Should I start an affair?

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you for taking the time for your input. I know I hit some nerves bringing up this subject. My husband has asked for one final attempt at our marriage. It will now be deemed a partnership rather than a traditional marriage. I honestly don't believe it will work in the long run, but am willing to give it an honest try. We will have a monogamous/non-monogamous relationship. I am free to seek out FWB relationship with a married man/men that lives in another state or is substantial distance away. My husband is stipulating the married part in this, not me. It is the only way HE will feel secure.

 

If/when this arrangement does not work, I will move forward with filing for divorce.

 

For those of you who were concerned about the MM that I am planning to meet soon, he does not have any children. I would draw the line at breaking up any family, as the children would be innocent victims. I am not that self centered or cruel.

 

Question...? Are these married men sneaking around behind their unsuspecting wives' backs, or are they in open marriages where their wives know they're sharing bodily fluids, etc. with a third party?

 

Your husband's feelings of security aren't the only feelings involved you know. Such a betrayal can, and most often does, create a traumatic stress event for the betrayed spouse. I honestly can't understand how anyone would willfully do that to a stranger who had never done them any harm. It's an injury which never fully heals.

[wmacbride]

Your situation is very different than his.

Your are divorcing. He is not.

He will be married and lie to his spouse. Are you really okay with being a part of that lie? If you were in her shoes, how would you feel?

 

The very fact that you are going to divorce rather than stay married and have your needs met would indicate that you are not okay with cheating in yourself, so why are you willing to accept a rleationship partner who is cheating on someone else??

 

I know its easy to look at the situation and say 'it's all her fault. She should be giving him what he needs" but how will you ever really know her side?

 

Is it really worth giving your heart and soul for this? I expect there are plenty of unattached men, many of them divorced or never married, who would be thrilled to find a woman like you and would never ask you to be a party to something like this.

[wmacbride]

Ok, just to clarify. I do not want a long term affair with this man. I want to experience life again. I realize it is far from the perfect situation in so many ways. However, it does fulfill my fantasies and after this long, I feel like I deserve that! I don't see if being more than that one weekend, maybe two. He doesn't want to end his marriage and is up front with that. I have practice building a wall around my heart.

 

If you want some background, go to Marriage forum, 3rd page. I posted on there about 6 or so weeks ago. It's titled "I think I'm married to an asexual man". Please read that before you judge me.

 

Not judging, but ask yourself it you really feel that you deserve that at the expense of someone else.

 

Let's say it is just a casual thing, but his wife finds out. How are you going to feel knowing that you have played a part in causing her all that pain? In causing pain to their children?

 

Will you really be okay with that?

[sweet_pea]

Thank you for taking the time for your input. I know I hit some nerves bringing up this subject. My husband has asked for one final attempt at our marriage. It will now be deemed a partnership rather than a traditional marriage. I honestly don't believe it will work in the long run, but am willing to give it an honest try. We will have a monogamous/non-monogamous relationship. I am free to seek out FWB relationship with a married man/men that lives in another state or is substantial distance away. My husband is stipulating the married part in this, not me. It is the only way HE will feel secure.

 

If/when this arrangement does not work, I will move forward with filing for divorce.

 

For those of you who were concerned about the MM that I am planning to meet soon, he does not have any children. I would draw the line at breaking up any family, as the children would be innocent victims. I am not that self centered or cruel.

 

Sooooo, his wife isn't an innocent victim? It's ok to break up a marriage as long as no kids are involved? Gotcha. I hope you're prepared for any fallout that will probably come with having an affair with a married man.

[Sassy Girl]

Sooooo, his wife isn't an innocent victim? It's ok to break up a marriage as long as no kids are involved? Gotcha. I hope you're prepared for any fallout that will probably come with having an affair with a married man.

 

This. A husband and wife ARE a family - kids or no kids. And Infidelity doesn't just affect the husband and wife. It effects parents, siblings, in laws, friendships... The list goes on. The OMs wife deserves the same respect your husband does. Let her have a choice about her marriage before selfishly and sneakily injecting yourself in there behind her back.

Edited January 20, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[HereNorThere]

What's keeping you from just being ethical about all of this? You have your husbands permission, so why not just date single guys? What happened to you that you would have to settle for some leftover scraps of a horrible married guy? Oh the husband says they have to be married? Super awesome of you to be such a loyal wife and obey his wishes.

 

This is really point where you have to realize that you like because they are married. That for whatever reason, you get a thrill out of violating the rights of others. Since you can't do it to your spouse anymore, you do it to others. When does the cycle of abusive stop? Haven't enough people been hurt by the whirlwind that is you?

 

Think of how many lives you destroyed and then stop smiling. We know what's up. You like hurting the other people. It's fun for you.

Edited January 20, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Poppy47]

It all seems too messy for words. This is not making sense to me.

 

Wouldn't it be more simple to divorce and do whatever you want with an unattached man? Why do you want to remain in a marriage that is already doomed, even for a short time?

 

YOur A would take him away from their marriage in ways you can't begin to imagine. Think for a start about the amount of time he puts into thinking of you, making arrangements to meet, meeting and lying about it.

 

MM in affairs are not always genuinely present and available for their spouse. It isn't just about children.

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for taking the time for your input. I know I hit some nerves bringing up this subject. My husband has asked for one final attempt at our marriage. It will now be deemed a partnership rather than a traditional marriage. I honestly don't believe it will work in the long run, but am willing to give it an honest try. We will have a monogamous/non-monogamous relationship. I am free to seek out FWB relationship with a married man/men that lives in another state or is substantial distance away. My husband is stipulating the married part in this, not me. It is the only way HE will feel secure.

 

If/when this arrangement does not work, I will move forward with filing for divorce.

 

For those of you who were concerned about the MM that I am planning to meet soon, he does not have any children. I would draw the line at breaking up any family, as the children would be innocent victims. I am not that self centered or cruel.

 

But his wife IS his family. You will be helping him betray her and help him hurt her in the worst way possible.

 

So, your husband is okay with you having an A with someone who is married, someone single is a threat?

 

You also seem to think your marriage is more or less over, not sure how you plan on reconnecting with your husband and fixing things with him if you're investing in a MM and bonding/having sex with with MM.

[RySant]

I honestly can't understand how anyone would willfully do that to a stranger who had never done them any harm. It's an injury which never fully heals.

 

Such a question I would LOVE to know the answer too. I know every affair is unique, but it all boils down to one thing: Selfishness.

 

It's okay to be selfish at times, but this kind of selfishness? Acting upon this is like killing a LOT of people (if kids are involved) emotionally. Shattering them to pieces and I don't think it's really worth any happiness if you can cause this much pain.

 

Something to think about.

[SCShea]

I am so messed up right now. My husband has had such complete control over me for so many years that I can't even think for myself. He probably told me a few months ago when this topic came up, that a married man would be safer for me and I have thought it was my own idea.

 

You are right, it is completely selfish and I don't know what the hell I am thinking or doing. This whole thing is wrong on so many levels and I am trying to justify it.

 

I'm just so afraid.

[Popsicle]

I knew you weren't going to file.

 

You have to take some responsibility in this and stop blaming your husband for everything.

 

You will never be strong enough to divorce unless you can do that and stand on your own two feet.

[SCShea]

I knew you weren't going to file.

 

You have to take some responsibility in this and stop blaming your husband for everything.

 

You will never be strong enough to divorce unless you can do that and stand on your own two feet.

 

Just as I knew you would gloat.

[purplesorrow]

Just as I knew you would gloat.

 

She had the same very wrong prediction about me divorcing. Work your life out as best you can but please try to avoid harming other families in the process. Good luck, I hope you find your peace.

[road]

Just as I knew you would gloat.

 

 

Not here to gloat.

 

 

There are many reasons to not get divorced. You do not want to at this time then you do not.

 

 

Being your Husband says ok to an open marriage for you. Go for it. Find a swingers group. Your husband brings you. He stays in the main room. You pair up discreetly and go off to a private room.

 

 

No need to have affairs with married men and your husband's fears you leaving him for a single man are taken care of.

 

 

Your need for sex is legitimate. Your husband will not provide it.

[Popsicle]

She had the same very wrong prediction about me divorcing.

 

Well that was a pleasant surprise. It does happen every blue moon. But you're a BS not a WS so it's different.

[Popsicle]

Just as I knew you would gloat.

 

That is not my goal. You are definitely making progress in being forthright that you are not divorcing (right now) and that it's wrong to be with a married man.

 

Since you and your husband are both in agreement to you having sex with others, then maybe a swingers club is the only way to do this ethically.

[HereNorThere]

I am so messed up right now. My husband has had such complete control over me for so many years that I can't even think for myself. He probably told me a few months ago when this topic came up, that a married man would be safer for me and I have thought it was my own idea.

 

You are right, it is completely selfish and I don't know what the hell I am thinking or doing. This whole thing is wrong on so many levels and I am trying to justify it.

 

I'm just so afraid.

 

So afraid of what? Not having sex? Sex is a want, not a need. Given the urge, most healthy people just masturbate and move on. Somehow or another (probably exploring on the Internet) you started developing an obsession. Trust me on this. I'm a guy that went through his twenties. There is no better authority on unrequited sexual obsession in the world than that demographic.

 

Now I'm in my 30s, good looking, single, career, money, blah blah and can pretty much have sex whenever I want. I turn down nsa sex offers a few times a week at least. The funny part about being able to have it, you really don't it want it. You figure out really quick that the fantasy always beats the reality. The fantasy is so steamy and and erotic, but the reality is waking up next to someone with bad breathe, weird butthole smells, dirty sheets and worrying about catching an std.

 

I see this obsession with my older married friends all the time. They look at me like I'm crazy when I turn down a sexual offer from someone. They obsess about these women for years so it's crazy to them that I would be willing to turn them down, but they look at it so one-sided. Sure, if they just magically appeared in bed and then *poof* disappeared with no consequences, I might consider running the harem they're always trying to talk me into but it doesn't work that way. Even if it's NSA, it's still a real person with feelings that I have maintain a relationship with on some level. I've done the player thing, but I realized that I was only stroking my ego as I left a trail of broken hearts behind me.

 

The funniest part about the whole thing is that it would be easier to sleep with married women than it would be single. Single girls want to be wined and dined, married women want to meet you in the alley between 4:45 and 5:00 before their kid gets out of soccer practice. If I was just looking for sex, you can see how much easier the latter be.

 

My point is this - once you're able to have as much nsa sex as you want, you'll soon realize it's not want you want or really crave. You crave the attention and long for real appreciation from someone. That real connection is so much better than the animalistic, I can smell breathe, god I hope at don't get herpes, nsa sex. Trust me on this because I am living it.

Edited January 20, 2016 by HereNorThere

[purplesorrow]

Well that was a pleasant surprise. It does happen every blue moon. But you're a BS not a WS so it's different.

 

It happens a lot. Just go on a divorce forum. And it's no different. It's just a dig you like to throw out at any betrayed spouse.

[Popsicle]

It happens a lot. Just go on a divorce forum. And it's no different. It's just a dig you like to throw out at any betrayed spouse.

 

I believe you're the one that's always posting digs at me. I don't even post to you. Now leave me alone.

[Popsicle]

It happens a lot. Just go on a divorce forum. And it's no different. It's just a dig you like to throw out at any betrayed spouse.

 

And for that matter, I don't throw that out to ANY BS, only those who seem stuck. But this is the OW forum anyway.

[Maddieandtae]

Scshea, you may find if you pursue an sexual relationship outside of your marriage that what you thought you were missing wasn't sex at all. This is just my opinion, my partner and I haven't been intimate in quite some time. I thought I wanted to fill that void and as time has gone by I realize I miss the emotional connection in sex that comes with being with who you most want to be with. I haven't died without sex, I miss it but know going outside of the relationship won't help me. Of course if you and your husband have this agreement than that is your choice as a couple it just maybe that there is more your husband is not providing and the sex is a deflection. I was married once and I too struggled with divorce, we did divorce and it was the right choice for us but it's not the right choice for everyone. BS/WS or not people will choose to stay married or not based on relationship needs not being met on both sides. You will get to your point and only you will know when that will be:)

[purplesorrow]

I believe you're the one that's always posting digs at me. I don't even post to you. Now leave me alone.

 

Please report me.

[Popsicle]

Please report me.

 

You first.

 

I told you a year ago I didn't want to talk to you when you sent me a PM.

Edited January 20, 2016 by Popsicle

[William]

Ha, ha, more members angling for suspension. Come on, play nice. Thanks!

 

OK, one down. Anyone else? Topical responses are appreciated!

Edited January 20, 2016 by William

[wmacbride]

I am so messed up right now. My husband has had such complete control over me for so many years that I can't even think for myself. He probably told me a few months ago when this topic came up, that a married man would be safer for me and I have thought it was my own idea.

 

You are right, it is completely selfish and I don't know what the hell I am thinking or doing. This whole thing is wrong on so many levels and I am trying to justify it.

 

I'm just so afraid.

 

It sounds like you need some time to collect yourself and work through all of this. Is there any way that you can stay with a friend or relative for a little while, just to give yourself some breathing room?