I broke NC:(

[Forceawakensme]

Long-time lurker who has spent many a lonely night poring over these threads and finding solace in the outpouring of support and tough-love advice here.

 

I am coming off two year EA/PA w MM. I am 30-something OW.

 

There has been no D-day but after two years of enduring the typical push-pull, breadcrumbs, stomach-churning guilt and fear of being discovered i put an end to it. He was devastated and told me i was the Love of his Life etc -- would leave his wife for me (which i know from reading here has zero chance of actually ever happening) and begged for one more chance. I told him i was tired of the breadcrumbs and wasnt getting anything out of the relationship because it was on his terms. I didn't particularly want him to leave his wife for me, but i was enjoying the relationship very much 'when it was good'.

 

So we got together last weekend. He took a ridiculous risk to see me, in fact, i almost thought he wanted to get caught based on the risk factor. While we had an amazing night, he spent the majority of the night declaring his love and trying to convince me to have a future with him. I kept saying 'its not realistic' to which he would argue reasons why i was wrong. I was pretty clear that i didn't want him to leave his W and felt that all we had was the here and now. After reading about MM and their agendas on here, i thought that would suit him well.

 

Anyway, Something at the end of the night spooked us both and the very real idea of discovery seemed likely. Fortunately it was a false alarm but its resulted in him emailing me after the weekend saying that he cannot carry on. That he cannot control his feelings; he said they are causing him anguish, pain and causing him to make reckless decisions that will result in him getting caught. He said that he has gone back and forth constantly but he is going to be strong and end it.

 

Of course, being the idiot that i am, i wrote him saying 'lets just scale it back and be more careful.. lets keep our feelings in check, but no need to end it entirely'. To which he responded, 'im sorry, i need to just move on completely'.

 

Im now feeling very confused and in pain. I know i said i didn't want him to leave his wife but i am feeling thrown away so quickly and suddenly, its hard for me to see things rationally. I hope people on here can shed some sage logic on to this as i am just a pit of sad and confused emotions right now. My chest is hurting, i feel sick in the stomach and although i know i obviously have to move on, i just wish i knew why his sudden change.

Edited January 14, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Popsicle]

You should have ended it first like you were before!!!

 

He is simply doing that. (Being the one to end it)

 

And no, this does not mean that you meant nothing to him, he's just protecting himself. I'm sure he's in anguish like he said.

 

Just let this go and stay NC.

[RySant]

Long-time lurker who has spent many a lonely night poring over these threads and finding solace in the outpouring of support and tough-love advice here.

 

I am coming off two year EA/PA w MM. I am 30-something OW.

 

There has been no D-day but after two years of enduring the typical push-pull, breadcrumbs, stomach-churning guilt and fear of being discovered i put an end to it. He was devastated and told me i was the Love of his Life etc -- would leave his wife for me (which i know from reading here has zero chance of actually ever happening) and begged for one more chance. I told him i was tired of the breadcrumbs and wasnt getting anything out of the relationship because it was on his terms. I didn't particularly want him to leave his wife for me, but i was enjoying the relationship very much 'when it was good'.

 

So we got together last weekend. He took a ridiculous risk to see me, in fact, i almost thought he wanted to get caught based on the risk factor. While we had an amazing night, he spent the majority of the night declaring his love and trying to convince me to have a future with him. I kept saying 'its not realistic' to which he would argue reasons why i was wrong. I was pretty clear that i didn't want him to leave his W and felt that all we had was the here and now. After reading about MM and their agendas on here, i thought that would suit him well.

 

Anyway, Something at the end of the night spooked us both and the very real idea of discovery seemed likely. Fortunately it was a false alarm but its resulted in him emailing me after the weekend saying that he cannot carry on. That he cannot control his feelings; he said they are causing him anguish, pain and causing him to make reckless decisions that will result in him getting caught. He said that he has gone back and forth constantly but he is going to be strong and end it.

 

Of course, being the idiot that i am, i wrote him saying 'lets just scale it back and be more careful.. lets keep our feelings in check, but no need to end it entirely'. To which he responded, 'im sorry, i need to just move on completely'.

 

Im now feeling very confused and in pain. I know i said i didn't want him to leave his wife but i am feeling thrown away so quickly and suddenly, its hard for me to see things rationally. I hope people on here can shed some sage logic on to this as i am just a pit of sad and confused emotions right now. My chest is hurting, i feel sick in the stomach and although i know i obviously have to move on, i just wish i knew why his sudden change.

 

And here I was thinking that at last an OW is doing a right thing Until the last parts of the post.

 

Anyway, things that you need to consider:

 

1.) Do you want him or not?

2.) Do you want him for good?

3.) Does he want you for good?

4.) Can he leave his wife for you?

 

These are the best questions to answer. But there's also questions that should be bother you if your answer is YES. These are:

 

1.) Are you just thrilled with the forbidden love?

2.) Do you want to continue with this relationship while he's still married?

3.) Are you content being the other woman?

[sandylee1]

Focus on your third paragraph.

 

In reality... being exposed is not worth the risk for him. There's no doubt he loves being with you....but you know that your time together bears no resemblance to being in a genuine open relationship. You get to enjoy each other without the reality of home life /bills/kids /inlaws etc

 

You don't sound like you want him full time..your ego has taken a hit because he pulled the plug on the A.

[Forceawakensme]

You should have ended it first like you were before!!!

 

He is simply doing that. (Being the one to end it)

 

And no, this does not mean that you meant nothing to him, he's just protecting himself. I'm sure he's in anguish like he said.

 

Just let this go and stay NC.

 

 

I know!!! I am such a cautionary tale to end it first -- I can vouch for the fact that it feels far less painful when you end it yourself on a slightly 'angry' note. Feeling like like you are poorly treated and tired of breadcrumbs propels you through those first few days of NC. Now im left with a man who declared his love to me then dropped me like a hot potato in a matter of hours -- BRUTAL.

 

Ugh.. Tonight i am feeling sick and have cancelled plans with friends the entire weekend because i cannot face anybody.

 

Anybody out there, END IT FIRST! --- Gosh, i am kicking myself.

[Forceawakensme]

Focus on your third paragraph.

 

In reality... being exposed is not worth the risk for him. There's no doubt he loves being with you....but you know that your time together bears no resemblance to being in a genuine open relationship. You get to enjoy each other without the reality of home life /bills/kids /inlaws etc

 

You don't sound like you want him full time..your ego has taken a hit because he pulled the plug on the A.

 

Yep 100% true, and although i know this in theory and can see it plain as day in others' stories, it just doesn't speak to my heart and tell me to stop feeling pain.

[burnt]

'sage logic'? More like insane logic.

 

I will try to shed some light, based on my own experience with xMM.

He did the never-ending non-stop push-pull. Now that it's all over, and all I can do is think, the pattern emerges.

 

He pushed relentlessly, until finally I gave in; the moment he finally had me pining for him, he cut it off, he ended it. A bit later, I adjusted, accepted to his terms. Then he started the chase again; the more I resisted, the harder he pushed with the most persuasive passionate expressions of all. Again, finally the moment I fell for him, and as soon as he had me, he had to stand tall and announce that he had to end it.

 

Control. Power. Man in charge.

[Maddieandtae]

Force does it really matter who ends it first? You know it was unhealthy all the push/pull behaviour. His words don't matter it's his actions that need to be remembered. Do you know what you can do first? Keep in no contact, don't break it and ensure you have no way open for him to break it! He gave you a starting point to move forward and not look back:)

[among the pines]

@Forceawakensme - I am sorry you are in such anguish. I know the feeling. I was involved with a MM for the past year until late October. The difference being his W did find out, after which he separated for a few weeks; telling me he wanted to move to be with me. Also, he lives in another state so a lot of our relationship was long distance; we communicated constantly online every day after that but I did not see him after D day, although he kept pushing to.

 

The CD that built up inside me knowing I was in love with a liar & cheater finally became too much to bear and I told him I wanted to take a step back and break off the "relationship" part until he decided what he was going to do.

 

He said the same things your guy said and more - was pulling out all the stops to keep me where I was and said he was completely devastated, the thought of me not being in his life threw him into a deep depression, he wanted me to fight for him and the relationship, how could I throw away what we had etc. Begged me to at least nurture the friendship we had built, etc. etc.

 

Funny thing is I came back in a moment of weakness and told him I'd like to work on the relationship and that is when he said one day at a time, etc. Maybe I crushed his ego, but he also has strong covert narcissist traits so......

 

For me being the OW was a first and last experience. I am an intelligent person and should have foreseen how soul crushing it would be, but of course when emotions are involved logic flies out the window. I never want to be in that type of relationship again, mainly because I wasn't living as my authentic self. I was fighting myself all the time.

 

I am at two months NC and feeling better about myself. I know how horrible it is to feel rejected. But from your comments it does not sounds as though you were happy being the OW, but you didn't want him to leave his wife? - do you think you would have been happy continuing with the status quo until she eventually found out and then the relationship would have been terminated anyway? Just wondering.

[Forceawakensme]

@Forceawakensme - I am sorry you are in such anguish. I know the feeling. I was involved with a MM for the past year until late October. The difference being his W did find out, after which he separated for a few weeks; telling me he wanted to move to be with me. Also, he lives in another state so a lot of our relationship was long distance; we communicated constantly online every day after that but I did not see him after D day, although he kept pushing to.

 

The CD that built up inside me knowing I was in love with a liar & cheater finally became too much to bear and I told him I wanted to take a step back and break off the "relationship" part until he decided what he was going to do.

 

He said the same things your guy said and more - was pulling out all the stops to keep me where I was and said he was completely devastated, the thought of me not being in his life threw him into a deep depression, he wanted me to fight for him and the relationship, how could I throw away what we had etc. Begged me to at least nurture the friendship we had built, etc. etc.

 

Funny thing is I came back in a moment of weakness and told him I'd like to work on the relationship and that is when he said one day at a time, etc. Maybe I crushed his ego, but he also has strong covert narcissist traits so......

 

For me being the OW was a first and last experience. I am an intelligent person and should have foreseen how soul crushing it would be, but of course when emotions are involved logic flies out the window. I never want to be in that type of relationship again, mainly because I wasn't living as my authentic self. I was fighting myself all the time.

 

I am at two months NC and feeling better about myself. I know how horrible it is to feel rejected. But from your comments it does not sounds as though you were happy being the OW, but you didn't want him to leave his wife? - do you think you would have been happy continuing with the status quo until she eventually found out and then the relationship would have been terminated anyway? Just wondering.

 

AmongThePines, Thank you so much for this response. I can relate so much to your words -- very similar situation 'in a moment of weakness' was when i went back. I also think my MM displayed the classic traits of NPD. The relationship was nearly always what served him best, in fact i even pointed this out when i initially broke it off with him and his response was that he was holding himself back a lot in this relationship so as not to get hurt. That and his constant fear of being discovered.

 

You ask a good question as to whether i would have been happy with the status quo. Its hard to say, it was such a rollercoaster that i felt toward the end that i was being treated poorly with his hot/cold, inconsistent/go missing for a few days, pop back up apologizing for being busy' -- approach. Of course, again on our romantic night he declared this was all because of his fear of heart getting too into this and needing to try to reign himself back in. I dont know -- I guess none of it really matters, the theory of it all -- I only know how i feel and my heart hurts.

 

While i think my bruised ego plays into it, i think the reason i feel so much more extreme pain this time is because HE did it and it feels final. Whenever i broke it off, i always kept in the back of my mind (which of course was stupid) that i could undo it if it got too hard...as soon as i missed him.. which i always did.

 

I know he means it this time. His words were final. I also see now that he has removed all avenues to contact me and deleted his email account.

 

Ouch.

[Lois_Griffin]

You'll have your chance to turn him down again.

 

 

He'll come sniffing around when he gets to missing the sex. He'll reach out with one of the classic lies they tell about how he cant live without you and blah blah blah, he'll want to get together and if you do get together, you'll end up having sex.

 

 

Then when he's scratched his itch and gets back home, you'll get the same lame swan song from him again that you got the last time about how he needs to move on.

 

 

Until the next time he's got an itchy d*ck and reaches out again and the cycle repeats itself all over.

 

 

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

 

So, when he comes sniffing around, turn him down. Tell him he's not worth your time and you've moved on to much better things (and pretty much anything IS better than this dead end, so you won't be lying).

 

 

You'll eventually get your chance to be the one to turn him down. You'll see.

[Lois_Griffin]

I know he means it this time. His words were final. I also see now that he has removed all avenues to contact me and deleted his email account.

Ouch.

This is the guy who just a week ago was proclaiming his love for you and telling you he'd leave his wife for you?

 

 

This is EXACTLY why their words mean nothing.

 

 

Their ACTIONS always tell the truth.

[privategal]

I don't know if he threw you away, I just think hes married and cant try to be everything to everyone, make you happy, not get caught, make her happy, be a provider and a Dad and deal with two womens emotions and his own.

It just got too complicated. Once a lot of arguing and real future questions come to light and the AP starts to feel a lot of guilt or stress it is no longer fun. Most people I assume are in it for fun and excitement. It isn't fun or exciting to be breaking up and making up and up and down and worry and fear. I think in the end, even if you too REALLY were actually in love, it doesn't matter, love isn't enough.

When its new its exciting, it creates happiness and both AP feel validated and cared for. But that stage doesn't last. When the threat of Dday combined with arguments, and the fear of changing his whole world to be with you all come into play, it just tarnishes the light fun sexual playful side until it breaks.

He doesn't want to be in a mess anymore. He wants to have a good life and I don't think they go away hating us (the men), women seem more prone to anger and utter rejection feelings. I think the MM just get extremely logical and finally think, this is hurting her, me, and it cant be sustained, and they hold onto the happy memories, and end it.

That's not how it ALWAYS happens, Im just suggesting it seems feasible this might be what happens in a lot of cases.

[among the pines]

I'm so sorry; I know that hurt. I don't consider myself an egotistical person, but mine was bruised too even though I had been originally the one saying I needed some space & time. From reading the posts on here it seems most of them are very controlling, and when it is covert it's really hard to grasp whilst it's happening and you are in the middle of it. Only after rereading a lot of emails could I see it clearly.

 

Mine deleted his FB account, and I am sure he has blocked me on email & phone, although I don't know this for a fact. He did me a favor. If you can manage to not reach out to him and get a little time in you will start to gain some perspective. You can do this!

[Forceawakensme]

You'll have your chance to turn him down again.

 

 

He'll come sniffing around when he gets to missing the sex. He'll reach out with one of the classic lies they tell about how he cant live without you and blah blah blah, he'll want to get together and if you do get together, you'll end up having sex.

 

 

Then when he's scratched his itch and gets back home, you'll get the same lame swan song from him again that you got the last time about how he needs to move on.

 

 

Until the next time he's got an itchy d*ck and reaches out again and the cycle repeats itself all over.

 

 

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

 

So, when he comes sniffing around, turn him down. Tell him he's not worth your time and you've moved on to much better things (and pretty much anything IS better than this dead end, so you won't be lying).

 

 

You'll eventually get your chance to be the one to turn him down. You'll see.

 

Lois -- thank you... and yes, absolutely, thats it. You have his number. Pathetic really. Ugh, its not lost on me that for me to have gone along with this twisted game for two years that im not much better than him. I cant judge him for seeking ego strokes, attention and adoration, i was clamoring for the same thing.

 

Right now, i know i just need to sit with the withdrawals i suppose. That depression that has sucked the energy and life right out of me is clouding my ability to see that this is or the best and this will pass. I feel i am letting a lot of people down around me, cancelling plans.. i just cant face anybody right now. I am too distracted to even concentrate on simple tasks, let alone see people who will know something is severely up with me.

 

Day at a time i guess. Just wish the nausea would subside along with feelings of humiliation and shame. I really handed over my dignity and power on a silver platter to him in the end.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I don't know if he threw you away, I just think hes married and cant try to be everything to everyone, make you happy, not get caught, make her happy, be a provider and a Dad and deal with two womens emotions and his own.

It just got too complicated. Once a lot of arguing and real future questions come to light and the AP starts to feel a lot of guilt or stress it is no longer fun. Most people I assume are in it for fun and excitement. It isn't fun or exciting to be breaking up and making up and up and down and worry and fear. I think in the end, even if you too REALLY were actually in love, it doesn't matter, love isn't enough.

When its new its exciting, it creates happiness and both AP feel validated and cared for. But that stage doesn't last. When the threat of Dday combined with arguments, and the fear of changing his whole world to be with you all come into play, it just tarnishes the light fun sexual playful side until it breaks.

He doesn't want to be in a mess anymore. He wants to have a good life and I don't think they go away hating us (the men), women seem more prone to anger and utter rejection feelings. I think the MM just get extremely logical and finally think, this is hurting her, me, and it cant be sustained, and they hold onto the happy memories, and end it.

That's not how it ALWAYS happens, Im just suggesting it seems feasible this might be what happens in a lot of cases.

 

this is an amazing post! thank you! i think it clearly states what i felt happened with me and my MM.

 

force- i totally get how you're feeling. though my A was shorter than yours, i was (am) still so hurt that he seemed to so easily cast me aside. he really didn't seem all that bothered when breaking up with me. i swore if it ended i would be ok, my eyes were open, i could see this for what it was. i even considered ending it myself just about every day. and yet... when the end came it felt like it took the wind out of me.

 

we broke up once before and when talking about how we felt after he basically said what he felt the most was relief. and while i understand that i can't deny that it totally hurt my feelings. but then again- my feelings were the least important thing in the whole A.

 

i am on day 6 of nc. one day at a time indeed. we can do this together

[among the pines]

I agree with everything Privategal said. I do believe mine loved me very much, but everything got too overwhelming. My lingering question is "if" I hadn't kind of blown hot & cold and I didn't get so stressed & guilty myself - if I could have remained supportive & patient (he told me could I wait a year fro him to get everyone settled) instead of kind of freaking out - would things be different? Because I'm sure it was getting it from both sides. He told me exactly what Privategal stated above - almost verbatim.

 

I do know for a fact his self esteem was severely damaged & he seemed to be very depressed toward the end as well. Affairs by their very nature are very damaging for all parties involved.

[OWAmy]

It's so true what Lois says. He'll be back. When I cut mine off first time around I thought if there's ever a MM who won't come back it's mine and he did! What entailed was a very messy six months of the rollercoaster ride of emotions. In the end he did leave at which point neither his wife (who he'd also hurt in the decision making process) nor I wanted any more to do with him.

 

It is so much easier to move on when you are the one to end and it's highly likely you will get that opportunity soon enough. I was able to end mine finally with respect for myself.

 

Also keep busy - even if you don't feel like doing anything, do small things. Go for a walk, tidy your house, listen to pod casts, study a language online, organise things, book future trips, meet a friend for a quick coffee. Bear in mind that his life will not have come to a standstill and yours shouldn't either. In a few months you'll begin to feel like a new you has emerged !!

[Forceawakensme]

I don't know if he threw you away, I just think hes married and cant try to be everything to everyone, make you happy, not get caught, make her happy, be a provider and a Dad and deal with two womens emotions and his own.

It just got too complicated. Once a lot of arguing and real future questions come to light and the AP starts to feel a lot of guilt or stress it is no longer fun. Most people I assume are in it for fun and excitement. It isn't fun or exciting to be breaking up and making up and up and down and worry and fear. I think in the end, even if you too REALLY were actually in love, it doesn't matter, love isn't enough.

When its new its exciting, it creates happiness and both AP feel validated and cared for. But that stage doesn't last. When the threat of Dday combined with arguments, and the fear of changing his whole world to be with you all come into play, it just tarnishes the light fun sexual playful side until it breaks.

He doesn't want to be in a mess anymore. He wants to have a good life and I don't think they go away hating us (the men), women seem more prone to anger and utter rejection feelings. I think the MM just get extremely logical and finally think, this is hurting her, me, and it cant be sustained, and they hold onto the happy memories, and end it.

That's not how it ALWAYS happens, Im just suggesting it seems feasible this might be what happens in a lot of cases.

 

Thanks Privategal.. i always love your posts. Straight to the point and on the money.

 

It helps to hear (and you're probably right) that he's just being extremely logical as opposed to having any bad feelings toward me. I feel less humiliated/ashamed if who dumped who/rejection is out of the equation, it feels more mutual and palatable and at the end of the day, sensible. I can get behind that.

[carhill]

Expect that future faking and the potential for sudden endings are a part of the milieu. The MM isn't available for a full and exclusive relationship so one must accept that reality and decide what their boundaries are and what is acceptable. One can certainly choose to have an affair which meets their terms and boundaries, and leave affairs which don't. It's a personal choice.

 

MM's are individuals and each has their own psyche, history, perspective and style. I can tell you how I processed things as a MM but that would be meaningless to your MM. He's his own man. IMO, do what you need to do for you and things will work out accordingly. The advice to focus on other aspects of life is IMO elemental to moving on. I trust you've had some wonderful memories with MM. That's a gift. OK. Next.

[Forceawakensme]

this is an amazing post! thank you! i think it clearly states what i felt happened with me and my MM.

 

force- i totally get how you're feeling. though my A was shorter than yours, i was (am) still so hurt that he seemed to so easily cast me aside. he really didn't seem all that bothered when breaking up with me. i swore if it ended i would be ok, my eyes were open, i could see this for what it was. i even considered ending it myself just about every day. and yet... when the end came it felt like it took the wind out of me.

 

we broke up once before and when talking about how we felt after he basically said what he felt the most was relief. and while i understand that i can't deny that it totally hurt my feelings. but then again- my feelings were the least important thing in the whole A.

 

i am on day 6 of nc. one day at a time indeed. we can do this together

 

 

100% this.. 'took the wind right out of me' .. yet i considered almost daily ending it. I suppose by how much he said he loved me and how he had never even slightly broken it off before i just never thought he would-- and when he did it and with such crisp finality after weeks of begging me -- well thats when i found myself swallowing my pride with the embarrassing 'can we at least keep SOME of it going... ' ie lowering my expectations to a level that i had previously said wasn't acceptable.

 

 

I know healing and closure has to come from me now.. i have to forgive myself for so much. Aside from engaging in something like this...but also for ridding myself of my self-respect and dignity with the final 11th hour beg.

[whatatangledweb]

You get your power back by blocking him so he can never contact you again.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I agree with everything Privategal said. I do believe mine loved me very much, but everything got too overwhelming. My lingering question is "if" I hadn't kind of blown hot & cold and I didn't get so stressed & guilty myself - if I could have remained supportive & patient (he told me could I wait a year fro him to get everyone settled) instead of kind of freaking out - would things be different? Because I'm sure it was getting it from both sides. He told me exactly what Privategal stated above - almost verbatim.

 

I do know for a fact his self esteem was severely damaged & he seemed to be very depressed toward the end as well. Affairs by their very nature are very damaging for all parties involved.

 

i have been thinking that too! but honestly, i don't think there's anything we could have done. i think these things are destined to implode at some point. and the fact is- could you really have remained supportive and patient? and if so- at what cost to you? i tried so hard not to let my own feelings get in the way, to be patient and understanding and to not say anything to upset him and i felt like i lost myself by doing that. it felt like crap. so would i want to sign up for more of that? not really. you know?

[S2B]

He will be back... They always come back when things settle down and they get bored and need another ego feed.

 

 

Question is - will you be willing to accept less crumbs than before? I hope not.

 

I hope you take action to block him now so when he does decide to contact you - it won't be possible.

 

Take care of yourself now.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Oh and I agree about getting out and making yourself do stuff. We broke up last friday. Friday I left work early, took my dog and climbed into bed. I only got up to eat and walk her. Saturday- after a very long morning walk- I moped around a bit and then forced myself to have a friend over before we went to a party. Sunday I went to brunch with friends and then had my neighbors over to watch the Golden Globes. It helped A LOT to get out of my own head and while I was probably quieter than usual it was nice just to listen to people and not obsess. And having some wine, some good laughs and hearing a compliment or two never hurt anyone.

 

It's totally understandable if you don't want to go anywhere (after our first breakup, I stayed home for the whole weekend.) But if you can try and bring yourself to do something with a friend it could really help.