what with hypocritical, jealous boyfriend?

[Pavla]

I had recently an argument with my boyfriend. He was very upset about the dress I want to wear to go out. It was very elegant long dress, little bit with ethnic motives and deep cleavage. I like my body, I dont wear any kind of latex or glitzy short dresses. I like combination of elegance and sexy with proper materials. Usualy all my friends even boys said that they like what I wear, that it is sexy but not cheap looking.

 

It is not the first time he did something like that. But this time I said to him that it is hypocritical. And I reminded him situations where I went with him and where he was angry and told me that I look like slut.

 

Why I said to him that it is hypocritical? Because he still watches some naked girls on the internet, frequently goes on pornographic websites. Fact that he goes on porn websites even affects our sexual live because he cant sleep with me the day or even after day he does it. He is aware of this problém and admit it but he does nothing about it. So in general we have sex 1 or 2 times a week and we have been just over year together. He even downloads naked and xxx stuff of girl he actualy knows in person and maybe even had something with. I checked once his history browser after he forbid me to go on holiday with friends to Greece of jellousy. But I had to accept him leaving in winter with bunch of strangers to skiing while he didnt take me with him.

 

After I said to him the reasons why I think he is hypocritical, his reaction was. „What I do is different, because I look at strangers but you are my girlfriend and you will not go half naked out“

 

So I said to him that year ago I have checked his browser and I know about xxx stuff from girls he knows in person. And together with the fact how much time he spents and pornography and erotic content it is hypocritical telling me not to go out in dress I like or not to go on holiday, not to mention fact that you didnt even take me on holiday with you when I wanted.

 

So what do you think? Any advice how to solve this? How to communicate with him. How to explain him that I can respect him with clothes but he should also respect me? At the moment he just doesnt take it.

 

Pavla

Edited January 18, 2016 by Pavla

[Wewon]

Sounds like when you want to prove a point or win an argument he better jump for cover because you are definitely a street fighter.

 

Yes, he does have a problem with porn, but I'm not sure that using a "is that dress showing too much cleavage?" the most appropriate vehicle to bring it up. I would even say that they are two different topics.

 

He may be cautious in bringing up things that bother him, he won't know what connections you're going to make to bring up 3 or 4 things that bother you.

 

You...win?

[Pavla]

Porn bothers me because it effects our sexual relationship.

And when he comes up with offending me that I look cheap in my dress and he doesnt want me to wear it I just felt it his hypocratic and I said it.

Anyway what would be your advice to deal with it?

[neowulf]

So what do you think? Any advice how to solve this? How to communicate with him. How to explain him that I can respect him with clothes but he should also respect me? At the moment he just doesnt take it.

 

Pavla

 

Well, I used to have issues with jealously.

 

I got over it pretty damn quickly when my girlfriend at the time said "Well, this is who I am. Either deal with it, or we're done.".

 

His insecurity about how you dress is his problem, not yours. Unless you fancy letting him dictate to you how you dress, I'd draw a line in the sand and make it very clear you won't put up with his behaviour.

 

It really is that simple. Either you give ground and change the way you dress, or he mans up and gets over his insecurity about dating a sexually confident woman.

 

It comes down to what kind of behaviour you're willing to tolerate from him.

[Redhead14]

I had recently an argument with my boyfriend. He was very upset about the dress I want to wear to go out. It was very elegant long dress, little bit with ethnic motives and deep cleavage. I like my body, I dont wear any kind of latex or glitzy short dresses. I like combination of elegance and sexy with proper materials. Usualy all my friends even boys said that they like what I wear, that it is sexy but not cheap looking.

 

It is not the first time he did something like that. But this time I said to him that it is hypocritical. And I reminded him situations where I went with him and where he was angry and told me that I look like slut.

 

Why I said to him that it is hypocritical? Because he still watches some naked girls on the internet, frequently goes on pornographic websites. Fact that he goes on porn websites even affects our sexual live because he cant sleep with me the day or even after day he does it. He is aware of this problém and admit it but he does nothing about it. So in general we have sex 1 or 2 times a week and we have been just over year together. He even downloads naked and xxx stuff of girl he actualy knows in person and maybe even had something with. I checked once his history browser after he forbid me to go on holiday with friends to Greece of jellousy. But I had to accept him leaving in winter with bunch of strangers to skiing while he didnt take me with him.

 

After I said to him the reasons why I think he is hypocritical, his reaction was. „What I do is different, because I look at strangers but you are my girlfriend and you will not go half naked out“

 

So I said to him that year ago I have checked his browser and I know about xxx stuff from girls he knows in person. And together with the fact how much time he spents and pornography and erotic content it is hypocritical telling me not to go out in dress I like or not to go on holiday, not to mention fact that you didnt even take me on holiday with you when I wanted.

 

So what do you think? Any advice how to solve this? How to communicate with him. How to explain him that I can respect him with clothes but he should also respect me? At the moment he just doesnt take it.

 

Pavla

 

Fact that he goes on porn websites even affects our sexual live because he cant sleep with me the day or even after day he does it. He is aware of this problém and admit it but he does nothing about it. So in general we have sex 1 or 2 times a week and we have been just over year together. He even downloads naked and xxx stuff of girl he actualy knows in person and maybe even had something with. I checked once his history browser after he forbid me to go on holiday with friends to Greece of jellousy. But I had to accept him leaving in winter with bunch of strangers to skiing while he didnt take me with him.

 

And, this thread is about your dress?????? C'mon, the guy is a hot mess of a boyfriend. Tell him you've enjoyed the time you two have had together but you're moving on.

 

He even downloads naked and xxx stuff of girl he actualy knows in person and maybe even had something with

„What I do is different, because I look at strangers

 

He's full of **** . . .

[preraph]

Keep the different problems separate. First it is in your best interests to be sure you do not, indeed, look inappropriate. To do this, you don't listen to him, though. You go to your mother and your sister and your circle of female friends and you show them the outfit and see about that outfit as well as ask if they feel you in general dress inappropriate. If the answer is no, he's a jealous and verbally abusive control freak who needs to be dumped.

[Pavla]

Hi, thank you. I have spoken to my colleagues at work and some friends in general. Not my sister and parents but maybe it would be good to try.

 

Anyway he are my recent two dresses I bought Glamorous Petite | Glamorous Petite Paisley Print Plunge Front Tea Dress at ASOS and ASOS Petite | ASOS PETITE Exclusive Midi Dress in Texture with Plunge Neck at ASOS. Both he totaly hated

[Pavla]

Sounds like when you want to prove a point or win an argument he better jump for cover because you are definitely a street fighter.

 

Yes, he does have a problem with porn, but I'm not sure that using a "is that dress showing too much cleavage?" the most appropriate vehicle to bring it up. I would even say that they are two different topics.

 

He may be cautious in bringing up things that bother him, he won't know what connections you're going to make to bring up 3 or 4 things that bother you.

 

You...win?

 

 

Porn bothers me because it effects our sexual relationship.

And when he comes up with offending me that I look cheap in my dress and he doesnt want me to wear it I just felt it his hypocratic and I said it.

Anyway what would be your advice to deal with it?

[Pavla]

Keep the different problems separate. First it is in your best interests to be sure you do not, indeed, look inappropriate. To do this, you don't listen to him, though. You go to your mother and your sister and your circle of female friends and you show them the outfit and see about that outfit as well as ask if they feel you in general dress inappropriate. If the answer is no, he's a jealous and verbally abusive control freak who needs to be dumped.

 

Hi, thank you. I have spoken to my colleagues at work and some friends in general. Not my sister and parents but maybe it would be good to try.

 

Anyway he are my recent two dresses I bought Glamorous Petite | Glamorous Petite Paisley Print Plunge Front Tea Dress at ASOS and ASOS Petite | ASOS PETITE Exclusive Midi Dress in Texture with Plunge Neck at ASOS. Both he totaly hated

[preraph]

I would say that as long as your boobs aren't too big for the dress, they're both appropriate for clubbing or nighttime dinner, but it does show a lot of boob! Be sure you use tape to keep from popping out. Your mother would probably think that's too lowcut. Most men would be thrilled if you showed up for a date in that but NOT if you went out with your girlfriends without him. Good luck sorting it out.

[Redhead14]

Porn bothers me because it effects our sexual relationship.

And when he comes up with offending me that I look cheap in my dress and he doesnt want me to wear it I just felt it his hypocratic and I said it.

Anyway what would be your advice to deal with it?

 

Well, it appears to be a little tit for tat (NO PUN). He's mentioned that he doesn't appreciate you dressing that way and you haven't tried to accommodate his concerns (maybe get dresses that aren't so plunging), and you've mentioned to him that you don't appreciate his "interest" in porn.

 

If you want to try something before you break up with this guy, perhaps, if you choose a dress that he might like a little better next time, he will see you putting effort into addressing his concerns, he may begin to think about your side too and make an attempt to do better with his issues.

 

Otherwise, I'd end it.

[Pavla]

I would say that as long as your boobs aren't too big for the dress, they're both appropriate for clubbing or nighttime dinner, but it does show a lot of boob! Be sure you use tape to keep from popping out. Your mother would probably think that's too lowcut. Most men would be thrilled if you showed up for a date in that but NOT if you went out with your girlfriends without him. Good luck sorting it out.

 

My boobs are 75C. Nice shape. But in both dresses i had to adjust the cleavelage and make it smaller but it still wasnt enough. Anyway what about the fact that guy watches porn, and even girls he personaly knows with their xxx content on the internet but telling me that my dress is inpropriate and what he does is different? Do you think it is hypocratic?

[Pavla]

Well, it appears to be a little tit for tat (NO PUN). He's mentioned that he doesn't appreciate you dressing that way and you haven't tried to accommodate his concerns (maybe get dresses that aren't so plunging), and you've mentioned to him that you don't appreciate his "interest" in porn.

 

If you want to try something before you break up with this guy, perhaps, if you choose a dress that he might like a little better next time, he will see you putting effort into addressing his concerns, he may begin to think about your side too and make an attempt to do better with his issues.

 

Otherwise, I'd end it.

 

Good point. At least I can try

[brothers343]

It's simple. Your boyfriend is addicted to porn. Im guessing he fantasizes about other woman being and looking dirty but he has an objection when it comes to you. I would sit him down and let him know whats going on. If you like porn maybe you both can watch it together if thats something you like. And if he is looking at ex girlfriends naked then there's something more going on. Something he might not be telling you. Good luck

[thecrucible]

I think there is something clearly wrong, and perhaps hinting at abusive, about him if he is telling you look like a prostitute while others think that the way you dress is sexy but not inappropriate. It's horrible of him to put you down like that.

 

He also doesn't want you to go on holiday with a group of friends but yet goes on holiday himself with a group of his friends. He sounds quite controlling.

 

As for porn, every guy watches it, so you can't stop him altogether but I know you aren't saying that. I know you are just saying that you don't want it to affect your sex life. I dated a guy with a porn addiction so I can totally understand how it affects a relationship.

 

This is worrying because he knows this girl in person and it isn't just a porn fantasy world:

He even downloads naked and xxx stuff of girl he actualy knows in person and maybe even had something with.

 

It doesn't sound like he respects you very much.

[WaitingForBardot]

I think there is something clearly wrong, and perhaps hinting at abusive, about him if he is telling you look like a prostitute while others think that the way you dress is sexy but not inappropriate. It's horrible of him to put you down like that.

...

It's actually a pretty common problem that the very things that attract a man to a woman at first become nucleation points for his jealousy/insecurity as things progress. This is especially true of a woman's sexuality. It's never a good thing...

[VeveCakes]

He watches porn of girls he knows and possibly exs?

 

Put that dress on for a night on the town and find yourself a new man.

 

Are there any guys who aren't porn addicts anymore?? Ugh!!

[Space Ritual]

Are there any guys who aren't porn addicts anymore?? Ugh!!

 

Yes, especially when you see one of your exes in a film, which I did long after we were broken up. One of my friends found it on a site,sent me the link and asked me if it was her. It was. It saddened me more that she had become a trainwreck that had slipped into the abyss. I have not spoken to her in a few years but she would call me once in awhile all wasted and beg me to take her back and how she had screwed everything up, etc. Last I heard of her she was couch surfing somewhere in St. Louis and dancing at some dive Biker Strip Joint.

 

Seeing someone you once loved being treated like a farm animal on the internet has the knack to cure one of any Porn viewing.

 

 

OP,

 

I found nothing wrong with the dresses you posted pics of. Frankly they were pretty conservative by comparison with many I have seen in recent months.

 

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I am afraid that this will probably not get any better. I have brought this up before about men's egos being more fragile than most of us will admit to. I doubt very highly that even if you sit him down and lay it out that you won't tolerate the behavior, chances are he may act ok for a couple of weeks, but he will probably return to his possessive behaviors.

 

Many of us men do not even realize it when we are acting in a possessive manner. And even when our significant other brings the issue to the table, we tend to trivialize it.

 

Sure he may act ok for a while, but unless he has a firm understanding that he will lose you if he continues this act, he will make that behavior change a fairly temporary one.

 

Life is too short for anyone to feel like their SO is too possessive of them. I'd give him a final warning and when he does it again, which he will, walk away from the relationship.

[Pavla]

Yes, especially when you see one of your exes in a film, which I did long after we were broken up. One of my friends found it on a site,sent me the link and asked me if it was her. It was. It saddened me more that she had become a trainwreck that had slipped into the abyss. I have not spoken to her in a few years but she would call me once in awhile all wasted and beg me to take her back and how she had screwed everything up, etc. Last I heard of her she was couch surfing somewhere in St. Louis and dancing at some dive Biker Strip Joint.

 

Seeing someone you once loved being treated like a farm animal on the internet has the knack to cure one of any Porn viewing.

 

 

OP,

 

I found nothing wrong with the dresses you posted pics of. Frankly they were pretty conservative by comparison with many I have seen in recent months.

 

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I am afraid that this will probably not get any better. I have brought this up before about men's egos being more fragile than most of us will admit to. I doubt very highly that even if you sit him down and lay it out that you won't tolerate the behavior, chances are he may act ok for a couple of weeks, but he will probably return to his possessive behaviors.

 

Many of us men do not even realize it when we are acting in a possessive manner. And even when our significant other brings the issue to the table, we tend to trivialize it.

 

Sure he may act ok for a while, but unless he has a firm understanding that he will lose you if he continues this act, he will make that behavior change a fairly temporary one.

 

Life is too short for anyone to feel like their SO is too possessive of them. I'd give him a final warning and when he does it again, which he will, walk away from the relationship.

 

Hello, thank you very much for your respond. This is actualy all very interesting what you write.

 

First thing what really made think is about your ex that you have found on the internet. Because my boyfriend behaves with no respect to me regarding pornography and it is affecting our sexual live. He just thinks it is normal and doesnt do anything about it. But I can imagine him finding me. Or it doesnt have to be even me, it can be some next girlfriend of him. That he would found her on the internet like this. He would be freaking out, talking about how porn is bad and maybe even start to hate it because it would remind him ho much it hurt him.

 

And second thing is that you are right. We had so many talks and it lead to nothing because I feel that he just doesnt deeply understand. And he still continues with this hypocritical behaviour

 

I dont even know if there is a point to continue with such a relationship

[Pavla]

It's actually a pretty common problem that the very things that attract a man to a woman at first become nucleation points for his jealousy/insecurity as things progress. This is especially true of a woman's sexuality. It's never a good thing...

 

Hello, this is really good and interesting point you have said

 

Thank you very much

[basil67]

Ok, the holiday thing is hypocritical but the porn vs dress issues are very different things and shouldn't be compared.

 

If he can go on a holiday with his friends, then you can go on a holiday with yours. Just as he does not need your permission, you do not need his.

 

Regarding your dresses - perhaps it's just because I'm old - but they are VERY low cut and not what one would describe as classy. That being said, if you like them, then wear them. It's not his place to approve of what you wear and if you don't like his thoughts, then show him the door.

 

Likewise his choice in porn. He likes it, you do not. He isn't prepared to give it up so you either accept him doing it or you leave.

 

Really the stuff you're talking about here is basic compatibility. It's the stuff which shows us how well we fit with a partner. And you and your partner are a poor fit so far.

[road]

Dump your BF. You are not the problem. His porn and the way he keeps photos of women that he knows. Him going away on trips without you yet will not let you do the same.

 

 

He is not your dad, yet you let him try to control you in inappropriate ways.

 

 

If I had a good looking GF I would not be keeping naked photos of others and all of my vacations would be taking her with me.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

If I had a good looking GF I would not be keeping naked photos of others

...

It all comes down to intent. I came of age in a period when skinny-dipping was common and society generally wasn't as uptight about nudity. As a result I have many naked photos of previous gfs and other women we knew. My wife, who is far too reserved to go naked in public, has seen them and has never really cared.

 

In fact the only person that ever cared was my best friend after his wife died of cancer at a very young age (~27). He got religion big time and told me he was no longer comfortable that I had naked pictures of his wife, even ones he was in, and asked me to get rid of them. I complied out of respect for his friendship and loss.

[sandylee1]

I'll be honest here..The dresses DO show a bit more than cleavage....but that's not the only problem in your relationship. Your BF is letting porn affect your love life.

 

He controls you going on holiday... I wouldn't let my husband dictate to me....much less a BF. Find a less controlling BF... who accepts you for who you are. I just don't see a bright future with this guy.

 

You can do better.