Is it the end or a break?

[Quinones]

I have been reading LS for months now in silence. Most of your stories moved me, I really felt for you. There were some stories which could have been mine. I had the exact same feelings, and MM just acted like any of yours. It's kind of scary. In my darkest hours I just have to come and read the forum to regain some strengh. You obtain such a clear sight that I decided to share my story at last.

 

Long story short: MM and I work at the same company, but in different areas. We have known each other for 4 years, but hardly ever spoke during that period. A year and a half ago he came to our department to work for us for a few months, and things changed between us radically. It was classic. We started to talk and laugh at work, then he took me home after work if we stayed in late, we enjoyed each other's company, it was clear. And the attraction started to grow between us. After a staff party in March he took me home, I was a bit tipsy, we stayed in his car talking and laughing for hours and when we said goodbye I almost kissed him. This was a turning point for him- as he stated later. After that night we began the texting/calling thing for months, he kept saying that he liked me a lot and he was confused about the situation, but he didn't want to cheat on his family. He has one little son, and the other baby was on the way at that time. I know, it is terrible, but we kept on texting, all day everyday about work realted stuff and about the desire that we had for each other. Anyway, in the summer I decided to finish this EA, even though by that time I was in love with him. I went away for 2 weeks, and he went wild. I did not get it, he acted like never before. As if he sensed it, as if he knew that I wanted to let this go. So he kept texing and kept saying that he wants me, and wanted to make love with me. I was a fool, when I came home we did it. After that the guilt hit in. He said he would never come back to me, that we should end it, but of course he did come back. Many times. We did not make love very often during these months, but those occasions were beyond words. For him as well.

 

But the A became different quickly after we got physical. He started to ghost me, then he came back, texting, calling, then he vanished again without saying anything. After Christmas, he changed big time. He started to distance himself from me, I texted him on New Year's Eve, wishing all the best, saying that the past year was eventful both at work and in life, but I was glad to have him in it. He replied, it was enigmatic, but I got it. He said that he hoped that the forthcoming year would be less reckless, but he wanted me to be in it. I thought and still think that he meant that we should be friends and stop the A. Since the beginning of the year we went low contact, we did not really see each other at the office either. When we do, I still see and feel that we still have that something, the attraction is still there, but he stopped. I know, I should let it go and I should be greatful that we never had a Dday. But I just wonder, and asking you, is it really the end or it is just a break?

[Sassy Girl]

Why don't you decide?

 

Is this what you want to be? [An OW] to a man who has a son and a newborn baby at home. He told you he didn't want to cheat on his family....

 

You can put an end to this yourself... If you really want to. Go find your own man. One who's actually available...because this one isn't leaving for you.

Edited January 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[Poppy47]

Maybe he feels guilty.. went a bit further than he meant to. I's guess you were just a fling for a fling for a while.

 

He has probably started something he can't maintain with two young children to care for. They need to be his priority.

 

You need to make it THE END. Be professional at work and no more.

 

It's going nowhere.

 

Poppy.

[Quinones]

Thank you for your replies. I know that you are right. The hard thing is although I know that I have to walk away and live my life wihtout him, there is a part of me which misses him a lot and wants back the things "we had", which is not much, I guess. I always knew that I feel more about him. Poppy, you are right, maybe it was just a fling for him.

[privategal]

I think once the flirtation dance and fantasy began he HAD to seal the deal. Once he did he found it hard to live both lives, felt bad for putting his wife and marriage in jeopardy, realized he could never leave her and knew hurting you was inevitable.

He's trying to quietly back away and hopes you will take the hint with no drama or emotional talks.

Classic is right.

Take the exit gracefully.

You will miss him.

Then you will begin dating and move on.

[Sassy Girl]

Thank you for your replies. I know that you are right. The hard thing is although I know that I have to walk away and live my life wihtout him, there is a part of me which misses him a lot and wants back the things "we had", which is not much, I guess. I always knew that I feel more about him. Poppy, you are right, maybe it was just a fling for him.

 

Even if it was just a fling, from what you describe it sounds like he had a lot of guilt after spending time with you. Hence the push-pull. Do you really want to be in a relationship where he feels BAD every time he sees you. It's not healthy.

 

And then he had a choice between hurting you or hurting his family. You know what he chose.

 

So, have some self respect. Brush yourself off, reclaim your self worth and move on. You can do better.

[oceansaway]

Maybe you being available to him whenever he wants is just stroking his ego. My advice is to end it before he does and you get hurt further

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your replies. I know that you are right. The hard thing is although I know that I have to walk away and live my life wihtout him, there is a part of me which misses him a lot and wants back the things "we had", which is not much, I guess. I always knew that I feel more about him. Poppy, you are right, maybe it was just a fling for him.

 

Why settle for a MM who isn't leaving his wife and certainly has treated you like CRAP?! Access yourself, not the situation or him. Ask yourself why you're okay with hoping for 'something' if it's a break or the end. What exactly did you 'have' with him? Does it measure up in a true sense of a real giving and loving, respectful and honest relationship? My guess is no seeing as it was an affair and he ran hot/cold with you and also treated you poorly.

[still_an_Angel]

Take the situation as your way out. Your future does not lie with your MM. You can't rely on a person who says he loves you yet feels guilty about you. Nothing good will come out of it. Choose for both of you and walk away.

[privategal]

He could have you trapped in this cycle for years because each time the guilt gets too much he pulls back, you love and miss him so you welcome him back and the cycle happens all over again, you get close, have intimacy, he feels horrible and vanishes, the guilt subsides and he comes back, and you get trained that each break is not forever and each time he comes back instead of thinking he just needs an ego stroke or some sex, your brain thinks SEE!! Hes back because he loves me and couldn't bear to stay away.

The A will bring you lower and lower in your self esteem because the high of having him back time after time will start to lose its luster and be replaced with why doesn't he love me enough to stay. Also that, I love you but feel horrible because of you makes you feel SO bad too.

Who wants to be the source of someones guilt. OW think time together is so beautiful and HE is driving home with guilt so heavy it feels like he drank poison.

That's why they start out so light and fun, a breeze of flirtation, the mystery of is he/she thinking of me, the lighthearted emails that go one step, two steps, three steps further exciting right?

Then all this. Heavy. Guilt. Disappearing. He loves his wife.

[RySant]

If there is one thing that I've learned about reading stories like these is that the OW always knew that what they're doing is wrong.... but do it anyway.

 

This is not judging, but I really wanted to know: Why on earth would you do something that you plainly know that is wrong?

 

And the story is always the same. After PA of many times, the MM always drifts away, and the OW is always left in shambles emotionally craving for the MM to be back.

 

So, @Quinones, by your question, may I ask: What is you your end goal? Knowing this man has 2 very little kids, do you want it to be the end or just a break? Sassy Girl is right, you should be the one to decide which path would you choose.

 

"There will be a time when we must choose between what is right and what is easy"

[Quinones]

You are all right. That's the hard part. It's like a battle between my brain and my feelings every day. You are asking what my goal was here. I don'really know, honestly. I just fell in love with him. I never thought that he would leave his wife for me, he never future faked me. I just enjoyed the time that we spent together. A month ago we had a conversation about our A. He asked me how long I thought it would last. I said that we had 3 options, either he ends it, or I end it, or D-day comes. He just laughted at my response. When I asked the same question, he said that he didn't know. That is why I am confused now, because he never really said directly that we were over. That is why it is hard to let this go.

[minimariah]

That is why I am confused now, because he never really said directly that we were over. That is why it is hard to let this go.

 

he never really will -- you can't be friends with this man either.

 

you're too focused on the A; you don't think about the possible future and the point of that affair -- if the affair doesn't have any point... why continuing it? if it doesn't have any point BEYOND the affair itself - why does it matter what the MM wants or says? do you want to stay in a pointless affair (by pointless i mean not leading to anything other than the affair).

 

did you ever talk about his marriage and did he ever elaborate on why he's cheating? did you ever tell him that you want more from that affair?

 

i personally think he'll be coming back - then he'll ghost you again. Christmas time was probably "sobering" from him -- i assume he spent it wih his young family & decided to take a step back. will that last? probably not.

 

other than all that -- why didn't you put an end to the flirting while you still could? why didn't you put up strong boundaries when in company with a man who had a pregnant wife at home? if you recognized the attraction - why didn't you move away BEFORE the "going home" & "laughing" phase? is this your first affair/experience with a MM?

 

& how old are both of you? (above or under 30)?

Edited January 19, 2016 by minimariah

[Quinones]

did you ever talk about his marriage and did he ever elaborate on why he's cheating? did you ever tell him that you want more from that affair?

 

He once said that he was in the A for the thrill of it. Because it made him feel alive. He is 38, I'm 35. I was recovering from a 4yr relationship when I noticed him at work, I was in a vulnerable state, classic also. He's been married for 5 years , he said that he had been tempted during his marriage, but never acted upon it. I was his first OW. I never told him I wanted more, or that I was in love with him. I didn't see the point. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

Minimariah, I cannot really answer to your question about why we started at first place, or why I did not stop this at the flirtation stage, when I knew that the baby was about to born. Actually, I tried as I wrote. I came to my senses for a while. But he came after me, actually right after his son was born in the summer. He texted me even from the hospital. I think he didn't get much attention after his son was born, that's why he needed me. I don't know if Christmas made him change or he changed his mind for good.

 

@privategal, your insight is brilliant and sadly very true. Every time I thought that we had a wonderful time together, he must have felt like he drank poison.

[rainbowsandkittens]

He could have you trapped in this cycle for years because each time the guilt gets too much he pulls back, you love and miss him so you welcome him back and the cycle happens all over again, you get close, have intimacy, he feels horrible and vanishes, the guilt subsides and he comes back, and you get trained that each break is not forever and each time he comes back instead of thinking he just needs an ego stroke or some sex, your brain thinks SEE!! Hes back because he loves me and couldn't bear to stay away.

The A will bring you lower and lower in your self esteem because the high of having him back time after time will start to lose its luster and be replaced with why doesn't he love me enough to stay. Also that, I love you but feel horrible because of you makes you feel SO bad too.

Who wants to be the source of someones guilt. OW think time together is so beautiful and HE is driving home with guilt so heavy it feels like he drank poison.

That's why they start out so light and fun, a breeze of flirtation, the mystery of is he/she thinking of me, the lighthearted emails that go one step, two steps, three steps further exciting right?

Then all this. Heavy. Guilt. Disappearing. He loves his wife.

 

My friends described my AP's freak outs as a natural letting out of the steam (guilt) that had been building up. It would build and build and then he would need to explode- either freak out or break up with me or something and then it would feel better so he would come back . Rinse and repeat. I think many men have this sort of thing- they hold things in until they can't any more and then snap. Was it the Men are from Mars series that talks about men being rubberbands?

[minimariah]

He's been married for 5 years , he said that he had been tempted during his marriage, but never acted upon it. I was his first OW.

 

did you ever ask him why was it YOU that he couldn't resist? & he's been married for five years - how long was he with his wife before that...? did they have a long courtship?

 

I never told him I wanted more, or that I was in love with him. I didn't see the point. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

what makes you think that? okay, obviously - he has a newborn at home. so it's not looking like he's running away from his marriage... but why do you think that wouldn't ever be an option (him divorcing and the two of you being together at SOME point)? why weren't you honest with him - were you afraid of his reaction or something like that?

 

also - did he speak on his feelings for you? did he tell you he was in love with you or anything deeper than just liking you?

 

you said you were in love with him -- what about him made you fall in love? can you point out some direct character traits you value in him?

 

Minimariah, I cannot really answer to your question...

 

no worries -- i didn't mean those questions as an attack.

 

 

it's more like this - i think it's important to know your limits, boundaries, fears and desires. so the more you question yourself - the more you learn about yourself and you grow as a person.

 

realistically - this is not a good situation. getting involved with a man who has a small child and another one on the way is NOT a wise choice. so pointing out the moment you kind of... lost yourself and got carried away by all those emotions is important. it will allow you to eventually move on and detach yourself from this man - you can only do that by knowing your weaknesses, limits and building strong boundaries from there. that's why i asked the questions.

 

you said you knew it was a bad idea and you backed off for a minute... then you got sucked in again. why? you don't have to answer, just think about it. you clearly fell for him and maybe you hoped for some kind of future with him? maybe you just wanted to have some fun thinking no one would get hurt?

 

did you think about contacting him to ask him where you stand as affair partners?

[lemondrop21]

He once said that he was in the A for the thrill of it. Because it made him feel alive. He is 38, I'm 35. I was recovering from a 4yr relationship when I noticed him at work, I was in a vulnerable state, classic also. He's been married for 5 years , he said that he had been tempted during his marriage, but never acted upon it. I was his first OW. I never told him I wanted more, or that I was in love with him. I didn't see the point. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

Minimariah, I cannot really answer to your question about why we started at first place, or why I did not stop this at the flirtation stage, when I knew that the baby was about to born. Actually, I tried as I wrote. I came to my senses for a while. But he came after me, actually right after his son was born in the summer. He texted me even from the hospital. I think he didn't get much attention after his son was born, that's why he needed me. I don't know if Christmas made him change or he changed his mind for good.

 

@privategal, your insight is brilliant and sadly very true. Every time I thought that we had a wonderful time together, he must have felt like he drank poison.

 

I believe 95% of affairs have to end badly. Unfortunately based on the "he was texting me from the hospital while the baby was being born" comment above, I don't think you're in the 5% that might end well (if you can call it that). Can you imagine him texting an OW while your own kid was being born?

 

I know there's the whole "if he'll cheat with you he'll cheat on you" mantra but I don't think that's ALWAYS the case, however there's something about a man's behavior with respect to his children that is very telling, I think. Some VERY deep issues here.

 

Best of luck and take care of yourself, and we are here for you.

[privategal]

He seriously straight up asked you how long you thought it would last?

You do realize that means he sees it ending. So its like jumping in the bathtub with the plug out of the tub. The water will run out quickly and you will be cold. He probably thinks all the time that its over when he says it is, and its back on when he says it is cause he knows your in deep and he loves that he has this spell on you to waltz in and out when his wife is too tired you can fill in.

Here this guy has only been married 5 years and seeking a thrill and all while he is probably taking the cutest pics with his newborn for facebook friends who think he is husband and father of the year.

This is a man who is very messed up and I don't know how you even get turned on by him, he is a class A @sshole!

Im SO sorry for being so harsh. I hope hearing it straight will help you come to your senses.

[Quinones]

He seriously straight up asked you how long you thought it would last?

You do realize that means he sees it ending. So its like jumping in the bathtub with the plug out of the tub. The water will run out quickly and you will be cold. He probably thinks all the time that its over when he says it is, and its back on when he says it is cause he knows your in deep and he loves that he has this spell on you to waltz in and out when his wife is too tired you can fill in.

 

Accurate remark..I didn't think that he want to end it that, when he asked. I could tell about the way he asked it was more of a concern. But anyway, now he's vanished. I know, that he has big issues, mostly with his self-esteem. He doesn't think much of himself, but he acts as if he did. As for fb pics, he has none. He never posts any, he said once he's too introverted to do that.

[privategal]

Go celebrate your freedom.

You told him, I end it or you end it or dday...he ended it. Now let it be done.

[Quinones]

I know, you are right, but at the moment I cannot really celebrate that he had gone. I am not in that stage yet, but this forum helps a lot.

[Quinones]

did you ever ask him why was it YOU that he couldn't resist? & he's been married for five years - how long was he with his wife before that...? did they have a long courtship?

 

I am not really sure about their dating timeline, he hardly ever talks/talked about his wife, but from what I learnt they did not have a long courtship. 2 years max. His wife is 9 year younger than he is.

 

He just got swept away, like me, that's what he said. He also said he liked me before we started to talk and before we became friends, but he first felt something for me, when he saw that I had something for him.

But I have to say I knew from day one, that he was not in love with me. If you love someone you do not act like this, period. Once he said that he doesn't know if he could fall for me, but he doesn't want to, because it would bring desaster. Well, I think you cannot controll your feelings, you can try to fight them, but eventually you will lose. So I guess, I never told him because the fear of rejection, and becasue I knew that it would not be mutual and my love would make him run away.

 

did you think about contacting him to ask him where you stand as affair partners?

 

Nope. His actions speak louder than his words. I know, I have to walk away, it just hurts.