Pregnant and Lost

[ShatteredLady]

For now take care of yourself & your baby. Please don't push yourself too hard. I worry that this is putting tremendous stress on you. That's the last thing you need! No-one knows how he's going to change when he becomes a father.

 

Deal with each day as it comes. Your hormones & body are changing daily. Try to find some peace & don't get anxious over things you can't control at the moment.

 

Have you tried specialist yoga & meditation? It helped tremendously with my pregnancies. There are many DVD's to choose between & some good YouTube vids too.

[anika99]

I do appreciate everything that's been said. And a lot of it hit close to home and made me cry. There are things that I realize I have to do for myself and my unborn child and that this stress is not helping either of us. My fiancee does have a house in which he does not live in but uses it for his business. It's part of his garden site. We each pay our own bills for our own businesses and live in my house where we split the bills for our living situation.

 

I did write him an email, and tried to be as unbiased as possible (man, that's a hard thing to do when you feel like having an emotional breakdown) But it was my very last effort to try to get an understanding. He also wrote an email that contains his point of view , I feel it's only fair to get both perspectives. This was written after the 3rd night of abandonment and I asked him to pack his things unless he was willing to see someone professional with me.

 

Marc's words:

 

This is what I need you to say to me to fix our situation:

1). I am pregnant, so I will need you to do certain things for me in the garden that I am unable to do such as spray for bugs. Of course I will do things to help you out in return such as prune since it is not physical and there is no excuse why I couldn't prune. It is only fair since you have always done way too much for my business as it is. And you have way too much to do at your garden as it is. Also, I asked for 100% of the profits, and it is unacceptable for me not to help you in return with easier duties. Thank you for all your help so far, and I appreciate that you do the more difficult duties and leave me with the easier duties. I know you care about me and the baby and you will do what you can to help out.

2). I know I can bicker and pester you a lot about little things. Sometimes I go overboard and should pay attention to all the good things you do instead of focusing on all your faults. I realize it upsets you when I always get on your case about little things such as a few crumbs on the counter or an unmade bed. I realize you know what I want from you and I don't need to constantly pester you. I know you try to do the little things that I ask, but we are only human and sometimes forget.

3) I need to pay more attention to the words that come out of my mouth. I often say things that are understandably upsetting to you. I really need to ask myself, "will I make him feel better or worse by what I'm about to say". If anything, I need to say positive things to make you feel better about yourself since your disorder already has you believing you are worthless and underserving of life. I apologize for ever making you feel so bad about yourself.

4). You are awesome!

 

Omg! That's what he needs you to say?! And what about what you need? Why can't he understand that pregnancy alone is exhausting? When I was pregnant for the first time I was constantly fatigued and worn out feeling. You will not be able to do everything you already do and take care of a newborn baby. It's just not possible. You will have a breakdown and where will your husband be then? Probably just standing there belittling you and putting you down for not being able to do everything yourself. Your husband is making my blood boil. He sure expects all kinds of sympathy and understanding from you while giving you none of the same.

 

You do what you want but I can only see this getting worse, especially when the baby arrives. Your husbands attitude is seriously messed up. I guess you can accept that or not. I wish you luck because if you stay with him you are going to need it.

[Lois_Griffin]

I felt bad for being so harsh when I read that you cried. I think all us want to just hug you and tell you it's going to be okay.

 

I was actually thinking of you yesterday hours after I'd replied to your post and had gone on about my day.

 

I had a job interview yesterday afternoon and it was frigid outside. The wind chill factor put the temperature at about 5 degrees because of the freezing, blustery wind. I'm over 50 years old and I'm not pregnant or in any way compromised physically. But I was just dreading going out in the sub-zero temps.

 

As I was finishing getting ready to leave for my interview, my husband was out in the driveway putting air in the tires of his SUV and putting the address of the office building I was going to into the GPS so it would be there when I got out to the car. He'd also stated the car up so it wouldn't be freezing cold when I got into it. As I said, I'm not pregnant or physically compromised in any way. This was simply something he chose to do because he cares about my welfare and he loves me.

 

After I thanked him profusely and kissed him goodbye, I started down the road and thought about you. I thought about how these very simple and loving gestures that I'm so very grateful for are completely missing in your life because of the man you're with. Not only does he do NOTHING out of love and concern for your well-being, but he actually wants you to PAY him for any physical work you need him to do due to the physical limitations of your pregnancy. He almost acts as though you need to be punished for being pregnant and he feels you should suffer for it.

 

And that is about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

 

Even sadder, his email to you is full of the same nasty nonsense you've been dealing with all along. He tried to sugar coat it a little, but it's basically a bunch of nonsense telling you how to tow the line and quit being a 'nag.' There's nothing in it that shows ANY self awareness at all at how horribly selfish and uncaring he really is. It also sounds as though he enjoys using some 'disorder' to justify his unacceptable behavior.

 

I assume you knew how he was before you got pregnant. He's the same person he was from day #1. I have the feeling you're going to accept this horribly compromised 'relationship' with him because you think it's better than nothing.

 

Sadly, one day you're going to find out that isn't true at all. This dysfunctional relationship really isn't better than no relationship at all. But I think you're just not ready to face that yet.

 

Good luck to you.

[Michart]

I felt bad for being so harsh when I read that you cried. I think all us want to just hug you and tell you it's going to be okay.

 

I was actually thinking of you yesterday hours after I'd replied to your post and had gone on about my day.

 

I had a job interview yesterday afternoon and it was frigid outside. The wind chill factor put the temperature at about 5 degrees because of the freezing, blustery wind. I'm over 50 years old and I'm not pregnant or in any way compromised physically. But I was just dreading going out in the sub-zero temps.

 

As I was finishing getting ready to leave for my interview, my husband was out in the driveway putting air in the tires of his SUV and putting the address of the office building I was going to into the GPS so it would be there when I got out to the car. He'd also stated the car up so it wouldn't be freezing cold when I got into it. As I said, I'm not pregnant or physically compromised in any way. This was simply something he chose to do because he cares about my welfare and he loves me.

 

After I thanked him profusely and kissed him goodbye, I started down the road and thought about you. I thought about how these very simple and loving gestures that I'm so very grateful for are completely missing in your life because of the man you're with. Not only does he do NOTHING out of love and concern for your well-being, but he actually wants you to PAY him for any physical work you need him to do due to the physical limitations of your pregnancy. He almost acts as though you need to be punished for being pregnant and he feels you should suffer for it.

 

And that is about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

 

Even sadder, his email to you is full of the same nasty nonsense you've been dealing with all along. He tried to sugar coat it a little, but it's basically a bunch of nonsense telling you how to tow the line and quit being a 'nag.' There's nothing in it that shows ANY self awareness at all at how horribly selfish and uncaring he really is. It also sounds as though he enjoys using some 'disorder' to justify his unacceptable behavior.

 

I assume you knew how he was before you got pregnant. He's the same person he was from day #1. I have the feeling you're going to accept this horribly compromised 'relationship' with him because you think it's better than nothing.

 

Sadly, one day you're going to find out that isn't true at all. This dysfunctional relationship really isn't better than no relationship at all. But I think you're just not ready to face that yet.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

When I read this, it reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a friend. She was mad at her husband for not waking up early enough to start her car before work when he had the day off. When she arrived home, he had dinner ready on the table and had set up a remote car starter appointment at a local mechanic. She told me she felt bad for getting so upset about something so little and shoveled the walk way for him and cleaned the house. Later they laughed about it and jokes they wouldn't know what to do without one another. This is the tug and pull of a healthy relationship...the bones that keeps a healthy relationship loving and united. There shouldn't be the "if I do this for you what will you do for me"? Healthy relationships people just do the little things because it helps the other person, and most importantly, shows you care about them.

 

I realize my relationship greatly lacks this aspect. When I'm scraping ice off of my windshield (we live in Michigan) before work, bleaching the tub with a respirator, watching him eat a personall pizza wondering if he didn't buy a larger one so he wouldn't have to spend the extra money and share or sitting on the floor scooting buckets of water across the floor because they are too heavy to carry I am always aware of what is missing. I read somewhere that if you do the little things for them first, they will be more likely to return kind gestures. So I'll make dinner for a week, clean the entire house, I once even cleared out a years worth of pile up in the basement and made him a 'man cave' it took the whole day. He came home, said thank you, and we got into an argument about the beads I hung on the wall. He said it made the new space look cluttered and I remember crying.

 

It's the times he does do something kind that keeps me around. The thrown crumb of love and warmth through a sea of ice every once in awhile that gives me hope for us, because deep down, I really do want to believe that he's not as unkind as he puts off. If you go so long with feeling unloved and then all of a sudden you get a taste of what you so desperately need, and what is missing, you just want more. You'll endure all of the bad for one more crumb. One more kind word. One more act of kindness. And just when all hope is lost, and it's so bitter cold that you can't take in another breath of it, they start you a tiny fire and you cling to it just trying to stay warm. And when the flame fizzles out, for some reason you're still standing there. Barely thawed. Shivering. Staring at the ashes in hopes they reignite. Praying for just one more crumb. I know this is all wrong, yet I stay right here where he left me the last time I was able to feel my toes. I know that eventually there will be another tiny fire, so I wait. If I complain, the warmth is kept away even longer. Punishment. This is what it feels like in my life, and I know this is wrong.

 

Your husband sounds like a great man, and you sound like you both appreciate one another very much and I'm happy for you. I hope you're job interview went well also, good luck! Hold onto this and never take it for granted. And thank you, truly, for everything everyone has said. I feel the most support from this forum than anywhere else in my life and I know some hard decisions have to be made.

Edited January 20, 2016 by Michart

[anika99]

Wow! You certainly have a lot of insight regarding this relationship and why you stay. Makes me think you will eventually leave him, when you are ready. In the meantime make your health and your baby's health your priority.

[BetheButterfly]

Michart,

 

You are breaking my heart; it hurts so bad for you. :(

 

Do you have a good friendship with your parents or siblings or cousins or a good friend or anybody that you can go live with for a time? If so, my advice to you is to put your house on the market and go live with someone who truly loves you.

 

Please don't hold out for crumbs anymore. You are worth love. You do not deserve to be treated like how he is treating you.

 

As for his disorder, my Dad has bipolar, which has taken my parents on an emotional roller coaster for a decade of their marriage. (They've been married for 40 years.) My Mom threatened to leave him if he didn't go take meds. Out of love for Mom, he went to the shrink and has been faithfully taking the pills for years. He has always done sweet things for her. I know without a doubt that my Dad truly loves my Mom because of his sacrificial love for her.

 

Personally, I believe it would be better for you and your child to not have for y'all not to live with this guy. I am sorry. I know you wish he would change and love you like a normal loving husband. However, you cannot force him and it doesn't sound like he believes he even can.

 

Please please please find a place where you can live without him. Your heart will heal if you let it, but staying with him is only going to bleed you dry. Please please please take care of yourself. Hugs

[Michart]

I just wanted to thank everyone for this forum. Our final fight was to tonight. I agreed to help him with his garden if in return he helped out with chores. Same fight as always. I helped him pack his things and gave him back the engagement ring and now I'm going to find my way down this long hard road of trying to heal my heart and have this baby alone. My mother said she would help the best she can, though she has her own medical problems any little bit of help is good. I will have to find a way to move on with my life.

 

In the meantime, I hope he does realize one day that the way he's treated me was wrong and changes. I don't have any expectations, and to be honest, I don't think he'll ever come back, and I don't think he'll be there for his daughter when she is born. But there's harder things in life, right? I still have hope there is a good life waiting for us out there and that this was just a lesson that will make me appreciate the good even more. Much love to all of you who have commented, and know that without you, I may not have had the strength to move past this. Hugs. Don't ever let yourself get stuck in the cold when there's so much warmth out there.

[anika99]

I'm sorry Michart. You will be okay though. I was a single mom and we were okay. You will probably find being a single parent easier than trying to parent with your childish ex fiancé. He sounded like he was just extra work and added stress. I wish you and your baby the best. Take care of yourself

[RySant]

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In the meantime, I hope he does realize one day that the way he's treated me was wrong and changes. I don't have any expectations, and to be honest, I don't think he'll ever come back, and I don't think he'll be there for his daughter when she is born. But there's harder things in life, right? I still have hope there is a good life waiting for us out there and that this was just a lesson that will make me appreciate the good even more. Much love to all of you who have commented, and know that without you, I may not have had the strength to move past this. Hugs. Don't ever let yourself get stuck in the cold when there's so much warmth out there.

 

I nearly cried with this post. Thank you for continuing the pregnancy and being brave for this kid. I salute all women who decided to keep their baby despite their own troubles.

 

You might not be religious, but I am and I would like to tell you that God will not abandon such a strong woman as you who decided the difficult but the right path. You'll never be alone, and continue to believe and you'll definitely get that warmth.

[afoolto no end]

This is never going to work, you will always do all the work to keep him in this relationship.

You should be supported in life with all aspects of this relationship, and you are not....having a baby in this kind of situation is responsibility for both of you, he is going to resent it ......blame you.......and every time goes wrong or isn't easy for him you are going to get you trapped me with a baby.......

Think about the baby, growing up in this kind of situation is not healthy, he/she will soon learn they are to be blamed for Daddy thinking he/she was a mistake he didn't want.......they will be hurt damaged by this kind of lifestyle.

Whether he gets it of not he is financially responsible for this child......it isn't just you.

You said you bought the house, maybe you should give him the option of finding his own for his single life.....file for child support so it's in the courts....

and tell him if he isn't all in, you have to move on with your life ........

I am sure he already resents anything he has to do for you......it will only get worse........and think about the rejection you are going to feel.......

It would be a very difficult life for you and the baby to live....

[stillafool]

OP, since your business is doing well, is it possible to hire a teenager to water your plants? You should only clean your area of the house, not his. Hopefully you are not sleeping with this guy anymore and have your own room. Also since Marc doesn't care about dinner, only cook for you. That will cut down on the number of dishes you have to wash.

 

This man does not love you and I don't know why you would want a baby with him. One thing you can be sure of is he will have to pay child support when you two break up. It definitely doesn't look like you guys have a happy life ahead of you and you should start saving your money now to be without him.

[stillafool]

I just wanted to thank everyone for this forum. Our final fight was to tonight. I agreed to help him with his garden if in return he helped out with chores. Same fight as always. I helped him pack his things and gave him back the engagement ring and now I'm going to find my way down this long hard road of trying to heal my heart and have this baby alone. My mother said she would help the best she can, though she has her own medical problems any little bit of help is good. I will have to find a way to move on with my life.

 

In the meantime, I hope he does realize one day that the way he's treated me was wrong and changes. I don't have any expectations, and to be honest, I don't think he'll ever come back, and I don't think he'll be there for his daughter when she is born. But there's harder things in life, right? I still have hope there is a good life waiting for us out there and that this was just a lesson that will make me appreciate the good even more. Much love to all of you who have commented, and know that without you, I may not have had the strength to move past this. Hugs. Don't ever let yourself get stuck in the cold when there's so much warmth out there.

 

I just read this and good for you. Sweetie there is a wonderful life awaiting you and your baby. Your ex will definitely have to pay child support. That should help alot. You are now free to meet a man who can give you the type of relationship and support you deserve.

[turnera]

Of course a lot of those things listed rang true. Anyone in a relationship after an argument can probably agree with at least a handful of those things. Although I have mentioned emotional abuse, I do believe that this is more of a emotional disconnect than intent to abuse.

No abuser INTENDS to abuse. He just does it. And justifies it by blaming you.

 

Do you not have family you can get support from?

[wmacbride]

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position.

 

Quite frankly, it doesn't sound like there is much love coming your way from him.for either you or his unborn child. If anything, someone who has gone through the heartbreak of losing a child should consider this new chance to be very precious and protect it at all costs. He isn't doing that.

 

It's easy for me to say, but if I were in your shoes, I would seek legal counsel and a separation. Make sure to get a child support order drawn up and protect yourself and your son or daughter.

 

Don't let this man abuse you any longer.

 

edit- I just read your most recent post. I know it hurts right now, but you will be far better off. If you don't mind a suggestion, I would se if there is some sort of single parents group in your area, as joining one might provide you with a whole lot of support form people who understand.

Edited January 27, 2016 by wmacbride

[turnera]

Sorry, I tried to edit my post after I finished the thread, wouldn't let me.

 

My mom moved all the way across the country when she found out she was pregnant (big scandal back in the '50s), found her own place, got a job, and went about raising my older brother. Later met and married my dad.

 

This isn't as insurmountable as you think. You'll be fine.

[MJJean]

I just wanted to thank everyone for this forum. Our final fight was to tonight. I agreed to help him with his garden if in return he helped out with chores. Same fight as always. I helped him pack his things and gave him back the engagement ring and now I'm going to find my way down this long hard road of trying to heal my heart and have this baby alone. My mother said she would help the best she can, though she has her own medical problems any little bit of help is good. I will have to find a way to move on with my life.

 

In the meantime, I hope he does realize one day that the way he's treated me was wrong and changes. I don't have any expectations, and to be honest, I don't think he'll ever come back, and I don't think he'll be there for his daughter when she is born. But there's harder things in life, right? I still have hope there is a good life waiting for us out there and that this was just a lesson that will make me appreciate the good even more. Much love to all of you who have commented, and know that without you, I may not have had the strength to move past this. Hugs. Don't ever let yourself get stuck in the cold when there's so much warmth out there.

 

I hope you keep us updated. A lot of us have children and love babies. Keep posting, we're not bad for support and we have all kinds of baby having and raising wisdom!