Second chance after realizing what was wrong the first time?

[fearfulone]

In December I broke up with my girlfriend. The way we ended things left it open for a possible reconciliation in the future, only if we worked on the issues we had that led to the breakup.

 

At the time I didn't really know the reasons why our relationship wasn't working, but I felt that things weren't right. I thought I might have been emotionally unavailable (which may be partly true), or that this mysterious "spark" was missing, but now that I've had time to think, it may be another issue.

 

Looking back on it now, we didn't seem like a true couple. Sure, we hung out and did some of the couple type things like going to restaurants, but overall we didn't do anything much beyond what really good friends would do. I think we ended up being really close friends without any of the intimacy.

 

We rarely got alone time for physical intimacy and we never expressed ourselves that much emotionally. I seldom heard any expressions that she actually liked me. She never complimented me or showed that she actually cared. The thing is that I know she did like me, but I think she had problems expressing it, as did I.

 

Right now I'm thinking that because I think I know what was wrong I should give the relationship another chance. The doubts I have are that right now, I do not have the strong feelings I had at the beginning of the relationship and I am hoping they return once we work on the problems.

 

Am I wrong to even think about going back to her? I really don't want to go back into a relationship that may fail again and hurt her, but I also don't want to throw away a relationship that I know was great once before and could be even ten times better.

 

I really hope you guys can help me make the right decision. Thanks.

[mmmike]

In December I broke up with my girlfriend. The way we ended things left it open for a possible reconciliation in the future, only if we worked on the issues we had that led to the breakup.

 

At the time I didn't really know the reasons why our relationship wasn't working, but I felt that things weren't right. I thought I might have been emotionally unavailable (which may be partly true), or that this mysterious "spark" was missing, but now that I've had time to think, it may be another issue.

 

Looking back on it now, we didn't seem like a true couple. Sure, we hung out and did some of the couple type things like going to restaurants, but overall we didn't do anything much beyond what really good friends would do. I think we ended up being really close friends without any of the intimacy.

 

We rarely got alone time for physical intimacy and we never expressed ourselves that much emotionally. I seldom heard any expressions that she actually liked me. She never complimented me or showed that she actually cared. The thing is that I know she did like me, but I think she had problems expressing it, as did I.

 

Right now I'm thinking that because I think I know what was wrong I should give the relationship another chance. The doubts I have are that right now, I do not have the strong feelings I had at the beginning of the relationship and I am hoping they return once we work on the problems.

 

Am I wrong to even think about going back to her? I really don't want to go back into a relationship that may fail again and hurt her, but I also don't want to throw away a relationship that I know was great once before and could be even ten times better.

 

I really hope you guys can help me make the right decision. Thanks.

 

You sound quite immature. How can WE help you make a decision about this when no one else is involved in your relationship but you two? Do what YOUR heart tells you. Again, immaturity states that "we're like friends etc." Well, I know I want to be best friends with my lover... that is great. Passion fades over time. Just be up front and tell HER how YOU feel. No one can make this decision for you but you and if you're turning to a forum to ask us to help you make up your mind, then you really don't sound ready or responsible enough to even have a relationship. Good luck and feel better

[fearfulone]

You sound quite immature. How can WE help you make a decision about this when no one else is involved in your relationship but you two? Do what YOUR heart tells you.

 

I'm sorry but I don't understand. Is it not good to get some advice from an outside perspective? Sometimes logic is clouded by decisions made from the heart. If everyone thought the same as you, I don't think there would be any posts on this forum!

 

Again, immaturity states that "we're like friends etc." Well, I know I want to be best friends with my lover... that is great. Passion fades over time. Just be up front and tell HER how YOU feel. No one can make this decision for you but you and if you're turning to a forum to ask us to help you make up your mind, then you really don't sound ready or responsible enough to even have a relationship. Good luck and feel better

 

How does maturity play a part in this? I am asking for advice, that is all. I would have thought that was the mature thing to do! I am very confused about my feelings for her. I did love her, but things changed. Do I love her now? No. Could I love her again? It's definitely possible if certain things change, but how do you know when to take these risks when it comes to relationships?

[DrMario]

I would say I'm a "mature" person, I have been in a situation like this once albeit many years a go, I knew I had a great person by my side and she was great to me throughout our time together but I just didn't feel it at that point, the depth to our relationship didn't feel too deep in romance, we used to play Mario kart and Mario party quite a lot and we had lots of laughs but I didn't feel like I was on the same level as her, probably because I didn't feel like there was a right time to express it, I ended it and tried to move on and was doing so pretty well until I saw her, at that point she cried in my arms and told me she missed me and all the good times.

 

I had to go away and think things over and I came to realise that was the first REAL moment between us and the first time I'd seen some REAL emotion from her and it provoked similar feelings for myself, I decided to give it another chance on the condition that we would be more romantic with one another and we would be open with one another, we wound up having an amazing relationship after that, very passionate and full of love, we would have still been together now I believe if she hadn't moved away but she was given an opportunity of a life time to work in another country, I wasn't going to let her choose to stay with me, and so she left and I wished her the best.

 

So in my case it worked out great but I had to remain committed at trying times to get to that point, it's sad that it ended the way it did but that's life I'm afraid, I'd say give it some more thought and make the decision that's best for you.

[basil67]

Have you considered that her lack of showing how much she felt for you was because the relationship wasn't working for her? It's entirely possible that her actions were a symptom and not a cause of the problem.

 

I also think it's bad form to dump someone, then ask them back for another try while telling them that they have to do things differently.

 

By all means talk with her. But be prepared that she may be very happy out of the relationship or unwilling to accept that you want her to do things differently.

[fearfulone]

Have you considered that her lack of showing how much she felt for you was because the relationship wasn't working for her? It's entirely possible that her actions were a symptom and not a cause of the problem.

 

I also think it's bad form to dump someone, then ask them back for another try while telling them that they have to do things differently.

 

By all means talk with her. But be prepared that she may be very happy out of the relationship or unwilling to accept that you want her to do things differently.

 

We both ultimately felt the same way when we broke up, it was just that I was the one that decided to end it first. She had considered breaking up, but thought that eventually it would work itself out.

 

We are on good terms, and it's not that I would just expect her to do things differently, I would also have to change my own behavior.

 

My one big fear is that we get back together and it doesn't work out again. I would feel like the biggest ass for giving hope to relationship that doesn't work out and to put her through another breakup (if she still had strong feelings for me).

[fearfulone]

I didn't feel like I was on the same level as her, probably because I didn't feel like there was a right time to express it

 

What do you mean by this? Did you not have the same feelings or did you not know how to tell her?

 

I had to go away and think things over and I came to realise that was the first REAL moment between us and the first time I'd seen some REAL emotion from her and it provoked similar feelings for myself

 

Before this moment, how did you feel about her? You had broken it off, but was she still on your mind up until you saw her?

 

I decided to give it another chance on the condition that we would be more romantic with one another and we would be open with one another

 

How did you do this without it feeling forced?

[DrMario]

I didn't have the same feelings as her, I thought she was an amazing person, pretty much everything that I looked for in a relationship, she started out as a friend who one day pushed her feelings out there and convinced me to give her a shot, the feelings at that point weren't really mutual but at that point in time I was curious to see how a relationship under these circumstances would work out, my feelings definitely grew for her, I was really happy and maybe that was my problem, nobody I've ever had a real closeness with has come from the point of happiness, it's come from points in time where the relationship has been on the line, struggles and such, but not with her, it was all fun, games, happy outings and watching one tree hill.

 

She was always on my mind, but I only had happy thoughts about her which is why I was so confused at my decision, I didn't know how to express my feelings for her because I wasn't used to expressing feelings of meaning without a pinch of heart ache thrown in there, I definitely felt lt was something like love that I felt for her but it wasn't on the same level as she felt for me, but when I saw her again and she cried in my arms when I gave her a hug, it provoked feelings out of me that had otherwise remained dormant, which is why I had to go away and completely rethink why I'd walk away from a good relationship.

 

When it came to seeing her again I had to find ways within myself to open up to her about her meaning to me and to appreciate her for all the things that she did for me, the more in depth we wound up going the more the ball kept rolling and suddenly I was head over heels for her, I would blue shell her on Mario Kart, laugh about it and kiss her all the way upstairs, it was probably the only time in my life that I'd ever been happily smitten, we took it slow at first and admittedly at times I felt I was losing the connection but I stuck with it and eventually not a doubt in my mind remained with me, I've looked for a relationship like that since but no dice unfortunately.

 

It was a big pay off in my situation but that's only my situation, take from it what you will but take the time you need for yourself to come to that decision, it took me around 3 weeks or so while remaining in contact with her that I wanted to give it another go.

[fearfulone]

I didn't have the same feelings as her, I thought she was an amazing person, pretty much everything that I looked for in a relationship, she started out as a friend who one day pushed her feelings out there and convinced me to give her a shot, the feelings at that point weren't really mutual but at that point in time I was curious to see how a relationship under these circumstances would work out, my feelings definitely grew for her, I was really happy and maybe that was my problem, nobody I've ever had a real closeness with has come from the point of happiness, it's come from points in time where the relationship has been on the line, struggles and such, but not with her, it was all fun, games, happy outings and watching one tree hill.

 

She was always on my mind, but I only had happy thoughts about her which is why I was so confused at my decision, I didn't know how to express my feelings for her because I wasn't used to expressing feelings of meaning without a pinch of heart ache thrown in there, I definitely felt lt was something like love that I felt for her but it wasn't on the same level as she felt for me, but when I saw her again and she cried in my arms when I gave her a hug, it provoked feelings out of me that had otherwise remained dormant, which is why I had to go away and completely rethink why I'd walk away from a good relationship.

 

When it came to seeing her again I had to find ways within myself to open up to her about her meaning to me and to appreciate her for all the things that she did for me, the more in depth we wound up going the more the ball kept rolling and suddenly I was head over heels for her, I would blue shell her on Mario Kart, laugh about it and kiss her all the way upstairs, it was probably the only time in my life that I'd ever been happily smitten, we took it slow at first and admittedly at times I felt I was losing the connection but I stuck with it and eventually not a doubt in my mind remained with me, I've looked for a relationship like that since but no dice unfortunately.

 

It was a big pay off in my situation but that's only my situation, take from it what you will but take the time you need for yourself to come to that decision, it took me around 3 weeks or so while remaining in contact with her that I wanted to give it another go.

 

I'm glad you made it work, but I'm just worried that I don't have strong enough feelings for her to warrant giving it a second chance. Even saying that makes me think it's not right.

 

She has been the only real girlfriend I've had. Anyone I've ever dated never came close to how I felt about her. I did love her before, the only woman I've ever said "I love you" to, which makes me wonder if I can get those feelings again. By the sounds of your post, it seems possible.

 

I don't even know how I would go back after dumping her. Telling her "I don't have very strong feelings right now, but if you showed a bit more affection I might" wouldn't breed confidence in anyone.

 

You said you felt you were losing the connection, how so and how did you overcome that? I was in a similar situation. There were times when she wanted to introduce me to friends and family which I backed away from because I was worried our relationship wouldn't last.

 

What is it that distinguishes a really good friendship with a strong relationship? People say that your partner should be your best friend, but what makes your best friend your partner?

[cupcakebunny]

I'm glad you made it work, but I'm just worried that I don't have strong enough feelings for her to warrant giving it a second chance. Even saying that makes me think it's not right.

 

She has been the only real girlfriend I've had. Anyone I've ever dated never came close to how I felt about her. I did love her before, the only woman I've ever said "I love you" to, which makes me wonder if I can get those feelings again. By the sounds of your post, it seems possible.

 

I don't even know how I would go back after dumping her. Telling her "I don't have very strong feelings right now, but if you showed a bit more affection I might" wouldn't breed confidence in anyone.

 

You said you felt you were losing the connection, how so and how did you overcome that? I was in a similar situation. There were times when she wanted to introduce me to friends and family which I backed away from because I was worried our relationship wouldn't last.

 

What is it that distinguishes a really good friendship with a strong relationship? People say that your partner should be your best friend, but what makes your best friend your partner?

 

 

Ok, just reading this -- I'm really confused why either of you would want to go back. You didn't live together. You had none of the hallmarks of a serious relationship. You didn't meet her family. You kept your distance.

 

 

You're hoping that getting back together will instill some love or desire in you which never existed in the first place? The point of a LTR is being with your best friend who you love. There is a difference. It's the person that you WANT to share EVERYTHING with. Every part of your life and yourself. No questions asked and you never once felt that way. There's a point in a relationship where you're like 'too soon' if it's the first couple months but if you were dating any longer than that and you refused to meet family or friends because you were already thinking about breaking up? There is no point to getting back together because it's not something you wanted to begin with.

 

 

What you're mourning the loss of a friendship and companionship that this person provided. And you're only a month out. I would give it time and space. 6 months. If you still want to hang out, call, but going to be honest given how this went down I wouldn't expect much.

[Michart]

Sometimes some time away to reflect can strengthen a relationship. I know plenty of happy couples who reconnected some time later and had a better connection because of it. I don't know how old either of you are, but sometimes being too young you need that space to grow as individuals. There is nothing wrong with trying to reconnect, maybe take it slower this time, rejuvenate that friendship before committing to a second go.

But ultimately, you need to evaluate your reason for wanting to get back with her. Is it because you are just lonely? Haven't been able to meet anyone else? Do you actually miss her? Is it the friendship you miss or the relationship? Re-entering any relationship that hasn't worked will make anyone skeptical, but try to figure out if that's the reason you are unsure or if your gut instincts are telling you it isn't right.

 

Good luck.

[TheTraveler]

OP, I would go find someone else.

[Mikeyfreedom]

Sometimes some time away to reflect can strengthen a relationship. I know plenty of happy couples who reconnected some time later and had a better connection because of it. I don't know how old either of you are, but sometimes being too young you need that space to grow as individuals. There is nothing wrong with trying to reconnect, maybe take it slower this time, rejuvenate that friendship before committing to a second go.

But ultimately, you need to evaluate your reason for wanting to get back with her. Is it because you are just lonely? Haven't been able to meet anyone else? Do you actually miss her? Is it the friendship you miss or the relationship? Re-entering any relationship that hasn't worked will make anyone skeptical, but try to figure out if that's the reason you are unsure or if your gut instincts are telling you it isn't right.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I agree with this, it was when I was apart from my GF I reflected not only on our relationship(of 8 yrs) but more on myself and my part in it. And I can honestly say, even though we have only been back together a shortish time, it feels different for me this time round. The little things that mean everything are at the forefront of my mind, and I feel like I love her differently now. Hard to explain, I feel a deeper connection and I know the things are right now which I doubted before due to my immature'ness for the want of a better word. I know where I am going now, and its a shame it took us to split for a while to make me realize that. But we are were we are and I believe we are and will continue to be stronger for it.

 

 

I do think this only applies for longer term relationships though, I think if you were with someone for a couple of months or whatever its not really going to make a difference IMO