I broke NC:(

[among the pines]

I know what you mean. I don't think I could have remained in limbo land much longer. It's just counter intuitive to what a normal open full time relationship is supposed to be. I do feel as though I lost myself, at least to some degree, and I think it would have continued to chip away and erode my self identity even more. Our self respect is pretty much in the toilet after compromising ourselves in relationships built on lies and deceit. The good news is you are better than that and can use this as an opportunity to move on with your life!

[whichwayisup]

Long-time lurker who has spent many a lonely night poring over these threads and finding solace in the outpouring of support and tough-love advice here.

 

I am coming off two year EA/PA w MM. I am 30-something OW.

 

There has been no D-day but after two years of enduring the typical push-pull, breadcrumbs, stomach-churning guilt and fear of being discovered i put an end to it. He was devastated and told me i was the Love of his Life etc -- would leave his wife for me (which i know from reading here has zero chance of actually ever happening) and begged for one more chance. I told him i was tired of the breadcrumbs and wasnt getting anything out of the relationship because it was on his terms. I didn't particularly want him to leave his wife for me, but i was enjoying the relationship very much 'when it was good'.

 

So we got together last weekend. He took a ridiculous risk to see me, in fact, i almost thought he wanted to get caught based on the risk factor. While we had an amazing night, he spent the majority of the night declaring his love and trying to convince me to have a future with him. I kept saying 'its not realistic' to which he would argue reasons why i was wrong. I was pretty clear that i didn't want him to leave his W and felt that all we had was the here and now. After reading about MM and their agendas on here, i thought that would suit him well.

 

Anyway, Something at the end of the night spooked us both and the very real idea of discovery seemed likely. Fortunately it was a false alarm but its resulted in him emailing me after the weekend saying that he cannot carry on. That he cannot control his feelings; he said they are causing him anguish, pain and causing him to make reckless decisions that will result in him getting caught. He said that he has gone back and forth constantly but he is going to be strong and end it.

 

Of course, being the idiot that i am, i wrote him saying 'lets just scale it back and be more careful.. lets keep our feelings in check, but no need to end it entirely'. To which he responded, 'im sorry, i need to just move on completely'.

 

Im now feeling very confused and in pain. I know i said i didn't want him to leave his wife but i am feeling thrown away so quickly and suddenly, its hard for me to see things rationally. I hope people on here can shed some sage logic on to this as i am just a pit of sad and confused emotions right now. My chest is hurting, i feel sick in the stomach and although i know i obviously have to move on, i just wish i knew why his sudden change.

 

As much as you don't want to hear this, the guy has every right to change his mind and end the affair. He was never obligated to you. Affairs don't last forever and he seems to have been at the end of his rope, wanting to walk away. I know you're hurting and confused, but for your own sanity respect his wishes and leave him alone. Chasing him and pushing friendship or trying to keep the door open a crack will only do damage to you and make you look desperate in his eyes.

 

I hope you realize that this is the best thing that could happen to you. Your whole life now has been wrapped up in him all the meanwhile he already had a life with wife and (kids)family. You weren't first on his list, you saw him on his terms and time frame. Don't you want MORE? A family, a husband and kids of your own one day? You say you didn't want him to leave his wife so the alternative is, the A or it ending completely.

 

Please stay strong and get counseling to help you cope with this in a healthy way so you don't give yourself hope and hang onto him.

[Forceawakensme]

As much as you don't want to hear this, the guy has every right to change his mind and end the affair. He was never obligated to you. Affairs don't last forever and he seems to have been at the end of his rope, wanting to walk away. I know you're hurting and confused, but for your own sanity respect his wishes and leave him alone. Chasing him and pushing friendship or trying to keep the door open a crack will only do damage to you and make you look desperate in his eyes.

 

I hope you realize that this is the best thing that could happen to you. Your whole life now has been wrapped up in him all the meanwhile he already had a life with wife and (kids)family. You weren't first on his list, you saw him on his terms and time frame. Don't you want MORE? A family, a husband and kids of your own one day? You say you didn't want him to leave his wife so the alternative is, the A or it ending completely.

 

Please stay strong and get counseling to help you cope with this in a healthy way so you don't give yourself hope and hang onto him.

 

Thank you for this.. i needed to read it directed to me. Ive read these sentiments so many times on this forum but it needed to be said to me -- Thank you.

 

Its over. No going back.

 

Now i just have to stop the bleeding and start to heal.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

You're going to be okay. One day at a time, one hour at time. Really cry and grieve the loss of him. Be kind to yourself and most of all, forgive... Rid of any anger and resentment in your heart. (as time goes on of course, gotta go through the stages of grieving)

[Forceawakensme]

But i am seriously coming here asking for someone to help me not break NC.

 

Here's my ridiculous thinking: --- I keep thinking that i wasn't being truthful when i told him not to leave his wife for me. He said over and over that he wants us to make serious plans to be together but i kept rebuffing him.

 

I cant help but think this rebuffing is what has driven him away so suddenly. His break-up email to me was basically.. he is in pain if we cant be together he cant see me at all. Not even for sex (which was my suggestion, yeah i know.. ).

 

The rational part of me says.. 'you dont even know if he would have left his wife for you, probably not' ... -- But the 'in love' part keeps saying "He is ending this relationship based on you not being truthful and open about your feelings".

 

Ok .. So now, please slap some sense in to me before i send him a one-line message telling him that i DO want him to leave his wife for me. I was wrong and scared but its what i want. - Ugh -- Yes, pathetic.. and bound to shred any last piece of dignity im clinging on to if he responds with 'sorry, still not interested in getting back together'.

[Cymbeline]

We always want what we can't quite have. That goes for both of you. If his marriage was unhappy, he would be likely to leave it with or without you, now he knows what an alternative feels like. Also you know from these boards how married people (especially men) get involved in their fantasy and play it out in discussions with their AP, only to be jolted into reality later. If he is serious he will reach out again and you can then say you will see him when he is divorced.

 

I would worry that this is a bit of an ego thing for him. I am surprised how many 'normal' men seem to need, with a kind of ruthlessness, to be the one

To officially end things.

 

The thing is, if there is any chance he is thinking of leaving for you rather than because the marriage is truly over, you will have a tough ride.

 

Don't underestimate how scary it will be for him to leave what is likely to be a comfortable marriage for what will be a gamble. If he were truly brave and clear sighted, he wouldn't be in an affair.

 

For home, The reality of the walk out through the front door is a long and frightening one.

[RySant]

But i am seriously coming here asking for someone to help me not break NC.

 

Here's my ridiculous thinking: --- I keep thinking that i wasn't being truthful when i told him not to leave his wife for me. He said over and over that he wants us to make serious plans to be together but i kept rebuffing him.

 

I cant help but think this rebuffing is what has driven him away so suddenly. His break-up email to me was basically.. he is in pain if we cant be together he cant see me at all. Not even for sex (which was my suggestion, yeah i know.. ).

 

The rational part of me says.. 'you dont even know if he would have left his wife for you, probably not' ... -- But the 'in love' part keeps saying "He is ending this relationship based on you not being truthful and open about your feelings".

 

Ok .. So now, please slap some sense in to me before i send him a one-line message telling him that i DO want him to leave his wife for me. I was wrong and scared but its what i want. - Ugh -- Yes, pathetic.. and bound to shred any last piece of dignity im clinging on to if he responds with 'sorry, still not interested in getting back together'.

 

If he is that emotionally invested in you and he really wants to leave his wife, then go on. It WILL create too much pain for the wife (which I pity) but if leaving her is inevitable and that her having her husband, in its sense, just a lie, then your MM must sort this out already.

 

If you'll contact him, give an ultimatum. If not, then stay NC. (The latter is very noble and for me morally right, but if you'll give in to your weakness and indulge, go)

[goodyblue]

Ok. You don't want him to leave for you. The thing is... two years is a lot of your life that you have used being with someone who is with someone else. Is his marriage truly miserable or is he just not a faithful guy? Do you really think he would leave? Do you think he would be faithful to you?

 

When my h left his ex, part of it was for "us". And honestly I don't think he would have left had I not been involved. He would have spent the rest of his life in a lonely, miserable, loveless marriage. So... for us, I am glad it happened. We were in therapy because we needed to forgive ourselves for the fallout that we caused.

 

From very early on our plan was to be together. There was no game playing and neither of us were happy with how things were. His child was grown and so he was leaving his marriage, not his family (although I feel if you are miserable you should leave because it is not fair to your family anyway).

 

I guess what I am saying is... this is not easy and you had better be concrete in what you want and he needs to be as well. You can't make him leave because even if you did, he would resent you. It needs to be a mutual agreement between you two.

 

This is not even taking into account the fallout for his wife. He will be blowing up her life and if he doesn't love her, he should leave with or without you because it is not fair to her. I certainly do not want to be in a loveliness relationship and I am sure she does not either.

 

So. My question: if he does not love his wife, loves you, wants to be with you... why is he NC with you and still living with her?

[minimariah]

does he have kids?

[goodyblue]

He will be back... They always come back when things settle down and they get bored and need another ego feed.

 

 

Question is - will you be willing to accept less crumbs than before? I hope not.

 

I hope you take action to block him now so when he does decide to contact you - it won't be possible.

 

Take care of yourself now.

 

Yep... take care of yourself.

 

I always say "If you are worrying about him and he is worrying about him, who is worrying about you?" Take care of you.

Edited January 15, 2016 by goodyblue

[Forceawakensme]

does he have kids?

 

 

Yes 2 kids -- 5 and 7. These are the reasons why i didn't want him to leave his wife for me.

 

HIs marriage is ok -- not terrible. I think he could plod along in it for the rest of his life -- if he was miserable i would have been telling him to leave but he wasn't. He wont leave her, not when hes 'ok' with it and can stay w his kids. He'd leave only if there was a chance at true happiness w me (he says).

 

Its purely because of his feelings for me he spoke of leaving ---

 

It all sounds so cliche. I just wish i'd been honest w him when he asked me. I was just thinking i would tell him later.. if things developed but he ended them abruptly. Now, i just wish he'd had all the accurate information in order to make an informed decision.

[Forceawakensme]

i just screwed up by not being honest when he really asked me. I really drove home the message that if he left his wife i wouldn't be waiting for him.. why? -- i guess because i just didn't want him to do it 'for me'. Though, i dont think he'd ever leave if he didn't know he had a chance w me. He'll just tolerate and make-do. Of course, this makes me feel terrible for his wife -- it sucks for her -- (but shes obviously a victim of all sorts in this arrangement).

 

I know how gross this whole thing is. Ugh, i just wish i didn't have such a painful chest right now. Sadness and just depression. I hope this too shall effing pass.

[Cymbeline]

But you haven't screwed up. You have wisely forced him to evaluate if his marriage is one he wants to leave. It seems it isn't. This means that had he left for you he would probably boomerang back and forth and drive you to the brink of insanity.

 

It is entirely possible that there is nothing wrong with his marriage except habituation. Family life is precious but also very routine. The same habituation will happen for every couple. Somewhere inside, he probably understands that.

 

If you have to promise to be there for a soft landing, then he isn't truly serious about leaving. He sees an attractive self, reflected in your eyes. If your eyes are not available, is he still that man? He doesn't seem sure.

[privategal]

But i am seriously coming here asking for someone to help me not break NC.

 

Here's my ridiculous thinking: --- I keep thinking that i wasn't being truthful when i told him not to leave his wife for me. He said over and over that he wants us to make serious plans to be together but i kept rebuffing him.

 

I cant help but think this rebuffing is what has driven him away so suddenly. His break-up email to me was basically.. he is in pain if we cant be together he cant see me at all. Not even for sex (which was my suggestion, yeah i know.. ).

 

The rational part of me says.. 'you dont even know if he would have left his wife for you, probably not' ... -- But the 'in love' part keeps saying "He is ending this relationship based on you not being truthful and open about your feelings".

 

Ok .. So now, please slap some sense in to me before i send him a one-line message telling him that i DO want him to leave his wife for me. I was wrong and scared but its what i want. - Ugh -- Yes, pathetic.. and bound to shred any last piece of dignity im clinging on to if he responds with 'sorry, still not interested in getting back together'.

 

Hi love, listen, in your first post you said this:

"two years of enduring the typical push-pull, breadcrumbs, stomach-churning guilt and fear of being discovered i put an end to it."

 

Push pull, breadcrumbs? Everything on his terms? You want to go back to that hm?

He said ok ok I'll leave her, I'll leave her as you were breaking up with HIM. He was playing the Only card he had left to get you to stay and be his side peice.

 

He had TWO YEARS to say I want to leave to be with you. You dont breadcrumb and push/pull someone you are truly planning a future with.

 

Look, your in shock right now, the end came really sudden and fast. You wanted it over, now that you see he does as well you feel rejected. The song he's playing now is, since it cant be on my terms, you will get punished with nothing now.

You wavered on your breaking up giving him power to break up with you and now it hurts.

 

But...your single...free to travel and date and have fun. He is trapped and back to the same old same old marriage he used you to escape from. His W cant be all that great in his eyes if he spoke of leaving her? Now ALL he has is her cause your done.

IF you reach out to him, expect more manipulation. He will eat your dignity for breakfast. Dont do it ever ever ever ever.

Let....him.....G-O!

Your in your 30's, your prime. Act like it.

[Forceawakensme]

Hi love, listen, in your first post you said this:

"two years of enduring the typical push-pull, breadcrumbs, stomach-churning guilt and fear of being discovered i put an end to it."

 

Push pull, breadcrumbs? Everything on his terms? You want to go back to that hm?

He said ok ok I'll leave her, I'll leave her as you were breaking up with HIM. He was playing the Only card he had left to get you to stay and be his side peice.

 

He had TWO YEARS to say I want to leave to be with you. You dont breadcrumb and push/pull someone you are truly planning a future with.

 

Look, your in shock right now, the end came really sudden and fast. You wanted it over, now that you see he does as well you feel rejected. The song he's playing now is, since it cant be on my terms, you will get punished with nothing now.

You wavered on your breaking up giving him power to break up with you and now it hurts.

 

But...your single...free to travel and date and have fun. He is trapped and back to the same old same old marriage he used you to escape from. His W cant be all that great in his eyes if he spoke of leaving her? Now ALL he has is her cause your done.

IF you reach out to him, expect more manipulation. He will eat your dignity for breakfast. Dont do it ever ever ever ever.

Let....him.....G-O!

Your in your 30's, your prime. Act like it.

 

 

Wow. Speechless --- Thank you So so much. You have summed up my situation perfectly and reading it here in black and white has given me the cattle prod wake-up that i need right now. At least to get through today --- Tomorrow is another day, I'll be reading it again in the morning.. if not every hour until then. Thank you PG!! Big time.

[Forceawakensme]

The song he's playing now is, since it cant be on my terms, you will get punished with nothing now.

 

 

 

Yes Privategal. This... So this 100% !!

[Forceawakensme]

But you haven't screwed up. You have wisely forced him to evaluate if his marriage is one he wants to leave. It seems it isn't. This means that had he left for you he would probably boomerang back and forth and drive you to the brink of insanity.

 

It is entirely possible that there is nothing wrong with his marriage except habituation. Family life is precious but also very routine. The same habituation will happen for every couple. Somewhere inside, he probably understands that.

 

If you have to promise to be there for a soft landing, then he isn't truly serious about leaving. He sees an attractive self, reflected in your eyes. If your eyes are not available, is he still that man? He doesn't seem sure.

 

Very wise words.. Thank you. Now, i just need to really let the "seeing his attractive self in my eyes" resonate and realize its not me, its just how i made him feel.

[Popsicle]

But i am seriously coming here asking for someone to help me not break NC.

 

Here's my ridiculous thinking: --- I keep thinking that i wasn't being truthful when i told him not to leave his wife for me. He said over and over that he wants us to make serious plans to be together but i kept rebuffing him.

 

I cant help but think this rebuffing is what has driven him away so suddenly. His break-up email to me was basically.. he is in pain if we cant be together he cant see me at all. Not even for sex (which was my suggestion, yeah i know.. ).

 

The rational part of me says.. 'you dont even know if he would have left his wife for you, probably not' ... -- But the 'in love' part keeps saying "He is ending this relationship based on you not being truthful and open about your feelings".

 

Ok .. So now, please slap some sense in to me before i send him a one-line message telling him that i DO want him to leave his wife for me. I was wrong and scared but its what i want. - Ugh -- Yes, pathetic.. and bound to shred any last piece of dignity im clinging on to if he responds with 'sorry, still not interested in getting back together'.

 

 

No, no, that was just what he said that sounded good. He would have never left his wife anyway and just didn't want you to be the one dumping him (which is devastating).

 

You can't stay together just to have a draw. Someone has to be the one to end it so I just say let him have it, since it's already done.

[Forceawakensme]

Yep... take care of yourself.

 

I always say "If you are worrying about him and he is worrying about him, who is worrying about you?" Take care of you.

 

heh golden. I love it.. so true. I have no doubt in my mind he is worrying about him right now --

 

Its the disbelief and hope that lingers 'he will come back and realize he made a mistake' -- I have to write this out so i can see how warped my thinking is.

 

If this was a friend telling me her story, i would think she was plain nuts -- especially knowing the guy and the way he has treated me. He is not worth this anguish .. So why on earth does my chest feel the need to hurt? My brain is telling it to snap out of it.

[Forceawakensme]

Everybody who has taken the time to post on my threads -- I cant tell you how much i appreciate it. I havn't spoken to anybody about this so to share it with people who understand is truly getting me through these dark hours.

[privategal]

Wow. Speechless --- Thank you So so much. You have summed up my situation perfectly and reading it here in black and white has given me the cattle prod wake-up that i need right now. At least to get through today --- Tomorrow is another day, I'll be reading it again in the morning.. if not every hour until then. Thank you PG!! Big time.

No problem...its like your dying to learn to swim in the ocean...dying to get in the water and swim...then the moment comes and you take the leap off the boat...and your immediately overwhelmed and want the safety and comfort of the boat back.

 

You wanted to be free...but then your afraid, the lonliness hits like a tidal wave, the feeling of rejection hurts the ego and self esteem, and suddenly you wish to go back to the safety and comfort and the familiar texts and emails, you'd even take a breadcrumb over feeling the way you are.

 

I can only say push through. I can still remember the first time I genuinely smiled after I was coldly ended with by xeap...I was shocked by my own smile, shocked I had made it through that many days without him and no longer reaching for him. It was AMAZING! But in those early days, could barely get dressed, had chest pain, cried so much I thought my eyeballs might pop out.

Its a real unsettling time. I also changed my number, closed my email. I did better than blocking cause I thought Im not desperate...Im not the girl who will be used, dropped, then wait on him to change his mind.

 

You WILL survive this.

He will be miserable.

His life is not a hallmark commercial.

Let him keep walking.

[Maddieandtae]

You don't need to be slapped! :0 You could be in an bargaining stage where you think if you did something different the outcome would have been different which is true but would it have been a good different? Maybe he would have disappeared sooner or fed you different lies that would have you stuck in limbo for much longer. You have a fresh start to move on and find what makes you happy for your future. Learn from your past just don't stay there to long as it's not healthy. Would have /could have /should have /won't help, I know this from experience. Focus on you and make yourself an priority not an option:)

[Popsicle]

This is getting really interesting....

 

i just screwed up by not being honest when he really asked me.

 

Stop beating yourself up unneccessarily about this. I'm pretty sure that if you had done the opposite (be "honest") he still wouldn't have left his wife and would have then complained about the pressure you have put him under when he is not ready to leave. No matter which way you act or which way you slice it, the MM usually will never leave.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Popsicle

[brothers343]

You will get through it.....the memory of him will stay, forever. Everything else will fade away through time and space. Some man never leave there wives but that memory of that person you had the affair will never leave either. Not fully that is.

[brothers343]

Don't make it complicated on yourself. His not going to leave his wife and kids and all the (stuff) that comes with it. And it really doesn't help to rationalize if he would have left or not. It is just simpler to say that he was not. His not in that 5 or 10 percent that do. Im sorry if I sound harsh but it's the truth. Move on and find someone that's truly going to love you.