GuyThePie Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Hi, My SO and I have been together for 11 years. Looking back we were probably a bit desperate and got together too soon. I think she was fairly keen on moving out from her parents to my house (which she did after about 6 weeks). I think there have been sexual / intimacy issues all along which came to a head a couple of years ago when she started a relationship with another man along with several other dalliances She later told me about these (and confirmed my suspicions!) but I said she could stay. She says she was not getting what she needed from the relationship, a lack of passion, a lack of common interests (although to be fair she only really started complaining about the common interests after the affairs). Sex became even less frequent than it did before, but I tried to "shut down" that aspect of myself. Yes, the internets plentiful supply of porn also helped I guess that a rather drunken encounter last year and the SO wanting to start making baby plans has really forced me to confront things finally! It's crazy, but after much talking (more than during the all the previous years combined) over the last few months, we both kind of agree that we don't work well together, we are not actually attracted to each other, I'm really not interested in adventure sports (like she now claims to be) and we don't trust each other - yet the thought of breaking up seems just too painful... Also she does not really have anywhere to move out to (I have been pretty much keeping her), which I also feel bad about. I think the problem is that we are actually just friends, not lovers. I know that friendship is very important, but we both feel that our relationship is lacking. My other 'arf jumps from saying things like "I'm going to reply to this lonely hearts ad" to being desperate for reconcilliation! She has a very poor self image after putting on weight again and I suspects she's worried she will be "left on the shelf". Also, she suffers from depression and is currently on medication. It's all becoming a bit much now, weekends are becoming something I no longer look forward to because of the arguments, crying and general upset. Yet when we don't venture into those murky waters, things are ok. I guess I'm asking if a relationship can survive with little or no sex (it's been 9 months now ), or whether it's always best to make the break? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 The best way to start is to get her to some marriage counseling. There you can say all the things you really need to say to each other - and it will be easier through an objective third party. I don't know that your goal will be to 'fix things' so much as it will be to determine whether there is anything worth fixing. If it turns out that its time to say goodbye to each other - your counselor can help you both find the best exit strategies for you, or at least point you in the right direction for that. He/She may also be able to suggest some good one-on-one counseling for your SO as well, to help her with her issues and allow you to better make your break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuyThePie Posted June 6, 2005 Author Share Posted June 6, 2005 Thanks for the reply. I have suggested counselling in the past, but she has been a little reticent as she says she fears what the outcome would be. She is actually having counselling at the moment for food/weight/self image issues and (apparently) this counsellor was not overly keen on her undertaking relationship counselling, I'm not 100% sure on the reasons, but according to SO, it was something to do with it detracting from her current course of counselling. Still, I don't think there are many further avenues to explore, so I guess counselling is probably all that's left. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Call her therapist, and talk directly to that therapist about the possibility of marriage counseling and what their suggestion is about the best way to go about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Well tell her without counselling the relationship is over because essentially it already is. If she is unwilling to fix it you can feel no guilt in leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by GuyThePie I think the problem is that we are actually just friends, not lovers. Why are you trying to make a 'silk purse out of a sow's ear'? You seem to be trying to make a marital relationship out of what is essentially a pretty good friendship. After 11 years, she's still your S/O....not your wife. That's along time to be mulling it over. Just from personal experience and I can't speak for any others, there was NO doubt in my mind that my husband was THE ONE. I was a little p*ssed about it actually, because I really didn't want to get married at the time....and yet, I couldn't imagine spending another day of my life without him. It was almost like not having a choice. My heart decided FOR me. The two of you seem to be more or less room-mates, with occasional sexual benefits. Very occasional, apparently. Why not move on? There are lots of sad married folks living as room-mates already. Why join their ranks? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuyThePie Posted June 8, 2005 Author Share Posted June 8, 2005 Yes, it makes sense what you are saying, yet it still seems impossible for us not being together. Maybe if I met someone that ticked all of the boxes, then it might seem possible! Actually my SO was planning to leave for this other man (but I think he decided he preferred his current wife) so it must have seemed possible to her at the time My SO says that if we were to split up she wouldn't want to have any contact with me ever again as she couldn't bear the thought of me being with someone else. Personally I don't think I'd mind her being with someone else if she was happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuyThePie Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Finally took your advice and went to counselling. The outcome was not exactly positive with him telling us that we need to think about an amicable breakup. He picked this up after just a one hour session. The things he was saying very much hit home with me at least, he said that couples in our situation invariably don't get any happier and will in the end just end up resenting each other. So I guess that's it. I feel a strange mixture of relief and sadness. Link to post Share on other sites
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