He won't talk to me... I think I hurt his ego?

[moebius]

He probably does feel like this, bringing about insecurity and a trust issue. But idk what to do anymore. I've explained myself. ...

Well, you start a fire with a tiny spark, and then you need hundred of gallons of water to extinguish it.

 

IF what I guessed is true, namely he was secretly in love with you in high-school, this could be a case of retroactive jealousy. Specially if he wasn't aware of you having a crush over this other guy. Thinking that while he was (in his mind) chasing you at HS you were (in your mind) chasing this other guy. That hurts an ego for sure.

 

I know, it's as irrational as it sounds. I bet it's retroactive jealousy.

[mightycpa]

The very first breakup (November 2014), I ended it. I ended it because we were arguing a lot over him actually wanting to commit to being in the relationship. He would go back and forth saying that he loved me and wanted to be with me to "GIGS" type issues. I felt like he didn't really want to be here, so I did what I felt like he didn't have the courage to do.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Long story short, he was hurt pretty bad, and while you were broken up, who knows what stories he told himself about you? The story was probably something along the lines of your love being fleeting, not true love and so he was gunshy and oversensitive to whatever you might say. Essentially, you were walking on eggshells and didn't know it.

 

He's probably done, and won't allow himself to trust you for a while, even though he really wants to do it. Either that, or this was an excuse to bolt.

[marky00]

Yeah, that's what I thought. Long story short, he was hurt pretty bad, and while you were broken up, who knows what stories he told himself about you? The story was probably something along the lines of your love being fleeting, not true love and so he was gunshy and oversensitive to whatever you might say. Essentially, you were walking on eggshells and didn't know it.

 

He's probably done, and won't allow himself to trust you for a while, even though he really wants to do it. Either that, or this was an excuse to bolt.

 

This is one possibility.

 

However, although officially you dumped him you were almost the dumpee back in 2014, aka the "forced dump". Based on this, the other possibility is he wasn't invested so much but you did hurt his ego. Guys re-enter relationships in responte to crushed egos all the time. Sometimes but the prideful types just walk. Hard to say if hes bluffing or not.

Edited January 21, 2016 by marky00

[SoulflowerChloe]

Thanks for all the responses. While some sound probable, i think the case of him not being fully invested was true. Even when we were together, he was non-committal. In and out and having cold feet. One minute he would say things like seeing a future with me, wanting to build with me one day, being business partners, like serious talk. Then i feel like peer pressure got to him and he would say things about "not wanting to live with regrets while young" and things along that line. I ended the relationship because this became a very frequent thing.

 

Now I will admit that I have said some hurtful things to him during some of the later falling outs, all of which i did not mean. I was severely hurt, and idk, immaturely I lashed out. He is not innocent either, though.

 

After he sent the long message that the original post was about, I found out that he was talking to someone and had been since the summer, a girl that I know and considered a distant friend, mind you. (It hurt me because somehting similar happened in the past before with him talking to an old "Best friend") I confronted him about it and it was not pretty.

 

A couple days later, I messaged him with questions about her and about waiting so long to say anything about the HS crush thing. He didn't see anything wrong with talking to a friend of mine, but said the HS crush thing kept replaying in his mind, so he decided to say something. He said that saying that mad him lose all respect for me and that he no longer cares about anything that I do.

 

All in all, I am apologetic about saying hurtful things, but the fact still remains that he sees us as "just friends" after leading me on HEAVILY. I mean anyone in my position could justifiably see what I figured we were talking again. so Even if the heated exchange did not occur, I'd still look like a fool and would still have nothing. I felt guilty, but After realizing that point, I feel my conscience a bit relieved.

 

My problem now is overcoming the feeling inside when I think about him and her together and me looking stupid. It's killing me.

Edited January 21, 2016 by SoulflowerChloe

[Chi townD]

You understand! *sigh*... That is exactly what im feeling. I understand that his feelings may be hurt, but It really was an innocent thing on my end. My wondering about an old crush was in no way me saying "i regret you". It was curiosity that arose during a flowing conversation. I simply said i wonder how that would've panned out. It wasn't a shot at him.

 

If I have to move on and act like this never existed in the end, I guess I will. But in the mean time, I am just trying to figure things out and be mature about this. I don't want this to crumble like that.

 

 

 

I know that's not how you meant it. But, from an outside perspective and a guy as well. That's how it came across even if it was unintentional. I mean, he probably did think that you regretted dating him. That you settled for him. That he was a consolation prize. That you put more of a value on the possibility of being with this other guy, but you decided to settle on him. That you would have rather been with the guy from HS because, if you were, then the possibility of being with him (your Ex) after HS would have been drastically reduced. Now, I'm not saying that's how you felt. I'm just trying to give you an idea of what HE might be thinking. To see what's possibly going through his head from a guy's perspective.

 

 

If this is really bothering you, and he's still got you blocked. Then, you could write him a letter. You should know where he lives. Write it, mail it and then move on with your life. You said what you needed to say and move on with your life. If he reads it, then he'll know how you feel and what exactly you meant. Ball's in his court then. But, don't put your life on hold.

[SoulflowerChloe]

I know that's not how you meant it. But, from an outside perspective and a guy as well. That's how it came across even if it was unintentional. I mean, he probably did think that you regretted dating him. That you settled for him. That he was a consolation prize. That you put more of a value on the possibility of being with this other guy, but you decided to settle on him. That you would have rather been with the guy from HS because, if you were, then the possibility of being with him (your Ex) after HS would have been drastically reduced. Now, I'm not saying that's how you felt. I'm just trying to give you an idea of what HE might be thinking. To see what's possibly going through his head from a guy's perspective.

 

 

If this is really bothering you, and he's still got you blocked. Then, you could write him a letter. You should know where he lives. Write it, mail it and then move on with your life. You said what you needed to say and move on with your life. If he reads it, then he'll know how you feel and what exactly you meant. Ball's in his court then. But, don't put your life on hold.

 

 

Thank you for breaking it down, i understand. I sent a message to apologize, but he didn't seem receptive. Do you think that he'll be able to move forgive it in time? My worst fear is that he'll forever have this negative lasting impression of me. Anyone that knows me knows that I love him to death. He was my closest friend.

Edited January 21, 2016 by SoulflowerChloe

[Chi townD]

Thank you for breaking it down, i understand. I sent a message to apologize, but he didn't seem receptive. Do you think that he'll be able to move forgive it in time?

 

Well, it's only been two weeks. Things are still a bit raw. Just leave him alone. Sure, this is bothering you and you've tried to apologize. But, you can take solace in the fact that you've tried to take corrective measures to try to rectify this. If he's being stubborn, then that's his hang up and nothing you can do about that.

 

 

Like I said, it's only been about 14 days. Let him cool off. and, I hate to say it, he might just be done. You might not hear from him again. But, that's on him and his stubbornness to walk away with things unresolved. I would still consider writing him a letter. Hell, you can post it on here for people to review it for you before you mail it (might sound weird, but people have done this before).

 

 

But, like I said, don't put your life on hold waiting for a response from him.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Well, it's only been two weeks. Things are still a bit raw. Just leave him alone. Sure, this is bothering you and you've tried to apologize. But, you can take solace in the fact that you've tried to take corrective measures to try to rectify this. If he's being stubborn, then that's his hang up and nothing you can do about that.

 

 

Like I said, it's only been about 14 days. Let him cool off. and, I hate to say it, he might just be done. You might not hear from him again. But, that's on him and his stubbornness to walk away with things unresolved. I would still consider writing him a letter. Hell, you can post it on here for people to review it for you before you mail it (might sound weird, but people have done this before).

 

 

But, like I said, don't put your life on hold waiting for a response from him.

 

Okay. Yeah, my life isn't on hold. I do feel a tiny bit better knowing that I tried. It just hurts because in a vulnerable moment, I said something that I temporarily felt, and now there are potentially permanent consequences. I didn't even mean it really. I was just lonely.

 

I may write a letter at a later date. Do you think that it would be disrespectful though? Even though he is supposedly dating someone I know now and its painful, i still don't want to disrespect what they might be kindling. Also, would he view it as overkill? I apologized 2 times so far -- directly after the message and two weeks later (two days ago).

[Chi townD]

Okay. Yeah, my life isn't on hold. I do feel a tiny bit better knowing that I tried. It just hurts because in a vulnerable moment, I said something that I temporarily felt, and now there are potentially permanent consequences. I didn't even mean it really. I was just lonely.

 

I may write a letter at a later date. Do you think that it would be disrespectful though? Even though he is supposedly dating someone I know now and its painful, i still don't want to disrespect what they might be kindling. Also, would he view it as overkill? I apologized 2 times so far -- directly after the message and two weeks later (two days ago).

 

 

Oh, if you apologized twice already. Then, I would leave it alone. This is his stubborn hang up, not yours. He's being really immature about it. Plus, he started dating someone within two weeks?

 

 

Starting to think he was looking for any excuse to get out of the "FWB" relationship you two had to pursue this other girl and you gave him the excuse that he needed.

 

 

IDK, Hard to say for certain if he isn't communicating with you.

[mightycpa]

Thank you for breaking it down, i understand. I sent a message to apologize, but he didn't seem receptive. Do you think that he'll be able to move forgive it in time? My worst fear is that he'll forever have this negative lasting impression of me. Anyone that knows me knows that I love him to death. He was my closest friend.

That ship has sailed. If he got mad at you and cut you off, he definitely has a bad impression, and the one person in the world with the worst chance of changing that impression is you. Nothing you can say will change his mind until he softens. So save the postage, the paper and the ink.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Oh, if you apologized twice already. Then, I would leave it alone. This is his stubborn hang up, not yours. He's being really immature about it. Plus, he started dating someone within two weeks?

 

 

Starting to think he was looking for any excuse to get out of the "FWB" relationship you two had to pursue this other girl and you gave him the excuse that he needed.

 

 

IDK, Hard to say for certain if he isn't communicating with you.

 

Part of me believes so too because I found out through another friend that they were hanging out even before him and I fell out over the message. Also because when i did text him about it two days ago, he said that we were just friends and that I was "confused" the ENTIRE time yet he feels so disrespected that he wants nothing to do with me... like, yes the words may have hurt him, but I couldn't understand why he felt so betrayed if we were strictly platonic.. I don't know. Part of me feels guilty, the other part feels like he was using the perfect opportunity to deflect guilt or blame. He took no accountability.

[Chi townD]

Part of me believes so too because I found out through another friend that they were hanging out even before him and I fell out over the message. Also because when i did text him about it two days ago, he said that we were just friends and that I was "confused" the ENTIRE time yet he feels so disrespected that he wants nothing to do with me... like, yes the words may have hurt him, but I couldn't understand why he felt so betrayed if we were strictly platonic.. I don't know. Part of me feels guilty, the other part feels like he was using the perfect opportunity to deflect guilt or blame. He took no accountability.

 

Sorry, but didn't you say that you're sleeping together? I wouldn't call that platonic exactly. I mean, that's the ultimate form of intimacy between two people.

 

 

I guess, maybe that's why I really don't understand friends with benefits.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Sorry, but didn't you say that you're sleeping together? I wouldn't call that platonic exactly. I mean, that's the ultimate form of intimacy between two people.

 

 

I guess, maybe that's why I really don't understand friends with benefits.

 

 

My point exactly. Friends don't sleep with each other and say "i love you", yet to him, we were just friends. anyway... I dont want to stress over it

[mightycpa]

Sorry, but didn't you say that you're sleeping together? I wouldn't call that platonic exactly. I mean, that's the ultimate form of intimacy between two people.

See, that's what I used to think, but I don't think that any more. Telling somebody your innermost dreams, desires and secrets without feeling a bit of shame or worry? That's intimate. But inserting old-man jollystick in her hey-nanny-nanny? Not necessarily intimate...in fact, all too often, people are shy and won't talk about what they want (or don't want) during sex because they're afraid of being judged. They certainly don't share their innermost secrets, meaning that they have walls. That's the opposite of intimate. That's like a plastic, non-working replica of something expensive.

I guess, maybe that's why I really don't understand friends with benefits.

I guess. I think FWB's can be intimate without romantic intent. Most people do FWB totally wrong anyway, like these two. I think they were just negotiating the end.

 

My point, OP, is that it is real easy to find people for whom sex is very much desired, but not very special. When someone says they love you, think of love as an action verb, and make a list of the actions that prove it. A lot of times, that's a pretty short list.

[SoulflowerChloe]

See, that's what I used to think, but I don't think that any more. Telling somebody your innermost dreams, desires and secrets without feeling a bit of shame or worry? That's intimate. But inserting old-man jollystick in her hey-nanny-nanny? Not necessarily intimate...in fact, all too often, people are shy and won't talk about what they want (or don't want) during sex because they're afraid of being judged. They certainly don't share their innermost secrets, meaning that they have walls. That's the opposite of intimate. That's like a plastic, non-working replica of something expensive. I guess. I think FWB's can be intimate without romantic intent. Most people do FWB totally wrong anyway, like these two. I think they were just negotiating the end.

 

My point, OP, is that it is real easy to find people for whom sex is very much desired, but not very special. When someone says they love you, think of love as an action verb, and make a list of the actions that prove it. A lot of times, that's a pretty short list.

 

 

I agree. But the thing is, it started off as an intimate thing. Before we were even physically intimate, we were really close friends for 3 years before progressing into an actual relationship. I never agreed to being friends with benefits but after fighting for what i thought was still there, realized that it had become just that.

[SoulflowerChloe]

Quick update :

 

After several attempts with cold responses from him, I backed off and started moving on. I've actually been doing pretty good and have moved through the stages of grief pretty fast and am moving towards acceptance. Today though, I was awakened to this message from him:

 

Don't mean to interrupt your night. But I apologize for how I acted before it was all out of anger and me wanting to get you back for how bad I was hurting at that time. I know this is random but I felt I should say it.

 

I don't know if I should respond. Suprisingly, i don't really feel emotionally affected by it. I just am sitting on it until I know what to do.

[katiegrl]

I apologized to him in attempt to salvage things and be understanding -- making an apology for anything without being sincerely sorry and demonstrating that you understand what you did was hurtful, is simply being condescending and that comes across. If you don't understand what you're apologizing for, don't apologize.

 

Secondly, having a conversation like this over text is disrespectful and cowardly, IMO. If you have something to say to someone, come to them and have an adult, face to face conversation. Doing anything else is immature and isn't treating the subject matter with the level of importance it deserves.

 

Forget about him. Find yourself a friend who knows how to communicate.

 

Agree with RH, and also believe any further attempt to reach out will end in further pain to you.

 

He has made it clear it's over, it's been weeks.... there is nothing you can do except accept and respect his decision and move on.

 

Frankly, I don't think he's all butt hurt about what you said anyway.

 

As you said earlier, after you said it, he was fine, showed no reaction.

 

Sound like he used that as an excuse to justify ending things ...so as to alleviate his guilt and throw it back to you.

 

Block, delete, next.

 

I'm sorry.

[katiegrl]

Quick update :

 

After several attempts with cold responses from him, I backed off and started moving on. I've actually been doing pretty good and have moved through the stages of grief pretty fast and am moving towards acceptance. Today though, I was awakened to this message from him:

 

Don't mean to interrupt your night. But I apologize for how I acted before it was all out of anger and me wanting to get you back for how bad I was hurting at that time. I know this is random but I felt I should say it.

 

I don't know if I should respond. Suprisingly, i don't really feel emotionally affected by it. I just am sitting on it until I know what to do.

 

Calling BS on his message. More than one MONTH later?

 

He's dry at the moment and you are his fallback girl.

 

DON'T be "that" girl.

 

I say ignore, and continue moving on.

 

And please block him!

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Cherryz]

Hm, You want him to be understanding about what???

 

What you told him was kind of rude. Thats why you should leave the past

in the past. And only have certain conversations with your parents or no one atall.

 

Maybe you should be understanding and try to imagine how it would feel if he told you that in that moment: i wonder how it would be if i dated "BEcky".....

How would you feel? Its like you tell him it was very bad with you i ddnt get any thing good out of this, i wonder if i choosed someone else how better it could have been.

Beside you say you guys kept having sex so there was sure some kind of emotions there after the break up.

You really insulted him maybe not intentionally but naively/ unintentionally.

You cant ask someone to have understanding for you insulting them.

 

He may have been shocked when you told him that, but ddnt react then but kept feel bad after hanging up.< guessing.

You apologized which is good. But its not up to no one to decide when the other should stop feeling hurt etc.

Since its a ex, let it go. And move on. And learn from your mistakes.

[Saracena]

Calling BS on his message. More than one MONTH later?

 

He's dry at the moment and you are his fallback girl.

 

DON'T be "that" girl.

 

I say ignore, and continue moving on.

 

And please block him!

 

 

Hmm..we can't know this for sure, though. In fact, I would give him the benefit of the doubt as having a rather sensitive boyfriend myself (in addition to being a bit on the sensitive side as well!) I can well believe it has taken this long to reach this stage of being able to 'get over' this. Of course only the OP will know (based on his personality/former history etc) which case is more likely.

[katiegrl]

Hmm..we can't know this for sure, though. In fact, I would give him the benefit of the doubt as having a rather sensitive boyfriend myself (in addition to being a bit on the sensitive side as well!) I can well believe it has taken this long to reach this stage of being able to 'get over' this. Of course only the OP will know (based on his personality/former history etc) which case is more likely.

 

I might be inclined to agree..if not for the fact ALL he wanted with OP ... before this even happened and he dumped her .... was an occasional FWB-type relationship. To which she agreed despite wanting more.

 

This whole situation sounds toxic IMO....

 

I wouldn't trust him and think he's full of crap.

 

JMO

Edited February 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[ilovemefirst]

I would not respond to him. He was so sure he wanted nothing to do with you, and he wanted to hurt u back. He was obviously feeding his bruised ego...you don;t want someone like that in your life..Dont respond!!

[SoulflowerChloe]

I ended up responding prior to receiving feedback from you all. I responded with

 

"Thanks for the apology."

 

To which he responded : "you're welcome"

 

And that was that. I don't feel set back. I just felt it was right to at least aknowledge the apology since I'm working towards being understanding and not harboring in bitter feelings. I don't know if he will reach out again, but I'm not worried about that.

[EatYourVeggies]

Some people on here can be real militant about the whole NC thing. I also don't think all our exes are evil, they have some sort of undiagnosed mental condition or they are the Spawn of Satan and deserve to go through all 7 levels of hell just because we didn't work out.

 

Some of us have been through break ups before, know what to expect / do (we tell you after all), in control of our emotions, can be civil, etc.without it being a negative.

 

Seems like your interaction was a healthy and positive one for you and will do more good than it would of been had you ignored.

Edited February 28, 2016 by EatYourVeggies