Can we attract what we want or do we get stuck attracting what we're used to.

[scooby-philly]

So,

 

I'm an Introverted male - 34, good career, big city. I've had two long term relationships not work out because I ended up with women who were more interested in having fun, seeking attention, and cared more about appearances than substance and cared more for looking good or other people's opinions than actually being in a relationship and building a life with someone. One was definitely an extrovert, one was probably a good mix (as most people are). I enjoy being an introvert - I spend my money wisely, I'm family oriented, I take care of the things I have and don't jump into fads. I enjoy having fewer, but deeper friendships. None of those, save the last, is really a hallmark of introversion, but I wanted to make it clear I have no hang ups about my personality, what I bring to a relationship, and I know what things I need to work on. I also can be extroverted and friendly at times too - so it's not that I don't "get out there" so to speak.

 

When I put effort into meeting people and using dating sites I do okay - but I seem to also attract women who care more for appearances or want to be in a relationship so they look normal rather than women with actual substance who want to build a life/partnership. How do I go from attracting those types of women to what I actually want? (I will also say that I need to get better at being more discerning early on - and not end up wasting my time because I was fearful of hurting other people's feelings or admitting that I wasn't compatible with someone)

 

Thanks!

[Ami1uwant]

You have to think of open ended questions yo ask yo draw this character out in people early on.

 

8 yrs ago online dating sites generally had more seriously looking fir relationships folks. Now you get more shallow types who aren't series. You have yo weed through more.

[scooby-philly]

@Ami1uwant

 

I agree - I need to continue to get better at judging character early on - and that's a very good tool I don't use often enough - open ended questions - there's not point in sticking around as I have done twice when values/priorities/world views don't overlap enough to make it feel like we're a team headed in the right direction.

 

In terms of online dating, both of my long-term relationships were actually setup in the "real world" to to speak - so I kind of agree with your assessment. I think people think they want a relationship - but that term, when put into practice on how daily life plays out, means very different things to everyone.

[thecrucible]

You seem like a good guy. I wish I could add advice but I am 100% wanting to ask the same question as it's something I have been wondering about. Do you tend to date fellow introverts? I ask because I am an introvert and I value deep friendships above all else. Lately I've realised that I am more likely to find someone like this who matches my temperament (sorry not trying to diss extroverts here). I guess the type you are looking for is someone with her own passions and who is independent and mature (because with maturity you become less interested in others' opinions of you). Maybe that type of woman has been around you but has been under the radar. You mention meeting women who care more appearances and what people think of them and maybe those are the type of women to make themselves the centre of attention so then naturally you notice them more?

 

I'm not sure about what questions to ask to weed out the wrong people. But you could try and get a sense of whether she has interests or hobbies she's really into so you know there's more substance to her. I remember a male friend of mine complaining that he only seemed to meet girls whose sole hobby was going out at the weekend.

 

When you say "care more for appearances" do you mean in terms of how they see others or more in terms of caring about their own appearance? Can you elaborate a bit?

[WaitingForBardot]

While I wouldn't consider it stuck, I do think with the level of experience you described, you are better off with what you're used to because they represent the kind of women that would be and remain happy/satisfied with you.

 

My best and longest-lasting relationships have been with women that naturally desire me on the first encounter. Anytime I've adapted myself in an effort to win someone over, the relationships have seldom lasted more than a year. I did have one friend in a similar circumstance that got married and dragged his out for many years, but in the end she left him for someone for whom she was going to have that natural, immediate desire.

 

Filtering out the ones that don't interest you due to whatever is just part of the process.

[scooby-philly]

You seem like a good guy. I wish I could add advice but I am 100% wanting to ask the same question as it's something I have been wondering about. Do you tend to date fellow introverts? I ask because I am an introvert and I value deep friendships above all else. Lately I've realised that I am more likely to find someone like this who matches my temperament (sorry not trying to diss extroverts here). I guess the type you are looking for is someone with her own passions and who is independent and mature (because with maturity you become less interested in others' opinions of you). Maybe that type of woman has been around you but has been under the radar. You mention meeting women who care more appearances and what people think of them and maybe those are the type of women to make themselves the centre of attention so then naturally you notice them more? Actually, I've seen to find myself dating women who, while not all 100% extroverts, would lie on the extrovert side of the scale. Now I have heard plenty of stories about relationships that work when people balance themselves out as a pair - I'm not a "homebody" per se, but going out once a week and having 1-2 "busy" weekends is enough for me. To me, it's more than just the extrovert/introvert issue. I would agree with your assessment - looking for someone who's already developed their interests,is stable and mature - I don't need to be around them 24/7 - but the ability to communicate, plan, etc. My first long term ex never planned things - I mean she'd eat diner without even calling or texting me (we lived together for 2 years) whereas I would always ask her what she wanted to eat when I made dinner - and I did most of the cooking. And to a certain extant - I agree - I've run into women that want attention & affirmation more than being a point where they accept themselves and want to find someone to build a life with

 

I'm not sure about what questions to ask to weed out the wrong people. But you could try and get a sense of whether she has interests or hobbies she's really into so you know there's more substance to her. Yes, that's the one word to summarize - substanceI remember a male friend of mine complaining that he only seemed to meet girls whose sole hobby was going out at the weekend.Exactly - I automatically turn off snobby girls, stuck up ones, but the others are hard to pick up at first.

 

When you say "care more for appearances" do you mean in terms of how they see others or more in terms of caring about their own appearance? Can you elaborate a bit?

 

Sure - when I say care more for appearances - I don't mean how they look per se, but they care more about pleasing others, looking successful and "normal" to others, instead of just accepting themselves, living their own lives, and enjoying the things they enjoy.

[scooby-philly]

@waitingforbardot,

 

I understand your point of view and absolutely agree with your advice. I'm not looking to change myself. Well, lose some weight, stop smoking - but not me - funny, sarcastic, romantic, somewhat idealistic, creative, supportive, doer of good deeds. I'm in need of improvement, not transformation. So that said, to me it's more a question of am I subconsciously tuning out or not noticing women who would be better matches long term - stable, serious, mature, etc - not looking for perfect - just "normal" or within a relative range. Or am I sending out the wrong message either in person or on OLD? I know I need to get better at recognizing my gut hunches early on and then sticking to them - my latest ex - the signs that she was selfish, petty, immature, attention seeking - were all there. I just refused to move on - refused to say - I'm better than this, I deserve better, and I am better. I'm not perfect. But I'm good enough to be with someone who recognizes my goodness, does more than pay lip service to or "use" my good qualities.

[tasev1]

In order to attract what you want, you need to become what you want to attract......that being said, perhaps your filters aren't working?

 

In my case, I can't possibly meet the kind of woman I want right now - that kind of woman wouldn't even give me the time of day. I have to work very hard to make it up to that level by climbing through the **** before my kind of woman would even look at me.

 

Well...that was useless.

[Buddhist]

How do I go from attracting those types of women to what I actually want? (I will also say that I need to get better at being more discerning early on - and not end up wasting my time because I was fearful of hurting other people's feelings or admitting that I wasn't compatible with someone)

 

Thanks!

 

Perhaps wife material doesn't look the way you think it does? Not just talking about physical appearances here because I do believe you can find a committed and stable partner in a wide range of bodies and personalities. But perhaps the things you look for in a woman are more prevalent in insecure and unstable types than the commitment types you seek.

 

I was reading an article recently about when we subconsciously choose partners, if our picker's off, then the material we are actually looking for comes across as boring and lacking. And so we go and pick the basket of crazy that doesn't do it for us, because it feels familiar.

 

I have to attest to the truth of this. I developed avoidant attachment style through my childhood so I find it difficult to create intimacy with another person. Instead what I'm used to is a push/pull rollercoaster that feels emotionally intense but completely lacks real intimacy. When I first met my current partner he came across as decidedly boring and without the intensity I am used to. That's because he has a secure attachment style and doesn't jerk people around emotionally, instead he is simply open to emotional expression and expects reciprocity, not pulling away. The lack of familiarity with this caused me to momentarily wonder where my attraction to him went. Everything was very intense from a distance, but up close (or rather once I got to know him) the landscape changed considerably. Didn't mean were wasn't attraction but it felt different to anything I've known and confused me.

[WaitingForBardot]

@waitingforbardot,

 

I understand your point of view and absolutely agree with your advice. I'm not looking to change myself. Well, lose some weight, stop smoking - but not me - funny, sarcastic, romantic, somewhat idealistic, creative, supportive, doer of good deeds. I'm in need of improvement, not transformation. So that said, to me it's more a question of am I subconsciously tuning out or not noticing women who would be better matches long term - stable, serious, mature, etc - not looking for perfect - just "normal" or within a relative range. Or am I sending out the wrong message either in person or on OLD? I know I need to get better at recognizing my gut hunches early on and then sticking to them - my latest ex - the signs that she was selfish, petty, immature, attention seeking - were all there. I just refused to move on - refused to say - I'm better than this, I deserve better, and I am better. I'm not perfect. But I'm good enough to be with someone who recognizes my goodness, does more than pay lip service to or "use" my good qualities.

As long as your hunches are better-founded than a lot of them on LS! ..lol..

 

I am lucky because the combination of a good chooser and the belief (when I'm single) that there will always someone else has kept me from sticking around in bad relationships. It's still a crapshoot, because you still need to meet and reject/be rejected by lots of potentials in order to find one with whom you have a chance to go the distance.

[thecrucible]

I developed avoidant attachment style through my childhood so I find it difficult to create intimacy with another person. Instead what I'm used to is a push/pull rollercoaster that feels emotionally intense but completely lacks real intimacy. When I first met my current partner he came across as decidedly boring and without the intensity I am used to. That's because he has a secure attachment style and doesn't jerk people around emotionally, instead he is simply open to emotional expression and expects reciprocity, not pulling away. The lack of familiarity with this caused me to momentarily wonder where my attraction to him went. Everything was very intense from a distance, but up close (or rather once I got to know him) the landscape changed considerably. Didn't mean were wasn't attraction but it felt different to anything I've known and confused me.

 

I'm the same as you, Buddhist. I also have an avoidant attachment style but I am gradually learning and altering what's attractive to me to become something a whole let less dramatic (well being single for a long time is good for understanding oneself).

 

Also I totally agree with you that "the one" can come in a different packaging than you expect. That's why I was hinting that the OP go for women who are introverted like himself. I'm not trying to typecast introverts but a select number of extroverts are the type who always want to be the centre of attention or maybe they lack sensitivity. I've ended up with a few of those and from a distance they were attractive to me but in a relationship, there were too many misunderstandings. I'm finding myself more attracted to fellow introverts with a good social life.

 

I know the OP said he wants someone secure in themselves who isn't always trying to please others. And that type of individual could equally found in a quieter person. In fact, as I implied, some very outgoing people are actually people pleasers. Sometimes the quiet geek is the one that's comfortable in themselves and not trying to fit the mould. I think sometimes people confuse confidence with being loud. Again, I'm not trying to imply that this is what the OP meant. I am just expressing a point of view from the perspective of a sometimes misunderstood introvert.

[preraph]

So I guess you're going to try to tell me her appearance had no influence on how you picked her to go out with to begin with? If she wasn't an extrovert, do you think you'd ever have ended up talking to her, being an introvert? A certain amount of things happen for a reason. You can change them by making different choices, but you can't make what you want just materialize if the mix doesn't make sense because she is a free agent making her own choices. You have to agree on each other. Good luck.

[scooby-philly]

@thecrucible,

 

Well - I am the OP....funny saying that....anyway

 

You are right to a certain extant. I'm not typecasting people either and I'm sure the "one" for me will be different than what I'm expecting to a certain degree. I've never shut down women based on any single characteristic - I've dated White, Asian, Middle Eastern, Black. I've dated above me "career/socio-economic" and I've date on par and below. It just seems I end up settling instead of listening to my gut early on and just passing things up instead I end deeper in because I don't want to rock the boat or cause issue. In reality, the issue is really more about sticking with the "game" so to speak and being okay with potentially juggling a few balls until the right one comes along. I don't mean that in the same sense a "player" would - but I've never even tried talking to more than one woman at a time online - and that's the issue writ large - instead of seeing myself as someone worth dating, I've always gone with women who will date me - which of course, leads to both incompatibility issues in the long run and also finding a few nuts along the way.

 

And it's not just dating - I still have lingering fears/self-judgment for leading the life I want to live because I was force to take care of my parents emotionally as a child and play multiple roles... So I'm sure if I can just focus on myself for a while, pursue my dreams, my interests, etc I will find the "one".

[scooby-philly]

So I guess you're going to try to tell me her appearance had no influence on how you picked her to go out with to begin with? If she wasn't an extrovert, do you think you'd ever have ended up talking to her, being an introvert? A certain amount of things happen for a reason. You can change them by making different choices, but you can't make what you want just materialize if the mix doesn't make sense because she is a free agent making her own choices. You have to agree on each other. Good luck.

 

So if you didn't mean that in a sarcastic, unhelpful way - it came off that way. And yes, I do talk to women of all stripes. And which girl are you referring to? I mentioned a few. I had hit 3+ months with a highly educated, introverted woman - she just wasn't ready to share or commit - and I just walked away from a 4-5 month FWB situation with a quiet, introverted, hot young woman. I just replied to the previous comment before yours while you must have been typing. Please see that one for more information.

 

If you were being sarcastic and unhelpful - the world has plenty of mean, shallow, conceited pricks and princesses - please don't contribute more to the pool through procreation, adoption, or just generally being around anyone who is under 30 and not a miserable **** like you.

 

Smile

[thecrucible]

The main thing is meeting someone who shares the same values - from what you are saying, someone with a mature outlook who's also family-oriented like you. I always feel some kind of attraction towards men who embody qualities I value even if they are not the best looking men I have ever seen. I don't know, but maybe you feel the same? You asked about how to attract the women you want who have those values. It's partly the kind of questions you ask to figure that out but you can also work it out from little details in their life or their interests that say something about their character.

 

I don't think we can do much to affect who is attracted to us apart from being as authentic as possible. We are always going to attract people who are incompatible. It's just about filtering properly and maybe thinking what the person we want would be like, where would they go?; what hobbies would they have? and then at least you have a better chance of finding that person.

 

So sorry for long winded writing But I guess it's a two way process - partly us evaluating people who make themselves known to us; and partly us reaching out and finding opportunities to meet people we may be very compatible with.

[notoriginal]

Interesting topic. I have the same problem. I attract men I'm never attracted to even when I'm trying and there is nothing wrong with them, I think it's because I am friendly to everyone, consider everyone. Maybe thats the problem with you as well. I don't like being a bitch early on, because who knows if I still develop feelings. You might be afraid of rejecting women too early as well?

Edited January 22, 2016 by notoriginal

[scooby-philly]

Interesting topic. I have the same problem. I attract men I'm never attracted to even when I'm trying and there is nothing wrong with them, I think it's because I am friendly to everyone, consider everyone. Maybe thats the problem with you as well. I don't like being a bitch early on, because who knows if I still develop feelings. You might be afraid of rejecting women too early as well?

 

Yes - that's definitely part of the issue. I'm not being a woman hater. But I've had the unfortunate experience to end up picking selfish, self-centered women. And when we get into the day in & day out it becomes very clear - but it should have been early on if I was listening to my gut and taking real note of every time I cringe from their behavior.

 

To some of the previous posters - yes it's partly a function of my upbrining, and partly a lack of self-respect. And it's partly a function of me not realizing that I can leave the life I want and I will find people along the way - and I can't force things - did that with friends through my life up until my engagement ended 2 1/2 years ago. So now, it's time to focus on me (not in an unhealthy/selfish way).