Married folks-describe your relationship with your best friend of the opposite gender

[xxoo]

For the women who had guys with crushes on them, then you became just friends, or "like a sister" to them... Do you really believe they lost all attraction to you when you told them no? I'm not sure I buy that they just lost all attraction. If you and your husband divorced, do you think they would ask you out?

 

As long as boundaries are strong....does it matter?

[TX-SC]

As long as boundaries are strong....does it matter?

 

No, not really. It was just a thought/question relavent to the discussion. I don't see attraction as something that people can really change. If I'm attracted to you, then I likely will remain so. It just kind of seems that some here think that once you say no to dating, lets just be friends, that the attraction is no longer there and the guy forgets he was attracted to her.

 

But yes, I agree that it's all about boundaries and not acting on the attraction. I'm certainly not saying they can't be great friends. I'm just saying that it's kind of naive to assume they just lost the attraction at the word "no."

[Anderlie]

After long enough of course attraction can fade, especially when there's been no encouragement in that direction within the relationship. I no longer have a crush on anyone from New Kids on the Block, especially since they never answered my fan mail lol.

[road]

1. Varies but all of my guy friends and I talk about anything any other friends would talk about, they aren't a different species.

 

2. Social media and messaging now as I've moved interstate. Spouse knows as I often say I've talked to them in passing. Not every time though because it would be pretty boring for my husband if he got a recap of every convo. I do tell him relevant things like when one was in town and we were going to lunch.

 

3. We might talk about personal things but only on their end, I don't bring up things within my marriage with anyone except maybe my mum. If it is a personal discussion on their end I might not tell my husband as my friend trusts my discretion. Sometimes I do but rarely.

 

4. Two of my male friends became friends after they had a crush on me and I turned them down. I said I would like to stay friends and they accepted that, now they say I'm like a sister. Nothing physical has ever happened and they have never tried anything at all.

 

5. To me the friendship is no different and I cherish the fact that my husband gives me enough credit to responsibly manage my friendships regardless of gender. All my friends are a huge part of my life and I could never be with someone who asked me to give them away because of their ridiculous insecurities. It's actually a real turn on for me that he acknowledges my independence and also realises he has everything I need in a romantic partner so has nothing to worry about.

 

 

Sister?

 

 

What sister?

 

 

Wait till your husbands funeral.

[xxoo]

Sister?

 

 

What sister?

 

 

Wait till your husbands funeral.

 

Would there be anything wrong with friends marrying after the death of a spouse? I've seen it happen, and it's a blessing, IMO.

[carhill]

Yeah, a friend married his best friend's wife after their spouses both passed from illnesses after a number of years of caregiving on both their parts and are now, in their 80's, happily roaming the country in their RV. Life goes on. I pretty much am comfortable with, and have agreed, if my older best friend dies, to keep an eye on his wife. Yeah, sure, she's an adult but guys tend to think like that, at least those of his generation. My dad and his best friend were pretty much the same way and the friend and his wife, while alive, visited my mom regularly during the couple decades she lived as a widow.

[GoodOnPaper]

For both of us, any and all opposite-sex friends with whom we feel close enough to have personal discussions are integrated into our lives as a couple. I had to break off a three-year friendship I had cultivated with a work colleague because I was falling for her. I should have known better. With women, I can't separate friendship and attraction -- to me, they are both part of the same feelings spectrum. I know from my extensive history of getting "friendzoned" that most women seem to treat the two very separately -- seems very bizarre . . .

[xxoo]

I don't think I have had a close male straight friend and not had at least a passing thought about sex with him. I have all sorts of sexual thoughts about all sorts of people

 

It's irrelevant to me. I'm married and monogamous, period. I put my sexual energy into my marriage.

[CarrieT]

MightyPen, are you going to report back?

 

It seems you are back in the same boat that brought you here and - I'm guessing - struggling with your own boundaries on your Special Friend.

 

I take it you are still having romantic feelings towards her? Or is she expressing them towards you?

[MightyPen]

Hey Carrie,

 

Yes I asked this question for a few reasons - to help me consider my own situation, but also as just an interesting question that I thought would spawn some interesting answers (and it did).

 

We are back to talking but for the past couple of month our communications have been platonic. We talk about shared interests, funny things that happen to us, our plans for the future, our views of the universe, those sorts of things. We don't sit there and type out cyber sex sessions.

 

I'm not saying that my romantic feelings have fled my brain, but I have managed to mostly avoid communicating those feelings. I suppose it's the "Let's just leave certain things unsaid and enjoy each other's company" approach. She did quote one of my favorite songs, and it stirred up a lot of intensity on my end...heart racing and all that sort of thing, but it passed.

 

We are trying our best to "be good." We do NOT slam each other's significant others. In fact, we never have. We recently decided to talk more openly about our relationships instead of acting like they don't exist, but we've also pledged to bash neither our own SO nor the other person's SO.

 

The main problem is that we can't figure out a way to bring this above board - I think that would actually help us keep proper boundaries because the whole "secrecy" thing is one of the elements that makes it seem hot/forbidden - but there's just no way to explain the relationship to our SOs that wouldn't raise flags. Sure, maybe I could work something out where we could FB each other a few times a year but we both want a lot more frequency than that.

[CarrieT]

These are the two big issues that remain:

I'm not saying that my romantic feelings have fled my brain, but I have managed to mostly avoid communicating those feelings.

 

The main problem is that we can't figure out a way to bring this above board

 

As long as you have romantic feelings - which you admit you still have - you will never be able to bring this above board. Ever.

 

That is why - in your earlier threads - we all recommended that you discontinue the relationship. The two cannot be reconciled.

 

Those of us that have the benefit of friendships with those of the opposite sex do so because they are above board and without any hidden agendas.

 

Sounds to me like you are still trying to find loopholes for a situation which you know is wrong.

[MightyPen]

These are the two big issues that remain:

 

 

As long as you have romantic feelings - which you admit you still have - you will never be able to bring this above board. Ever.

 

 

Even if romantic feelings subsided, which they might, bringing it above board would still require some logistical juggling. I don't have any -close- female friends in real life that I speak with constantly. I have some work buddies and some FB buddies and some friends' wives that I might text with once in a while, but nothing sustained or consistent with any of them. It would be very difficult to present this to my wife "Hey I really dig this woman and I like talking with her a lot. Do I have your blessing to continue?"

 

Plus, I'd have to fabricate a whole story about where we met, how long we've been talking, what tools we used to talk, and probably even have to create a whole fake "paper trial" with fake platonic emails, etc. It would be a lot of active deception.

[TX-SC]

Even if romantic feelings subsided, which they might, bringing it above board would still require some logistical juggling. I don't have any -close- female friends in real life that I speak with constantly. I have some work buddies and some FB buddies and some friends' wives that I might text with once in a while, but nothing sustained or consistent with any of them. It would be very difficult to present this to my wife "Hey I really dig this woman and I like talking with her a lot. Do I have your blessing to continue?"

 

Plus, I'd have to fabricate a whole story about where we met, how long we've been talking, what tools we used to talk, and probably even have to create a whole fake "paper trial" with fake platonic emails, etc. It would be a lot of active deception.

 

Do you love your wife? If so, stop this going behind her back stuff. Either own up to it and face the consequences, or simply stop the friendship. It's an inappropriate friendship and you KNOW it is. Put as much effort into your wife as you are putting into figuring out how to keep this friendship going and you may just figure out that your wife can be your best friend. You are playing around with four people's lives here and two marriages. Just stop it.

[xxoo]

Even if romantic feelings subsided, which they might, bringing it above board would still require some logistical juggling. I don't have any -close- female friends in real life that I speak with constantly. I have some work buddies and some FB buddies and some friends' wives that I might text with once in a while, but nothing sustained or consistent with any of them. It would be very difficult to present this to my wife "Hey I really dig this woman and I like talking with her a lot. Do I have your blessing to continue?"

 

Plus, I'd have to fabricate a whole story about where we met, how long we've been talking, what tools we used to talk, and probably even have to create a whole fake "paper trial" with fake platonic emails, etc. It would be a lot of active deception.

 

Do you hear how crazy this sounds?

[MightyPen]

Do you hear how crazy this sounds?

 

 

Yeah I do. I know deception is wrong, and plus it would end up blowing up anyway.

 

 

I was proud that we had both behaved for months now, and my guilt levels have decreased because of that. I thought that was a step in the right direction but I still recognize there's no happy ending to any of this.

Edited January 18, 2016 by MightyPen

[brothers343]

I have a best friend for 13 years......my wife. I have male best friends for almost 20 years. We grew up together. I think sometimes female friends or vise versa can open a door thats unforgiven. I don't have many friends not becouse of any reason but becouse I value loyalty. I do have to families, My immediate family and my firefighting family. I got married young but I understood from an early age that once you make a commitment to someone you have to keep it. I have a commitment to my wife and kids....plus I have learned as I get older friends come and go....especially so called (best) friends.

[CarrieT]

I still recognize there's no happy ending to any of this.

Of course there is.

 

Stop the correspondence, go through the withdrawals of missing the rush (like any drug), invest your energies towards improving your marriage, and - several years from now - look back and realize you did the right thing for your marriage.

[Gloria25]

Of course there is.

 

Stop the correspondence, go through the withdrawals of missing the rush (like any drug), invest your energies towards improving your marriage, and - several years from now - look back and realize you did the right thing for your marriage.

 

Agreed ^^,

 

I finally gave myself the "closure" I was looking for the MM to give me and it feels so good that I finally gave up on it. At first, it stung (the withdrawals Carrie described), but I literally feel that a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

 

Each day it gets better and better

 

You can do it, JUST DO IT!!!

 

Years ago when I got out of the military, I had to stop running cuz of some feet issues. I kept on waivering when/how I was gonna start a workout routine. One day, I just signed up for a 5K and was back in the game. Sometimes it takes just jumping out of that plane instead of sitting around wondering this/that.

 

Stop all contact with that "friend" of yours and find other ways to channel all that energy. Not in co-workers, but in your wife. Take up sports, a new hobby. You'll be over her and will look back on this and be like "WTF was I thinking?"

Edited January 19, 2016 by Gloria25

[lucy_in_disguise]

I believe it is possible for men and women to be true platnic friends, even after there was sexual intimacy. It takes a strong platonic connection, honesty, good boundares, and most importantly- time.

 

One of my best friends and I emerged from such an inlikely beginning. When we met 10+ years ago at age 21, I was young, dimb, and lonely, and he was in a martiage that never should have happened. We had a strong platonic connection and emotional issues, which unfortunately led to us sleeping together one time while he was still married to his ex. She literally caught us in bed.

 

He got divorced and in those raw early months, claimed to be in love with me. I knew I did not return his interests, though I valued him as a friend. It was a rough few months while we negotiated boundaries, and I didnt think our friendship would survive. Eventually, we got some space from each other. He moved further away and we both dated other people. Months/ years later, wed both moved on and were able to reinstate oir friendship in a strictly platonic way. 10+ years later, there is no hint of sexual tension, and he remains one of my best friends.

 

There are a number of ways in which my story is not applicable to your situation, however.

Firstly, youre married. If you want to stay marred, you need to put your wife first. That means you dont engage in behaivior that would hurt her. Having a close friend in whom you are interested will hurt her, make no mistake about that.

 

Second, we were much younger. Sleeping together was something we both acknowledged was a mistake that I can attribute to inexperience and immaturity. We both regret the decision as a moral failure that hurt other people, but we both learned from it. Neither has cheated on anyone or participated as an OW/ OM again. You are not 21 though. You should know better.

 

Third- our real platonic friendship did not emerge from the ashes of his divorce unil years after. It took a lot of time for the weird feelings and regrets to wash away. If either of us had been involved in a serious relationship dyring this time, I have no doubt we never wouls have gotten there. You cant force a true friendship, but thats what youre trying to do by inventing a new role for your ex. Friendship takes time and should happen honestly and naturally.

[MightyPen]

There are a number of ways in which my story is not applicable to your situation, however.

Firstly, youre married. If you want to stay marred, you need to put your wife first. That means you dont engage in behaivior that would hurt her. Having a close friend in whom you are interested will hurt her, make no mistake about that.

 

Second, we were much younger. Sleeping together was something we both acknowledged was a mistake that I can attribute to inexperience and immaturity. We both regret the decision as a moral failure that hurt other people, but we both learned from it. Neither has cheated on anyone or participated as an OW/ OM again. You are not 21 though. You should know better.

 

Third- our real platonic friendship did not emerge from the ashes of his divorce unil years after. It took a lot of time for the weird feelings and regrets to wash away. If either of us had been involved in a serious relationship dyring this time, I have no doubt we never wouls have gotten there. You cant force a true friendship, but thats what youre trying to do by inventing a new role for your ex. Friendship takes time and should happen honestly and naturally.

 

 

I appreciate your candor, and yeah your situation was different (in ways that were helpful in reinstituting your friendship) but I'd say we have two differences that are more helpful as well:

 

1) We've never slept together - hell we've never met in the flesh. Video chat is the most we've had. Obviously much different than a physical relationship.

 

2) We have a TON of common interests, and not just surface stuff like tv shows or music, but also deep common interests in discussions of the philosophical stuff of life and the "big" questions. We're both intelligent and well educated and can discuss a really wide variety of topics. We have different knowledge bases and learn much from each other. There is a LOT of ground to plow that's not sex-related.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I appreciate your candor, and yeah your situation was different (in ways that were helpful in reinstituting your friendship) but I'd say we have two differences that are more helpful as well:

 

1) We've never slept together - hell we've never met in the flesh. Video chat is the most we've had. Obviously much different than a physical relationship.

 

2) We have a TON of common interests, and not just surface stuff like tv shows or music, but also deep common interests in discussions of the philosophical stuff of life and the "big" questions. We're both intelligent and well educated and can discuss a really wide variety of topics. We have different knowledge bases and learn much from each other. There is a LOT of ground to plow that's not sex-related.

 

The fact is though, you are risking your relationship with your wife in order to pursue a friendship with this woman. If you need to hide any details of your friendship from your wife, that's a good indication that your friendship is not appropriate.

 

If you believe it is truly platonic, you should have no problem introducing her to your wife and explaining how you've come to be friends.

 

With my friend, neither of us were committed so there were no other relationships that had to be put on the line for us to become friends. It progressed naturally (we also had common interests) without any need for deception. Had there been serious significant others who were not comfortable with the developing friendship, it would not have progressed, because I would value my relationships over a platonic acquaintance.

 

By your actions in refusing to let this woman go and also refusing to be totally open with your wife, you are indicating that the potential "friendship" is more valuable to you than your marriage. Either that, or you feel like you are entitled to do whatever you want regardless of how your wife may feel about it.

 

If its really platonic and it's the common interests that are appealing, you should have no problem finding another friend if you put in some effort. Your only other honest option is to be totally open with our wife.

[Gloria25]

I believe it is possible for men and women to be true platnic friends, even after there was sexual intimacy. It takes a strong platonic connection, honesty, good boundares, and most importantly- time.

 

One of my best friends and I emerged from such an inlikely beginning. When we met 10+ years ago at age 21, I was young, dimb, and lonely, and he was in a martiage that never should have happened. We had a strong platonic connection and emotional issues, which unfortunately led to us sleeping together one time while he was still married to his ex. She literally caught us in bed.

 

He got divorced and in those raw early months, claimed to be in love with me. I knew I did not return his interests, though I valued him as a friend. It was a rough few months while we negotiated boundaries, and I didnt think our friendship would survive. Eventually, we got some space from each other. He moved further away and we both dated other people. Months/ years later, wed both moved on and were able to reinstate oir friendship in a strictly platonic way. 10+ years later, there is no hint of sexual tension, and he remains one of my best friends.

 

There are a number of ways in which my story is not applicable to your situation, however.

Firstly, youre married. If you want to stay marred, you need to put your wife first. That means you dont engage in behaivior that would hurt her. Having a close friend in whom you are interested will hurt her, make no mistake about that.

 

Second, we were much younger. Sleeping together was something we both acknowledged was a mistake that I can attribute to inexperience and immaturity. We both regret the decision as a moral failure that hurt other people, but we both learned from it. Neither has cheated on anyone or participated as an OW/ OM again. You are not 21 though. You should know better.

 

Third- our real platonic friendship did not emerge from the ashes of his divorce unil years after. It took a lot of time for the weird feelings and regrets to wash away. If either of us had been involved in a serious relationship dyring this time, I have no doubt we never wouls have gotten there. You cant force a true friendship, but thats what youre trying to do by inventing a new role for your ex. Friendship takes time and should happen honestly and naturally.

 

Sorry, your post/experience/opinion appears to be contradictory. First you say, platonic RLs are possible, but the details of your situation show that indeed WAS sexual attraction between you two - regardless of marital and/or personal status/growth.

[Gloria25]

The fact is though, you are risking your relationship with your wife in order to pursue a friendship with this woman. If you need to hide any details of your friendship from your wife, that's a good indication that your friendship is not appropriate.

 

If you believe it is truly platonic, you should have no problem introducing her to your wife and explaining how you've come to be friends.

 

With my friend, neither of us were committed so there were no other relationships that had to be put on the line for us to become friends. It progressed naturally (we also had common interests) without any need for deception. Had there been serious significant others who were not comfortable with the developing friendship, it would not have progressed, because I would value my relationships over a platonic acquaintance.

 

By your actions in refusing to let this woman go and also refusing to be totally open with your wife, you are indicating that the potential "friendship" is more valuable to you than your marriage. Either that, or you feel like you are entitled to do whatever you want regardless of how your wife may feel about it.

 

If its really platonic and it's the common interests that are appealing, you should have no problem finding another friend if you put in some effort. Your only other honest option is to be totally open with our wife.

 

Agreed...

 

If this "friend" means nothing to you, then why can't you let her go?

 

While I am not a fan of the "tell your spouse camp", I am NOW, in this case cuz you can't let go of this woman and your wife has every right to know if her husband is putting attention, emotions, etc (especially of this level), into another woman.

 

Telling your wife may be the wake-up call you both need to either fix your marriage, yourselves, and/or find new SOs. Wife shouldn't be sitting around blind to what's going on behind her back if it's this intense.

[Bittersweetie]

Of course there is.

 

Stop the correspondence, go through the withdrawals of missing the rush (like any drug), invest your energies towards improving your marriage, and - several years from now - look back and realize you did the right thing for your marriage.

 

Exactly.

 

What I would give to be able to go back and make a different choice than the one I did.

 

You are still trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. It will never work. I know that is not what you want to hear.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Sorry, your post/experience/opinion appears to be contradictory. First you say, platonic RLs are possible, but the details of your situation show that indeed WAS sexual attraction between you two - regardless of marital and/or personal status/growth.

 

My point is that it is possible to develop a platonic relationship- even after a romantic/ sexual connection. But, the circumstances need to be right, neither party can have ulterior mptives, and it takes a lot of time. I dont think the circumstances could ever br right if someone is married (and intends to stay married).

 

My relationship wih my friend did have a secual component- to an extent - 10 years ago. Although, i believe the reason for our sexual encounter had less to do with attraction and more to do with desperation. He was looking for a way out of his marriage (turns out getting married at 19 was a mistake) and I had my own issues.

 

In the 10 years since this encounter, circumstances have played out such that we were able to develop a platonic friendship. We are both in happy relationships with other people from whom we do not hide the friendship and there has not been anyyhing romantic between us for 10 years. Our relationship consists of getting a drink (usually with our so's) once a month to talk about work/ life.