[I was] Asked for a divorce

[DevastatedDiva]

My not so perfect 13 year marriage is about to be taken away from me. After 4 months of therapy which concluded 2 weeks ago on the verdict of "we love each other, we are committed to working on it", I got asked for a divorce Friday because I said we needed to go on holiday ( haven't been for 2 years) and I said I'd like a different house.

 

The response: "I'm unhappy. You're unhappy. Let's divorce."

 

 

 

I want to die.

[sandylee1]

My not so perfect 13 year marriage is about to be taken away from me. After 4 months of therapy which concluded 2 weeks ago on the verdict of "we love each other, we are committed to working on it", I got asked for a divorce Friday because I said we needed to go on holiday ( haven't been for 2 years) and I said I'd like a different house.

 

The response: "I'm unhappy. You're unhappy. Let's divorce."

 

 

 

I want to die.

 

Did you want a joint holiday or to go alone?

 

Either way I wonder why that resulted in a request for a divorce.

 

You know very often people seek counselling while they are actively in affairs....then they use any excuse to bail out.... so it looks like they gave it their all.

 

Do you have kids?

What are your ages?

 

What's causing the unhappiness for both of you?

[DevastatedDiva]

Hi,

 

Here is some further detail. We are 50 and 45. There isn't any cheating and I am the one who initiated therapy. We don't have any children. (This is a response I put on another thread in the breakup section to a person who wrote a story called "Broken")

 

Things have been less than joyous for years. My partner has grown more and more distant and uninterested in me as rime has gone on. We haven't had sex in 10.5 years because my spouse "doesn't feel sexual anymore" and "want s to be celibate". My spouse has mild Asperger's. I tried for 2 years to work on this, there are no physical issues. It's just the preference. I've sadly accepted it because my vows mean something to me. I'm feeling like a total failure. It's been a very sad life.

 

I've been in therapy for 2 years and we went to M/C for 4 months whereby it was agreed that we would continue the marriage because we love each other and are committed to the marriage. Within 2 weeks (just days ago) I was told that the marriage wouldn't be continuing.

 

My whole life is upside down. The thought of living in the same house together while whatever has to happen, happens is sick-making. This house is both of ours, it's worth about £1,000,000 with a small mortgage. We don't have any children. There is pretty much no debt but all our savings went into pensions so only a small amount in the way of liquid cash. The house has to be sold and I'm tied up I think until that happens.

 

The fact that I will now face the future alone is unbelievable. I gave up my whole life in my home country for this marriage. My belief that if I just tried hard enough everything would work out was totally wrong.

[Tayla]

A fresh pair of eyes here. Noticed you value the vows. And your partner does not. So you wish to stay when that is the foundation.

 

Not sure you had a marriage counselor worth paying. What do you think the counseling did for the marriage?

 

Sorry to hear of this, once the shock wears off... you'll be more apt to resolve your future plans. I can imagine this news jarring you... so sad.

[DevastatedDiva]

A fresh pair of eyes here. Noticed you value the vows. And your partner does not. So you wish to stay when that is the foundation.

 

Not sure you had a marriage counselor worth paying. What do you think the counseling did for the marriage?

 

Sorry to hear of this, once the shock wears off... you'll be more apt to resolve your future plans. I can imagine this news jarring you... so sad.

 

The counsellor did as much as possible I guess. Asperger's folks even if they are mild are difficult to reach. Why is what I keep asking myself. My partner also believes that there has to be sunshine and roses every day to be successful. No one can ever have a feeling, a disagreement or be upset because that is considered "attacking".

 

I'm pretty much feeling completely alone and lost.

[Tayla]

I have little knowledge directly or otherwise on asperbergers. Other then an inabilty to have empathy or correlate on social norms.

So I'll take your word on how your spouse may adapt.

 

The why will be answered in due time... for now, comfort and be willing to grieve this decision. Sounds like you are agreeing to the divorce... has the partner packed up yet?

 

I sincerely hope you have friends who can help you thru this... its not easy when only one of you is being sensible...

[DevastatedDiva]

I have little knowledge directly or otherwise on asperbergers. Other then an inabilty to have empathy or correlate on social norms.

So I'll take your word on how your spouse may adapt.

 

The why will be answered in due time... for now, comfort and be willing to grieve this decision. Sounds like you are agreeing to the divorce... has the partner packed up yet?

 

I sincerely hope you have friends who can help you thru this... its not easy when only one of you is being sensible...

 

 

I'm not in agreement but I have no choice. No my partner has no intention of leaving until the whole thing is over. It seems possible that there will be an offer to buy me out but that will take some time. I'd love to run away but I've no where to go. To say I am humiliated and embarrassed is the understatement of the year.

 

I wish I knew what to do. In a strange country with no real support network isn't ideal. All this crying isn't helping I don't guess.

[Popsicle]

13 years... that's a good run to try.

 

From what I've read of what you've posted, I've gotta say, I agree with your husband, your marriage sounds dead in the water. You still have some life in you so it makes no sense to live the rest of your life in misery. You gave it a good run. Let it go. Be optimistic about your new future.

[DevastatedDiva]

I have no choice but to let it go. But I believe in vows. It means something. Marriage isn't a disposable commodity in my eyes. It seems to me that many people do think it is.

[LoveMyCat]

Saying vows does not make a marriage. Working things out together, building a life together, sharing pasttimes and goals, and yes, having sex, are more what a marriage is about. I don't think you have had a marriage in a long time. The vows become meaningless if there is nothing behind them from one partner. You are not too old to find happiness in your life. Don't dwell on the fact of a "failed" marriage, focus on making the rest of your life fulfilling. It can't possibly be now,the way you describe it. And if possible, stay with a friend, or ask him to, for as much of the time it takes to settle the house as possible. You are just asking for more pain. Since he wants the divorce, he should move out for now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Things have been less than joyous for years. My partner has grown more and more distant and uninterested in me as rime has gone on. We haven't had sex in 10.5 years because my spouse "doesn't feel sexual anymore" and "want s to be celibate". My spouse has mild Asperger's. I tried for 2 years to work on this, there are no physical issues. It's just the preference. I've sadly accepted it because my vows mean something to me. I'm feeling like a total failure. It's been a very sad life.

 

With all due respect to both to you and your vows, why would you want to stay?

 

13 years is plenty of time to establish compatibility and there hasn't been much success. Both of you deserve happiness and neither seems to fulfill the other.

 

Wasting the rest of your life - and his - isn't an act of love...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DevastatedDiva]

This place is a it confusing. I've read how people have major affairs. Have sex with multiple people, lie to their spouses, their children, parents, destroying their nuclear families and their extended families and it seems like the advice to the woman with the cheating husband gets "go to therapy, be better and reconcile" a man with a cheating wife gets "dump her! Get tested for diseases! Divorce immediately!"

 

We are none of those things. No drug or alcohol abuse. No infidelity. No gambling or reckless spending. Both university graduates who are employed later in life people. We lived together 2 years before we got married in my home country very happily. We have our issues. I'm a workaholic, my partner has Asperger's. Both of our parents divorced when we were infants. Most of mine is deceased, my partner's aren't close. We grew apart. We went to MC. Decided to stay together. Now this.

 

It's possible that D is going to be the right thing (or just what I have to learn to live with). It seems unbelievable that there are no suggestions on any ways we might work it out. Maybe I'm blind and naive thinking that marriage means something and it's worth the effort to save. No one gave me lessons in how to be a wife. I made it up as I went along.

 

It's bizarre to me that cheating people get support and advice and my news is "get over it"

 

Maybe that's what I need to do.

 

But why ever get married? Do marriage and vows mean nothing?

[dreamingoftigers]

I've noticed that most of the responses are geared toward you getting a divorce and that its just totally okay.

 

I really get where you are coming from. I too held on and clung to my sexless marriage with my withholding husband for years, largely afraid of breaking my vows.

 

The marriage deteriorated severely. He really didn't "get it." Until we split up. Then we started to drift apart and he got it. But we also had a long history involving other factors. I don't know how wirn your foundation is or how capable your husband would even be of any of that.

 

But the sexless aspect (10.5 of 13 years is horrendous) is so crushing to your self-esteem etc. It is simply too big a sacrifice to make to someone that is withholding a BASIC requirement of the marital contract. He isn't honouring or cherishing you by doing so.

 

In fact, I believe withholding intimacy in a marital relationship is a firm of abuse. (Barring obvious medical reasons or psychological trauma that the "incapable" spouse fully commits to resolve to the best of their ability.)

 

This is an adult make who understood what marriage entailed and then flipped the script on you.

 

That is not okay.

 

Frankly, so many victims of being degraded stay for the vows when they are with someone who used their own vows to wipe their own arse.

 

Marriage is a partnership designed to be mutually beneficial, not indentured servitude indefinitely. Marriage should build both parties up, not degrade one or both.

 

Often I have heard women say their husband has "Aspberger's" but really the guy us just abusive.

 

Frankly, if you want to stay in this marriage it sound as though you must completely subvert your needs to his order, cut off any desire for intimacy, make no complaints (best to just be silent), have no feelings and go along with his other unreasonable expectations.

 

That isn't a marriage. That's a prison sentence. No, wait, prison sentences allow for conjugal visits.

 

There's nothing reasonable or fair about this.

 

Once you are away from it, and things normalize, you will see just how narrow the walls were.

 

I am so sorry. I know the grief and rejection seem unbearable. And you probably are heavily invested and attached. That's VERY hard being invested on someone that does not reciprocate in a healthy, intimate way. It's exhausting and soul-suffering.

 

I don't believe that saving a childless marriage with such an imbalance is at all healthy or fair.

[TaraMaiden2]

^^Everything dreamingoftigers wrote, I wholeheartedly support and consider duplicate, with bells on. If I could treble-like it, I would.

 

Read it several times over; here be common sense carved into a diamond.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's bizarre to me that cheating people get support and advice and my news is "get over it"

 

Many "cheating people" report otherwise satisfying and fulfilling relationships - including the sexual portion. In other words, there's a base to build on assuming one wants to do the hard work of reconciling.

 

You describe a bottomless pit of despair and a sexual wasteland. Can't speak for others but I don't feel I'd be doing you a service advising you to continue to suffer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DevastatedDiva]

Many "cheating people" report otherwise satisfying and fulfilling relationships - including the sexual portion. In other words, there's a base to build on assuming one wants to do the hard work of reconciling.

 

You describe a bottomless pit of despair and a sexual wasteland. Can't speak for others but I don't feel I'd be doing you a service advising you to continue to suffer...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

How satisfying and fulfilling can your marriage be in any regard if you betray and disrespect your spouse by sneaking around behind their backs, lying and scheming so you can have sex with someone else behind their back?

 

Maybe my marriage is beyond repair but the above is really wide of the mark.

[carhill]

Well, since there's no infidelity or deception going on here, no sense in discussing it. It sounds like you're soliciting advice and experience to handle next steps.

 

Does your country have mediation in divorces like we have here in the US? If so, suggest it. Your H wants to divorce. He's welcome to change his mind at any time, as are you. For now, that's his mind and it takes two for a partnership to function. For now, explore the dissolution and see where that goes.

 

Also, spend some time, make it a job, to form more social connections and friendships. They can be enormously beneficial whether you divorce or not.

 

Lastly, even though MC didn't work, there's nothing stopping you from getting IC to provide a venue and tools to get through whatever comes in a healthy manner. Leave the door open for more MC if your H changes his mind.

 

I tend to align more with those who mentioned 'it was a good run'. I didn't used to but that was predominantly how my exW viewed marriage and I came to see the value and health in that perspective. If it doesn't flow, let it go.

 

Best wishes and you'll get through it. One day at a time.

[DevastatedDiva]

Well, since there's no infidelity or deception going on here, no sense in discussing it. It sounds like you're soliciting advice and experience to handle next steps.

 

Does your country have mediation in divorces like we have here in the US? If so, suggest it. Your H wants to divorce. He's welcome to change his mind at any time, as are you. For now, that's his mind and it takes two for a partnership to function. For now, explore the dissolution and see where that goes.

 

Also, spend some time, make it a job, to form more social connections and friendships. They can be enormously beneficial whether you divorce or not.

 

Lastly, even though MC didn't work, there's nothing stopping you from getting IC to provide a venue and tools to get through whatever comes in a healthy manner. Leave the door open for more MC if your H changes his mind.

 

I tend to align more with those who mentioned 'it was a good run'. I didn't used to but that was predominantly how my exW viewed marriage and I came to see the value and health in that perspective. If it doesn't flow, let it go.

 

Best wishes and you'll get through it. One day at a time.

 

Thank you for your kind remark. I will do my best and I am in IC.

 

It's a very painful time and the support is appreciated.

 

There is mediation here. I didn't ask for the divorce, so I do not feel responsible for starting the process.

As you and some other people suggest I need to gather my wits.

[carhill]

Since your H has asked for the divorce, you're welcome to ask for mediation if that is something you wish to explore.

 

What do you want to happen? Then, what steps do you envision taking to seek or promote or to effect it happening? Those are aspects to task the IC with. Clarify what you want and how to go about communicating and seeking it and, further, accepting the results. This is one place IC can be really helpful, since it's all about you. In MC, the marriage is the client and the spouses are tasked to serve the marriage and benefit it. In IC, you benefit and serve yourself. I'd still leave MC on the table as long as you personally believe the marriage has a chance. Don't foreclose on it until it's clear in your mind. At some point, if it's gone, yep, you'll have to accept that. IC can help with that.

[Mr. Lucky]

How satisfying and fulfilling can your marriage be in any regard if you betray and disrespect your spouse by sneaking around behind their backs, lying and scheming so you can have sex with someone else behind their back?

 

That's a very simple view of a complicated issue. If that equation was always true - cheating = bad marriage - there would be no substance for the shock and bewilderment many betrayed spouses feel. One could always say bad marriage, should have seen infidelity coming. Not the case.

 

Maybe my marriage is beyond repair but the above is really wide of the mark.

 

DD, I'm on your side . As an outside observer, I'm just asking how much more time do you want to invest in a relationship that:

 

1). Makes you miserable

2). Has been sexless for a decade

3). You've made substantial good faith efforts to cure

4). Your partner seems determined to leave

 

I don't see the value in martyrdom...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DevastatedDiva]

That's a very simple view of a complicated issue. If that equation was always true - cheating = bad marriage - there would be no substance for the shock and bewilderment many betrayed spouses feel. One could always say bad marriage, should have seen infidelity coming. Not the case.

 

 

 

DD, I'm on your side . As an outside observer, I'm just asking how much more time do you want to invest in a relationship that:

 

1). Makes you miserable

2). Has been sexless for a decade

3). You've made substantial good faith efforts to cure

4). Your partner seems determined to leave

 

I don't see the value in martyrdom...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Cheating does not = good marriage

[DevastatedDiva]

Since your H has asked for the divorce, you're welcome to ask for mediation if that is something you wish to explore.

 

What do you want to happen? Then, what steps do you envision taking to seek or promote or to effect it happening? Those are aspects to task the IC with. Clarify what you want and how to go about communicating and seeking it and, further, accepting the results. This is one place IC can be really helpful, since it's all about you. In MC, the marriage is the client and the spouses are tasked to serve the marriage and benefit it. In IC, you benefit and serve yourself. I'd still leave MC on the table as long as you personally believe the marriage has a chance. Don't foreclose on it until it's clear in your mind. At some point, if it's gone, yep, you'll have to accept that. IC can help with that.

 

I wanted the lifetime commitment we swore to uphold, being a team.

 

Obviously that's not looking possible so I need to accept the outcome.

 

To be honest I'm not sure what I want. I probably don't want to stay here but I have nowhere to go back to in my home country. My parents are gone. To add more to feeling off base, I changed jobs after 13 years with my old company and I've been at my new job.... 6 days.

[DevastatedDiva]

I've noticed that most of the responses are geared toward you getting a divorce and that its just totally okay.

 

I really get where you are coming from. I too held on and clung to my sexless marriage with my withholding husband for years, largely afraid of breaking my vows.

 

The marriage deteriorated severely. He really didn't "get it." Until we split up. Then we started to drift apart and he got it. But we also had a long history involving other factors. I don't know how wirn your foundation is or how capable your husband would even be of any of that.

 

But the sexless aspect (10.5 of 13 years is horrendous) is so crushing to your self-esteem etc. It is simply too big a sacrifice to make to someone that is withholding a BASIC requirement of the marital contract. He isn't honouring or cherishing you by doing so.

 

In fact, I believe withholding intimacy in a marital relationship is a firm of abuse. (Barring obvious medical reasons or psychological trauma that the "incapable" spouse fully commits to resolve to the best of their ability.)

 

This is an adult make who understood what marriage entailed and then flipped the script on you.

 

That is not okay.

 

Frankly, so many victims of being degraded stay for the vows when they are with someone who used their own vows to wipe their own arse.

 

Marriage is a partnership designed to be mutually beneficial, not indentured servitude indefinitely. Marriage should build both parties up, not degrade one or both.

 

Often I have heard women say their husband has "Aspberger's" but really the guy us just abusive.

 

Frankly, if you want to stay in this marriage it sound as though you must completely subvert your needs to his order, cut off any desire for intimacy, make no complaints (best to just be silent), have no feelings and go along with his other unreasonable expectations.

 

That isn't a marriage. That's a prison sentence. No, wait, prison sentences allow for conjugal visits.

 

There's nothing reasonable or fair about this.

 

Once you are away from it, and things normalize, you will see just how narrow the walls were.

 

I am so sorry. I know the grief and rejection seem unbearable. And you probably are heavily invested and attached. That's VERY hard being invested on someone that does not reciprocate in a healthy, intimate way. It's exhausting and soul-suffering.

 

I don't believe that saving a childless marriage with such an imbalance is at all healthy or fair.

 

Thank you for this. My partner actually has Asperger's. It manifests in extremely pedantic and exacting behaviour which is often quite rude. An example would be:

 

There is a jar filled with jellybeans. You are describing it to someone, and say "I have a jar with 100 jellybeans in it". If my partner hears this, and somehow knows differently, without any regard for context or company bellows out: "you're lying! You're wrong. There are 98 jellybeans in the jar!".

 

Brilliant doctor, you bet. Fun to make small talk with? Not so much.

 

Did you and your partner divorce?

 

If so how did you get through it?

 

Thank you

[dreamingoftigers]

How satisfying and fulfilling can your marriage be in any regard if you betray and disrespect your spouse by sneaking around behind their backs, lying and scheming so you can have sex with someone else behind their back?

 

Maybe my marriage is beyond repair but the above is really wide of the mark.

 

I honestly don't think comparing your marriage to other marriages is really effective in helping you through the obvious pain you have going on in your own.

 

I've experienced adultery (not as the adulterer), being married to an addict, abuse, sexless marriage and other traumas that aren't really a lot of things that I would like to rehash.

 

Frankly, doing a side-by-side comparison of all of them is kind of..... a personal exercise and someone who has been through a similar range of things MAY come up with the same opinion of "which is worse" or they MAY come up with a completely different ranking.

 

Frankly, the age and experience in which I experienced each of these was significant, as was my ability to cope (and set appropriate boundaries, or just plain EXIT). Most people would have their own subject comparisons to which was "worst" to deal with.

 

However, most would probably agree as well that all were TERRIBLE and not something one was expected to soldier on through.

 

Rarely do decent people suggest slugging your way through a relationship of any kind that degrades you or causes deep psychological harm. (Except I notice a tendency to except parental relationships from this, which I think is sick. There's a whole bunch of "but it's your Mom and/or Dad, they are just looking out for you" even if the behaviour is extremely abusive is almost every other instance. There seems to be a subset of people that assume parents "always" love their kids or "have the best intentions." No, that isn't the case).

 

I really hope that despite the very clear trauma you've been through (and yes, it's traumatic to live side-by-side with constant rejection and the stifling of your feelings and expression) and the grief, and the hope that you've held for so long of things improving......

 

.....that you might come to sort the chaff from the wheat in your marriage, realizing that many people will not understand "why" you chose to "stick it out" for so long. Or that they cannot see the things you value about your partner. Or that perhaps they DO, but know that overall, this is not a relationship that is uplifting or sustainable without a huge power-imbalance and over-sacrifice on your behalf.

 

I sincerely believe that your loyalty and emphasis on fixing your relationship for such a length of time show you to be a valuable partner. Unfortunately, paradoxically, you are with someone that is completely oblivious to that and does not (perhaps CAN NOT) appreciate, validate and reciprocate your efforts.

 

Furthermore paradoxically, the most logical thing to do with your partnership, instead of trying to change the map so clearly laid out before you, is to leave and find a better-suited partner (if you so choose).

 

It is confusing to people like us to see a "healthy divorce" in some cases. And unfortunately sexless marriage is almost a conundrum scripturally and morally. It is something that can be very confusing to navigate if you aren't a "conventional" person who "seeks the utterly perfect relationship."

 

But frankly, IMHO, it is just cause for the termination of a marriage given the length of time, efforts placed in and the complacency of your partner.

 

A very challenging thing to accept, overcome and even try to explain or argue on the way out the door. It is such an unfortunate thing to have thrust upon you and I deeply sympathize.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your kind remark. I will do my best and I am in IC.

 

It's a very painful time and the support is appreciated.

 

There is mediation here. I didn't ask for the divorce, so I do not feel responsible for starting the process.

As you and some other people suggest I need to gather my wits.

 

In the end, he may not file for divorce.

 

On many occasions within my marriage, my husband threatened and I simply said, "well then, go get one. Quit wasting my time if that's what you want to do." I meant it.

 

At the time I did not want the divorce until I had exhausted my options to "try." If he was unhappy and wanted a divorce and felt he had "given his all" then he was more than free to make that decision for himself.

 

But I do urge you not to stay on as a point of argument. At this point with a 10+ year sexless marriage whomever signs the paperwork acknowledging that you aren't exactly "clicking" isn't the "loser" here.