Harmless fun or a fast track to hell?

[Carlawasgood]

Hey all... most of the time I think I am living a great life. I have just finished law school, I'm in a great firm, I am physically fit.... But I feel like I also feel like I am becoming quite empty. I used to have loads of friends at college and now most of them have drifted away. Most of my friends are the people I work with now. And the only time I socialise is on Friday night when we all go out drinking.

 

This might sound okay but the problem is I have developed a nasty little coke habit that has developed to the point that I can't go out without snorting $300 up my nose as well. In fact, I can no longer have more than 3 drinks without getting itchy for coke. I no longer go out unless I have drugs on me. This means that I can really only go out every other week, otherwise I can't pay the rent. All my money is now spent on coke - I don't even buy new clothes anymore. I turn down all invitations to do anything but go partying. I have lost many friends now who aren't into the bar scene. And those that are... well even they aren't as full on as me. I wake up on a Saturday afternoon (after getting home that morning) with a bloody nose, a sore head, no money and many regrets. But it’s the only time I feel like I am having fun. Normal life is boring. Sometimes I feel like I am the only exciting girl in the world with a brain on her head. All the other lawyers are so straight, its infuriating.

 

I have never had a bf and although I regularly get asked out on dates I can never follow through. It seems okay for me to pash someone at midnight but I can't see them sober. And what happens when my drinking friends dry up? I feel like I will always be alone.

[moimeme]

You know very well you are in serious trouble. Find yourself a detox program and register fast. This junk'll ruin your career and your life - in fact, from all you say, it's already doing that in spades.

 

Fun? Fun????? There's no fun at all in what you've written. That's coke for you - deludes you into thinking you're having 'fun'. You're not the most brilliant and interesting person you know - in fact people who watch your decline will consider you pathetic and self-destructive which is interesting only in a watching-a-car-wreck sort of way. People who drink always think themselves incredibly witty when they're drunk and people who do drugs think they're 'cool' but the truth of the matter is that if you need a chemical crutch to persuade yourself that you are 'cool' or 'fun' then you are in bad, bad shape.

[BigB]

yeah dude, time for rehab now!

 

don't walk, run.

 

Coke is the worst because it feels so damn good (I know, I've done it a few times)

but it makes the times when you not high feel boring and depressing, thus you just want to be high again.

 

and coming down is so painful.. ugg.. I remember days where I'd be sitting in the dark, nose running, sinus's hurting, head throbbing.. blech.. It's not worth it..

 

The itch will always be there, it takes work to fight it off. Part of that means, you need to quit drinking, stay away from bars, and loose all your friends who drink or use.

 

I have personally seen coke destroy more than one friends lives..

[shamen]

Hi,

 

Speaking as a fellow addict (I'll always be one even though I don't use anymore), you need some help girl.

 

Here's a link to someone else's thread here who's been worried about the same things recently...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56442

 

Also, here's a link to Narcotics Anonymous, if you can get past the higher power thing...

 

http://www.na.org/

[outdated]

Get help quick. I have been a former addict and have watched several friends die. Let me say that again in case you weren't listening wholeheartedly. I've watched several friends DIE. These drugs will do you no good and I've watched the ones that didn't die fall into loserdom very quickly. You seem like you have a lot going for you besides the whiff, so ditch that crap and focus on the other stuff. Keep your head and wallet in check, trust me, you'll thank us later.

[shamen]

Originally posted by outdated

Get help quick. I have been a former addict and have watched several friends die. Let me say that again in case you weren't listening wholeheartedly. I've watched several friends DIE. These drugs will do you no good and I've watched the ones that didn't die fall into loserdom very quickly. You seem like you have a lot going for you besides the whiff, so ditch that crap and focus on the other stuff. Keep your head and wallet in check, trust me, you'll thank us later.

 

Well said, Outdated. I too have lost friends to drugs. It totally sux. My beau lost someone recently to drugs. Dealt with the funeral. It's still being dealt with in our community.

 

Oh, and yeah, you can OD on coke.

[blind_otter]

There is some research indicating that addicts or those with addictive tendencies tend to find "normal" life boring or less stimulating. Maybe it takes more stimulation to cause a response, who knows.

 

In any case, I am intimately familiar with the sensation you describe - that feeling of emptiness and boredom. You get used to the boredom. You just have to accept that you're pretty much damaged yourself with the drug use - you depend on it for stimulation. I've seen several close friends lose their lives because of the whole partying thing. I did myself, lived out of my car for a while when I was younger.

 

Time to choose whether you want to keep living like this, or sober up. It'll only work if you want it to work.

 

You will go through a nasty period where you will really want coke. I was so bad I would cry every time I got drunk because I wanted coke so bad. You just power through it. If you have the will to do it. Good luck...

[laRubiaBonita]

my personal philosophy on addiction..... If you need ask if you are an addict and then justify why you are not an addict, i would say it is Propbably a good bet that you are an addict, or well on your way.

[Carlawasgood]

First of all, thank you everyone for your posts.

 

I'm not in denial about the fact that this is a problem. However, i am not swayed by the whole 'I've seen addicts die' kind of argument. I'm sure there are some people out there who can't handle it. However I don't think I am an addict, and I am being as honest as possible.

 

I don't use on week nights. I hold down a very good job and drugs has and never will interfer with that. I have been using for 4 years and although things have escalated slowly, I will never get to the stage where I am using on regular basis. I am not some deadbeat who uses drugs to escape some wider problem - I use them recreationally because the people I hang around can be really boring. I can't hang around regular uses because I've found that the majority of them seem to be slightly mentally retarded or at least suffering from some psychosis.

 

At the same time, I can't imagine my life without coke. I know people in their 40s who have very good careers and social lives who also do drugs every other weekend. Is it possible to use coke recreationally for the rest of my life?

[shamen]

Let me see, can you use drugs recreationally for the rest of your life? Coke? No way.

 

It's not just about dying, CarlaWasGood. It's about living.

 

Where is the line drawn between being a drug user and abuser? There is a lot of controversy about this, obviously. BUT, if you're using every weekend (even every other weekend), you're an abuser. Spending $300 in one shot? Abuser. Bloody noses, abuser. You turn down invitations to do things with your friends, abuser. You turn down dates, abuser. You're having to juggle your finances to deal with paying up, abuser. You don't buy new clothes anymore because you're spending all your money on coke, abuser.

 

I don't know why you think that you are not a regular user of coke. You said that you use every weekend. What's the difference? Just because you don't use during the week doesn't mean that you don't have a problem with it. The other people that you see who you feel are regular users is what you will eventually turn into if you keep using in the manner that you have been.

 

It wasn't until I walked my butt home from a friend's house doing the walk of shame in the middle of the day all dressed up to party like a rock star that I realized that my life was spiraling. I knew that I was going to die if I didn't get it together. Oh, and then couple that with the heroin use that started occasionally too... in conjunction with the coke. That was fun. NOT.

 

You may not feel that the fear of dying is a big enough reason to quit. It's not a scare tactic, it's just the truth. If this isn't a big enough reason to get yourself in some program, what is? I'm just glad that I lived through my 20s.

 

CarlaWasGood, this post is meant in the sincerest and nicest way possible. I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm just trying to help you open up your eyes a little bit to what your drug use has become. I hope that you take it that way. I'm sure that this stuff isn't really what you want to hear right now, because it sounds like you are still enjoying the drug use, but you're obviously somewhat worried about it, or you wouldn't be asking us this question...

[moimeme]

I'm sure there are some people out there who can't handle it. However I don't think I am an addict, and I am being as honest as possible.

 

You are saying what you believe to be true. Which may not accurately reflect the truth of the situation. Viz:

 

I can't imagine my life without coke

 

 

Do you not see what you are saying? You can't say that and NOT be an addict.

 

I will never get to the stage where I am using on regular basis. I am not some deadbeat who uses drugs to escape some wider problem -

 

Famous last words. Every addiction counsellor has seen many people who have said exactly this at some point in their lives. It's called denial.

 

I use them recreationally because the people I hang around can be really boring.

 

A much cheaper solution would be to find other people to hang around with. Or get a hobby. Take up sports - you're too busy moving to be bored.

 

I can't hang around regular uses because I've found that the majority of them seem to be slightly mentally retarded or at least suffering from some psychosis.

 

That would be because drugs harm brains.

[Carlawasgood]

I guess my next question is... how to slow down... and eventually stop? I don't know if I can face going out without getting sad and depressed and angry that I cannot get high. This is already making me anxious and upset.

[moimeme]

You may need a rehab doc. Talk to your own doc and ask what help's available or call a narcotics anonymous branch. Maybe going to meetings would do the trick for you. You can learn what other folks to do combat these sorts of problems.

[BigB]

Originally posted by Carlawasgood

I guess my next question is... how to slow down... and eventually stop? I don't know if I can face going out without getting sad and depressed and angry that I cannot get high. This is already making me anxious and upset.

 

You can't do it on your own. It won't last.

 

I had to move to another state, leave all my friends behind, etc. and I used only a handful of times.

 

I still think about coke almost everyday, the itch is still there, it always will be. It makes me want to tear my skin off sometimes. Luckily, I don't know anyone around here who uses, and I don't know where to get any, that's makes it easier.

 

You need to get into a program. I don't see any other way.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Carlawasgood

Normal life is boring. Sometimes I feel like I am the only exciting girl in the world with a brain on her head. All the other lawyers are so straight, its infuriating.

 

I have never had a bf and although I regularly get asked out on dates I can never follow through. It seems okay for me to pash someone at midnight but I can't see them sober. And what happens when my drinking friends dry up? I feel like I will always be alone.

 

In addition to detox, you need to see a therapist about these emotional issues. Two points would be good to start with - the unfulfilled need for adventure (truly adventurous people usually find adventures - you're not doing this) and the inability to connect.

 

Honey, there is lots of community and excitement to be had this world without turning to coke - you just need to reorient yourself a little to be able to find it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Carlawasgood

Is it possible to use coke recreationally for the rest of my life?

 

No. It causes irreversible damage to dopamine receptors in the brain - you are already on the road to becoming one of those mentally retarded/psychotic people. You just haven't noticed it yet.

[do2gizzle]

It sounds like your problem is serious and if you try to get help try to find a detox center but if that is not possible then you can turn yourself into jail i know of a friend who did this as a lst resort and it worked he hasnt done coke in almost 5 years now.

[Ifrit]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

No. It causes irreversible damage to dopamine receptors in the brain - you are already on the road to becoming one of those mentally retarded/psychotic people. You just haven't noticed it yet.

 

About that, I'm a 22 male porn addict (yea yea I know "surprise, surprise"), but honestly do you think its possible to induce this same substratum of neuronal damage by "using porn" b/c if you think about it- it does act in the same way as a drug, and research (just try google) actually states that internet porn can be even worse an addiction than cocaine in terms of the strength of the cravings and in the difficulty of breaking the habit. However, the only diff being that in porn addiction its your own hormones, endorphins and other neurotransmitters that are the actual addictive substance; there is no foreign substance introduced to the body, but b/ c of the similar mechanism of addiction, it makes one wonder if the physiological after-effects (ie. brain damage) could also be the same...

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Ifrit

but b/ c of the similar mechanism of addiction, it makes one wonder if the physiological after-effects (ie. brain damage) could also be the same...

 

Scary thought. Neurochemistry is not my subject, but I understand that it's the scale of the effect with Cocaine that is the problem. Don't know if this means that porn is safe though.

 

I think it's better to find your pleasure in the right places. Pleasure is supposed to encourage us to do things which are long term good for us - the exercise high, the good feeling after a job well done. Maybe turn off the porn and instead concentrate on real life, friends and making yourself fit for a real girlfriend?

 

And here am I typing at my computer and giving this advice

[scarlyjones]

My storys pretty bad,......but my sponsors (in AA) ..........Her story is unbelievable. I used to work at a restaurant in a mall in my town. I used to get off work and go down to Max and Ermas and drink all night long. I met this girl at the bar and we met up there 4 times or so a week. She was a fallout,..major problem riddled drunk. She was bad then. We lost touch for 8 years. For all I knew,..she died or something. I then went on and had many many problem due to my drug use and drinking. Drunk Drivings (3).......drinivng on suspendeds (7)....I was out of control. I almost died in the Hostpital ER. Thats nothing compared to my sponsors story. She got kicked out of her house and lived off of friends,..and other family members. Those friends were using too,.so eventually they too lost their homes. At that same time. My sponsors Mother died. My sponsor inherited $25,000 from her death. She moved immeditately to Miami. One-way plane ticket. Lived in expensive hotels. Drank all day and all night along with doing coke. Sex with strangers constantly. She hung out with people she would be on benders with for 5 days straight. Laugh with them,..eat with them....smoke with them. They SEEMED like they really hit it off and were becoming great friends. One night,...they were just driving down the street in Miami to a crackhouse. Her friend had been coming up on having no money soon. They were just driving like everything was normal,...in a secluded part of this neichborhood they were in,....this friend stops the car,....pulls out a gun,...turns to my sponsor,..and says "Okay,...bitch,..gimme your f*ckin ATM card and code or Im gonna shoot you in your head" This was the same person she had been chummin' around with for 5 days. She gave them what they wanted,....they then beat the living hell out of her,..stole the car she had rented,....and left her bleeding buckets on the side of the road. Similar instances such as this one, happened to my sponsor 4 more times. Mugged,...robbed,...raped,.....all these things happening yet she STILL went to crackhouses,...still used. Insane. She finally got sober when the money ran out.....and her father finall sent her a ticket to fly home under the condition that she go into treatment. NOw,.....I finally got sober after drinking inside dumpsters,.....picking up cigarette butts,....breaking them open,..and rolling up my own smokes,.....after my heart stopped for 45 seconds in the ER due to withdrawl and severe Delirium Tremens. I went into treatment. A week into my treatment,..I called my Mom. She told me that the salon she goes to has a girl working there that has 4 years sober and that she would talk to me if my mom wanted. I said sure. The next time my mom went into the salon that girl asked her what my name was just in case I called her. My mom told her my name. The girls face glazed over. She was like "You daughter is (so and so) ? My mom says "Yes,..why?" She says "I used to drink and use drugs with your daughter YEARS ago at Max and Ermas" This girl is my sponsor. God intervened and sent our paths back together,..this time,..for a greater purpose. Drugs and alcohol will kill you if you abuse them. Doing it every weekend will kill you. You cant take coke your entire life and NOT have problems. You cant drink and drive forever and beat the odds you wont get pulled over. YOU WILL. AND ITS NOT BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT AND YOUR LUCK WAS JUST BAD THAT THE COP SAW YOUR BROKEN TAIL LIGHT OR HEADLIGHT OUT. Broken tail lights and burned out headlights happen. We can agree that you will almost definitely have a broken taillight or out headlight in your lifetime. If you are always LEGALLY drunk,...you will get caught. If you EVER find yourself WONDERING if you are an addict or have a problem with drinking,...you probably do.

[moimeme]

Oh Scarly - please, paragraphs

 

Yes, they're finding out that all addictions, including that to porn, have to do with one's neurotransmitters. Which is good in a way because now they're finding out how addictions work, there's some hope they'll come up with meds or other aids that may help shut down addictions.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Denial sets in long before the physical addiction. It's what paves the way. The minute you start using drugs/alcohol/tobacco with the attitude "I can handle it"… you're already well on your way.

 

You're already in denial. You're already chemically dependant. Chances are you're probably very close to becoming physically addicted if you aren't already. Withdrawal symptoms when not using (the crash and/or depression) is one indicator of physical addiction.

 

True, even recreational/occasional use can permanently alter your brain chemicals, particularly its ability to produce natural stimuli. Even when out of your system, it will be difficult to find pleasure in the same every-day things you once found joy in before. Most recovering addicts will almost always substitute one addiction for another. Whether it be alcohol, nicotine, gambling/shopping/credit card addictions, etc.

 

Doesn't matter if you only do drugs on the weekend. Ever hear the term "weekend alcoholic"? The same applies to those who are not comfortable in social settings unless they are "high" or accompanied by their chemical crutch.

 

How do you know whether you have a problem?

 

Well, the litmus test for this is to just STOP using. If you don't have a problem, you shouldn't feel the need or urge to ever pick it up again. It won't even be a second thought. However, I think you already know you're unable to do this, which is why you're struggling so hard to invent excuses for yourself not to even try.

 

If it's already too late and you can't kick this on your own, then please seek help.

 

There is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. The majority of our society is addicted to something. For me, its nicotine, caffeine and this forum! Fortunately, neither of which will land me in jail.

 

Good luck, and please, please take good care of yourself.

[scarlyjones]

Yeah thats a good point. A counselor told this to a patient in treatment that didnt think he was addicted. He was only court ordered. Counselor said "If you really arent addicted,..then it should be absolutely no problem to quit for 90 days." He said "I can,....I just dont WANT to" (with a big sh*t eatin' grin on his face like he was so slick) We all looked at eachother and laughed. THATS ADDICTION. If you only drink on weekends,....but find yourself "clock-watchin' " all week cuz you cant wait til Friday night,....or if you NEVER let a weekend go by that you DONT get drunk,....you have a problem possibly. Or you are in the RED dangerzone.

[Carlawasgood]

How did I get to this point in my life? There's a fork in the road now and I don't know if I'm strong enough to choose the sober path. I've been without coke and alcohol for 2 weeks straight now although I also haven't gone out at all. I was invited out to a party and to dinner but couldn't stand the thought of being sober. I feel so isolated.

 

I just don't understand why no one else wants to party as hard as me?? Don't they find these endless dinners and housewarmings lame? I can't believe how bored and irritated I feel at such mundane social outings. I feel like I have to make the most out of every free moment outside of work. Although the irony is, I've been cooped up at home and working weekends now just to avoid drugs.

 

I don't think I'm ready to give up the only joy I have left in my life. Yet.

[moimeme]

I've been without coke and alcohol for 2 weeks straight now

 

That's excellent! Way to go!

 

couldn't stand the thought of being sober. I feel so isolated

 

Have you considered joining a therapy group? I understand this can be very hard to do alone.

 

I just don't understand why no one else wants to party as hard as me?? Don't they find these endless dinners and housewarmings lame?

 

They get entertainment, enjoyment, pleasure out of good conversation and laughs with friends. Do you never enjoy any of those things anymore?

 

the only joy I have left in my life

 

But it's not real joy. It's not joy at all. It's a false euphoria created by drugs and not based on anything other than the drugs. It's not the joy of a completed assignment that has been praised or seeing something great happen to a friend or delight in being alive. It's just your chemisty being tweaked by manufactured chemicals. Do you really want to sell your life and yourself so short that you'll accept this sad substitute for real life experiences?