Can This Be Salvaged?

[pookiejones]

this is my first time posting.

my boyfriend and i of 2 years broke up almost a month ago. we had a kind of weird relationship for a few months before that, with me really clinging on (i was going through some troubles in my life) and him becoming more independent. we are each others best friend.

however, he broke up with me and then left for a month and a half on a tour of south america. he is coming back at the end of june. we have kept in contact throughout, and maintain that we miss each other and love each other. however, he keeps saying that he has let go and that we had an unhealthy relationship and that he doesn't want us to have expectations of each other.

i am pushing for a reconciliation, but he says that right now he is not going to give me that. he says that when he comes back we will need to remain friends and if it happens naturally, then it will be great.

what is the best way to get him back? i don't want to be clingy anymore, so i will not contact him. but when he returns, what is the best method in showing him that we should be together?

he says he is feeling a little smothered right now, so could me backing off really make him miss me? is it a good idea to be friends with him when he returns, because i know the attraction is still there and i believe the love is too, but he seems confused? so if we are friends, and i act nonchalant, could that bring him back?

[lindya]

so if we are friends, and i act nonchalant, could that bring him back?

 

I don't know. The thing is that you would be acting, which raises two problems.

 

1) how long could you keep that act up for

2) is it fair to try to entice a person back into a relationship they ended by putting on an act?

 

You might need to put on a bit of a detached act if you bump into him - purely for the sake of your self respect rather than in any effort to win him back.

 

I think it's natural for people to become a bit more clingy when they're going through difficulties. I suppose you now need to think about whether this was just a temporary phase you went through or whether you do need to learn to be a bit more independent. I'd be worried that if things have been difficult for you lately, they'll only become more so if you keep trying to reconcile with your ex and having those efforts rejected.

[Okey Dokey]

I think your (ex) boyfriend is giving you all the clues you need to proceed, plus you're supplying many yourself. By this I mean, 1.) He has described your relationship as "unhealthy." If you could get him to tell you why he says that, you can then do something from your side to amend this. 2.) You describe yourself as clingy while he is becoming more independent. 3.) You say you have been going through rough times. 4.) You're looking for some angle to get him back. 5.) Your boyfriend has left the door open to the possibility of reconciling, but under some conditions it seems.

 

My sense is you need to take time to deal with whatever is going on in your life that is causing you trouble. Do this. Then take a breather to concentrate on yourself, and get loose and juicy again (read: more centered, confident). No one can do this for you, and I suspect your boyfriend is feeling pressured that he is responsible for creating all this in you, which he is not. Do you understand this? Get a hobby, read some books, go for walks, do some self-talk, be with friends, exercise and get those endorphins going, get centered around the wonderful person that you are, read some relationship books pertaining to the subject of boundaries and self-esteem. If you do this, you become a whole person who is worthy of respect and love, and you won't need an "angle" or an "act" to get him back, you'll have YOU. I believe your boyfriend wants you to do all of this so that he can have a whole person to love and cherish, and you will be a whole person who can fully reciprocate his love.

 

As a guy, I can tell you we don't like breakups any more than you do; but we know when a relationship is getting "unhealthy," too. Talk to him, and listen. Good luck!

[Okey Dokey]

I think your (ex) boyfriend is giving you all the clues you need to proceed, plus you're supplying many yourself. By this I mean, 1.) He has described your relationship as "unhealthy." If you could get him to tell you why he says that, you can then do something from your side to amend this. 2.) You describe yourself as clingy while he is becoming more independent. 3.) You say you have been going through rough times. 4.) You're looking for some angle to get him back. 5.) Your boyfriend has left the door open to the possibility of reconciling, but under some conditions it seems.

 

My sense is you need to take time to deal with whatever is going on in your life that is causing you trouble. Do this. Then take a breather to concentrate on yourself, and get loose and juicy again (read: more centered, confident). No one can do this for you, and I suspect your boyfriend is feeling pressured that he is responsible for creating all this in you, which he is not. Do you understand this? Get a hobby, read some books, go for walks, do some self-talk, be with friends, exercise and get those endorphins going, get centered around the wonderful person that you are, read some relationship books pertaining to the subject of boundaries and self-esteem. If you do this, you become a whole person who is worthy of respect and love, and you won't need an "angle" or an "act" to get him back, you'll have YOU. I believe your boyfriend wants you to do all of this so that he can have a whole person to love and cherish, and you will be a whole person who can fully reciprocate his love.

 

As a guy, I can tell you we don't like breakups any more than you do; but we know when a relationship is getting "unhealthy," too. Talk to him, and listen. Good luck!

[Naive]

Are you sure you are meant to be together? Maybe HE does not see it that way. Love is a learning process and you never stop learning. I am sure you have learned something from this relationship, take it with you and place it in your heart and move on. What is the point of being with someone who wants to move on?