Newbie and having an issue

[Strongerlife]

I found this board by accident but have been reading it for a few days. It does feel good to know I'm not alone.

 

Little history. Hubby and I married 14 years, together since teens. Have two tween aged children. He has been unhappy for about a month, but dosent know why. He's never been a big talker or communicator, and wont consider counseling. We've been thru alot in life, and at this point him and my kids are my only family still living besides an aunt (my other family has all passed). So I dont want to just throw in the towel and say screw it.

 

We went out last night to talk and he isn't sure if staying is the best thing. I'm heartbroken. He slept on the couch for the first time yesterday and last night nearly broke my heart. It physically hurt.

 

I've done all the investigating, their is no one else, I've had everything checked - phones, accounts, bank, money, credit cards. He is home all the time that he isnt at work but I think he is depressed. He says work. life, everything just isnt making him happy. I know work is very stressful for him as he is responsible for alot. However I thought things were going well and improving at home. I started working 2 years ago and am progressing in my job, although its sometimes stressful. Our home brings me great joy, we only bought it a few years ago. I noticed he started being depressed a few months back, always staying home, not being social, etc

 

He thought about going to stay with his parents for a bit. I told him I loved him and support him but that I wouldnt put my life on hold. Meanwhile I am a mess. I can't sleep, eating makes me physically sick and the anxiety is insane. I started running (I used to run years ago) and that helps a little bit to clear my mind. However I've lost 19 pounds in the past 6ish weeks.

 

My question is how do I go on? I dont know how to get up tomorrow and function. I also don't know how to help him out of this depression. I'm on a sleeping pill and anxiety med from my doctor but it dosent seem to be helping much. I've talked with my aunt and she is a great listening ear, plus said I could stay there if I needed to. I just want my happy husband and live back....

 

I've read the 180. I dont know if I'm strong enough to do it. I'm trying, the problem is he is being somewhat normal. Today he fixed a problem with our fridge, napped on the couch and is now playing with the kids. But then he gets quiet and sad.. and sits on the couch watching tv.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. I appreciate any insight or help anyone can give me. I'm a good wife, I might not be the best but I am loving, keep a good house, raised great kids and dont deserve this treatment!

[cja]

I found this board by accident but have been reading it for a few days. It does feel good to know I'm not alone.

 

Little history. Hubby and I married 14 years, together since teens. Have two tween aged children. He has been unhappy for about a month, but dosent know why. He's never been a big talker or communicator, and wont consider counseling. We've been thru alot in life, and at this point him and my kids are my only family still living besides an aunt (my other family has all passed). So I dont want to just throw in the towel and say screw it.

 

We went out last night to talk and he isn't sure if staying is the best thing. I'm heartbroken. He slept on the couch for the first time yesterday and last night nearly broke my heart. It physically hurt.

 

I've done all the investigating, their is no one else, I've had everything checked - phones, accounts, bank, money, credit cards. He is home all the time that he isnt at work but I think he is depressed. He says work. life, everything just isnt making him happy. I know work is very stressful for him as he is responsible for alot. However I thought things were going well and improving at home. I started working 2 years ago and am progressing in my job, although its sometimes stressful. Our home brings me great joy, we only bought it a few years ago. I noticed he started being depressed a few months back, always staying home, not being social, etc

 

He thought about going to stay with his parents for a bit. I told him I loved him and support him but that I wouldnt put my life on hold. Meanwhile I am a mess. I can't sleep, eating makes me physically sick and the anxiety is insane. I started running (I used to run years ago) and that helps a little bit to clear my mind. However I've lost 19 pounds in the past 6ish weeks.

 

My question is how do I go on? I dont know how to get up tomorrow and function. I also don't know how to help him out of this depression. I'm on a sleeping pill and anxiety med from my doctor but it dosent seem to be helping much. I've talked with my aunt and she is a great listening ear, plus said I could stay there if I needed to. I just want my happy husband and live back....

 

I've read the 180. I dont know if I'm strong enough to do it. I'm trying, the problem is he is being somewhat normal. Today he fixed a problem with our fridge, napped on the couch and is now playing with the kids. But then he gets quiet and sad.. and sits on the couch watching tv.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. I appreciate any insight or help anyone can give me. I'm a good wife, I might not be the best but I am loving, keep a good house, raised great kids and dont deserve this treatment!

 

First, so sorry you are here and in pain. This is a really good place to find lots of support and empathy. About thinking your not strong enough for a 180, we all think so, and I can say from my point of view, my husband gave me somewhat similar lines over a year ago, he wasn't happy and needed something different; he wanted to be alone etc., and I actually did a pretty decent job of 180'ing at the time: I said okay, I don't want to be with someone that isn't sure about being with me. And let him go. Beware though about two months later it came out he was really just having an affair and looking for the cowards exit. Not saying that is the case for you at all. And I stumbled for awhile after that revelation, still do now. All I can say is every day, just remind yourself of your own worth and merit. I don't really have advice on what to do about your husband, though push for counseling / talking and if he won't stop being so cowardly and conflict avoidant, you'll assume he doesn't want to change the circumstances or situation, just to blame. If he wont consider counseling, what IS he doing? Why does he think leaving will improve his situation?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, I don't sense anything amiss with what either of you is, or is not doing... (which is kinda rare for Loveshack)

 

 

Maybe he is in the neighborhood of clinically depressed?

 

 

 

I'm glad everything you've researched in the way of (other reasons) checks out.

 

 

At the very least, I can move your message back to the top.

 

 

Good luck.

[Strongerlife]

Thank you SO much for your response, it helps to know someone read my babbling! I am so sorry you are here, this is a pain like no other. And totally unfair!

 

He said if he leaves he will be miserable on his own and not taking us down with him. I've gone thru depression (when my parents died and I was 19) and its so very hard to get thru. With his lack of communication skills I dont know how he'll get thru it. He has alot of "I don't knows" for answers and I wish he'd get out of the house more, I think being social helps.

 

I dont know. I'm hoping I can one day eat again and feel normal.. whatever that may be!

[Popsicle]

He says work. life, everything just isnt making him happy.

 

If this is what he says it is, then this is what it is.

 

Unfortunately, only he can figure out what does make him happy and my gut instincts tell me that he won't find some special happiness at his parents house. He will still have to work.

 

I'd let him go and give him space to figure that out. I'd give him 3 months tops to figure it out and not be begging him during that time to come back. Do be sure to let him have visits with the children by himself so he can see what that will be like. After 3 months, if he hasn't came back on his own (and NOT because he was sick of staying with his parents) I'd file for divorce.

[cja]

Sorry for the projection. My husband suffered from depression off and on and I believed that as the reasoning, so I apologize for any projection. Hopefully he agrees to see a counselor and will find a better place. Sorry again for any offense.

[testmeasure]

It seems you've covered all the angles except counseling, which he refuses.

 

Only thing I can think of is, would he be willing to do an annual checkup with a medical doctor. If he could describe what he is experiencing to a medical doctor, maybe they could rule out whether or not there is a medical cause. If there was no medical cause, the doctor would probably end up being another voice recommending counseling.

 

I have mixed feelings about a 180. It doesn't sound like he is behaving badly toward you. If he's just sad and depressed, a 180 could push him away and make it worse. But if treating him normally isn't working either, I don't know what to say.

 

Earlier in life I had a long term relationship that lasted 5+ years during which we lived together the entire time. It ended when she became unhappy for reasons she couldn't define. She couldn't understand it, I couldn't understand it. There was no reasoning with it.

 

I met her when she was 21 and the relationship ended when she was 27.

 

I had the opportunity to meet her to exchange some property items probably about a month later. It was a jaw dropping experience. She seemed happy but everything that came out of her mouth about her life seemed ridiculous and irresponsible. She seemed happy and completely comfortable with everything she was saying. Yet, it sounded completely impulsive whimsical and risky. She described her plan for the future and it was absurd on the surface of it.

 

The reason we were meeting to exchange some property was that she was moving across country. Now I learn she's moving to move in with a "boyfriend" she met online but had never met in person. On top of that, she was moving to the West coast, and her big plan for the future was to become a massage therapist. I wanted to say how about moving to New York to be a cab driver, I bet no one's ever thought of that before. She had also lost her job and begun to squander some inheritance money she had, which she had been very cautious with in the past.

 

An odd side note is she called to set up the property exchange and it was totally inconsequential things that neither of us probably cared about. All the stuff she told me, she seemed to be telling me with pride. I almost think she set up the exchange so she could tell me how great her new life was in person.

 

It was unbelievable. I was beside myself. The time we spent together, 5+ years, she was the completely responsible, reasonable and cautious. She got the bills paid, made sure things were organized, and kept everything on track. Any time there was anything fun that had a possible risk or downside, it felt like I was the one who wanted to do it and I had to talk her into it.

 

The only theory I could piece together to explain this was she had spent most of her 20s with me being responsible. Then she had an early "mid-life" crisis for having missed a more "care-free" 20s. So, she broke up with me and tried to recapture what she had missed out on.

 

A lot of people probably do more care-free stuff in their 20s and their future life track isn't set or fixed in yet. Well, we spent most of our 20s settled down, with a seemingly predictable future. Maybe she just got more and more depressed with the settled down responsible life.

 

Quite possibly she didn't even realize why she was getting depressed. Maybe there was just a vague feeling she had missed something. She certainly couldn't explain or articulate the cause of her unhappiness. But it was quite clear what changes she made to address it.

 

In my case, I don't think a 180 would have worked, and time would have just made it worse.

 

I don't know if any of that helps any. I still have no idea what you can do in your situation. But your situation reminded me of that relationship. She was unhappy with everything, life, her job, our relationship, all for no definable reason. From what she did afterwards, the best I can figure is it was some kind of early mid-life crisis.

 

Now later in life I've also experienced a very difficult divorce with children involved. I understand your situation is far different and far more serious than a 5+ year long term relationship ending. But your story doesn't resemble anything like the problems that lead to the divorce in my case. It reminds me more of how that relationship ended.

 

It was quite frustrating that it was a pervasive irreconcilable unhappiness that couldn't be reasoned with. I can't imagine the frustration it would cause to experience the same thing after marriage and with children involved. In my case I don't think I was even able to go through the grieving process. I didn't even know what to deny, be angry at or be sad about. The only feeling I could have was frustration and confusion. Then I saw what changes she had made and it was almost like the person I knew was gone. Only then was I able to grieve and mourn the loss.

 

 

.

Edited January 18, 2016 by testmeasure

[Mr. Lucky]

Little history. Hubby and I married 14 years, together since teens. Have two tween aged children. He has been unhappy for about a month, but dosent know why. He's never been a big talker or communicator, and wont consider counseling.

 

You may have to use the threat of separation to get him into counseling. Depression is insidious in that those affected can't conceive of the need for treatment. My BIL went through the same thing and we basically did an intervention - with meds, diet and exercise, he's like a new man.

 

Is there a friend, church member or work mate that might speak to him?

 

Mr. Lucky