Newly Married But Wanting Out

[Dejected71]

Hi, everyone. I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible. I met my husband at work. Knew him for several years in passing but really got to know him over a 2, almost 3 year period. We had very similar interests and backgrounds. He's 7 months older than me, had never been married, no children, owned his home -- the perfect catch. Both of us were in our 40's and were way past the bar/club scene. When we first started "dating" we were really just going to movies, hanging out. Both of us had been hurt in the past (he had been used financially by numerous women) and wanted to tread lightly.

 

Fast forward to May '15. He proposed, I accepted. I thought we would be engaged for a while (but not TOO long; I don't believe in 5 year engagements) but he didn't want to wait until next year (this year, actually). We got married Oct 2, 15. In the short months leading up to the actual marriage, I asked him time and time again if he was sure. I knew he could be flaky and wishy-washy about certain things and I wanted to make absolutely sure he was ready. He assured me he was.

 

Well, the luster has quickly wore off. I haven't worked in over a year (which he knew going into this) but I've been looking for jobs, albeit unsuccessfully. That makes me feel bad enough because I have always been quite independent. I moved into his home and as uncomfortable as it was, tried to make it my own as well. Let's just say, I feel like I'm living with my cousin.

 

Our intimate life has deteriorated into once or twice every month and a half or so. We went to a counselor a few times but he just gave lip service to her suggestions. It was in one ear, out the other. When I mentioned the lack of intimacy in our counseling session, his excuse was that he is tired (he enrolled in an online university at the end of '14). Funny, he's not too tired to play video games for hours. He's really stopped being affectionate towards me altogether. Those kisses and hugs he lavished upon when we dated have completely disappeared. I feel like a stranger in hostile territory because everything I do, no matter what, is looked down upon, is wrong.

 

I have tried to give him as much space as possible by giving him time to decompress when he comes in from work and giving him plenty of "me" time and not bothering him -- short of just moving into the basement altogether -- but it's not enough. He claims he's having a hard time adjusting, that he's lost his independence. But he doesn't seem to be trying very hard to adjust. He just wants to keep everything as it was before our marriage. He's distant and cold towards me. What he fails to understand (and acknowledge) is that this is a huge life change for me too. I have moved into a completely different house on a completely different side of town. Before, I would just get my dinner and take care of myself and be done. Now I have a husband (& his cat) to see to.

 

I have asked my parents (who have been together and married 50+ years) for advice. What am I doing wrong? Why is he treating me like this? They both tell me it is going to take time, that we were both in our 40's when we got married and to have patience. I have tried that but I am doing all the heavy lifting. I had a separate session with our counselor and even she told me that I'm giving a lot more than I am receiving. At this point, I'm tired. He's not meeting me halfway, or even 1/3 of the way. Everything is HIS way or the highway -- from not allowing me to have a clock on the wall, to complaining about the "clutter" (i.e., small appliances) on the kitchen counter.

 

I am finding that as my unhappiness goes up, my love for him goes down. It's not worth it to me anymore. I didn't expect marriage to be sunshine and lollipops every day forever, but I thought I would have some kind of a grace period before it went south. If this is what I can expect, I just want to pick up my toys now and go home because it's not going to get any better. I can do bad by myself.

 

I am at my wit's end. What he doesn't seem to realize is that I'm falling out of love with him every day more and more. I am starting to see the utter selfishness, arrogance and self-absorption that I cannot believe I missed when dating him. I thought I had done my "due diligence" but apparently he had me fooled completely.

 

My mother doesn't want me to "give up" because it's only been 3+ months but I'm only human and this is wearing me down to the point that I'm depressed and anguished every single day. I'm not so proud as to know when I admit defeat.

 

Am I missing something? What more can I do? To quote Bonnie Raitt, "...I can't make you love me...if you don't..."

 

Thanks for your attention.

 

Desperate in the Midwest

[Montsan]

You're in a hopeless situation that will never get better. You can't stoke dead embers. Get out now.

[RySant]

Sounds like my mom and her second husband. She waited years before she went out. Greatest regret of her life.

 

Decide.

[anika99]

Did you just move in with him once you got married or did you move in before the wedding?

 

If things have only gone downhill over the past three months then I don't know what to think. Maybe it is just an adjustment thing. Did your husband ever live with a woman before you? Maybe your husband has intimacy issues and if that's the case I don't see this getting better anytime soon if at all.

 

I think you should just talk honestly and openly with him. Tell him that you are thinking the marriage was a mistake and that it might just be best to end it. Maybe even just separate for now while your husband figures out why he is not making room for you in his home and in his life.

 

I don't know that your parents fully understand what you are going through. How awful it must feel to get married to a person that you love and trust only to have that person suddenly go cold on you and treat you like an outsider to their life. That is a serious situation. This isn't going to get better without him being willing and participating. Talk to him, let him know how serious this is and if he still shows no interest then you have to go. What's the point of staying in this miserable situation.

[Dejected71]

Thanks for the quick replies.

 

No, he had never lived with anyone (man or woman) before our marriage and neither had I (except for a roommate years ago). We didn't live together at all before the marriage.

 

I'm trying SO hard to allow him to adjust but he just doesn't seem to be able to do that. Without sounding too selfish, I have needs too (emotional and physical) that I'm putting on the back burner to allow him to adjust.

 

What's so hard and feels like a kick in the teeth, is that I've had NO issues with him. Maybe I had more realistic expectations about marriage; his parents fought like cats and dogs for years and finally split up when he was ~19 so he didn't have a great example. What's even worse: he's the one who pushed the date. My brother passed away in March (he had been very sick for a long time), my husband proposed in May and we were married in October. HE didn't want to wait and reassured me he was ready.

 

Now I feel lied to and betrayed on a core level because he was either lying to me then or to himself.

[whichwayisup]

Try marriage counseling with him and go from there. If things don't get any better by summer time, then consider separating and divorcing. Do you love him?

[nittygritty]

If he has been used financially in the past by numerous women, you not working would probably be a major concern if he is used to being independent. Are you able to financially contribute to the marriage? Are you on unemployment? Or are you totally financially dependent on him? Are there really no jobs in your area? Or are you unwilling to take temporary jobs until you find something in your field?

 

You said that you met him at work and that he has never been married and has no children and owned his own home. You described him as "the perfect catch". Have you been married before do you have any children? Do you have financial debt from not working? In other words, what did you bring to the marriage "table"?

 

If you both had the expectation that you would be working and financially contributing towards the marriage and for whatever reason that hasn't happened yet, it's going to create stress on the marriage and possibly resentments. He may feel lied to or deceived by you too. Or just stressed out from your expectations of him.

 

Really think about the reasons you married him. If you had not married him, Do you think you would have a job by now? If not, how would you have financially supported yourself? How will you financially support yourself if you decide to divorce?

[Dejected71]

I love him but that love is starting to ebb

[Popsicle]

I have serious doubts about whether people who have been living alone as an adult for many years (say 10 years or more) can live with another person/adult. They are too used to their space and independence and would probably be much happier to be in a relationship someone who has their own place.

[Dejected71]

Believe it or not, I had far more money in savings than he did (does) even though he earned nearly twice what I did. I had no debt (no car payment, etc.) and had managed my money very well. I live(d) very frugally, clipping coupons and not overspending. Never asked him for a penny, still don't. My parents paid for the entire wedding. Still living off my savings for the most part. And even not working, I'm pulling my weight around the house (heck, just my cooking and cleaning alone has earned me SOMEthing!).

 

I married him because I loved him and really believed we were soulmates. He didn't try to use me (as other guys had) either.

 

Getting straight answers from him is like pulling teeth, though, and I don't know if he would be forthright with me even when asked directly. It's a very frustrating situation because while I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water, I don't want to keep fighting a losing battle. If he can't start treating me like his wife, then...

 

(Oh, and I don't have children either. Have a college degree and a solid work history. No criminal past)

Edited January 17, 2016 by Dejected71

[Popsicle]

Believe it or not, I had far more money in savings than he did (does) even though he earned nearly twice what I did. I had no debt (no car payment, etc.) and had managed my money very well. I live(d) very frugally, clipping coupons and not overspending. Never asked him for a penny, still don't. My parents paid for the entire wedding. Still living off my savings for the most part. And even not working, I'm pulling my weight around the house (heck, just my cooking and cleaning alone has earned me SOMEthing!).

 

I married him because I loved him and really believed we were soulmates. He didn't try to use me (as other guys had) either.

 

Getting straight answers from him is like pulling teeth, though, and I don't know if he would be forthright with me even when asked directly. It's a very frustrating situation because while I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water, I don't want to keep fighting a losing battle. If he can't start treating me like his wife, then...

 

(Oh, and I don't have children either. Have a college degree and a solid work history. No criminal past)

 

You don't need him to decide. Only you have to decide.

 

I think you will feel much more confidence after you get a job, so work the hardest on that.

[Montsan]

Why don't you just sit him down, once and for all, for a heart-to-heart talk and tell him exactly how you feel? Ask him why he treats you the way he does. Spell out all of your complaints to him. Ask him to tell you exactly how he feels, even if it means pulling teeth.

[Methodical]

I agree that after living alone for years, ppl generally become set in their ways. Whether or not it's realized, daily routines have been formed and continue to exists.

 

Merging lives, routines, belongings, etc., after never having done so is unsettling, disruptive, and sometimes perceived as intrusive. Marriage is the institution of merging of two lives. It's difficult, especially when "sharing" time and space has never been an issue due to having lived alone for years.

 

Time MAY help, (notice the caps). However, I doubt you're going to find the solace you're looking for. Why? You've already admitted counseling fell upon deaf ears. Realistically, if you aren't allowed to have something as simple as a clock on the wall, then he still considers the house "his" home, not yours, regardless what he says. His words and actions are in direct opposition of each other and actions speak louder than words.

 

True, you've only been married for a few months and it takes time for transitions to occur, but your situation has roots that run deep. He basically told you that he lost his independence, which again is in direct opposition of what you describe...giving him "me" time and space.

 

Your relationship was fine so long as you co-mingled occasionally while maintaining separate dwellings. Again, maybe time will help but my gut instinct is that he feels smothered by your daily presence and altho you are doing things to pull your weight, he's not appreciative of your efforts and feels imposed upon.

 

You are spiraling downhill and each day a little more of your self-esteem and love for him is chipped away. There's a fine line between love and hate, IMO, and at the rate you are going, the depression you are already suffering is going to multiply and that line is going to lean more toward hate. (Hate is a harsh word, so incompatibility may be a better term to use here.)

 

You know you deserve better. You've said as much in your post. Sure, your mother is encouraging you to stick it out...prob. bc she doesn't want you to be alone, but she's not the one living in misery day in and day out. For your own sanity, weigh the pros and cons (from your comments thus far, you may need an extra sheet of paper or two for the cons) and make your decision based on what you want, need and deserve.

 

Good luck.

[nittygritty]

Believe it or not, I had far more money in savings than he did (does) even though he earned nearly twice what I did. I had no debt (no car payment, etc.) and had managed my money very well. I live(d) very frugally, clipping coupons and not overspending. Never asked him for a penny, still don't. My parents paid for the entire wedding. Still living off my savings for the most part. And even not working, I'm pulling my weight around the house (heck, just my cooking and cleaning alone has earned me SOMEthing!).

 

I married him because I loved him and really believed we were soulmates. He didn't try to use me (as other guys had) either.

 

Getting straight answers from him is like pulling teeth, though, and I don't know if he would be forthright with me even when asked directly. It's a very frustrating situation because while I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water, I don't want to keep fighting a losing battle. If he can't start treating me like his wife, then...

 

(Oh, and I don't have children either. Have a college degree and a solid work history. No criminal past)

 

Do you financially contribute to the marital household? Food, utilities, rent towards the mortgage, etc.? He was able to feed himself and managed to take care of his home prior to marriage, right? Even though cooking and cleaning is something, it might mean more to you than it does to him. You say that he didn't try to use you as other guys had which is a good thing about him. Nobody wants to feel used including him. Which is what he could be feeling like if you aren't financially contributing to the household.

 

It sounds like you resent him when you say "you've never asked him for a penny". If he is paying all of the household bills and providing you a rent free place to live with all of the amenities that go with that, then he is giving you much more than just a penny. Perhaps he has resentments towards you too for not getting a job for a year and not financially contributing? Even if you are overqualified for a position, you should get a job that pays anything until you find a better job rather than depleting your savings account. You said being unemployed makes you feel bad. So realize that you aren't at your best right now and neither is he. Working for a living is going to make you feel better. You can't change him but you can change you. And with the changes you make in yourself it will either improve your marriage or you will be in a better position to leave him.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's 7 months older than me, had never been married, no children, owned his home -- the perfect catch.

 

Sounds like you were looking for one thing and he another. What kind of life did you discuss while dating? Common interests? Travel, etc.?

 

Have you asked him why he married you? If it was for your cooking and cleaning skills, would have been cheaper to hire out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dolfin80]

He's done the bait and switch.

 

He was a nice guy, then you move in and you find out how controlling he is.

 

I bet if you ask him to move into another house together he will refuse.

 

He won't allow you to put a clock on the wall or any sort of happiness because he is controlling.

 

I lived with one of these, lasted about 6 months of living with him then ran for the hills. I wasn't allowed to bring any furniture into our house, he always called it 'his' house.

 

I think your hubby will up the control as time goes on.

 

What else does he control right now? Food, TV?