Poppy47 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 It's interesting that SCShea says her husbanding has been very controlling for many years. I can't imagine him allowing you to go swinging or with anybody else. It seems you have reached the end of your rope with your situation and you can't do it anymore. Maybe you need to get away from your husband and start putting your own thoughts together. YOu might get a different perspective altogether. Best wishes, Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 HereNorThere, your words are wise. OP, I liken these dilemmas to employment situations. Yeah I know, there's a difference in saying vows before the eyes of God and friends and family in attendance. BUT, we have probably all worked with someone who constantly complains about their work environment; they don't get paid enough, the hours are awful, co-worker A, B, C is so annoying and on and on. And this is their mission..to beef about the conditions to anyone that will listen. Perhaps they are that bad but the employee chooses to do nothing about it. Or is locked in a financial situation where they can't do anything about it. The solution is simple (but not easy): you have the option of staying where you are and accepting the 'conditions' aren't perfect OR move on and find something that works for you. The physical attention from a MM is only a quick fix. You will be craving more until you've lost your footing and mind and soul and then will wonder how the h*ll you got there...and worse, how do you get out. It all comes down to a simple decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Just a little background. My husband has not had an erection in 4 years even with Viagra, Cialis, etc. He has NEVER made an attempt to have sex with me the past 30 years. He told me it was my job to make him want me, which I could never do. When he told me he was asexual and has never sexual desired me a few months ago, I told him that he has caused me way too much damage and that I would never risk being sexual with him again, even if he wanted to. Tonight I am sitting at the breakfast bar talking to him about our relationship. I told him how wrong it was that I would be messing up other people lives, even if he agreed to it (having an affair with a married man). I told him that the only real option left is divorce and started to cry. He walks around behind me to give me a hug while I am still sitting crying into my hands. He then presses his erection against my lower back and starts stroking my sides. I just started shaking and wanted to scream but one of our sons was over. WTF was that all about! I'm telling him our only option is to get divorced and that finally turns him on? Did he like making me cry again and that did it? Was he proud of his "accomplishment" and wanted to make sure I knew about it? Does he not realize that he only hurts me more? Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Just a little background. My husband has not had an erection in 4 years even with Viagra, Cialis, etc. He has NEVER made an attempt to have sex with me the past 30 years. He told me it was my job to make him want me, which I could never do. When he told me he was asexual and has never sexual desired me a few months ago, I told him that he has caused me way too much damage and that I would never risk being sexual with him again, even if he wanted to. Tonight I am sitting at the breakfast bar talking to him about our relationship. I told him how wrong it was that I would be messing up other people lives, even if he agreed to it (having an affair with a married man). I told him that the only real option left is divorce and started to cry. He walks around behind me to give me a hug while I am still sitting crying into my hands. He then presses his erection against my lower back and starts stroking my sides. I just started shaking and wanted to scream but one of our sons was over. WTF was that all about! I'm telling him our only option is to get divorced and that finally turns him on? Did he like making me cry again and that did it? Was he proud of his "accomplishment" and wanted to make sure I knew about it? Does he not realize that he only hurts me more? This is so sad, I feel so much for you. I'm not even sure what to say here except that I'm so sorry for your pain. Wishing you the best as you work through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 OK, I will not be tearing up anyone's life. My husband I have concluded that we will amicably be seeking a divorce. We have to be separated for a year before we can actually file for the actual divorce in SC, which is actually ludicrous. I soon will be a single woman seeking out single men. Popsicle- hate to do this to you! I feel better already. Not that a whole bucket load of tears haven't been shed, don't get me wrong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 OK, I will not be tearing up anyone's life. My husband I have concluded that we will amicably be seeking a divorce. We have to be separated for a year before we can actually file for the actual divorce in SC, which is actually ludicrous. I soon will be a single woman seeking out single men. Popsicle- hate to do this to you! I feel better already. Not that a whole bucket load of tears haven't been shed, don't get me wrong. I have never been happier to be so wrong! It is a sad and happy occasion all wrapped up in one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 OK, I will not be tearing up anyone's life. My husband I have concluded that we will amicably be seeking a divorce. We have to be separated for a year before we can actually file for the actual divorce in SC, which is actually ludicrous. I soon will be a single woman seeking out single men. Popsicle- hate to do this to you! I feel better already. Not that a whole bucket load of tears haven't been shed, don't get me wrong. Good for you Shea. My ex and I divorced after almost 3 decades together. People can and do divorce every day. Get to a solicitor tomorrow and start the process, as every day you delay will just prolong the (sexless) agony. Not sure how it works where you're from, but perhaps when you've filed for legal separation you will be free to discreetly date and get your groove back. Congrats for making the decision not to cheat and actually taking proactive steps for a happier, authentic life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 OK, I will not be tearing up anyone's life. My husband I have concluded that we will amicably be seeking a divorce. We have to be separated for a year before we can actually file for the actual divorce in SC, which is actually ludicrous. I soon will be a single woman seeking out single men. Popsicle- hate to do this to you! I feel better already. Not that a whole bucket load of tears haven't been shed, don't get me wrong. Nearly three decades is a long time together, but who knows?.. maybe you and your STBXH will end up the best of friends. Meantime... well done. I don't believe you'll ever regret your decision to maintain honor and dignity by refusing to cause emotional damage to another human being. Brava! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 To begin with your post was breaking my heart. I've been cheated on & the devastation is beyond any pain, on so many levels, than I could ever imagine. Your beliefs & attitude were very upsetting to me. I'm broken & desperately need someone, family, to support me but I'm now an only child because my only beloved brother took his own life as a result of adultery. It's such a relief that you've actually analyzed & recognized the emotional carnage that infidelity can cause. Thank you so much for making such a wise descision. You deserve happiness, don't we all? Just NEVER at the expense of another persons life. I wish you all the best in your new authentic life. I know it must be terrifying in many ways. You're a brave lady. It's incredibly exciting too, isn't it?? Best wishes 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 29, 2016 Author Share Posted January 29, 2016 I can't even begin to describe the sense of joy I am beginning to feel just knowing that I will move into my apartment on the 5th. Yes, I went ahead and rented an apartment rather than wait for my husband to move out of the house. It felt like I could have a fresh start this way. When we talked about me staying in the house he still wanted to "come and go freely in the house still" to see our dog (really to check up on me). This way he won't have my apartment keys and I will have a clean break unless I chose to see him. I need this to be on my terms right now. This feels SO RIGHT!!!!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Just a little background. My husband has not had an erection in 4 years even with Viagra, Cialis, etc. He has NEVER made an attempt to have sex with me the past 30 years. He told me it was my job to make him want me, which I could never do. When he told me he was asexual and has never sexual desired me a few months ago, I told him that he has caused me way too much damage and that I would never risk being sexual with him again, even if he wanted to. Tonight I am sitting at the breakfast bar talking to him about our relationship. I told him how wrong it was that I would be messing up other people lives, even if he agreed to it (having an affair with a married man). I told him that the only real option left is divorce and started to cry. He walks around behind me to give me a hug while I am still sitting crying into my hands. He then presses his erection against my lower back and starts stroking my sides. I just started shaking and wanted to scream but one of our sons was over. WTF was that all about! I'm telling him our only option is to get divorced and that finally turns him on? Did he like making me cry again and that did it? Was he proud of his "accomplishment" and wanted to make sure I knew about it? Does he not realize that he only hurts me more? He sounds like a sadistic MF and the minute he said it was my job to make him want me, I would have dumped his ass. Why are you torturing yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I can't even begin to describe the sense of joy I am beginning to feel just knowing that I will move into my apartment on the 5th. Yes, I went ahead and rented an apartment rather than wait for my husband to move out of the house. It felt like I could have a fresh start this way. When we talked about me staying in the house he still wanted to "come and go freely in the house still" to see our dog (really to check up on me). This way he won't have my apartment keys and I will have a clean break unless I chose to see him. I need this to be on my terms right now. This feels SO RIGHT!!!!!!! Oh, sorry, I hadn't gotten to this part yet. I know you have talked about it and have agreed on separation and divorce, but I caution you to be careful and do not reveal too much to him, especially about sex with other people. Separation and divorce are a very dangerous time. People do all kinds of crazy things. Keep the lines of communication open but remember to be kind as this is stressful stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 You sound very frail and confused right now. You are a prime candidate for a predatory/parasitic relationship. My advice is you get some IC. This will help you move forward. You need to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it. Your pain is palpable. I really feel for you. This can turn into a great start if you are careful and take the necessary steps to rid yourself of a relationship that is so unfulfilling for you. Take a step at a time. I commend you for being straight forward with your partner....he has obviously told you were he stands as well. Starting an affair won't fix anything. You won't feel better in the long run. You don't need more pain...you need to move forward. Make a to do list. Enlist help from family and friends. There is hope. Starting over is difficult but better than the alternative....HUGS. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 OK, I will not be tearing up anyone's life. My husband I have concluded that we will amicably be seeking a divorce. We have to be separated for a year before we can actually file for the actual divorce in SC, which is actually ludicrous. I soon will be a single woman seeking out single men. Popsicle- hate to do this to you! I feel better already. Not that a whole bucket load of tears haven't been shed, don't get me wrong. A year is rough, but it could be worse... in the UK and Australia it's 2 years of separation. In Ireland it's a whopping 5 years (but divorce wasn't even legal there until the early 90's I believe). I'm sorry that you're going through this but am glad to hear that you've amicably reached a decision with your husband. Congrats on having the conversations and crying the tears that so many are not brave enough to face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Just an update! I am so glad that I posted on this site to shake up my crazy thinking. Thank you everyone for your honesty, even though it was not what I wanted to hear at the time. This is my third weekend living in my apartment. Just moving out of such a controlling environment has been a huge relief! I am still seeing going to see the therapist every other week to work on me and what I want out of life. I am still friends with the same man. He has since filed for divorce, which really has nothing to do with our relationship. He and his wife talked and realized their relationship had died out long before. (They didn't have any children, so I think it was an easier decision) We have been more of a support for each other through difficult times in both of our lives. I don't have any expectations of anything more than a friendship and shared experience. Yes, we are still planning on meeting next month! But, now we will both be doing this under very different circumstances!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Just an update! I am so glad that I posted on this site to shake up my crazy thinking. Thank you everyone for your honesty, even though it was not what I wanted to hear at the time. This is my third weekend living in my apartment. Just moving out of such a controlling environment has been a huge relief! I am still seeing going to see the therapist every other week to work on me and what I want out of life. I am still friends with the same man. He has since filed for divorce, which really has nothing to do with our relationship. He and his wife talked and realized their relationship had died out long before. (They didn't have any children, so I think it was an easier decision) We have been more of a support for each other through difficult times in both of our lives. I don't have any expectations of anything more than a friendship and shared experience. Yes, we are still planning on meeting next month! But, now we will both be doing this under very different circumstances!! :D:D 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Akashsingh Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Just an update! I am so glad that I posted on this site to shake up my crazy thinking. Thank you everyone for your honesty, even though it was not what I wanted to hear at the time. This is my third weekend living in my apartment. Just moving out of such a controlling environment has been a huge relief! I am still seeing going to see the therapist every other week to work on me and what I want out of life. I am still friends with the same man. He has since filed for divorce, which really has nothing to do with our relationship. He and his wife talked and realized their relationship had died out long before. (They didn't have any children, so I think it was an easier decision) We have been more of a support for each other through difficult times in both of our lives. I don't have any expectations of anything more than a friendship and shared experience. Yes, we are still planning on meeting next month! But, now we will both be doing this under very different circumstances!! :D:D Quite honestly regardless of who says what. Do what your mind says. We hold intimacy for too many mind games. Life moves fast and is unforgiving. When I was married and sexless, I had so many opportunities to have an affair that I let go. I was younger more attractive than now. I have been sexless in divorce as well for again I wasn't emotionally over my ex. So go ahead and live your life and have the best sex you can ever get. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) I haven't checked to see if this info has been posted already, but if you are expecting alimony, do NOT get involved with someone. Adultery in South Carolina: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com If you and your soon-to-be ex both want to date others, the problems can be avoided if you both agree (and put this in writing, and get it notarized!) that you are allowed to date others without penalty. Edited February 22, 2016 by central Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Just an update! I am so glad that I posted on this site to shake up my crazy thinking. Thank you everyone for your honesty, even though it was not what I wanted to hear at the time. This is my third weekend living in my apartment. Just moving out of such a controlling environment has been a huge relief! I am still seeing going to see the therapist every other week to work on me and what I want out of life. I am still friends with the same man. He has since filed for divorce, which really has nothing to do with our relationship. He and his wife talked and realized their relationship had died out long before. (They didn't have any children, so I think it was an easier decision) We have been more of a support for each other through difficult times in both of our lives. I don't have any expectations of anything more than a friendship and shared experience. Yes, we are still planning on meeting next month! But, now we will both be doing this under very different circumstances!! :D:D So both of you have filed for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
MissCongeniality Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Should you have an affair? Um... let's think about this for a second how about... no. Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Just an update! I am so glad that I posted on this site to shake up my crazy thinking. Thank you everyone for your honesty, even though it was not what I wanted to hear at the time. This is my third weekend living in my apartment. Just moving out of such a controlling environment has been a huge relief! I am still seeing going to see the therapist every other week to work on me and what I want out of life. I am still friends with the same man. He has since filed for divorce, which really has nothing to do with our relationship. He and his wife talked and realized their relationship had died out long before. (They didn't have any children, so I think it was an easier decision) We have been more of a support for each other through difficult times in both of our lives. I don't have any expectations of anything more than a friendship and shared experience. Yes, we are still planning on meeting next month! But, now we will both be doing this under very different circumstances!! :D:D Trust and verify! He may not have filed for divorce. Is he still living at the marital home? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Trust and verify! He may not have filed for divorce. Is he still living at the marital home? This was my thought.... How do you know... It's all rather convenient. Wouldn't it be wise to find someone with less baggage? Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 (edited) Glad to see the OP is moving on, and I hope she remains careful and vigilant about the character of men she gets involved with. I think she's doing the right thing. Even if not intentional her husband's behavior and position was nothing short of cruel and abusive. Just an aside, and I don't know if anyone mentioned it - but, in most states neglecting sex for a period of 1 year or longer is itself fault grounds for divorce. I mention this, because if the ground stands - it may be sufficient to waive the 1 year separation requirement. Adultery, while still a fault ground is rarely ever pursued because it is too difficult to prove and is often so easily mitigated by other marital conduct. I think the fear over the OP seeking sex outside the marriage is over stated, though I agree she should be seeking single unattached partners. Edited February 23, 2016 by RRM321 Link to post Share on other sites
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