The rational me versus the emotional me

[LeylaM]

Hi guys, this is my first thread here - I'd love to get the perspectives of others, but am also writing this as it's the first time I'm attempting to articulate my feelings on paper, and I think that in itself might be a help...

 

Some basic stats on my relationship - I am a female, not quite 30, who's been in a relationship with a man for almost 9 and a half years; we got married last year. No kids..

 

I am currently having an internal battle between my rational sensible 'scientific' self and my more emotional, independent, 'free-spirited' self. I am seriously considering breaking off my relationship, if not permanently then asking for the rather cliche 'break'. I have been going over things in my head and keep playing devil's advocate to myself, which, really, is immensely unhelpful... To stop myself from writing a novel-length post, her are some of the issues I'm grappling with:

 

We have no 'serious' problems in our relationship - we get along great, are great friends, do not fight, agree on all the big things and most of the little things too. Neither one of us is abusive, controlling, selfish, lazy etc. BUT I feel myself becoming less romantically inclined toward him, and, now that my subconscious has decided to rise to the surface, I realise I have been feeling increasingly this way for at least a few years. I have not been sexually attracted to him for quite some time but my rational self has been telling me that this is just science, and that companionship and friendship naturally replace being 'in love', let alone lust, and that I just have to deal with it.. But the other part of me yearns so badly for a chemical connection..

 

Without trying to sound up myself (obviously there's some irony in my situation), our friends and family view us as 'the perfect couple' - seriously I've had people say to me they look up to our relationship, say that we are clearly 'meant to be', and a friend who even said he doesn't care about marriage but was so excited when he heard we were engaged and couldn't wait til our wedding... So the sheer logistics of dropping a bombshell not just on my SO but all our mutual friends and close families is almost enough to deter me - but I don't want to make my decision based on that!

 

We got flipping married last year. I have always been one to assert that people should simply not get married unless they are 100% sure, because anything else is disrespectful to the other person and to marriage itself. I said that I could never understand people who get married then realise they've made a mistake. So now I find myself in the incomprehensible and humiliating position of feeling that exact feeling. Imagine all our friends who attended our awesome wedding - who thought we were great together! Imagine all my now engaged friends - I feel like I am making a mockery out of their decision to get married! Imagine if we break up for good and I have to carry the humiliating baggage of having a failed marriage at age 30!

 

But the bottom line is - I am not attracted to him anymore, and more and more I find myself withdrawing from his touch, and though i haven't been enthusiastic about sex for quite some time, now I actively avoid it (in addition to avoiding things like getting dressed in front of him) and don't enjoy it. I fantasise about other men - mostly strangers. I feel like I now see attractive people everywhere and I wonder about them, whereas I didn't see them before. I relish any time alone (he is going interstate for a couple of weeks soon and I am counting down the days). I find myself not caring as much about what he is doing, which I am ashamed of. Even the thought of him with someone else sexually doesn't really bother me. I find little things about him annoying whereas I never did before. I yearn to be by myself. I feel like I am almost 30 and I've just slept-walk through my 20s, going with the flow because I wasn't miserable to do so, and now wondering who the hell I am and what on earth I want out of life. I wonder what decisions I would have made by myself and for myself without consideration for our relationship. I struggle to refer to him as my husband, I kept my maiden name, I haven't changed my marital status on facebook, I have only my engagement ring but no wedding band - all small things but am thinking these are little red flags...

 

Obviously I feel like the world's biggest a*******, I feel terrible for not returning his affections, I never thought I would be this person.

 

My rational self says, "marriage is hard, you're just freaking out because you've made a huge commitment. You just have to try harder. You're just having a crisis because you're almost 30 and wondering what to do with your life. You know lust and being in love fades, that's normal, just accept it and move on, do the best with what you have. Your husband is a great guy who everyone adores, you can't possibly leave him, for the vague reason to 'find yourself' or whatever, just stay and try harder. You just got married - leaving would be foolish and humiliating for everyone and how would you even look your family and friends in the eye, how would you explain it to them. Don't do it."

 

My more emotional self says, "you've been in serious relationships since you were 15, with not even a month of being single, and you've never had the chance to be truly alone or independent - these things are important. Yes being in love fades, but you've been feeling like this for a while without properly admitting it to yourself - surely some level of attraction and spark should remain over time? It's ok to not know what you want - you've always been so sensible but you can only do it for long - take a risk. You clearly need time to think about what you want, and who you want. Yes you may lose your SO for good, but you are miserable now so isn't it worth the risk? He will be crushed, but he also wants you to be happy, maybe it won't be so bad. Yes you share a close group of friends, and they'll be shellshocked, but they want what's best for you too. This could work. Do it."

 

See my predicament?

 

I have actually booked in to see a psychologist next week to act as an objective third party who hopefully can help me sort out what it is I want. I can't really talk about this with anyone else for obvious reasons... Never thought I would see a psychologist either but I continue to surprise myself!

 

Thoughts welcome and well done for making it this far if you did!

[Nilfiry]

Have you tried anything to revive that spark? Maybe you are just tired of the same routine everyday?

 

Your rational thought is riddled with guilt. If you want to look at it more logically, then perhaps you are just tired of him. Him being a good guy or not has nothing to do with it. People tend to get bored of the same thing over and over, regardless of what it is. It happens. You got caught up in the moment and married on a whim. Now that that excitement is over and you have achieved your goal, you are no longer interested. It is like finally beating a game.

 

If you follow your rational side, you may end up sexually frustrated and emotionally restrained. Eventually, it may even lead you to seek outside excitement anyway, which would make things worse and hurt him even more. When the hormones and needs start raging, even whimsical, irrational thoughts can seem like a great and sound idea. If you want to go this route, you should totally get a kid. Nothing ties people together like a child.

 

Alternatively, if you follow your emotions, you will probably be happier because the guilt only lasts so long. The emotional injuries will heal once you have adapted to single life, and you can still be friends with mutual understanding. The sooner you do it, the better because he is going to notice or has already noticed you distancing yourself anyway.

 

Now if you actually read all of that, there is really only one thing that you should do.

 

To be fair to yourself and him, this is something that you HAVE to talk about with your husband first ASAP. Communicating directly and honestly is an important part of any relationship. You two can then decide what to do next, be it either work together to revive the excitement, learn to understand and adapt to the situation, or agree to break up and go your own way. Please make this talk with your husband first and foremost.

[darkbloom]

My biggest piece of advice for you is: Stop caring what others will think.

 

Seriously. Whether that be your friends or family. They're opinions do not matter because it's not their life. It's yours.

 

We can all say some silly judgmental things sometimes. And we can all be a bit hypocritical at times.

 

I think seeking professional advice will help you sort out your feelings better. But I can't imagine staying in a relationship that I don't want to be in based off of not wanting to shatter the illusion that you're the perfect couple.

[LeylaM]

Thank you both for replying, I appreciate it.

 

Nilfiry yes I intend to talk with my SO as soon as possible - I guess I'm trying to sort things out internally a bit first so I am sure of what I want to say, and that I mean it. I feel like at the moment I am swaying toward asking for a break - whatever that may mean. You mentioned kids - I have always wanted kids but over the past few years, as I've gotten older, and particularly after getting married, the very thought terrifies me - it's not so abstract anymore. I feel that can't be a good sign either... And you are right about seeking excitement elsewhere - I was drunk while out with friends recently (SO wasn't there) and I flirted and talked with a man for ages and didn't mention I was married - then had to fess up when he asked for my number.. Inappropriate behaviour that I would never usually consider and would normally frown upon but without inhibitions I acted out - again as you say this is a potentially dangerous and damaging thing.

 

Thanks also darkbloom - I realise it reads like I care about 'keeping up appearances' - it's not that exactly, it's hard to describe. It's sort of that for the past 9 years it's been me and him - we simply go together in the minds of everyone I know. If it were a mutual feeling (which sadly I know it's not) it might be easier but at this stage I will essentially be breaking his heart and potentially ruining my close-knit group of loved ones, who will all think I've lost my mind. I don't want to base my decision on those aspects though - those aspects just make it a whole lot messier...

 

I've been struggling with career aspects of my life recently too, and kept blaming my restlessness, sadness and dissatisfaction on that, but now I realise it was never just that..

[RySant]

You really, REALLY have to think about this. But if you are sure about what you're feeling then, yes, talk to your husband ASAP. He will get hurt no matter what but at least what you will be doing is the right thing: Being honest.

 

This relationship will only work if you're both in it. Clearly, you are no longer in it, and he needs to know that. The longer you wait, the painful it will be once you say it to him.

 

And I really suggest to be 100% honest. No cover ups. You owe that to him.

[PegNosePete]

I have actually booked in to see a psychologist next week

Yes that sounds like a good idea to me. I think they will recommend you get into marriage counselling as soon as possible, and I can inclined to agree with them. This is the fairly typical "stuck in a rut" feeling that many, many people have. MC will have seen it all a million times before and will be able to help.

[M1ke12]

Yes there are high points and low points. People get wrapped up in careers, sports (my case) and get distant. Make sure its not just a pot hole.

 

Second, get counseling for both of you now. Voice of experience because 7 years in our marriage I wish I had.

 

Third, if it doesn't work, break it off. Life is too short and too precious.

 

 

What made you attracted to this guy in the first place, may be exactly whats driving you away now. Its true. The major critisim I have of my wife is exactly what I loved when we were young.

 

So what did attract you to him? Start focusing on that and see if it helps.

 

Your not a terrible person. Your a wonderful person that came here with your concerns.....because quite honestly your a perfect storm for an affair. And that would hurt him and be unfair. Don't go down that path. Figure your stuff out, make a decision. It will be better for everyone including him. If you don't resolve it I see an affair in your future.......hey how many people surprise themselves all the time with this.

 

Awesome job coming here 1st, and not diving into an affair.

 

Mike

Edited January 15, 2016 by M1ke12

[Mr. Lucky]

But the bottom line is - I am not attracted to him anymore, and more and more I find myself withdrawing from his touch, and though i haven't been enthusiastic about sex for quite some time, now I actively avoid it (in addition to avoiding things like getting dressed in front of him) and don't enjoy it.

 

I'm fairly amazed that, given the above, he hasn't approached you. He hasn't noticed or commented on your withdrawal and/or the lack of sex or enthusiasm?

 

Mr. Lucky