Living Together

[Montsan]

When I was in my early twenties I stopped into a bar late one night in San Francisco and found that I was the only one in there with a hot bartender. We had a fun conversation and when it was time to close, she asked me if I wanted to have breakfast with her. We went to her place, and after a night of wild sex, we had breakfast.

 

 

After about the fourth night of wild sex, she asked me to move in with her.

 

 

Why, hell yeah!

 

 

We eventually settled into a home life living as husband and wife. At first I thought it was great, but after awhile I began to realize that "it" just wasn't there. And then she began talking marriage. After awhile I started feeling as though I was being suffocated. Eventually I had to tell her that this just wasn't going to work out and that I had to leave. It was a very bad scene.

 

 

When I moved out and got my own place, I felt just rotten for what I had done to her. But then again, I felt a great sense of relief and freedom. I also felt that I had voided valuable months of my own life and I swore it would never happen again.

 

 

Years later, when my daughter was going off on her own, I said to her, don't ever just live with someone. I said that it's a temporary situation and that the only way you can live temporarily is temporarily. There's no such thing as trying it out. I told her that if a man really loves you, he will want to marry you.

 

 

Some years later my then married daughter reminded me of that conversation and told me that that was the best piece of advice I had ever given her.

[Montsan]

BTW, that particular girl went on to become notorious in the adult entertainment industry. So, I guess it's a good thing I didn't hold her back.

 

 

She'd be 70 now! Unbelievable! I wonder if she's even still alive. You young people might think that when someone gets old, their memories fade. But it's not true. It's like in your mind you'll always be 27 and you can remember events from 40 and 50 years ago like it was yesterday.

[sandylee1]

I agree with your advice of never just living with someone. I'll be telling my daughters the same when they get older. If they're sharing a house as roommates that's fine...but not with a guy..no way.

 

I believe when you're single... you live as a single person and you are free to do as you wish. I have a colleague who's lived with her BF for 10 years now.. I wouldn't want to be playing wife. ..when I'm just a GF.

 

If a man loves you enough... he'll marry you.

[Httm]

There seems to be some illusion created that marriage will make living together work out for sure. There is a thread right here on the first page disproving this theory. Always try out for compatibility first.

[ShatteredLady]

I've thought about what advise I'd give my kids on this subject. Honestly I think living together can be an important experience.

 

I've known women say things like "He's such a slob! I had no idea!", "He plays computer games half the night!". I know pretty much everything can be worked on but wouldn't it be nice to know before the big commitment?

 

I've never been one of those people who believes in crap like, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" or similar offensive twaddle. I would never of been with a man like that & was financially & emotionally self-sufficient.

 

 

I lived with my H for 6 years before we got married. Given our ages it was a good idea. I wasn't even thinking about getting married....way too young! We had great times that we would of missed-out on otherwise. Ours was 'The party house' & my cousin & best friend stayed over half the time so it was never 'Living as husband & wife', just fun!

 

Sharing my house made sense because he stayed over every single night & it gave us a lot more spending play money!

 

I think that my views on things like this are very shaped by the facts I met my H young. I never had a 'bad' boyfriend. Great Dad, Grandfather & brother that I was very, very close with....

[Michart]

I wish someone would have given me that same advise you had given your daughter. It's important to experiment in dating and test the waters before settling down. I know a lot of women being strung along in hopes that their live in partners will one day see them as good enough and take the next step. Unfortunately, I also saw a lot of them waste years of their life only to end up in their mid-30's never married and resentful. It's hard to see a situation when you are up close in already in it until it's too late. Thanks for this post.

[sandylee1]

Living together once marriage has been discussed is different so that you iron out any issues that may only arise from living together. Anyone who thinks cohabiting is a step before Marriage would be wrong.

 

If you discover it's impossible to live with each other during the engagement period.. then you call it off.

[anika99]

I actually agree. My son just broke up with his long term live-in GF. Last year he was talking about marrying her and now he has decided that he doesn't want to be tied down any longer. He moved out and left her heartbroken. I am heartbroken for her. She has a lot to offer the right person and I'm sorry my son has hurt her.

 

 

I have had 2 relationships that progressed to cohabitating. Once we moved in together I soon found that I didn't really know them until we lived together. I ended both of those relationships and I was relieved that we weren't married so I can see the merit to the argument for living together before marriage but then again, I think perhaps both myself and my bf would have tried harder and taken the relationship and each other more seriously if we had been married rather than just shacking up.

[BettyDraper]

I think that if both parties want to get married and they decide to live together, that situation is vastly different from just shacking up to "try things out."

 

My husband proposed to me one month after I moved in with him. I would not have agreed to cohabit if we weren't both on the same page about marriage.

[Montsan]

In reading some of these responses I suppose that the one justification for "shacking up" would be that both the boy and girl have already agreed to a marriage and that initially living together makes things more convenient.

[BettyDraper]

In reading some of these responses I suppose that the one justification for "shacking up" would be that both the boy and girl have already agreed to a marriage and that initially living together makes things more convenient.

 

Exactly. Otherwise, I agree that cohabitation is not the best choice. My husband never lived with any other woman except me.

I never lived with any other man except roommates.

[MJJean]

There seems to be some illusion created that marriage will make living together work out for sure. There is a thread right here on the first page disproving this theory. Always try out for compatibility first.

 

The time for "trying out compatibility" is during dating. That's actually the whole point of dating. You don't need to live together to know if you're compatible. You just need to A) spend a lot of time together getting to know each other and talking of things such as having ids religion, politics, sex, finances, etc. and B) NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS.

 

Living together once marriage has been discussed is different so that you iron out any issues that may only arise from living together. Anyone who thinks cohabiting is a step before Marriage would be wrong.

 

If you discover it's impossible to live with each other during the engagement period.. then you call it off.

 

I agree. As someone once said to me "I am not a long term girlfriend!". Neither am I! DH and I planned to be married before we moved in together and were married within a year of living together.

[central]

I wouldn't move in with someone before dating at least a year. However, if the potential then exists for a lasting relationship, I wouldn't pursue one WITHOUT living together first, for at least a year and preferably two before deciding to marry. You learn a lot about a person that you can't learn any other way, and IMO no one should even consider marriage before 2 years together - even if it's dating without living together.

 

 

I think my first marriage was a huge mistake, and if we'd lived together first, we would have known better than to marry. The second time, we lived together for several years, and by then knew we were right for each other. Time has proved that realization to be correct.

[minimariah]

Always try out for compatibility first.

 

it's like this for me, too -- i think marrying without living together first (at least for a few couple of months) is... well, risky. if we're not a match, if we don't work as a couple in a day to day life - better to know BEFORE it's too late. on the other hand -- i cannot seriously discuss marriage when i don't know how we work out as a couple so getting engaged and THEN moving in wouldn't work for me personally.

 

i don't think i know a couple who DIDN'T live together prior to marrying (during dating phase or engaged)... to be honest. everyone dated for around a year, lived together for around a year (when couple moves in, it's pretty obvious that it's becoming something serious) & then married - it's the timeline i usually see around me.

Edited January 20, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

You don't need to live together to know if you're compatible.

 

i personally can't tell if i'm compatible with someone without living with them first -- i learned, through my experience, that i fully get to know someone ONLY when i live with them for a period of time -- when i know all of their moods, their sleeping/eating/cleaning habits, their day to day life.

 

it's definitely not the same as just dating, for me at least - i think it's like that for a lot of folks.

 

then again -- i wouldn't live with someone for more than a year. year is my maximum --- if we don't marry within that year, we won't at all. it's how it goes for me personally so i can't imagine living with someone for 10 whole years WITHOUT marrying (since it's important to me).

Edited January 20, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

My son just broke up with his long term live-in GF. Last year he was talking about marrying her and now he has decided that he doesn't want to be tied down any longer.

 

your post reminded me -- i see one thing happening a LOT - a couple living together for a long time (YEARS). they start discussing marriage & children and preparing everything for the next move... then, seemingly out of the blue - one partner dumps the other and in RECORD TIME marries someone else.

 

so there is definitely this phenomenon out there of people "shacking up" in long term relationships then marrying after a very short courtship period.

 

so there is definitely something about living with someone and NOT commiting for a longer period of time.

[oldshirt]

I have a simple formula- if someone wants to share rent and utility bills, wants convenient access to sex but yet does not want to be much legal or social commitment and wants either party to walk away scot-free, then cohabitation is clearly the way to go.

 

But if someone wants a legally and societally recognized partnership and wants a traditional marriage, home and family, then cohabitation is an impediment to that.

 

For some reason kids today think it is an intermediate step in the marital process and it is not.

 

Things like housekeeping skills and responsibility and video gaming etc should be vetted during the dating process and delt with before joining together.

 

If people are serious about marriage, they propose marriage and commit to working out the things that come up during the marriage.

 

Cohabitation is used as a means to avoid marriage far more often than as a precursor to marriage.

[TX-SC]

Not really sure what I would tell my daughters about that. I never lived with a woman, aside from family, until I was married at age 26. I found it much more exciting to get married then move in together. If I already lived with her, I'm not sure getting married would be as exciting.

[Montsan]

Not really sure what I would tell my daughters about that. I never lived with a woman, aside from family, until I was married at age 26. I found it much more exciting to get married then move in together. If I already lived with her, I'm not sure getting married would be as exciting.

 

Good point!

[Just a Guy]

So how often should people try out living in to ascertain whether they are compatible with some one? If we go by what some people here are saying and try a live in relationship for a year before deciding it is not working out then how many such trials do we carry out before throwing in the towel? What happens to spontaniety in a matter of the heart? Do we not trust it? What happens to ' Head over heels in love' if every relationship is to be tried out in advance much as one would try out a new car or a new dress or suit?

This line of thinking seems so preconceived and conditioned yet there is no guarantee that unions developing out of these would have long term success. I guess the process of dating as it exists where you date for a year or two and periodically cohabit should give you a fair idea of what the other partner is all about. I mean how long can a person keep hiding his or her true colours? If one is going to be trying live in relationships it could devolve into a veritable merry go round. Any way this is just one man's opinion!

Edited January 22, 2016 by Just a Guy

[BettyDraper]

I have a simple formula- if someone wants to share rent and utility bills, wants convenient access to sex but yet does not want to be much legal or social commitment and wants either party to walk away scot-free, then cohabitation is clearly the way to go.

 

But if someone wants a legally and societally recognized partnership and wants a traditional marriage, home and family, then cohabitation is an impediment to that.

 

For some reason kids today think it is an intermediate step in the marital process and it is not.

 

Things like housekeeping skills and responsibility and video gaming etc should be vetted during the dating process and delt with before joining together.

 

If people are serious about marriage, they propose marriage and commit to working out the things that come up during the marriage.

 

Cohabitation is used as a means to avoid marriage far more often than as a precursor to marriage.

 

I agree with this because I realize that my situation is unusual.

My experience has been that men generally want the convenience and women view cohabitation as a step towards marriage.

 

I will say that it is harder to truly know a person until you share a living space with them.

It's easy to hide certain things when you don't live with your partner.

Edited January 25, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Whoknew30]

I was raised to not live with someone until after you're actually married. I know have passed this on to my kids. Everyone is different & living together has worked for many of my friends but IMO it took away some of the excitement that came with not. Like the purposing, is it really a shock &'that special if you already live together? IMO, getting engaged, planning your wedding & moving your stuff in the place you're going to live together as a couple is all the excitement & part of getting married. It just didn't seem as exciting for the couple's that were already living together.