I am in so much pain! I cheated on my perfect husband!

[painin]

I don't know where to begin. We have been married for 16 years. We are what most people call as the "perfect couple". My husband loves me unconditionally. And, I love him beyond anything.

 

Yet, seven years ago I cheated on him. The affair was short lived. Maybe two months, and he found it out via the emails. I told him the truth. We just met twice and kissed in car. No other physical intimacy. He was a married man. He realized his mistake and we never talked again.

 

Since, than my life with my husband has been great. (or so what I thought) In 2013, I ended up cheating on him again with my next door neighbor. The relationship evolved from texting to me giving him oral twice in last three years. We had no intimacy or contact in 2015 or this year. Just few texts. I don't even like him. I have zero attraction towards him. I could never bring myself to have sex with any other men except my husband. Yet, I did these two horrible mistakes.

 

My husband just told me two days ago that he was not able to forgive me completely for my first mistake. This came as a shock and a big surprise to me, as I believed he had completely forgiven me truly. Which, is the reason I decided to tell him the truth about my second time around.

 

He did not believe me first. So, I made him call my neighbor and asked him to tell the entire truth. He told my husband the truth. No relationship at all just oral twice in last three years. I obviously have ended my relationship with this guy. I love my husband a lot. I don't know why I did what I did.

 

He is devastated. The pain is unbearable for me to see. He is suffering and I am suffering with him. I don't know what to do and how to ease his pain. I promised him that this will never happen again, but its hard for him to forgive me right now. I know, it's too soon. Time will tell. I have marriage therapy booked for next week. I am supportive, am willing to listen and care for him. I don't want to lose him. But, ultimately I feel it's his decision. I might have loved and lost!

Edited January 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~T

[Mrs. John Adams]

First.. Let me say what you are describing is fear not pain. The reality of what you have done has slapped you in the face and you are scared to death of the consequences because your fate lies in someone else's control.

 

Read the book how to help you spouse heal from your affair by Linda macdonald. It is a free download and 95 pages.

 

If you are truly ready to face the music.. It is pretty much a step by step how to book.

[Chi townD]

Okay, first it's a good thing that you were truthful to him because you owe him the truth. Second, it's a good thing that you've booked yourselves for a marriage counselor.

 

 

But, look into this counselor and ensure that he/she specializes in infidelity. Don't go to any run of the mill counselor, or what I like to call "The Dr. Phil/Oprah" Counselor. These counselors will make it seem that you cheated because HE didn't do this, that or the other. That it was HIS fault that you cheated. But, here's the rub, the choice to cheat was 100% on you. He had nothing to do with that. A counselor that specializes is going to make you own up to your own sh*t.

 

 

So, right now, your words mean NOTHING to him. You told him the last time that this would never happen again, and it did. Only this time was worse than the last. So, he has no reason to believe you. Your actions need to speak louder than your words. That means that you have to be completely transparent with him. Handing over your phone when he wants to see it. Giving him all of your passwords to emails, facebook and all of your social media. If your counselor recommends certain books for you to read, get them and READ them. Let your husband see that you're reading them. Or be proactive and find those books on your own and let him see you reading them. He may have a lot of questions and it may seem that he's asking the same questions over, and over and over again. Just let him ask them and do NOT complain about it. Just roll with it. And if he needs to vent (without become violent) then let him vent. And he may say some EXTREMELY hurtful things to you. Just expect it. Because he wants you to experience the hurt that he's having. He needs you to understand his hurt.

 

 

If you leave, you notify him exactly where you're going and what you're doing and how long you're going to be. Here's the rub, your husband is going to be going on a trip and it's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute, he's okay, the next he's crying his eyes out. One minute he seems to be happy, the next he's screaming at you. One minute he can't picture a life without you, the next minute he can't even stand to look at you and is completely disgusted. Lot's of ups and downs. Question is, are you strong enough to ride this ride with him?

 

 

Another thing that may or may not happen. He may want to have sex with you and A LOT of it. DO NOT READ INTO THIS BUT DO NOT DENY HIM! If he wants it, you give it to him. This is something called hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious, primal and animalistic response from him to "reclaim" what he believes is his. DO NOT look at this as some sort of forgiveness from him. It's just a subconscious response, so don't read too much into it. It is what it is.

 

 

By doing these things should help you. But, he's the deal. You were in the driver seat when you decided to cheat. He's now in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes. You don't have a say in his decision. If he wants to end the marriage; well, there's really not much you can do. But, you may have a chance if he SEE'S you trying to correct yourself. Again, he has no reason to trust or believe you.

 

 

But you need to be completely open and honest with him. DO NOT blame him for your actions. You need to complete own up to this. And you need to be completely open and honest with us. One thing you'll find out about this place, is if you're truly remorseful about what you've done, you'll find people will be more apt to help you. They'll say, "YES! YOU SCREWED UP AND DID AN EVIL THING! Now, here's how you can fix it."

 

 

Now, there might be some people that may say some hurtful things or say things that may sting. But, you have to remember that you're coming to a place where people have been hurt by the same actions you did to your husband. Do not take it personally. Your story may have triggered them. So, take away the advice that you can use and ignore the rest.

[The D Train]

Why are you giving a neighbor guy who you don't like or have any attraction to oral? Were you drunk? Did you want to get back or even at husband for something he did?

 

 

Not to be crass but did your neighbor finish in your mouth? That would be very hard for me to take as a husband.

[TX-SC]

You are a broken person. Only a therapist can set you straight. The fact that you are a serial cheater indicates that you have some srtious issues and likely cannot fix this on your own. You need IC, immediately, not a marriage counselor. It's not your marriage that needs fixing, it's you.

[darkbloom]

I don't think perfect means what you think it means.

 

If things with your husband really were perfect, you would not have cheated on him. Twice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I doubt your husband is perfect but he certainly did not deserve what you have done to him.

 

You do need to address your demons that all of us waywards have... Or we would not have made the choices we did.

 

One of the things you need to do right now is become completely transparent. Answer his questions honestly. Give him all passwords emails... Anything he asks for.

 

And above all remember... You may be in fear... But the pain you have caused him will take a very long time to heal. Be very supportive of him and be very aware of the pain you have caused. This is no longer about you... This is about him.

[The D Train]

Broader question for me, how do spouses ever become close, intimate with the cheating spouse? If my wife had another guys you know what in her mouth and finished him off, I could never kiss her again, ever. Same with sex but I think oral would be worse for me.

 

 

Even if it were just kissing it would be extremely difficult for me. Maybe I could get over that or come up with some sort of living arrangement for kids sake.

[Jersey born raised]

I don't understand why you did what you did twice now. What were your dating sexual habits and why ?

 

You know your actions ripped your husbands heart and soul into pieces but you did it anyway. Why ?

 

What does sex mean to you ? Is it at it's root transactional in nature ? Where you rewarding these men for some reason with something that meant little to you ?

 

What does your husband get out of this marriage ? How does it nurses' his soul. For you ?

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him. You say you love your husband more than anything but continued to disrespect and humiliate him in the worst possible way. What is wrong with this picture?

[Samhain]

If 7 years later he is saying he can't get over an "affair" you had that only involved kissing a guy twice, I wouldn't be too hopeful that he can get past you giving a guy oral.

 

He couldn't deal with your original betrayal, even after years of trying. And he was clearly right in not trusting in your marriage to be strong enough to move past it. He held on to resentment and personal conflict for 7 years, was finally honest with you about it, only to be told you'd gone 10 steps further with some other guy who you "don't even like". To him that's just confirmation that his "perfect marriage" is far from perfect and his wife can't be trusted, and he was right to feel the way he's felt for 7 years.

 

Why should he waste any more time dealing with both of these things when he couldn't get over the original betrayal? A sorry wife would have kept her mouth to herself instead of sitting in cars handing out oral while her husband is at home still dealing with the consequences of her first affair.

 

You need to look deeper into your marriage because something there is missing otherwise you wouldn't have strayed either time. Your husband deserves better. If he agreed to work through things and you assume he's past it all what happens in the next 7 years? Full blown intercourse? Cause I guarantee that's what he's thinking now, and he may stay a while but I'll be very surprised if he stays permanently.

[stillafool]

You are a broken person. Only a therapist can set you straight. The fact that you are a serial cheater indicates that you have some srtious issues and likely cannot fix this on your own. You need IC, immediately, not a marriage counselor. It's not your marriage that needs fixing, it's you.

 

I agree with the above. Forget marriage counseling and get independent counseling ASAP. You are the one who needs help not your marriage. I doubt your husband will stay with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since, than my life with my husband has been great. (or so what I thought) In 2013, I ended up cheating on him again with my next door neighbor. The relationship evolved from texting to me giving him oral twice in last three years. We had no intimacy or contact in 2015 or this year. Just few texts. I don't even like him. I have zero attraction towards him. I could never bring myself to have sex with any other men except my husband. Yet, I did these two horrible mistakes.

 

There has to be some missing information here, otherwise you're not really a candidate for any relationship, much less the one you're currently in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[painin]

That thought has definitely entered my mind too. I am putting my shoes in his shoes and have thought about this. I don't blame him for thinking that, but the truth is I did not feel any remorse, pain, fear, regret, guilt with my first affair. Somehow, I got attracted to another man, went out and kissed twice. This definitely killed him to core but he forgave me. The second time around ( he knows all this too as I do tell him all the truth)when I acted, I knew what I was doing. I knew what I was doing is wrong but still did it twice. I am not in fear as previous posters have mentioned it, I am in pain. I am in same pain as him. I tend to believe we all err. After all we all are humans. I will do anything to bring his happiness back. I will try my best today, tomorrow and for next twenty years. And, seven, ten , or twenty years from now if he decides to walk out he can. In the end, I tried my best. BTW, in the past I never had promised him about staying truthful or honest. But, this time I did. I will remain faithful to him. This is my promise. It's also his choice now to take it or leave it!

[painin]

No missing information. My husband never cheated on me. My only fault might me that I did put him on this high pedestal. Maybe, he didn't deserve that. Maybe he did. I don't know!

[painin]

Obviously, I have huge self-esteem and self -worth issues. And, I am trying to work on that.

[painin]

I still believe in love. True love can overcome anything.

[painin]

Thank you. Will do.

[Bryanp]

Wait a second. This is what you wrote:

 

"in the past I never had promised him about staying truthful or honest".

 

What about your wedding vows of forsaking all others?

[TX-SC]

Wedding vows are a promise to be faithful. So, yeah, you did make a promise.

 

As for the part where maybe you put him on a pedestal and maybe he didn't deserve it... What the heck is that about? You cheated on HIM, he didn't cheat on YOU.

[irishguy]

The thing is your husband gave you a second chance after your first time cheating,then you go and cheat again,so why will he take another chance on you .At this time your word will mean nothing to him .

[Mrs. John Adams]

You have no idea what kind of pain your husband is in and he would be insulted to hear you say you are in the same kind of pain he is in.

 

Your promises mean nothing... Your word is nothing at this point.

 

You cannot give him his happiness back.

 

Happiness comes from within... And right now he is consumed with pain... From what you have done.

[painin]

Wedding vows obviously didn't mean anything to me. I don't believe in them. One can have perfect marriage, relationship without any vows or promises. If that was the truth why would any true christian or god fearing people cheat? But, some of them do. Right? I actually know few of them. So, in the end do wedding vows really hold that much truth and honesty?

[painin]

@Mrs John Adams actually he does understand what pain I am going through. I myself haven't eaten, slept or done anything since last five days. He KNOWS that and understands that. He knows and feels my suffering too. I am not in fear. The second time around whatever I did, I was aware of what I was doing. I knew how much this would hurt my husband. Yet, I continued not once but twice. As, one of the other poster had mentioned the issue is not my marriage. The issue is me. And, until I fix me this marriage or any other relationship I would have after my divorce won't work. I realize that. My husband realizes that. And, knows me like an open book. I have never not told him the truth. My entire life is open book to him. He is the only person who knows me inside and out. My good, my bad, my best and my worst. I have never ever hidden anything from him. For me the true question than arises is : Can he keep to his promises of forever loving me? Can he keep to his vows of until death do us apart? Is his love unconditional towards me? ( he has always said that he loves me more than our two teenage kids) . As much as my love is put to test so is his!

[Bryanp]

You are dodging the question. Whether you believe in wedding vows is not the question.

A wedding vow is a promise plain and simple so your comment that you never made a promise to your husband not to cheat and not to be faithful is clearly not true. At your wedding they ask you do you PROMISE to be faithful and you replied I Do.