Married folks-describe your relationship with your best friend of the opposite gender

[MightyPen]

I know this could have went in the Friends section to, but I thought this was the right place because I'm specifically addressing married people.

 

Many of you know my story so I won't rehash it, but I'm still pondering the nature of male-female friendships when one or both of the friends are married. To make this easier, I'll use the term "friend" but it obviously refers to "best opposite gender friend who is not your spouse or a family member."

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

Edited January 15, 2016 by MightyPen

[Ms. Faust]

Well, first and foremost, my husband is my best friend, and obviously my best male friend. Next to him, all of his closest male friends are also my closest male friends, including his brother. But I do have one friend, who is an online friend, who is almost exclusively mine. My husband is aware of this friendship, and in fact has spoken with this friend, has him on skype, mumble, and instant message, and I believe they have each other's phone numbers. To answer your questions:

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? Our communication goes up and down, but right now it is very high. We are communicating several times a day, via text. This is mainly because he has been writing, and was wanting help in regards to edits and proof reading. So right now those are our conversations, other than the mundane about kids, home life, etc. We have discussed finances and our relationship with our spouses, including their quirks. We DO NOT talk about anything romantic or sexual.

 

He did draw a sexual position once while we were in skype and sent it to me. We were talking about the best positions to use to get pregnant. My husband and one other person was in the skype conversation, and we were all laughing about it so it is not something I consider intimate between us.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? Our communication is through phone, text, email, skype, facebook, mumble, and vent. Basically all avenues of communication. Our spouses are very much aware. I have his wife on facebook, even though she and I have never said one word to each other. My husband has full access to our conversations and texts. Sometimes he joins us, but he never really says much.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Just about finances.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? No, lol, definitely not. Although I do know he has gotten some naked pics from his other online female friends, but I see him as nothing more than a friend.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? No, not really, other than he doesn't understand me when it comes to female issues.

 

FWIW we have been friends for going on 4 years. Hope that helps.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[MightyPen]

I appreciate that honest response and I assume by "female issues" you mean Downton Abbey and such? Haha

 

 

I'm glad you have such a solid friendship with this dude.

[carhill]

I'll share how things went when I was married....

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

 

Usually 3-4 times a month and most of the topics were family or old stuff and tag sales, with a smattering of gardening thrown in.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

 

More in person than anything else but also on the phone. Texting wasn't as popular back then but now she and I do text once in awhile. Sure, both our spouses knew.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

 

Pretty much the same IME, at least on my side. IDK about her. I met a lot of her female friends over the decades and things seemed pretty consistent.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

 

Only during her manic periods did she get a bit randy but I understood and paid it no mind. The vast majority of the time everything was equally respectful.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

 

Other than the normal male/female dynamics I don't see any significant differences. My female friends tend to like kissing more than the male ones do

 

She calls me her second husband and that makes her husband smile. We've all known each other about 25 years now and he's like a brother and was quite close to my exW and her relationship with he and she continued after we got D'd. I think exW did her hair for a few years after.

 

In my life, this stuff has been unremarkable. Sure, hormones pop up occasionally but are processed, for me anyway, as transitory things and not relevant to the friendship. TBH, if push came to shove I don't know that I could feel sexual about them totally, like a man is supposed to feel about a woman. I've certainly had plenty of opportunity over the decades with numerous female friends. It's either there or not. Timing probably has something to do with it.

[TX-SC]

She's beautiful, she's awesome, she's sexy. We talk about everything.

 

She's my wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's beautiful, she's awesome, she's sexy. We talk about everything.

 

She's my wife.

 

Nice! Had the same thought ...

 

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

 

1). She's a friend and occasional mixed doubles partner, we speak once a week on court or in passing.

 

2). Phone/text or in person, of course my spouse is aware.

 

3). Of course not.

 

4). Of course not.

 

5). Yes. I'm careful to keep an appropriate boundary, we don't discuss personal or private issues.

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden2]

He's an accomplished artist, with a penchant for Rembrandt.

 

He made his own clothes: A beret (very much like Rembrandt's, in his self-portrait as an elderly man).

 

From scratch, he made himself a Hussar Cavalry Officer's jacket, complete with tasseled cord and front braiding, brass buttons and thickly embroidered collar.

 

He's a Lutenist. Made his own Lute too, and runs classes teaching how to make them.

I've known him since I was 12.

 

We lost touch for about 25 years but established contact again fairly recently on - yes, you guessed - Fb.

 

To my surprise, he ordained as a Zen Buddhist Priest.

[central]

To make this easier, I'll use the term "friend" but it obviously refers to "best opposite gender friend who is not your spouse or a family member."

 

I'm going to answer this twice, because I have two very distinct kinds of opposite sex friends. I am in an open relationship, and have some female friends who always have been and always will be platonic, and some others that are sexual and may (or have) transitioned back and forth to platonic. I'll start with the non-platonic.

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? It varies a lot, depending on the stage of the relationship and the current nature. It can range from almost daily in active phases, to every week or so in less active stages. We discuss anything from philosophy to science to work to best sex positions to try.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? Different women, different media. Certainly in person, or email, or text, or facebook. Not much on the phone. Yes, my spouse is fully aware, and is informed or curious to whatever extent she wishes, which varies. Some she knows well and has befriended - some she knows of and is indifferent.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Yes. And any sexual experiences are only for us to know.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? Obviously yes, in this scenario. We pursued it while it lasted, but eventually they all moved on to other relationships, and I've stayed happily in my primary relationship. A couple of them were moving into polyamory territory. In all cases, we have continued to be friends, just without the sexual component.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? Yes. I don't get romantically or sexually involved with my same-gender friends, and don't usually discuss intimate relationship issues with these friends.

 

 

Platonic friendships:

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? Weekly to monthly, usually. Almost anything is a topic of discussion, but usually not intimate stuff.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? Any of those methods. Yes, and often my wife will get on the line (if by phone) as in most cases these are now her friends as well.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Few, if any, unless there is a need to ask for advice about our partner. This is rare, though, and no different than with same-gender friends.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? Usually not - most have always been purely platonic (started that way and stayed that way). A few were previously lovers or girlfriends, but are now purely platonic and usually in relationships themselves now. They've all turned out well, because we've been able to handle the transition - I've never lost a friendship because of this.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? Not really. I treat them like any friend, and vice versa.

[redtail]

As others have mentioned, for me my wife is my best friend and most if not all of our friends know that.

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

My closest female friend is one I volunteer with at a wildlife animal rehab hospital. She and I have known each other for years and we talk about anything, no subject is off limits. My wife also volunteers there, so nothing is kept secret from my wife.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

In person, texts and occasionally on the phone. And yes, my wife is aware, I share all communications, and most of the time my friend contacts me to communicate with the both of us because I always answer my phone and my wife, not so much.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

Yes, we've talked about some pretty intimate subjects, she's not married, divorced and when she dates she's very open about it with me. But she also knows that I will discuss what we talk about with my wife, and she's okay with that.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

No, never, it's never been even hinted or implied.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

Yes, because women are easier to talk to.

[road]

I have one opposite sex friend. my boss, aka the wife.

 

 

After your spouse there are no need for additional op sex friends.

Edited January 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden2]

who's talking about 'need'...?

 

Sometimes it just happens because you 'like'...

[MightyPen]

 

 

I have one opposite sex friend. my boss, aka the wife.

 

 

After your spouse there are no need for additional op sex friends.

 

 

 

 

You realize you're writing off half of the human race. That's painting with quite a broad brush.

 

 

(writing and painting - I'm feeling artsy today)

Edited January 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xxoo]

My male friends are equally friends with my H. If my H isn't integrated, the friendship never takes off.

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

 

Depending of what is going on in lives, could be daily or every couple months. Topics could be anything, even very personal. They know that anything and everything will likely be repeated to my H.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

 

All of these. He is aware, although I don't feel compelled to disclose each communication. Generally, he hears about them as part of rehashing our day.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

 

No, not for either gender. Don't tell me something if you expect me to keep it secret from my husband. I blab everything to him.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

 

Of course not.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

 

Well, sure, with a man I'm going to be mindful about anything that could be construed as dating. I don't have to worry about that with straight female friends (or gay male friends, for that matter). So, as said first, my H is fully integrated or it never takes off. That isn't as important to me with female friends.

[Bittersweetie]

You realize you're writing off half of the human race. That's painting with quite a broad brush.

 

 

(writing and painting - I'm feeling artsy today)

 

Yes, but for some people, past choices make opposite-gender best friends are not really an option.

 

I doubt my H would be happy with any male best friend in my life after what I did years ago. However, I have no desire to look or cultivate a male best friend...my H is my male best friend. Maybe then I am writing off half the people I meet...well I'm fine with that. My marriage takes precedence over any potential male friends. Plus I know from experience how sometimes those "friendships" can turn and I want no part of that. Maybe that makes me "unfriendly" in the eyes of some...I don't care.

 

And also, I do have male friends...my H's friends and relatives...friends of our marriage.

[CarrieT]

I've answered part of this before, so now I will elaborate...

 

Philip - I was 15 and he was 16 and was quite probably the first guy I went the furthest with at that age. This was 35 years ago and while we don't see each other often, we are still there for each other through the ups and downs of our lives. We are now in conversation to collaborate on a book together. (We are both published authors already).

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? About once a month.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? FB Messenger and telephone. And, yes, my spouse is aware of *most* of our communications. Not everytime we communicate, thought.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Yes. He confides in me regarding his personal problems.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? We were intimate 30+ years ago and he has expressed sorrow that it didn't work out.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? Of course it is. We have an intimate sexual history that I haven't had with same-gender friends.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Lance - He was the first guy I met when I had to change schools at the age of 11 (forty years ago!). We grew up together and even when he moved to a different country, we stayed in contact. He has hit on me every ten years and his advances have never been reciprocated. However, when I got married two years ago, Lance was the one who flew overseas to walk me down the aisle.

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? Twice a month or so; we discuss our personal lives and families.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? He lives in Britain, so it is via email or messenger. My husband is aware when I hear from Lance.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Yes.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? Lance hit on me once and we were able to move on because our friendship is more important than sex.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? All of my friendships are different for a variety of reasons. He knows my history and stood by me when no one else did.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ralph - He and I have known each other for almost 20 years. We talk on the phone every Sunday night and have shared many intimate feelings and secrets. When I ended an 11-year relationship (which I have written to you about), Ralph was the one who flew to help my soon-to-be-Ex drive his truck of stuff to the state where Ralph lives.

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? About once a month. We talk about cinema, the theater, our reading materials, and the occult.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? We communicate via telephone and, yes, my husband is aware of these phone calls (he is usually in the other room).

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Yes.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? Yes, Ralph tried to kiss me once when I was crashing at his apartment during a road trip. We discussed the fact that I cherished our friendship and didn't want to ruin it. That was about a decade ago and we are still good friends.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? He is my closest occult friend.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tom - He was the best friend of my last AlcoholicEx (who was the guy who brought me to this site in 2008). Tom was there when my AlcoholicEx would go off on a bender. If I needed a place to escape to, I could knock on Tom's apartment at 3:00 a.m. He would make me tea, turn on Star Trek, and comfort me. He was the little brother I never had (ten years younger).

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss? About once a month; we talk about our life in general and the changes that have occurred since we lived near each other.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications? FB Messenger. My husband is aware because I usually apprise him of changes in Tom's life.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends? Yes.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on? Nope. Tom is the little brother I never had so there was nothing there that was ever sexual.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how? As before, all of my friendships are quite different from each other fill parts of my life like none other.

[ShatteredLady]

My best friend is male. We knew eachother for a few years before I met my H at 21 years old & by coincidence he'd met my H before through work. They became friends fast. At times my friend lived with us. We call eachother 'bro' & 'sis'.

 

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

 

It ebbs & flows. Sometimes we chat a few times a week. Never less than a couple of times a month. We discuss everything & anything. Life, technology, politics, religion, past, future, experiences, feelings etc he's my friend.

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

 

My H knows. Mostly email. He travels out too the USA to stay with my family 2-3 times a year.

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

 

I always shared EVERYTHING with my H. I've never had same-gender friendship secrets. I joke with girl-friends that somethings a "Don't tell anyone" secret..i.e. It stays between us AND our husbands!

 

Since my H's affairs I have 'private' conversations with my friend. MY H can read our emails if he wants & probably does. I haven't confided in anyone else. I know my friend can hear it all & still remain a friend of our marriage.

 

My H's first affair (12 years ago) I didn't tell anyone. It was my H who called my friend to tell him that I needed him!

 

I told my girl-friend after the recent d-day but her response was "Throw him out!". She has very strong views of infidelity & sees how I've changed as a person experiencing this. She will NEVER forgive my H. Sadly this has damaged our friendship.

 

I can't tell my parents. I'd be completely alone without my friend.

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

 

We discussed how we viewed eachother when we first met. He fancied me, I didn't notice him! Ugh! It was a laugh by the time we talked about it.

The idea of being romantic is funny, sexual is gross!!! He's family! We express our love for eachother in the same way I do with my Dad.

We've discussed loyalty & the true meaning of love a lot lately but our love is platonic, family.

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

 

No different from same gender friends. He's my oldest friend so he KNOWS me, he's lived through most of my life with me. He's my very best friend & has been for about 30 years.

 

I used to call my husband my best friend but that would be a joke now after the lies, betrays & abuse that I've endured.

 

I have kept some secrets from my friend only because I don't think he could forgive my H for some of the extreme abusive things in the past.

 

Before my H's affair we were more like 3 friends but it's always been clear that he's my friend first. He's VERY protective of me. He still loves my H but he's VERY angry & distanced from him because of the pain he's inflicted on me.

 

He always, correctly, assumed that me & my H have no secrets so we would all sit & chat about anything.

 

He is a COMMITTED friend of my marriage & family. My children call him 'Uncle'. He would (of course) support me if I chose to divorce but he would fight to keep my kids family intact because he knows how I love my H & value family.

 

He's just my best friend. I've never had a closer female friend so I don't know if that would be any different.

[Woggle]

My best platonic female friend is a lesbian who I can talk to about almost anything and it doesn't hate it when I am happy like a lot of my male friends.

[ShatteredLady]

OP - If a relationship starts out with sexual interest (like yours) I'm not sure you can even call it a REAL friendship because by its very nature you're trying to woo & impress eachother.

 

You're talking about trying to keep hold of an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR under the guise of friendship. Could you talk to your 'friend' about your deep love for your wife? No! You put your wife down & focus on her faults to put your MISTRESS on a pedestal.

 

My H CAN'T ever be 'friends' with his affair partner. I've read their correspondence & it's based on lies & flirtation AND criticizing me. I'm his wife. She is an ENEMY of our marriage. Their 'friendship' is the cause of my agony.

 

A true friend has your best interests at heart. If she was your friend she would never talk to you again because she would want your family & marriage to be strong NOT undermined.

[carhill]

I wish I knew more lesbians. My exW had a lesbian coworker and she was wonderful, even helping me around the yard at my mom's house when I was caring for her. Great lady. Every time I spray termites I think of her (she donated some very rare chemicals) . She and I had gardening in common. She loved to garden; so did my mom, even when demented.

[ShatteredLady]

I used to have some gay friends. I really miss them. It's a very different dynamic than same gender & straight friends. Fun! We used to have some great times together....& really interesting conversations.

[MuddyFootprints]

My world is pretty small and my husband has to pick up a lot of the friendship slack. I feel sorry for him sometimes, but he's a good sport.

 

He's my best friend...regardless of his gender.

 

Though he probably doesn't appreciate it as much as I do.

 

[Anderlie]

1) How often do you communicate with your friend and what topics do you generally discuss?

 

2) How do you communicate? Phone? In person? Texts? Social media? Is your spouse aware of all of these communications?

 

3) Do you have personal talks with your friend that you both keep private as you might with same-gender friends?

 

4) Have you or your friend ever expressed sexual/romantic interest in the other? If so, how did that turn out? Did it ruin the friendship or were you able to move on?

 

5) Is this friendship different than your same-gender friendships? If so, how?

 

1. Varies but all of my guy friends and I talk about anything any other friends would talk about, they aren't a different species.

 

2. Social media and messaging now as I've moved interstate. Spouse knows as I often say I've talked to them in passing. Not every time though because it would be pretty boring for my husband if he got a recap of every convo. I do tell him relevant things like when one was in town and we were going to lunch.

 

3. We might talk about personal things but only on their end, I don't bring up things within my marriage with anyone except maybe my mum. If it is a personal discussion on their end I might not tell my husband as my friend trusts my discretion. Sometimes I do but rarely.

 

4. Two of my male friends became friends after they had a crush on me and I turned them down. I said I would like to stay friends and they accepted that, now they say I'm like a sister. Nothing physical has ever happened and they have never tried anything at all.

 

5. To me the friendship is no different and I cherish the fact that my husband gives me enough credit to responsibly manage my friendships regardless of gender. All my friends are a huge part of my life and I could never be with someone who asked me to give them away because of their ridiculous insecurities. It's actually a real turn on for me that he acknowledges my independence and also realises he has everything I need in a romantic partner so has nothing to worry about.

[TX-SC]

For the women who had guys with crushes on them, then you became just friends, or "like a sister" to them... Do you really believe they lost all attraction to you when you told them no? I'm not sure I buy that they just lost all attraction. If you and your husband divorced, do you think they would ask you out?

[Anderlie]

For the women who had guys with crushes on them, then you became just friends, or "like a sister" to them... Do you really believe they lost all attraction to you when you told them no? I'm not sure I buy that they just lost all attraction. If you and your husband divorced, do you think they would ask you out?

 

No because they had years in between then and me meeting my husband to do so and they didn't. Plus I would not stay friends with someone who gave me hints that they might threaten my marriage. They could ask all they want and I would say no and show them the door. I do have agency after all.

[CarrieT]

For the women who had guys with crushes on them, then you became just friends, or "like a sister" to them... Do you really believe they lost all attraction to you when you told them no? I'm not sure I buy that they just lost all attraction. If you and your husband divorced, do you think they would ask you out?

 

I will cite my friend, Ralph. I know he has been attracted to me but that has been irrelevant. He knows it. He has known me through four different relationships and hit on me in between one of them.

 

Still didn't change things and - now, years later - is glad we didn't act upon it as it would have changed the dynamic of our friendship which he cherishes more than a potential failed sexual relationship.