Worried about us

[Americanooo]

My boyfriend and I have known each other for roughly 5 years now. He moved to a different country a few years ago and is moving back in 2 years. A few months ago we became really close; talking every single day and eventually became best friends. We started dating soon after (neither of us have been in an LDR before) and it literally has been the most perfect relationship I've ever had. We're always affectionate and telling each other we want to spend our lives together and that we're in love. We fit together so well, we tell each other everything and we're such a great team.

 

Sometimes I would tell him that I'm having doubts about if we will last because of the distance. He would always reassure me telling me to never think like that because we will work. That we will make it work. That it's worth the wait. So I stopped worrying and believed.

 

Recently, he's been so stressed about school and his health. And it's been getting a little worse each day. Despite the stress, we still were going amazingly well. I always helped and supported him. But a day ago he suddenly told me he just can't do the long distance anymore because it hurts. It hurts not being able to express his emotions properly. I was so surprised. I'm so confused and hurt because he was the one who believed in us with all his heart. How could it have changed so quickly? How could he go from planning out our future every other day to saying he can't do it anymore? We saw each other for the first time in years 15 days ago when I drove to the airport to catch him during his layover and it was absolutely amazing and full of affection. He couldn't stop talking about it. So how could this happen so quickly? I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. I want to be with him. I want him to realize that we won't be long distance forever and it's worth it. I need advice. What should I do?

[privategal]

If it were me, I would keep my calm, cool composure.

If this is only stress and anxiety then your best position is to give it time, do not overwhelm him by too much emotion and a lot of writing, calling, contacting as he is obviously going through something and needs to sort out his thoughts.

Your very best defense right now is to wait out this storm. A calm collected demeanor, a step back and allowing all contact to be initiated by him, and do not try and analyze his thoughts or force his love and affection and belief in you.

I wouldn't reach out at all right now. I would sit tight, get some support from your friends and family and try to ride out this storm and have confidence what will be will be.

There wont be anything at all you can do to change his mind, or influence his thoughts. So don't look desperate to cling to him and need him and give up everything for him.

Another woman is usually the cause for great relationships that suddenly take a 180 turn out of nowhere. Im not saying it IS the case but it could be. Be careful and let him come to you right now.

[justwhoiam]

First of all, welcome to LS.

 

a day ago he suddenly told me he just can't do the long distance anymore because it hurts. It hurts not being able to express his emotions properly. I was so surprised. I'm so confused and hurt because he was the one who believed in us with all his heart. How could it have changed so quickly?

It's human nature. It can be unpredictable.

 

How could he go from planning out our future every other day to saying he can't do it anymore?

Maybe he couldn't keep up in the long run?

We saw each other for the first time in years 15 days ago when I drove to the airport to catch him during his layover and it was absolutely amazing and full of affection. He couldn't stop talking about it. So how could this happen so quickly?

Hmm. The timing for his second thoughts can't be so coincidental... it just makes me think something was off. Even if you didn't realize.

 

I want him to realize that we won't be long distance forever and it's worth it.

Two years is not a piece of cake, trust me on that. Missing out on opportunities for two years when you're young and full of energy and your hormones are running wild. He can't even say that it's worth it right now, because he doesn't know you that well, and he might just be in a limbo for two years just to see the relationship go to the dogs later on.

 

I need advice. What should I do?

In a nutshell, if you need to remind someone how much you're worth (it), then just forget them. There's nothing worse than begging someone to love you or be with you (unless you did something wrong and you need to be forgiven, but that's not your case).

 

A possible theory is that he was loving you on the perceptions he had of you... but then going on, he got to know you better, and had second thoughts. Better now then later.

[Americanooo]

First of all, welcome to LS.

 

It's human nature. It can be unpredictable.

 

Maybe he couldn't keep up in the long run?

Hmm. The timing for his second thoughts can't be so coincidental... it just makes me think something was off. Even if you didn't realize.

 

Two years is not a piece of cake, trust me on that. Missing out on opportunities for two years when you're young and full of energy and your hormones are running wild. He can't even say that it's worth it right now, because he doesn't know you that well, and he might just be in a limbo for two years just to see the relationship go to the dogs later on.

 

In a nutshell, if you need to remind someone how much you're worth (it), then just forget them. There's nothing worse than begging someone to love you or be with you (unless you did something wrong and you need to be forgiven, but that's not your case).

 

A possible theory is that he was loving you on the perceptions he had of you... but then going on, he got to know you better, and had second thoughts. Better now then later.

 

 

Had a long conversation with him last night. Turns out that he was diagnosed with brain cancer and it completely scared the life out of him. His entire world was turned upside down. He felt he didn't want to put the pressure onto me as well. He didn't want to see me hurt by what he is going through. However, I realized shortly after he broke up with me he began talking to another girl who actually lives near him as a distraction. Is it because he physically needs something in front of him in order to be distracted and keep his sanity? This is so hard on me. He's told me that he doesn't think she's any better than me and that he realizes what he lost by breaking up with me. And that he's just trying to fix himself at the moment. What're your thoughts? (By the way, we've known each other for a while and we know each other inside out. I'm sure it can't be second thoughts based on him getting to know me better)

[TMichaels]

Sorry, but I think he's feeding you a load of BS. I'd be corroborating that story independently before I'd swallow it hook, line and sinker.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Americanooo]

Sorry, but I think he's feeding you a load of BS. I'd be corroborating that story independently before I'd swallow it hook, line and sinker.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

What do you think I should do exactly? He doesn't usually lie to me. This is not like him at all. I'm so confused.

[ExpatInItaly]

Had a long conversation with him last night. Turns out that he was diagnosed with brain cancer and it completely scared the life out of him. His entire world was turned upside down. He felt he didn't want to put the pressure onto me as well. He didn't want to see me hurt by what he is going through. However, I realized shortly after he broke up with me he began talking to another girl who actually lives near him as a distraction. Is it because he physically needs something in front of him in order to be distracted and keep his sanity? This is so hard on me. He's told me that he doesn't think she's any better than me and that he realizes what he lost by breaking up with me. And that he's just trying to fix himself at the moment. What're your thoughts? (By the way, we've known each other for a while and we know each other inside out. I'm sure it can't be second thoughts based on him getting to know me better)

 

As another poster said, I would try to verify the cancer diagnosis. The timing is a tad suspicious. Do you know any of this other friends or family members? You'll know pretty quickly whether he's telling the truth or not. Someone suffering from a brain tumor and undergoing treatment (is he?) is going to be a pretty sick person for a while.

 

I would stop asking him about this other girl. I know it hurts, but I also think he' s not being totally honest. Obviously he likes her of he wouldn't be talking to her and I think he's trying to spare your feelings.

 

It sounds like he's just not the guy you thought he was. And anyway, two years is a very long time to keep a connection alive. He is very likely doing you a favour.

[privategal]

Had a long conversation with him last night. Turns out that he was diagnosed with brain cancer and it completely scared the life out of him. His entire world was turned upside down. He felt he didn't want to put the pressure onto me as well. He didn't want to see me hurt by what he is going through. However, I realized shortly after he broke up with me he began talking to another girl who actually lives near him as a distraction. Is it because he physically needs something in front of him in order to be distracted and keep his sanity? This is so hard on me. He's told me that he doesn't think she's any better than me and that he realizes what he lost by breaking up with me. And that he's just trying to fix himself at the moment. What're your thoughts? (By the way, we've known each other for a while and we know each other inside out. I'm sure it can't be second thoughts based on him getting to know me better)

 

Splash some ice cold water on your face and WAKE UP.

When you have a love of your life, and something like this is diagnosed, you think, I am going to need her and her support. She loves me and I need her. Instead he pushes you away?

Annnd surprise, surprise he has a new "friend"?

Sorry but I would be OUT.

I wouldn't take one more call.

Wouldn't accept one more email.

Of course you will, he already has you softening with his load of crap about "I realize what I lost by dumping you, Im fixing myself"

Nope. Its crap.

You are in the middle of all these emotions and aren't going to be able to think clearly.

He has a new girl, cancer or not (I doubt the story) he just dropped you. Even if his diagnosis is true, it doesn't matter.

You don't break up with the one you made future plans with and you don't entertain the neighbor girl.

I would go to the Breaking up section and read at the top of the page about NO CONTACT.

Your taking his calls or worse calling and writing with him is allowing him to still have you in his life, manipulate you, keep you stuck and crying and unable to be strong and think for YOURSELF.

You need to cut him off NOW.

If he truly did realize what he lost he would be on the first flight home, and his first sentence is, come home with me or Im staying here.

Believe nothing else.

Pleading with you to read the NO CONTACT guide.

Immediately take him off your FB and from this point on, zero contact.

Don't fool yourself. You've been duped. Period. Its over.