need to get her back!

[wisconsinfool]

OK this is somewhat of a long story but even typing it out will make me feel better, none of my friends care enough to listen and give me good advice on what to do.

 

I went out with the same girl for 3 years. We were very close, no other girlfriend of mine even comes close to the level which her and I reached. We would be together all the time, always having a good time and really... it's just an unexplainable feeling that comes to my mind when I try to explain it. If it really wasn't love, it was by far the closest I've ever been to love...

 

Anyways, after 3 years she broke up with me out of nowhere for another guy. I was just a wreck, I couldn't even handle seeing her because it just made me feel so bad inside knowing that we weren't together... and even worse if I ever saw her with her new boyfriend. It hurt me so bad, I just couldn't take it and I actually moved out of town just to get away from her. Sounds a little drastic, but at the time it seemd to be a good idea. I lived in another state for 9 months before moving back to my home town.

 

Upon returning, about three months ago, everything was the same as it was before. She was still with him, and I still had to see her with him every once in a while. All the pain which I pushed to the back of my mind when I moved away was all coming back. I had the same horrible feelings day after day. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get over her.

 

This Wednesday (4 days ago) everything changed. I was having a guys night over at one of my friends places, when out of nowhere she phoned me. I saw the number on my Caller ID and my heart started beating faster. It was the frist time she had phoned me in months and months. I wondered why she was phoning me, because her boyfriend hated me and wouldnt even let her speak with me. It was at that point when one of my friends told me that her and her boyfriend had just broken up. I was shocked. She not only wanted me to come see her, but she wanted me to meet her at our old favorite park where we both used to spend alot of time with each other. It was a secluded spot where we could just relax and talk to each other on hot summer days when we were together. I left my friends house and went to see her, I couldn't resist even it did mean ditching out on the guy's night. I told them I was sick and was going to bed.

 

I met her at about midnight at our old spot. We spent hours talking about old times and catching up on things. Throughout the conversation I tried to avoid talking about how much I missed her because I didn't want to cause an awkward situation. We ended up talking until 6AM when the sun came up. At some point in the early morning I couldn't hold it in any longer and just told her everything that was on my mind, abotu how much I missed her, how much I wanted her back, how I've never stopped thinking about her, and eventually broke down and started crying, which caused her to start crying as well. So much for not making things awkward.

 

After basically telling her everything I had been storing up for months, I was waiting for some kind of reply from her. She told me that I was too good for her, and that I deserve a better girlfriend because she isn't good enough for me. She then told me that I should just forget about her. This crushed me; I didn't even know what she was saying.

I thought there was a reason for her phoning me many times in one night to come see her, and her picking our particular spot, and talking until 6AM with me. It just felt like there was more to it than just friends talking.

 

I dont' know what to do, but I will do absolutely anything to get this girl back. I don't know how to attempt to start things off with her again. I definetley came on far too strong when I started telling her everything that I was thinking in my head at the time. I don't know if I should just try to make better friends with her frist, or go right into trying to take her out on dates again. I'm very confused and don't know what to do, all I can think about is getting my old girl back. Thank you for anyone that bothered to read my story, it felt good jsut to get that out.

[rastafari]

i know how you feal man. im not shure if my ex left me for some other guy or not, im just very suspicious and it bugs the sh*t out of me. anyway enough about me.

 

i know you want her back and all, but she left you for someone else. dont take her back, whatever you do. dont be a reserve boyfriend. you put so much time into a 3 year relationship, then she left you for some douchbag that has nothing on you. man i think your ex feels real crappy about what she did, thats probably why she is saying you are too good for her. im shure she knows you like the back of her hand, and she is right. you are way better then her. just think about how much she hurt you. f*** her.

 

see if you never picked up the phone when she called non of that crap would have happened that night. then you wouldnt be hurting even more. so my advice, like a lot of others on here, is NO CONTACT. if she calls dont pick up. if you see her, keep it short and sweet and leave. the more you talk to her the harder its going to be on you. and its all about you.

 

i called my ex sometimes, and she called me at times and i regret it. i would text her too at times, then regret it the second after. so please do yourself a favor and do not talk to her. if she wants you back she will come to you. you could buy her all the dimonds in the world and she will not come back to you, so dont bother trying.

 

damn its soo easy to give advice on here, but so hard to follow your own. damn, what is with that...my dumb a*s almost sent my exe's parents a letter about how much her daughter hurt me....what the hell was i thinking.

[wisconsinfool]

I appreciate your input to my situation, it really made me think. Right now I may not be thinking completely straight, but it just seems like I can maybe try to forget about her, but any other girlfriend I get won't compare to her. I don't even like thinking about being with someone else because she is the only girl I can picture myself with.

[ConfusedInOC]

I know this is going to sound harsh but remember, it's just my opinion:

 

When someone dumps you and then starts calling you again, YOU have the power. Don't give it right back to them. By confirming to her that you missed her, by crying -- you took all the power you had gained and simply handed it back to her on a silver platter.

 

Trust me, I have first hand experience with this. When you had broken contact with her and proven you had moved on, you had the upper hand. Had you played it cool, acted like you didn't want or need her and you had a life of your own, she most likely would have been attracted to you like a magnet.

 

Instead, you basically confirmed to her why she shouldn't be with you because a woman wants to be with a strong, confident man. Unfortunately, you didn't show that to her...

 

Man, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something else I could say. Read "Love Must Be Tough" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" quickly. Maybe you can turn this around...

 

Can I add one last thing? She dumped you for another guy, did she give a reason? Did you guys work on that? I mean, my ex did the same exact thing and slowly but surely I was building up a case to show her how much I had changed and then I did something stupid. I might have wrecked everything but right now I am in NC mode. Nothing more I can do or say will change her heart. Only God can do that now.

 

But for you, there still might be a chance. Start reading the books, gain your confidence and self-esteem back and you just might draw her back.

 

Then again, what do I know???..................................

[suegail]

You might try saying to her that the long night of talking about the past made you more emotional than you'd expected to be. I think what I'm trying to say is the truth is out there, no way to change that, but you could take the edge off by saying that you had an emotional reaction which had much more to do with the past than the present, which in fact I would not consider a lie, because the present and the future (in regards to her) holds the unknown.

 

Try to lighten things up in that way and just say you'd love to stay in touch and see her if she'd enjoy seeing you. Explain that there is no pressure, because that may have been the thing which scared her off, the feeling that there would be pressure because of the intensity of your feelings.

[miss-gonewest]

I think you did the right thing by telling her, and now you just have to play the waiting game.

 

If you were together for 3 years, then you obviously know each other pretty well and have formed some trust together. You know each other well enough and have enough of a bond to at least be good friends, if not partners again down the track.

 

At the end of the day, I look at it like this... I have had bf's breakup with me, and several of them have come back to me after some time, telling me they still loved me and wanted me back... while I didn't get back with any them (for various reasons) I still hold it dear in my heart that they cared, and cared enough to take such a big step in revealing their feelings.

 

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if an ex came back to you and told you they loved you? You'd respect their bravery and if nothing else, you'd be able to go through life knowing that someone really did love you, once upon a time.

 

You really do need to give her some time to digest what you have said.... if you come on too strong, you risk pushing her away and giving up your chance to talk more about what was said the other night. She also has someone else in her life, and you don't want to drive her further into his arms....

 

My rule of thumb is that I'd like to know if someone was in love with me, therefore I don't see it as too much of a crime to let people know how you feel.

 

I was just dumped on the weekend and I want him back and I don't belive that by standing back, not making any contact and possibly never seeing him again is going to achieve that.

 

Even if we don't get back together, even if he laughs in my face and drives me from his life - I will know that I stood up for what I believed in.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself wisconsin, just be patient...

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

I think you did the right thing by telling her, and now you just have to play the waiting game.

 

No, he would have done the right thing by keeping his cool. By breaking down in front of her he immediately changed her perception of him from someone she thought was strong, confident and masculine to a blubbering mound of tears.

 

He could have let her know he was interested without losing his cool. That's exactly what he should have done.

 

 

At the end of the day, I look at it like this... I have had bf's breakup with me, and several of them have come back to me after some time, telling me they still loved me and wanted me back... while I didn't get back with any them (for various reasons) I still hold it dear in my heart that they cared, and cared enough to take such a big step in revealing their feelings.

 

Well, she was feeling him out and he came on far, far too strong. She might care, but this is obviously not what she wants. She thought he might have changed and well, he didn't.

 

You really do need to give her some time to digest what you have said.... if you come on too strong, you risk pushing her away and giving up your chance to talk more about what was said the other night. She also has someone else in her life, and you don't want to drive her further into his arms....

 

He's already pushed her away. He came on extremely strong, with no confidence or calmness. Women want strong, calm, confident men. Trust me on this, he made a big mistake by breaking down like that, if he truly wanted her back.

 

My question still remains. Why did she leave him the first time for another guy? What changed about her in that time-frame? What changed about him? If the answer is nothing then it's obvious it won't work out again.

 

As Universe put it, you can't pick up right where you left off in a relationship. You have to start all over again as friends.

 

My rule of thumb is that I'd like to know if someone was in love with me, therefore I don't see it as too much of a crime to let people know how you feel.

 

You can. You just shouldn't do it by having a total melt-down in front of them.

 

I was just dumped on the weekend and I want him back and I don't belive that by standing back, not making any contact and possibly never seeing him again is going to achieve that.

 

You need to take a step back and give him time to miss you. You need to evaluate what went wrong in the relationship and work on improving yourself in the areas you feel you would benefit the most. Don't change anything for him, change for you.

 

If you initiate all the contact, he will never come back to you. The thing is, it has to be HIS idea to come back to you, NOT YOURS. If it's yours, you can forget it. He needs to miss you.

 

I hate to use the old adage but it works:

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be."

 

That is the case here. If you continue to pursue I can tell you with almost absolute certainty you will not win him back.

 

Focus on making yourself happy. Focus on having a life outside of him. Whatever focus you have, he should not be in your sights right now. I am doing the same with my ex right now. If I pursue her, if I try and convince her she was wrong, she'll never come back. It HAS to be her idea or it won't work. And if she does start pursuing me again, I'll know that we have to start as friends again, from square one.

 

Even if we don't get back together, even if he laughs in my face and drives me from his life - I will know that I stood up for what I believed in.

 

He might do that if you think pursuing him is going to win him back. Relationships are games, like it or not, and your "strategy" usually results in no points on the board.

 

Sorry.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself Wisconsin, just be patient...

 

Wisconsin, I personally think the next time you talk to her apologize for breaking down and just tell her you had a hard day, was tired, etc. Anything to minimize the damage of breaking down in front of her.

[miss-gonewest]

True, keeping his cool would have been the cool thing to do, but he didn't... no point banging on about what has happened, its done.

 

When my ex came back to me, he was so broken down I had to call his friends and put them on suicide watch! Yeah at the time it was a huge drain on me and a turnoff, but the boy obviously was pretty worked up. I had loved him, I knew his personality and I knew where he was coming from... and I still cared for him so I forgave him. And it really did make me consider his request - if he was that upset than surely he truly did care.

 

And yes, he should go back to her and apologise for being so emotional.

 

With regards to me, I haven't contacted him other than sending a text message (with information he required). I would like to send him an email however, apologising for some things that I said in the heat of the moment... he was pretty upset and I feel terrible for that. Yes I want him back, but I understand that there will have to be a whole lot of bridge building going on before that happens.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

True, keeping his cool would have been the cool thing to do, but he didn't... no point banging on about what has happened, its done.

 

No, but it will make him think about it the next time...

 

When my ex came back to me, he was so broken down I had to call his friends and put them on suicide watch! Yeah at the time it was a huge drain on me and a turnoff, but the boy obviously was pretty worked up. I had loved him, I knew his personality and I knew where he was coming from... and I still cared for him so I forgave him. And it really did make me consider his request - if he was that upset than surely he truly did care.

 

You are one of the rare exceptions. At any time, and be honest, did you feel he was....perhaps...."pathetic"???

 

When I cried in front of my Ex, she was sympathetic to me, then bragged to her friends how she had the power to make men cry....

 

And yes, he should go back to her and apologise for being so emotional.

 

Yes, but he needs to do it so that it doesn't seem like he didn't make a mistake, but was having a bad day.

 

With regards to me, I haven't contacted him other than sending a text message (with information he required). I would like to send him an email however, apologising for some things that I said in the heat of the moment... he was pretty upset and I feel terrible for that. Yes I want him back, but I understand that there will have to be a whole lot of bridge building going on before that happens.

 

What happened with you and him or should I go look your threads up? I'll do that now

[wisconsinfool]

Wisconsin, I personally think the next time you talk to her apologize for breaking down and just tell her you had a hard day, was tired, etc. Anything to minimize the damage of breaking down in front of her.

 

I will be with her tomorrow night, not only with her but with a group of our friends. I think it will be a good time to set things straight, I've calmed down a bit since then and I'm going to try to explain things to her without coming on too strong like I did. By the way, you were wondering why she dumped me in the first place? For the last month that we were together, she was cheating on me with the guy who ended up being her boyfriend for the following 9 months. I don't think I changed at all, but I started to suspect something and was always on her case about what she was doing at night, who she was with, etc. I wasn't sure if my suspecions were right, or if I was just being overprotective. This angered her, she would tell me that I can't tell her what to do and that I was worrying over nothing. But, it turned out I had it right all along.

[miss-gonewest]

Wisconsin, tell me straight - why do you want her back if she cheated on you?

 

And if for example you do get back together, will you truly trust her that she won't cheat on you again? I'm not saying she will, but can you really sit at home feeling comfortable and secure if she goes out one night without you?

 

I am on your side here, but just wonder why you'd settle for less? You seem like a pretty good guy...