Tom811 Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) I recently, went back to church and saw my first love from college..we went together for 2 1/2 years had some sex but due to my religious beliefs I never consummated the relationship (which is why I believe she left me, she got fustrated). I went into depression and held hatred for her for breaking all communications. Anyways, now 30 years later I see her again , she's married with a husband who has serious cancer issues ( very skinny, anemic looking , probably impotent). Just from eye contact and facial expressions, it seems she loves me again, even more so than 30 years ago. I have avoided her at the church social hour after service,...she seems upset that I will not talk to her. This from eye communication. The reason is that I cannot accept her because she is a married woman. (for various reasons , I never married, I had to care for an handicapped parent). It just bothers me, that she has been sexually active for 30 years whereas for the most part I have been celibate ( mostly, just one night stands here and there). I never really fell in love again. I know she wants to talk but I am disturbed by this. I believe at the least she wants an intimate friend or maybe a potential new husband when her current one passes away. Any advice or suggestions? I think this is a bad way to start a friendship, to be blunt my internal feelings feel like telling her, " I fell in love with virgin". I also want to state a small part of me still loves this woman , although there no longer is no physical attraction (she is now seriously, overweight). Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 If these are your true sentiments then I would continue to avoid her at church social hour. She probably doesn't need your overly judgemental attitude at this point in her life with her husband dying and all. Your thoughts about her sexuality show some real repression there and is something you should probably explore with a therapist. She got married and lived life, that's not a sin, nor anything to be judged for. The fact you didn't isn't her problem, it's yours. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Tom811, you are projecting and assuming a LOT from mere eye contact. There is no reason you can't talk with her and just be polite. You "believe she wants an intimate friend" because that is what you want her to want = you. You are holding a whole slew of resentment and it isn't just pointed towards her. I believe you resent yourself for all the things you didn't allow to happen years ago plus having to care for a handicapped parent. I honestly believe you could do with a whole bunch of therapy and - if Christian values mean anything - extend the hand of friendship to ALL in your congregation, including her husband, especially if he is terminally ill. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) You're not upset that she had sex for 30 years; you're jealous. Shame on you for shaming some old woman for having a 30 year successful marriage. And she probably wants someone capable of a long-term relationship partner instead of some socially inept man child that lives that could only pull of a a few one nighters. Go ahead and throw that first stone, sinner. Does it not dawn on you that she's the one who actually had a marriage and you just had random pity premarital sex? Sounds like you like to hold people to a higher standard than yourself. Not to mention, you're lusting after a dying man's (possibly) wayward wife from church. She hasn't even done anything to pursue an extramarital affair with you anyway. You just wish she would so you could judge her some more before you hit it. I have no doubt that you wouldn't do it either. A man in the desert is going to drink some water if it's offered. Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T 8 Link to post Share on other sites
CollegeKid101 Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 This entire post is somewhat disturbing to say the least. She moved on, you didn't. Get over it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 What does 'had some sex but never consummated' mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom811 Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) What does 'had some sex but never consummated' mean? I did everything except screw her because I wanted her to be a virgin on our wedding day. I did finger her for all thats worth. I remember how easy it was, no blood...and still wonder if she was really a virgin. I want to state I did have some other relationships that I could of entered into marriage...but I was not really in love ...I was a work alcoholic, running a small business.... became a self made multi-millionaire ..it would of been easy to simply buy all the sex I wanted,...but I never did ( just my values). At this point, I do not know I would want a wife ( I could never be sure she was not after my money) but am looking for a companion. Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 You wouldn't necessarily draw blood even with PIV, so the fact that you didn't with a finger means nothing. It's amazing that you're wondering if she was a virgin, 30 years later. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CollegeKid101 Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 What does 'had some sex but never consummated' mean? I did everything except screw her because I wanted her to be a virgin on our wedding day. I did finger her for all thats worth. I remember how easy it was, no blood...and still wonder if she was really a virgin. I want to state I did have some other relationships that I could of entered into marriage...but I was not really in love ...I was a work alcoholic, running a small business.... became a self made multi-millionaire ..it would of been easy to simply buy all the sex I wanted,...but I never did ( just my values). At this point, I do not know I would want a wife ( I could never be sure she was not after my money) but am looking for a companion. Ahhh the truth comes out. You never had sex with her and you actually lead me to believe you're a virgin still. How on earth would you still be bitter 30 years later? You think fingering a virgin girl should have caused her to bleed...how naive, you don't know the first clue about sex. You're fantasizing over how "easy it was"...THIRTY years later because that was perhaps your only sexual experience ever. Leave this woman alone. You clearly have some sort of issues. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Wow. The posts here are very harsh...... But nonetheless, true. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) The fact that you assume all of this because this woman looked at you is very concerning, and speaks volumes about your mental state. You hooked up with a woman 30 years ago, you see her for the first time in three decades, and she is caring for her dying husband...the first thing you feel like saying to her is "I fell in love with virgin []." No empathy at all - just some twisted crap coming from inside you. This whole thread gives me the creeps big time - you are a very disturbed individual. Please leave this woman alone. Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I did everything except screw her because I wanted her to be a virgin on our wedding day. I did finger her for all thats worth. I remember how easy it was, no blood...and still wonder if she was really a virgin. Some of us never bled when we lost our virginity. There is another assumption you are making about women.... At this point, I do not know I would want a wife ( I could never be sure she was not after my money) but am looking for a companion. How could you be sure that a companion wouldn't also be after you for your money? There *are* women who want to marry who aren't into material things, as well, you know. But since you haven't ever seemed to form any long-term relationships, I wonder if YOU are capable of having anything like a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom811 Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 First, I appreciate all the feedback...even the nasty ones. But , I just gave you the bare skeleton of the story and many of you are making false assumptions. To tell the whole store would take pages of copy. My church hall doubles as a basketball court for the youth...it is large with 150-200 people gathering for the social hour. Large Catholic parish. This woman pursues me coming within 10 feet every Sunday...she comes to church without her husband, alone. I prefer she just keep her distance and leave the past in the past. Her presence rekindles my feelings for her...and disturbs me. I want to be nice to her...but to many negative feelings are mixed in. Most of the women who are attracted to me in church (who start conversations) are married (they just like to flirt ..bored with their husbands) and I enjoy their company but with her, it is entirely different, because I loved her as a virgin, and still have spark of that love left. Do married women prefer to flirt with single men??? Maybe, because no jealous wives are looking on? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Hatred - resentment - Jealousy - Judgment - prejudice. All this because of a religion. Is it what they teach you? Go sit some place else in the Church. Link to post Share on other sites
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