Role of Physical Attraction, Financial Security in Marriage

[The D Train]

Primarily would like to get input from a female perspective but feel free to chime in.

 

 

While there is a spectrum on how strong marriages how, say if you were in a ho hum or declining marriage, uncertain about future or even a bad marriage (had separate lives aside from living under 1 roof), how does your physical attraction to the spouse and financial security (esp if kids involved) play into your decision to separate, divorce, be unfaithful?

 

 

Say your spouse has put a lot of weight and the physical attraction is not there. What if that spouse provides financial security to you and your kids?

[Montsan]

Sorry I'm not a female respondent, but this sounds like a more in depth look into your predicament, as seen in the Unrequited Love thread. It sounds as though your attraction to your wife has diminished and you are merely going through the motions of marriage. It also sounds as though your wife is the big bread winner.

 

 

Financial situations can always be worked out, maybe over months or maybe even years, but that shouldn't be an overriding factor in a decision you have to make.

[ShatteredLady]

We were 21/22 when we met & now we're 46/47. Obviously we've physically changed a LOT over the years. My H is much heavier etc. honestly I don't care. He's by no stretch of the imagination obese so he's not unhealthy (that would worry me a lot. My friends H is over 300lbs & it terrifies her!).

 

Within reason, I think people are more physically negative when there are a whole host of other issues undermining the marriage. I think my H is a very handsome man. His hair is graying in that sophisticated, charming way...mostly around the sides. I find that yum!

 

You age together. Seeing eachother everyday. Don't really notice. It's not like 'bang' he switched from 22-47 overnight!! I look into his striking, gentle blue/gray eyes & he's still my lovely man he's always been.

 

To be honest it's taken me a long time to get back to 'seeing' him after d-day. Funny how in one conversation a person can turn into a middle aged monster with a gut over his jeans!! I had to be held a lot before I could feel MY man, MY love again.

 

I'm not independently wealthy. Divorce would change our standard of living but that didn't factor into my decision to stay. That was more about our life shared & my love. If I hadn't loved him so much. If I didn't consider him my family to cherish I would of walked, no doubt about it!

 

We're typical 'middle class', big mortgage etc but comfortable. Split what we've got & me & the kids would be ok. We are returning to the UK anyway so once everything's sold & converted from $ into £ we're going to be broke anyway.

 

I'm a bit of a hippy & very isolated in my life so I don't understand the whole "Standing in the community" etc. stuff. Completely irrelevant!!

 

We've got young children & that DID influence my decision not to divorce but if I thought he would do it again or we were generally miserable they would be better off in a safe, secure life with my extended family. I'm still not 100% sure (until he walks into the room & I see his face & imagine living without him & I know I couldn't do it!) mostly. Still confused & hurting a lot.

 

Anyway, for me it's love & a life shared. That's worth fighting for.

[xxoo]

Primarily would like to get input from a female perspective but feel free to chime in.

 

 

While there is a spectrum on how strong marriages how, say if you were in a ho hum or declining marriage, uncertain about future or even a bad marriage (had separate lives aside from living under 1 roof), how does your physical attraction to the spouse and financial security (esp if kids involved) play into your decision to separate, divorce, be unfaithful?

 

 

Say your spouse has put a lot of weight and the physical attraction is not there. What if that spouse provides financial security to you and your kids?

 

Physical appearance doesn't really affect my sexual attraction all that much, so that wouldn't factor in at all.

 

Financial security does factor into my attraction, more than appearance. It would increase my attraction and make me more likely to stay.

 

Why is it ho-hum, though? I'd be more focused on fixing that.

[carhill]

Save for the rare rugged individualist, never underestimate the power of lifestyle and social status. If a lateral or improving move isn't easily available, well, there ya go. Status quo. Of course, people dress things in all kinds of social niceties but, push come to shove, people do what's in their own self-interest. That's not an indictment, rather being human. If it's in their self-interest to maintain a ho-hum marriage, they do that.

[todreaminblue]

i would really, really like to believe that when people marry its for better or worse...that means gaining ,losing wight, unemployment, health issues, mental issues....the whole spectrum of what gets thrown at you....you stay together...side by side.....financial security is not as important to me as emotional and physical security...but then i survived on jelly crystals for a month....in marriage I really feel that if you only exist to stay together if times are good.....then your marriage will fail regardless....

 

 

you have to weather storms not jump ship.....as far as attraction goes......that can always be built back or upon.....takes two to make it happen....deb

[TX-SC]

Male here. My wife and I married when she was 21 and I was 26. We are now 41 and 46. We have changed a LOT in that time. Both of us have gained some weight. She gave birth to two children. I still find her smoking hot. Other guys may or may not. I really have no idea, and don't really care. I have lost some hair too. And, we both have a lot more gray in our hair. Really, that makes little difference. I think attraction does play a part in marriage, but as you grow older together, you appreciate so much more than just looks. There's actually a PERSON under those looks!

 

We both work. We always have. She is a computer programmer and I am an archeologist. We both make decent money, and we are doing pretty dang well for ourselves now that we own our own business. Not rich by any means, but all bills are paid, including owning our house. The kids take money, and college will be a lot of money, but we'll be fine. Even when we just got married, money wasn't a huge deal for us. We just want to retire in a few years and enjoy each other once the kids are off to college.

 

So, to anseer your question. Do looks matter? Yes, and no. If she were a slob and didn't take care of herself, yes it might. But physical aging, gaining some weight, etc., no, not an issue. Money can surely lead to marital problems. But, assuming you can make your payments, it shouldn't be a huge factor if you love each other.

Edited January 16, 2016 by TX-SC

[The D Train]

Physical appearance doesn't really affect my sexual attraction all that much, so that wouldn't factor in at all.

 

Financial security does factor into my attraction, more than appearance. It would increase my attraction and make me more likely to stay.

 

Why is it ho-hum, though? I'd be more focused on fixing that.

 

Yeah my friend who can be into appearances, is into fitness is married to someone who is not and has put on weight but has provided good financial security and they have kids. I wonder how much that financial security keeps my friend handcuffed to the spouse???

[carhill]

Given the huge strides in economic equality which have taken place in my lifetime, IMO what it really comes down to is lifestyle and social strata and a particular couple's focus on that milieu as a definition of their partnership.

 

All else being equal, a couple living a relatively quiet life homeschooling their kids on Mercer Island are going to have a completely different take on the social milieu from the folks living right across the lake in that 66,000 square foot mansion known around the world. I mention that because it's real life, meaning I have a family member living that and who used to keep me updated when Bill was building his place. Same lake, completely different lifestyles and focuses. She and her H are equals, middle class folks and, well, when younger (they're Bill and Melinda's age), they were pretty hot. Still, even if her H was hot physically, Melinda moves in totally different social circles and wouldn't IMO dream of engaging an average, to her, guy even if he was hot and did make a good, even if middle class, Lake Washington, living. No indictment of her, or him, just how life works. Mix the genders up any way you want. People are still people.

[The D Train]

Given the huge strides in economic equality which have taken place in my lifetime, IMO what it really comes down to is lifestyle and social strata and a particular couple's focus on that milieu as a definition of their partnership.

 

All else being equal, a couple living a relatively quiet life homeschooling their kids on Mercer Island are going to have a completely different take on the social milieu from the folks living right across the lake in that 66,000 square foot mansion known around the world. I mention that because it's real life, meaning I have a family member living that and who used to keep me updated when Bill was building his place. Same lake, completely different lifestyles and focuses. She and her H are equals, middle class folks and, well, when younger (they're Bill and Melinda's age), they were pretty hot. Still, even if her H was hot physically, Melinda moves in totally different social circles and wouldn't IMO dream of engaging an average, to her, guy even if he was hot and did make a good, even if middle class, Lake Washington, living. No indictment of her, or him, just how life works. Mix the genders up any way you want. People are still people.

 

My friend came from avg middle class and worked hard thru hs, college and after til marriage. Spouse came from upper class, family money, silver spoon type, grew up in large house with pool tennis courts.

 

 

I just wonder if the financial security plays a large role if the two are different otherwise.

[carhill]

IME, what's important is how they feel about lifestyle now. Everyone is different and it often doesn't matter where they started or how they were socialized. However, old wiring for both men and women, when it comes to partner selection, is hard to unwind. If nature and nurture places them along the traditional role pathways, regardless of their personal life achievements, it's highly likely they'll follow those tapes when selecting a partner, or at least instinctively want to. By partner, I'm referring to a marital partner or equivalent, not sexual partner. Purely sexual relations are a completely different can or worms, hence why we observe married men and women ostensibly 'affairing down' but they'd never leave their spouse and marry that person. It's just a titillating dalliance, often balanced with their social and sexual power in their marriage and/or social milieu. That's how they seem to 'get away with it' and married life and social popularity continues. One either has it or they don't. That's life!

[MissCongeniality]

I am likely the last person to give advice but typically if your unhappy you should say something. I know I'm being a hypocrite but honesty is always best. If you don't be honest with your spouse your family will suffer for it. It's like tearing off a band aid slowly it will hurt so much more and is unnecessary but if you tear it off quickly you'll only feel a short amount of pain.

[basil67]

Have you considered that her earning potential may mean little? Perhaps he simply loves her for who she is.

[BettyDraper]

Many people stay in marriages because of financial security. That's where that saying "It's cheaper to keep her!" comes from. When a man makes far more than his wife, he has a lot to lose in a divorce...especially if he was the breadwinner. A wife will also lose some financial security in a divorce even when she is professionally employed because most couples live based on combined incomes.

 

I can say with confidence that I am not only with my husband because of financial security. We have had very lean times and I was still by his side because I knew that we would achieve our goals eventually. I also loved my husband too much to turn my back on him just because he didn't have money; marriage is for richer or poorer rather than "I'll stay as long as you have money."

 

I find my husband quite sexy. He's bald and he's blessed with piercing blue eyes. I also enjoy his deep and rich voice; my husband has received many compliments on it. My husband is quite tall and he has a very strong jawline. We have both made an effort to lose weight so the two of us look better.

[Whoknew30]

I've read a bit of your posts. You're unhappy yet were worried about your wife going to Vegas with her friends? You're kind of flip flopping all over the place. Get yourself some independent counseling & figure out where your head is at. You seem not to be happy with her, yet still want to tell her what time to come home...it's a little much. Figure out what your problem is, then you can start fixing it.