell you, ask her to open everything now).

 

After this you'll have to make a decision. Before taking any decision, try to stick with some basic elements.

 

1. If you choose to stay, can you stay without resentment? Because if you're gonna stay and being bitter all the time, it will not work. Decide to stay only if you think you can really really forgive her.

 

2. If you tend to call it off, think! Are you willing to lose her for good? Because if you leave, and then miss her and regret, and so and so, this will be the worst for you. Because then she might sleep with her ex again, or other dudes, while you're not together, and it will eat you from the inside so much until the pain you feel now is nothing compare to that. If you break up, it means that the minute after, she is free to go with other men. Can you handle it? Can you really loose her?

 

What i'm saying is every decision you make - make it when you're convinced this is what you want, and stick to it

Edited by lolablue17
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A lot of things aren't adding up for me. You stated that you've been dating for three months; yet, she had a crush on you for three months prior. So, you start dating and she sleeps with her Ex while you two are starting your relationship. I would have to question on how strong her "crush" on you was. Because her social media seem pretty intimate and reads like a person still in love.

 

 

She admitted that she has one or two things to tell you, but she'll tell you at a later date. Well, you discovered at least ONE thing she needed to tell you. And that one thing is very devastating. You have to be wondering what could possibly be the other thing!

 

 

If she could do this to you when she had a crush on you and she should have been happy about entering a relationship with you, then she sleeps with her Ex, you have to be asking yourself what's going to happen when the honeymoon phase of this relationship ends and things start to get routine? Is she going to do this again?

 

 

So, in my opinion. You need to end this. You've only got three months invested. Quit before you get anymore emotionally involved. You would need to end it for two reasons.

 

 

1. She's not mature enough to handle a committed relationship.

 

 

2. She's still in love with her Ex.

Edited by Chi townD
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