think I just screwed up things even more... Going crazy, please give input :(

[Donburi]

Before I cheated (consisted of his friend making a move on me, lasted less than a min) on my bf of three years, I've always had an insecurity issue. I always ALWAYS needed to be reassured of his love and what I meant to him. Drove him CRAZY, to say the least. The main reason why his friend got so close to me as he did (I'm talking about emotionally) was he would listen to me rant on about my relationship, the problems and whatnot and would use it to his advantage. He convinced me that my bf didn't love me (being as insecure as I was, didn't take that much, unfortunately) and became the "knight in shining armor" so to speak.

 

It's been about a month since he found out and broke up with me. Talked throughly about the problem, then went into LC for a good while (he usually initiates the conversations). During the times we did talk though, I told him I learned my lesson on believing what people had to say without thinking it through and talking about it with him first. He seemed to believe me. Its strange, he hates his friend with a passion now. He says his friend was just using me and trying to get some. ( he was really good friends with his guy, best friends, but now hates his guts. Why does he still talk to ME? He says with what I did he shouldn't be ever associating with me again but he still is. Why would he tell me that? Always puzzled me...anyways!)

 

Where we stand as a couple, I honestly have no clue. He can't give me an answer, good or bad so it seems the future of US is 50/50.

 

Anyways...I guess the dumbest thing that I'm doing right now is still maintaining contact with the "friend." He calls often and everynow and then I answer, mostly because I'm curious of the group status (he called me one time to tell me that our group of friends were starting more rumors about us). We don't have chit chat convo's or anything like that. I know, I KNOW I shouldn't have anything to do with this guy. But part of me feels like he really did care for me, that he wasn't just using me...just went about it a really messed up way. Though he's told me some really hurtful things, I've seen his sensitive side too. We were really good friends before all this went down. All my other "friends" hate me now for what I did so I wonder if I only talk to this guy because I'm lonely or something. I really don't know. The BF knows I've talked to him once or twice after the situation, and didn't really have to say anything about it. Was it good that I told him?

 

Anyways, to the point of this ridiculous post...Very awkward situation happened yesterday. A mutual friend of theirs (my bf and his friend) had a wedding and they both went. I heard both sides of their stories, overall just an uncomfortable situation for the both of them. People were having to choose sides, etc..yadda yadda. Now, the friend called me later on telling me he had something important to say, and which of course like a fool I listened. He said that he heard from another mutual friend that my ex had left the wedding early, and because he did was so he could go ask out a girl...that nearly destroyed me, but I had a hard time believing it. My ex and I had discussed the possibility of him dating others and he made it clear that he had NO interest what so ever to do something like that right now.

 

But, I'm an idiot. So I called him to ask if it was true.

 

We hadn't talked in a while because I was advised to be sometimes unaccessible to him during our LC (what is the deal with that anyways? Why would not being available make them want you???) so when he answered my call he sounded surprised and dare I say, happy. But when I brought it up his voice turned kind of cold...he denied it right away and asked where I heard it from...I told him the truth. He didn't get super upset, but he said I should have known better not to listen to the friend. He then got off the phone, saying he had to work tomorrow morning but he would talk to me before he left on his trip (he's going to Japan for three weeks.)

 

The instant the question came out of my mouth I regretted it. Me asking if something like that was true, something I heard from the guy who was part of this whole mess, shows that I haven't learned my lesson at all! I mean, I think I learned a little bit, because before the old me would have completely freaked out and called the shows Cheaters 'n stuff...but this time I did get upset, but I thought, no, it can't be true, because of this and that, etc...but I still had to hear it from my ex's mouth to feel better about it.

 

I'm scared to talk to my ex now because I can't control the way I feel. I'm scared that if I'm in contact with him I'll find another way to screw things up more...but I do want to talk to him before he leaves...

 

With the way we ended our phone convo last night tells me he isn't pissed or anything. But I'm sure he is thinking how I talked his ears off about changing my ways and stuff is all BS. I know I still have alot of learning to do but I do feel like I've improved a little...Like I said, the old me would've been like "Why are you cheating on me??? Why don't you love me?!" but this time I calmly asked "I know this is probably not true at all, and I'm sorry to have to ask you this but its killing me inside...I heard from so and so that you went out and pursued a girl last night..."So, as little as it is, I did change.

 

Do you think I should just leave him be for now? I haven't been contacting him much AT ALL, another drastic change from old me. I used to be one of "its been five min why didn't you call me back!??! " kinda girls. Now sometimes I don't answer his messages online or his phone calls, as hard as it is.

 

It sucks because even if he was seeing another girl I have no right to do anything about it...I know he loves me alot, we were going to move to Japan together next year. Everyone's told me that I was the best gf he's ever had. He is the biggest video gamer ever, and all his other ex's apparently hated him for it and was mean about it. He used to tell me he's met alot of girls but he says I'm the most beautiful, funniest, niciest girl he's ever met, and to top it all off I play video games too. As insecure as I am, I'm pretty sure he meant it. He would say I'm his dream girl, a cute half japanese girl who plays games And he was my dream guy, too...

 

Is it possible for a guy to still be in love with a girl who hurt him badly... and do something like go date another girl? Would it be because you're lonely and hurt or to see what else is out there? It hurts me that if he was dating others that he wasn't able to tell me it was over permanently but I suppose with what I did to him I deserve any kind of pain...

[sanne]

your going to have to accept that there is a high possibility this relationship is over. you cheated on him, you will never be the same person in his eyes ever again. you may realize that you made a mistake now, but it could already be too late. you are no doubt paying for the mistake you made, and he has absolutely no reason to ever go back to you. if he's happy, leave him alone, let him go on with his own life. if you ask me, unless you both put in serious effort this relationship will never get off the ground again.

[BrotherAaron]

Well, you sound sooo much like my ex that, for a minute there, I thought you might be her.

 

I now live 300 miles away from here, and it's not far enough. I do not want to be near her, and what pushed me away so much is the fact that she wouldn't stop talking to the guy, supposedly my friend, who she kissed. I'm sorry - he did use you. Worse, he used your ex-boyfriend. Don't be naive. Guys know what they're doing. He knew what he was doing when he kissed you. He knew he was going to before he did. He dreamed of it. And he still let your ex believe they were friends.

 

What pushed me so far away that I won't give her the time of day is that she wouldn't stop talking to him. That's why I wouldn't be her friends with benefits. Then I wouldn't be her friend. Then I wouldn't talk to her on the phone. Or wave to her when I saw her. I hated her. Then I stopped caring. Now, if she calls, I roll my eyes and send it to voicemail. She started begging me for a second chance via voicemail... but I just didn't feel like calling her back. I hear she's devastated, from one of her friends. I told her friend "That's nice, but really... don't feel like you have to update. I don't really care"

 

If you care about this guy at all, you will have to admit how stupid you were for cheating. You will have to STOP TALKING TO THIS "FRIEND". You'll have to agree with him that this guy is a scumbag, and maybe even contribute to why you think he is.

 

If he's a glutton for pain, he might take you back - but you gotta do something here to show that you sincerely understand how absolutely ****ty what you've done is. You've got to completely kiss his ass.

 

On the other hand, if you're relationship was no good, and you were miserable enough to complain to this guy and fall for him. Maybe there's nothing worth going back to.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by BrotherAaron

Well, you sound sooo much like my ex that, for a minute there, I thought you might be her.

 

I now live 300 miles away from here, and it's not far enough. I do not want to be near her, and what pushed me away so much is the fact that she wouldn't stop talking to the guy, supposedly my friend, who she kissed. I'm sorry - he did use you. Worse, he used your ex-boyfriend. Don't be naive. Guys know what they're doing. He knew what he was doing when he kissed you. He knew he was going to before he did. He dreamed of it. And he still let your ex believe they were friends.

 

What pushed me so far away that I won't give her the time of day is that she wouldn't stop talking to him. That's why I wouldn't be her friends with benefits. Then I wouldn't be her friend. Then I wouldn't talk to her on the phone. Or wave to her when I saw her. I hated her. Then I stopped caring. Now, if she calls, I roll my eyes and send it to voicemail. She started begging me for a second chance via voicemail... but I just didn't feel like calling her back. I hear she's devastated, from one of her friends. I told her friend "That's nice, but really... don't feel like you have to update. I don't really care"

 

If you care about this guy at all, you will have to admit how stupid you were for cheating. You will have to STOP TALKING TO THIS "FRIEND". You'll have to agree with him that this guy is a scumbag, and maybe even contribute to why you think he is.

 

If he's a glutton for pain, he might take you back - but you gotta do something here to show that you sincerely understand how absolutely ****ty what you've done is. You've got to completely kiss his ass.

 

On the other hand, if you're relationship was no good, and you were miserable enough to complain to this guy and fall for him. Maybe there's nothing worth going back to.

 

 

I care about my boyfriend very much, I love him. I know I have to stop talking to this "friend" because he potentially helped ruin my future with my bf...Its just going to be hard...part of me hates him very much, but since we were practically best friends before all this, its going to be like cutting off a bad habit. My bf goes on rants about how much he hates his guts, and I want to join in sometimes, but doing so I'd feel like I'd be putting ALL the blame on him and trying to take the easy way out. I want to take responsibilty for all this, as much as I'd like to I'm not gonna try to cover my ass.

 

I don't think I ever "fell" for him, but I did become addicted in a way because he would make me feel better about myself ( I know now that the only people who should make me feel better about myself is someone I love and trust and myself)

I did talk to him alot about my problems with my relationship though, I'm guessing because he was a good listener (with certain intentions) and he was the only friend I had outside of my bf. But I was very happy with my bf.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your story...did you love her? Would you have acted and felt different about her if she dropped all contact with that guy?

I told my bf that I didn't want to be friends with this guy anymore, and the reason

why I've talked to him those few times was just to hear how other people were doing (dumb reasons, I know) and he seemed to be understanding about it. I really don't have any intentions of keeping contact with this guy, though...I guess its also frustrating that my bf doesn't express anything towards me, except his hatred for the guy...but I guess that should have been enough for me to know not to have talked to him those few times...

 

I won't talk to this guy anymore, not just for my bf, but for myself. I know all he did was cause pain. I have kissed ass like you wouldn't believe, but from my other posts many people advised to lay low and keep it cool. I know for a fact my bf knows I feel like s***, and how determined I am to work at this and make it up to him.

 

Since you were in a similar situation, what do you suggest I should do?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, btw, I really appreciate it.

[em88]

do u still want him back?

[suegail]

Some people have a great need to have their personal life remain personal. Your ex boyfriend may be one of those people which would explain much of his hostility toward your friend who now has a huge amount of personal info courtesy of you. To top it off it sounds as if you were nearly seduced by the other guy and it seems pretty obvious you have some feelings for him.

 

It seems as if your ex boyfriend is playing it safe at this time. You're trying to squeeze him for information which I doubt he's going to offer any of for a very long time, if ever. It could be a good sign he's staying in touch, or it could be that he's satisfying his curiosity. Whichever it is, he is keeping you for the most part out of his life. I guess it's going to be a waiting game on your part which if i were you I would do without pressing him. Just give him some time to decide.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by em88

do u still want him back?

 

more than anything.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by suegail

Some people have a great need to have their personal life remain personal. Your ex boyfriend may be one of those people which would explain much of his hostility toward your friend who now has a huge amount of personal info courtesy of you. To top it off it sounds as if you were nearly seduced by the other guy and it seems pretty obvious you have some feelings for him.

 

It seems as if your ex boyfriend is playing it safe at this time. You're trying to squeeze him for information which I doubt he's going to offer any of for a very long time, if ever. It could be a good sign he's staying in touch, or it could be that he's satisfying his curiosity. Whichever it is, he is keeping you for the most part out of his life. I guess it's going to be a waiting game on your part which if i were you I would do without pressing him. Just give him some time to decide.

 

 

Thank you. I've been trying my hardest to leave him be. I wonder though, how long does it take for someone to decide if they want to be with someone or not? Do most people actually know what they are going to do and just use the "break" or time to think of a way to break up with their SO? Or do some people truly not know what they want for a long time? I know everyone works different, and I have not been in a situation like this before but I feel like I would know what I want in a small amount of time. Who knows, though.

 

He says we can try to work something out after his trip...if he doesn't initiate anything when he comes back though, should I? How long do you think I should wait before bringing it up??

[suegail]

It's a good question which I don't really know how to answer. You're right, each person is different, but I think what makes it hard for you is the fact that's he's being silent on the subject, not actually letting you know what he's thinking, though at the same time he's holding out hope to you. You're in the awkward position of having not much leverage. He's got the cards. Everything entirely depends upon what he decides about what your future with him will or won't be.

 

I guess I would simply say, "You know how sorry I am about what has happened and you know how I feel about you. I leave it to you to decide." Otherwise I would go on with my life, have your friends, get out and have fun, keep yourself busy. Try to not ask him again if you can do that, don't ask 'when?' or 'what do you think?' When he writes you, when he calls, don't bring it up, talk about other things and let him be the one to bring it up. That will get him wondering. That will get him thinking, and hopefully will eventually get him to respond. Hopefully he'll focus on everything that was good about your relationship and he'll be ready to try again. I hope it works out that way for you.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Donburi

Is it possible for a guy to still be in love with a girl who hurt him badly...

 

Absolutely. But it doesn't mean he will take her back.

 

and do something like go date another girl?

 

Yes but that is no guarantee it will work out.

 

Would it be because you're lonely and hurt or to see what else is out there?

 

A little from column a, a little from column b... etc....

 

It hurts me that if he was dating others that he wasn't able to tell me it was over permanently but I suppose with what I did to him I deserve any kind of pain...

 

You didn't cheat on him, his friend made a move on you. From what I can see, it's not that bad. Kiss and makeup, geez. I wish that's all my ex did to me. That's easily forgivable -- as long as the line of respect is never crossed again.