Does she even love me? (Updated)

[DisenchantedMan]

Hello!

 

Me and my wife have been married for 9 years now. We were in an on/off relationship for quite awhile before we settled down-we were at odds all the time which led us to break up and then get back together. The longest we've been apart was a month and a half. It was a seriously bad period for both of us. It happened a long time ago but we didn't talk on the phone, we dated other people briefly to try to move on from one another. We ended up making up and getting back together because a good friend of ours helped us realize we were meant to be.

 

Ever since that point on life's been quite easier for us and our relationship's grown significantly. We've had little arguments and stuff but nothing serious like before. We haven't once broken up. We've both matured I presume. The other day we were looking to spice up our sex life, try out new positions and stuff. What I wanted of her was a blowjob as she'd never done that to me before. She refused saying she didn't want it because she wasn't into that type of things. I felt like she was afraid to do it as to the best of my knowledge she'd never given head before so I hugged her, gently stroked her head and told her that she wouldn't let me down even if it was not the best blowjob ever as nobody does it well the first time and there always will be a first time.

 

Her response shocked me. She said she'd done it before. I got a bit sad and asked her when. She said: Remember that time when we were apart for a month and a half...I frequently blew my boyfriend at the time. This response nearly killed me. She didn't cheat or anything like that but because I have feelings for her....she immediately asked me if i was ok and started reminding me that it was all in the past etc. so I eventually came to terms with it but she still refuses to blow me and when I ask her why she goes: I don't like it. Then I go: then how could u do it for someone else u didn't even love...then she goes: that has nothing to do with love I can't believe u associate it with love....

 

I really don't know how to cope because the fact that she'd do this for someone else but not for me-the man she claims to love eats me up.

I love her but she doesn't understand how I feel, she won't walk a mile in my shoes. What should I do?

Edited January 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Please use paragraphs and punctuation

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I agree with you, it doesn't make sense that she would give it to him frequently (her words), and not you. Was it out of desperation to keep him interested, while secretly disgusting her, I don't know?

 

She claims it isn't about love, but she was prepared to please him in that way, but not you, not even once. You would think she should want to please you more as her husband? Something doesn't add up.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable to want an answer to that question.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure I could even continue to date or even have sex for the second time with someone that didn't like oral sex, but that is just me.

 

 

I think you have just cause to be hurt, frustrated and dumbfounded.

 

 

Granted some people simply do not like oral and find it distasteful (no pun intended) If she had said she did it once or even gave it another try and didn't like doing it so she stopped doing it to the other dude, that would at least make sense and be congruent.

 

 

But the fact it was an ongoing thing and we're left to assume he was not forcing her or holding her at gunpoint, that leaves that she has some kind of roadblock with doing oral with you.

 

 

How is the rest of your sexlife?? Is she inhibited and uninspired and unenthusiastic with other areas of your sexlife as well?

 

 

Or she is a wildcat and an enthusiastic and passionate lover in regards to all other aspects of your sexlife and just doesn't like to do oral?

[TX-SC]

Your needs are important, but so are hers. The fact that she did it in the past is no indication that she enjoyed it then. Sex should be enjoyable for both partners. If she is being asked to do something she does not enjoy, how is that a good thing? We sometimes do things to impress people at our own expense. She is comfortable with you and wants to feel good and relaxed. Keep pushing her and you may lose that. If my wife told me that she did anal sex with an ex but absolutely hated it, I sure wouldn't badger her to give me that. But, you need to do what you feel is right for you. If you need that to feel satisfied, you might need to end things and move on. Sex should be fun for both people. Honestly, some people just have hangups about some things. If you love the person, you can work around the hangups, assuming you otherwise have a good sex life.

[road]

It would bother me to no end that my wife did what your wife did and then refuse to do it for me.

 

 

I would ask her being she hated doing BJ's so much how come she did not tell her OM no.

 

 

I could understand her being convinced, or finally curious enough to give it a try. Though to keep on doing it when she does not like it?

[Montsan]

Try going down on her and maybe that will encourage her to reciprocate.

 

 

Oh, god! I just flashed on something. I once dated a girl who loved that, and she was a gusher on top of it.

[Montsan]

I dunno. Who knows what goes on in the minds of women? Except women. Men and women are different. That was profound! One of my favorites has always been, "All you want me for is sex!" That's like dangling a steak in front of someone who is starving and telling him that all he wants to do is to eat.

Edited January 17, 2016 by Montsan

[LoverOfDance]

@Montsan By saying "All you want me for is sex, we are pretty much saying "stop seeing me as a piece of meat". Yet that is exactly what you've just done.

 

OP, your wife has told you that she doesn't like giving bjs. How can you be upset with her for being honest with you? She gave her ex bjs and didn't tell him how she really felt about them because she didn't love him. She is being honest with you because she loves you and also because she feels comfortable with you. Why on earth would you want her to do something you know she doesn't like. It is selfish to do that. If you love her, you wouldn't be trying to make her do something you know she doesn't like.

 

 

Don't be jealous of her old bf because he got bjs from her and you're not getting any. Who cares. She wasn't being herself with him. You're the one she loves and you're the one she feels comfortable enough to be herself with. There's no reason to be upset about this at all. You should be happy. You're the one who got lucky not him.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really don't know how to cope because the fact that she'd do this for someone else but not for me-the man she claims to love eats me up.

 

We're all different but I'd rather have sex with an enthusiastic partner doing things she enjoys than a reluctant one coerced into something she finds unpleasant.

 

Also, I'm going to assume your wife has been consistent in her stance for 9+ years of marriage and courtship. Why the crisis now ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Scarlett.O'hara]

In fairness to the op, I don't think the real issue is about pushing her into giving blow jobs (I mean come on, he has waited nine years to even suggest it). I think the problem for him is the fact that she was willing to do it FREQUENTLY with another guy.

 

I agree that no one should be pushed into doing anything they don't feel comfortable doing, but I can see why this would raise some questions for him. Does she feel the same way towards him sexually etc.. It may not be that extreme, but I think it is understandable to feel a bit hurt and confused by her confession.

 

There would be a big difference between her saying, "yeah I did it with ..... but I didn't like it", and "yeah I did it with ..... frequently". Maybe it was just poor choice of words, but if it upset him it is better to talk about it rather than bottling those feelings up and letting it build a rift between them.

[road]

OP, your wife has told you that she doesn't like giving bjs. How can you be upset with her for being honest with you? She gave her ex bjs and didn't tell him how she really felt about them because she didn't love him. She is being honest with you because she loves you and also because she feels comfortable with you. Why on earth would you want her to do something you know she doesn't like. It is selfish to do that. If you love her, you wouldn't be trying to make her do something you know she doesn't like.

 

 

Don't be jealous of her old bf because he got bjs from her and you're not getting any. Who cares. She wasn't being herself with him. You're the one she loves and you're the one she feels comfortable enough to be herself with. There's no reason to be upset about this at all. You should be happy. You're the one who got lucky not him.

 

 

 

 

Many WW let their wild sides come out with their OM. Does things with/for the OM that she never did for her BH.

 

 

There is reason to be upset with this.

 

 

If the WW cares more for her BH then the OM she should be willing to not let her BH come in 2nd place to the OM.

 

 

I am sure the WW sees this point. Though I think she still says no way I'm not doing that because she knows that her beta husband is not going to dump her.

 

 

While even though she may not like giving BJ's she did this for the OM because she felt that she could not hold onto her OM unless she did it. These actions show that she felt the OM was alpha.

 

 

Now the BH has to stuff his feelings and accept being in 2nd place and keep his marriage. Stuffing feelings can be done though it is not healthy.

 

 

The BH has to resign himself with half a loaf is better than no loaf.

[deepinthewoods]

That is definitely hurtful man, I feel for you. I have similar things going on, more to do with frequency than with actual acts. My partner says she feels like she's slept with too many guys (never gave me the number), and that she was too free with her body when she was younger. Now we are having a nearly sexless relationship, and she's told me she isn't satisfied with our sex, even though I've studied tons how to please a woman, and bought books on tantra, which she hasn't even opened. It's like she isn't even going to give it a chance. She's told me she's had squirting orgasms before, but it's like I can't even figure out how to have sex with her, much less better sex. It is super hurtful. She orgasms always when we make love, I've counted eight times or more, not too sure what the problem is.

 

But yes, it is one of the worst things to deal, when it feels like your woman is not into you sexually. It is amazing how a small act can make a man feel on top of the world. I'm sure women must know this, it astounds me that there is flat out refusal, but hey, it's their body, and they certainly don't need to feel that they are being forced to do something. But it would be nice to be treated at least once in a while.