I don't know what I feel anymore.

[True Gent]

This could be a rant to myself more than anything. I don't know where this post is going or exactly what is going to come out, I just need a release.

 

Currently I feel a mixture of numbness and... Well I don't even know what?

 

Long story short, over 2 years ago my Fiancée left me after 9 years together for someone else. That in turn led to me having to give up our 2 dogs to her as sharing them was no good for anyone.

 

I've been on countless dates since and feel nothing. I really do mean countless dates, I would really struggle to remember them all. I just don't click with any of them. I've met them all as a result of on line dating and it all feels too forced, with high expectations which leads to a feeling of a total waste of time, money and energy.

 

OLD really has totally burned out my social side. I've had more 'get to know you' conversations than I care to remember and I'm just tired of it.

 

There is a woman at work which I don't know, yet seem to have a crush on, we don't work in the same departments. The most we ever do is walk past each other. Just the sight of her and being in any close proximity to her turns me into a shy awkward idiot who can't even remember how to speak. This at least means that I can 'feel' something for another woman since my ex, but I can't even act on it. She isn't even super hot or anything, but something about her really has an effect on me, it's nuts!

 

Back in August my Dad died with cancer, that seems to be having more of an impact on me now than it did when it happened. I haven't cried since he died, at times I feel like it's coming, but nothing happens. Recently though I am noticing I miss my Dad and it just seems like it isn't real what has happened.

 

My Mum is severely disabled from a stroke she had years ago and now she's living alone since my Dad died. I feel so much pressure to keep checking in on her. I obviously want to visit her, but the more I visit the more she expects me to go and I end up getting pressurised from her and I feel incredibly guilty on the days I don't visit her.

 

There is a redundancy situation looming at work. I think I should be ok and survive it, but it's the second wave of redundancies since my Dad died and the whole atmosphere at work is just negative and depressing at the moment. It's a shame as normally it is a fantastic place to work.

 

Since it is currently winter here in the UK I can't get outdoors on my mountain bike as much as I'd like. During the summer I spent a lot of time riding my bike, I became incredibly fit since my breakup and that feels fantastic. My cycling is mainly indoors on a static trainer at the moment to keep my base fitness there, but I'm really missing that buzz form getting out in the sun.

 

Lately I miss my dogs quite a lot too. I see dogs which are similar to mine and I just feel sad. My ex and I do have occasional contact since my Dad died I just wanted someone to talk to who I was close to. We haven't met up, only spoken on the phone and text messages. It failed with the guy she left me for and apparently I was never replaced. She also can't say a single bad word about me so she says. There have been no mentions of a reconciliation, I think it would be a bad idea and a backwards move. Plus she has started seeing someone else again, this just makes me feel like crap because she has moved onto 2 different people since leaving me and I'm still a bit screwed up by what she did to me.

 

Anyway we haven't communicated since new year. She tends to be the one who contacts me first and I don't know if she has an ulterior motive or not when she does.

 

David Bowie dying has struck a chord with me as he was 69 with cancer just like my Dad was. I also like Bowie a lot and it somehow feels personal that he is gone. That's something I never thought I'd feel over a person I didn't even know.

 

Anyway this is just a pointless random burst of crap coming out of nowhere.

 

Lately I feel like being around people is an effort and I can be very cranky and it isn't nice. I have dreams about flirting with women who don't exist, my subconscious creates them. In real life my flirting skills are poor due to a lack of confidence which stems from I don't know where, yet in my dreams I'm a smooth charmer who woo's women. It's really all rather pathetic reading this back to myself.

 

It's not that I can't get laid either. I turned one of the women I met from OLD down recently. I'm just not at all interested in casual sex. I want the connection, not the physical act on it's own.

 

I know some people are much, much more worse off than me. I just had to get this all out as there is nobody I can talk to about it.

 

I know this post is all over the place, but I just don't know what the hell is going on anymore. Overall I'm just totally "meh" about life right now.

Edited January 17, 2016 by True Gent

[TaraMaiden2]

You're suffering from depression. It might even be a mild form of PTSD, given that you were engaged, and had been in a relationship for so long. That, and the sudden loss of your dogs (and I do not put that in any light circumstance; dogs become like children to us, and generate as much emotional attachment) has contributed to a general sense of apathy amd malaise.

 

All this coupled with the thoroughly nondescript, but generally bloody awful weather conditions we have been experiencing in the UK (Yes, I'm from the UK too) and you've also got the possible effect of SAD to consider....

 

Seriously, see your doctor, about some non-addictive temporary medical support and ask to be referred to a therapist for some counselling.

 

It's a start.

 

And yup. I miss cycling too.

[mtnbiker3000]

dogs become like children to us, and generate as much emotional attachment.

 

Don't forget cats. I've had Chuck for over 15 years

 

And yeah, mountain biking kicks ass!!

[whichwayisup]

You've had a lot of losses in the past few years, sorry about your dad and it must be stressful with your mom not being well. And of course Bowie, such an awful loss for all of us fans...That has hit me hard as well.

 

My suggestion is, take care of you. Join a yoga class and do some meditation too. Positive affirmations and self love = You feeling good about yourself and emitting that kind of energy out in the World will attract positives in your life.

 

Spend time with good buddies and have fun!

 

As for dating, well take a break and when you least expect it and aren't looking for it, it'll find you.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are feeling sad but it's not at all surprising, considering the losses you have faced. It is bound to take time to get over them.

 

It also sounds as if you do not feel open to new relationships with women because of the pain and longing for what you had. A blow like that is damaging.

 

The way I look at it is that we are like molecules, bumping into each other and often bouncing off each other. Occasionally, something magic happens and we merge, sometimes for a while, sometimes longer. Why it is so painful when we split off again and move on, I don't know. Once you realise it was nature at some level and that there is real potential ahead for a better match, you may be able to look forward a bit and be open to new possibilities.

 

It seems like you've found someone who interests you. You never know, she might feel the same way

[burnt]

Well, whatever it was, a rant, a ramble, a blog, whatever you call it, I liked it. I liked reading it. I don't mean it was entertaining--I mean it was just nice. As in, there's something very real, honest, and nice about this person I'm reading about.

 

I don't have any suggestions; but thank you for posting. It's a beautiful post.

 

I'm into cycling myself too and the winter months are horrible for that.

I once mentioned it to someone, and he said to me that he loves the winter because he can look at the bare trees with all the things (like birds' nests) in the bare trees that are usually hidden in the summer months.

Since then I can't ever look at the trees in the winter without appreciating the simple beauty in the bare trees. It's like a poetry on its own.

I have learned to take VERY long walks in the winter months, especially while it's snowing.

[True Gent]

You've had a lot of losses in the past few years, sorry about your dad and it must be stressful with your mom not being well. And of course Bowie, such an awful loss for all of us fans...That has hit me hard as well.

 

My suggestion is, take care of you. Join a yoga class and do some meditation too. Positive affirmations and self love = You feeling good about yourself and emitting that kind of energy out in the World will attract positives in your life.

 

Spend time with good buddies and have fun!

 

As for dating, well take a break and when you least expect it and aren't looking for it, it'll find you.

 

That's all good advice, I should spend more time with friends really. I guess I should make the effort even though I feel burned out, it would probably help.

 

 

I am sorry you are feeling sad but it's not at all surprising, considering the losses you have faced. It is bound to take time to get over them.

 

It also sounds as if you do not feel open to new relationships with women because of the pain and longing for what you had. A blow like that is damaging.

 

The way I look at it is that we are like molecules, bumping into each other and often bouncing off each other. Occasionally, something magic happens and we merge, sometimes for a while, sometimes longer. Why it is so painful when we split off again and move on, I don't know. Once you realise it was nature at some level and that there is real potential ahead for a better match, you may be able to look forward a bit and be open to new possibilities.

 

It seems like you've found someone who interests you. You never know, she might feel the same way

 

You are right and I just haven't admitted to myself that missing and longing for what I had has closed me off to something new.

 

There must be something better out there, I mean my relationship with my ex wasn't perfect. I need to remind myself of that, it's really quite horrific how much emotional scaring such a breakup can cause.

 

Well, whatever it was, a rant, a ramble, a blog, whatever you call it, I liked it. I liked reading it. I don't mean it was entertaining--I mean it was just nice. As in, there's something very real, honest, and nice about this person I'm reading about.

 

I don't have any suggestions; but thank you for posting. It's a beautiful post.

 

I'm into cycling myself too and the winter months are horrible for that.

I once mentioned it to someone, and he said to me that he loves the winter because he can look at the bare trees with all the things (like birds' nests) in the bare trees that are usually hidden in the summer months.

Since then I can't ever look at the trees in the winter without appreciating the simple beauty in the bare trees. It's like a poetry on its own.

I have learned to take VERY long walks in the winter months, especially while it's snowing.

 

Thank you for your kind words. It really is nice of you to say that and I'm quite touched. It was a very real and honest 'in the moment' post. I just had to get it all out and writing it was a big relief somehow.

 

 

Thanks to you all for your posts in this thread, I appreciate it.

 

It's good to see get the perspective from others. It's obvious really why I've been feeling this way. When I read it all back, I've been through quite a lot of bad stuff the last couple of years. It's no wonder I'm feeling a bit crappy!

 

I know people who just wouldn't function in my shoes, so I'm a tough cookie really. I need to take it easy on myself and just allow myself some breathing space.

 

I hope this year can be a good one.

[spiderowl]

I'm sure it can be. I loved your writing which echoed some things I've felt too, particularly the bit about Bowie.

 

Having a crush on someone is sweet. It reminds me it is possible x

[M1ke12]

This could be a rant to myself more than anything. I don't know where this post is going or exactly what is going to come out, I just need a release.

 

Currently I feel a mixture of numbness and... Well I don't even know what?

 

Long story short, over 2 years ago my Fiancée left me after 9 years together for someone else. That in turn led to me having to give up our 2 dogs to her as sharing them was no good for anyone.

 

I've been on countless dates since and feel nothing. I really do mean countless dates, I would really struggle to remember them all. I just don't click with any of them. I've met them all as a result of on line dating and it all feels too forced, with high expectations which leads to a feeling of a total waste of time, money and energy.

 

OLD really has totally burned out my social side. I've had more 'get to know you' conversations than I care to remember and I'm just tired of it.

 

There is a woman at work which I don't know, yet seem to have a crush on, we don't work in the same departments. The most we ever do is walk past each other. Just the sight of her and being in any close proximity to her turns me into a shy awkward idiot who can't even remember how to speak. This at least means that I can 'feel' something for another woman since my ex, but I can't even act on it. She isn't even super hot or anything, but something about her really has an effect on me, it's nuts!

 

Back in August my Dad died with cancer, that seems to be having more of an impact on me now than it did when it happened. I haven't cried since he died, at times I feel like it's coming, but nothing happens. Recently though I am noticing I miss my Dad and it just seems like it isn't real what has happened.

 

My Mum is severely disabled from a stroke she had years ago and now she's living alone since my Dad died. I feel so much pressure to keep checking in on her. I obviously want to visit her, but the more I visit the more she expects me to go and I end up getting pressurised from her and I feel incredibly guilty on the days I don't visit her.

 

There is a redundancy situation looming at work. I think I should be ok and survive it, but it's the second wave of redundancies since my Dad died and the whole atmosphere at work is just negative and depressing at the moment. It's a shame as normally it is a fantastic place to work.

 

Since it is currently winter here in the UK I can't get outdoors on my mountain bike as much as I'd like. During the summer I spent a lot of time riding my bike, I became incredibly fit since my breakup and that feels fantastic. My cycling is mainly indoors on a static trainer at the moment to keep my base fitness there, but I'm really missing that buzz form getting out in the sun.

 

Lately I miss my dogs quite a lot too. I see dogs which are similar to mine and I just feel sad. My ex and I do have occasional contact since my Dad died I just wanted someone to talk to who I was close to. We haven't met up, only spoken on the phone and text messages. It failed with the guy she left me for and apparently I was never replaced. She also can't say a single bad word about me so she says. There have been no mentions of a reconciliation, I think it would be a bad idea and a backwards move. Plus she has started seeing someone else again, this just makes me feel like crap because she has moved onto 2 different people since leaving me and I'm still a bit screwed up by what she did to me.

 

Anyway we haven't communicated since new year. She tends to be the one who contacts me first and I don't know if she has an ulterior motive or not when she does.

 

David Bowie dying has struck a chord with me as he was 69 with cancer just like my Dad was. I also like Bowie a lot and it somehow feels personal that he is gone. That's something I never thought I'd feel over a person I didn't even know.

 

Anyway this is just a pointless random burst of crap coming out of nowhere.

 

Lately I feel like being around people is an effort and I can be very cranky and it isn't nice. I have dreams about flirting with women who don't exist, my subconscious creates them. In real life my flirting skills are poor due to a lack of confidence which stems from I don't know where, yet in my dreams I'm a smooth charmer who woo's women. It's really all rather pathetic reading this back to myself.

 

It's not that I can't get laid either. I turned one of the women I met from OLD down recently. I'm just not at all interested in casual sex. I want the connection, not the physical act on it's own.

 

I know some people are much, much more worse off than me. I just had to get this all out as there is nobody I can talk to about it.

 

I know this post is all over the place, but I just don't know what the hell is going on anymore. Overall I'm just totally "meh" about life right now.

 

Dont give up. Don't go in to a date and expect your ex. Instead take the attitude of looking for someone that can teach you something new and exciting. Someone that will ACTUALLY challenge you versus pacify you.

 

Obviously you can get dates, so maybe try going in with the attitude, "what new and exciting thing can I learn from you?"

 

My wife of 22 years cheated on me just recently. We are working on it but if I ever date again do to divorce, I want someone that will challenge me...not in a confrontational way, but more on a "I want to see you grow way".

[misspond]

UK winters are grim in a grey, miserable kind of way and it's not unusual to feel down in the doldrums when you can't joyfully engage in your usual outdoor activities I'm sure (not that I do any, other than walking).

 

You've had so much to deal with in your personal and work life it's no wonder you feel burned out. I'd agree that you should go and talk to your GP. If they decide you you need anti-d's then take them, sometimes a short to medium term course can work wonders. I know it's a cliche but spending time with friends when you're feeling down can work wonders, even if it's only for a few hours. And you're right, you do need to be a bit kinder to yourself - it's good to see that you read back what you wrote and then realised just what you've been through. See, that ramble really did help didn't it?

 

I too felt like I'd lost a friend when I heard the news about Bowie, as did many of my friends. I guess the positive that can be taken from that is that you actually felt an emotion about it, were touched by the passing of someone you'd never met and so were in the company of millions of others who also found themselves slightly non-plussed at what they were feeling. In that sense you're in good company. Let's hope that this is a cathartic stage for you, and that only good comes out of it.

[True Gent]

UK winters are grim in a grey, miserable kind of way and it's not unusual to feel down in the doldrums when you can't joyfully engage in your usual outdoor activities I'm sure (not that I do any, other than walking).

 

You've had so much to deal with in your personal and work life it's no wonder you feel burned out. I'd agree that you should go and talk to your GP. If they decide you you need anti-d's then take them, sometimes a short to medium term course can work wonders. I know it's a cliche but spending time with friends when you're feeling down can work wonders, even if it's only for a few hours. And you're right, you do need to be a bit kinder to yourself - it's good to see that you read back what you wrote and then realised just what you've been through. See, that ramble really did help didn't it?

 

I too felt like I'd lost a friend when I heard the news about Bowie, as did many of my friends. I guess the positive that can be taken from that is that you actually felt an emotion about it, were touched by the passing of someone you'd never met and so were in the company of millions of others who also found themselves slightly non-plussed at what they were feeling. In that sense you're in good company. Let's hope that this is a cathartic stage for you, and that only good comes out of it.

 

Yes indeed my little ramble did help. Especially when others read it and give me an unbiased perspective on it too such as yourself.

 

I know what's being said about going to the GP and honestly if I was just feeling low without an obvious cause I would. I just think that when there are obvious reasons for me feeling a bit peed off I don't think medication is the answer.

 

I've been outdoors on my bike this week and the difference that makes to lifting my mood is incredible. I think I'm really missing the summer and being outdoors in the sunshine. I'm not getting the same high from exercise indoors like I do outdoors. I think this alone will make a big difference when the longer days come around again.

 

This week I should find out about the redundancies at work, this hanging over my head hasn't been helping. Especially when it's the topic of conversation every day at work. I do think I should be ok and keep my job, but until it's 100% it's been an added stress.

 

I appreciate the responses, it does help a lot! Hopefully the next few months will bring an improvement and some good things will start happening. If not I'll see about counselling, but I think I may be able to bring myself back to normal if I allow myself the space to do so.

[Snakechammah]

I'm sorry to hear things haven't been good for you lately. But luck, like the tide, will change in time.

 

It's nice to have a crush, you'd never know if she could be the one you really marry. I hope you do something about it. I wish you all the best.

 

I'm sorry you wasted all those years with your fiancee. I guess it's really hard to know the person you love today could ultimately break your heart in the worst possible way years later.

 

I'm single and has been for most of my life - I wish I could find someone to love and reading your thread, I feel so angry/upset/jaded/shortchanged that your fiancee had someone to love, someone loyal and loves her back, yet she didn't appreciate it. While somewhere in the world, (lots of) women like me, who have boundless love to give, yearn for the day to meet a good man who would love us back.

 

Just know you will be alright, and love will happen again. It always does. Stay positive and remember to take care of yourself - first and foremost!

[misspond]

I know what's being said about going to the GP and honestly if I was just feeling low without an obvious cause I would. I just think that when there are obvious reasons for me feeling a bit peed off I don't think medication is the answer.

 

Hopefully the next few months will bring an improvement and some good things will start happening. If not I'll see about counselling, but I think I may be able to bring myself back to normal if I allow myself the space to do so.

 

To be honest I think that you can do without the counselling, all it offers is a place to indulge yourself with all of the ***** you think is making your life horrible. But you have actually dealt with some horrible stuff and are still dealing with it (because your mum needs your support whilst you're still working through a lot of aftermath) and I admire the way you're dealing with it. Just don't forget that prolonged period of depression ("I'm rubbish/I did deal with a lot of stuff...../but I'm still rubbish and don't deserve some help", thoughts) mean that you can get a little help from your GP. Sometimes even filling out their, "how depressed am I?" forms can hep you gain a better grip.