I'm so frustrated, how can I stop wanting a boyfriend

[VintageWine]

I'm beyond frustrated, lately I've been wanting a boyfriend like crazy. People tell me to work on myself, focus on myself, do me. I've been doing that since I started college and since I got out of relationship months ago. I've been working on growing confidence in myself, putting myself out there more and no not just for romantic relationships, but for also new friendships. Tried working on myself in the areas I needed working on, such as being secure with myself, I wasn't as secure with myself as I am now. Trust issues, confidence and just my overall self. I even started becoming a gym rat for Christ's sake.

 

Another thing I'm working on is getting more involved at college. Considering that I need to start networking, learning new things, having different experiences and also just learning from other people, I decided to do that and not limit myself.

 

I even changed my major to liberal arts considering I don't know what I want to do career wise with my life, I want a job that I can make a difference in, change the world, help people, animals and the environment, also bring home an awesome paycheck.

 

Guys, I just don't know anymore, I'm frustrated with this and advice, anything are welcomed.

 

Anyone ever felt this way before?

[Redhead14]

I'm beyond frustrated, lately I've been wanting a boyfriend like crazy. People tell me to work on myself, focus on myself, do me. I've been doing that since I started college and since I got out of relationship months ago. I've been working on growing confidence in myself, putting myself out there more and no not just for romantic relationships, but for also new friendships. Tried working on myself in the areas I needed working on, such as being secure with myself, I wasn't as secure with myself as I am now. Trust issues, confidence and just my overall self. I even started becoming a gym rat for Christ's sake.

 

Another thing I'm working on is getting more involved at college. Considering that I need to start networking, learning new things, having different experiences and also just learning from other people, I decided to do that and not limit myself.

 

I even changed my major to liberal arts considering I don't know what I want to do career wise with my life, I want a job that I can make a difference in, change the world, help people, animals and the environment, also bring home an awesome paycheck.

 

Guys, I just don't know anymore, I'm frustrated with this and advice, anything are welcomed.

 

Anyone ever felt this way before?

 

I don't know what I want to do career wise with my life -- Spend more time focusing on the what the answer to this question is . . .

[neowulf]

I'm beyond frustrated, lately I've been wanting a boyfriend like crazy. People tell me to work on myself, focus on myself, do me. I've been doing that since I started college and since I got out of relationship months ago. I've been working on growing confidence in myself, putting myself out there more and no not just for romantic relationships, but for also new friendships. Tried working on myself in the areas I needed working on, such as being secure with myself, I wasn't as secure with myself as I am now. Trust issues, confidence and just my overall self. I even started becoming a gym rat for Christ's sake.

 

Another thing I'm working on is getting more involved at college. Considering that I need to start networking, learning new things, having different experiences and also just learning from other people, I decided to do that and not limit myself.

 

I even changed my major to liberal arts considering I don't know what I want to do career wise with my life, I want a job that I can make a difference in, change the world, help people, animals and the environment, also bring home an awesome paycheck.

 

Guys, I just don't know anymore, I'm frustrated with this and advice, anything are welcomed.

 

Anyone ever felt this way before?

 

A relationship isn't a magic bullet. It'll help to think about exactly what this "need" you feel is and where it's coming from.

 

Do you want company? You can join groups and make new friends.

 

Sex? A lot of guys are up for a fling if you put out the right signals.

 

As for a relationship, you don't want "A boyfriend", you want a real relationship with the *right* man. Men aren't all carbon copies of each other.

 

You'll have to meet / date a lot of them to find even one you feel that connection with.

 

Having trouble getting dates? Jump into online dating. You'll have a date within the week.

 

Don't fall into the trap of believing that a boyfriend will fill a hole in your life. They won't.

[VintageWine]

A relationship isn't a magic bullet. It'll help to think about exactly what this "need" you feel is and where it's coming from.

 

Do you want company? You can join groups and make new friends.

 

Sex? A lot of guys are up for a fling if you put out the right signals.

 

As for a relationship, you don't want "A boyfriend", you want a real relationship with the *right* man. Men aren't all carbon copies of each other.

 

You'll have to meet / date a lot of them to find even one you feel that connection with.

 

Having trouble getting dates? Jump into online dating. You'll have a date within the week.

 

Don't fall into the trap of believing that a boyfriend will fill a hole in your life. They won't.

 

You pretty much hit everything, along with others.

 

The thing is, I don't have a hole in my life. In high school I did that before getting a boyfriend to fill that void and it obviously didn't work out well. I started doing my own thing, filling up voids by doing things I like and it helped, so I don't have a hole, at least I don't think I have a hole.

 

I don't have trouble getting dates, I just personally can't call whoever guy I've been talking to my boyfriend that easily, I don't want to rush it, I may want a boyfriend, yes, however I don't want to force things nor rush them.

 

Am I making any sense? I doubt that I am.

 

For me I'm craving having someone I can share my life with, travel with, tell good news to whenever something awesome happens. I crave that doing something for someone special. Like this one time I was in target with a friend and we passed by the baking stuff, saw V-Day stuff and it got me all gushy.

 

As in my career choice, I've volunteered at a nursing home before and loved it! Thought about become a nurse, it's still up in the air. Considering that I need liberal arts anyways to get into nursing, I'm still going to think about, however still...figuring other stuff out that I'm passionate about that.

[thecrucible]

I totally know how you feel. I'm where you're at. I worked out the old relationships, did me for a while, got fit in the gym and started indulging more in my passions. I was coasting along on that for a while just having a bit of fun and doing me for a change. So I know how to be independent and not be in a relationship. But like you, it's just really hit me that I have a strong desire to be in a relationship now. I know relationships aren't a cure-all and I have my head screwed on fairly well but I don't know, it just suddenly starts feeling like there's this one thing missing in my life.

 

I think the best thing though, and what I'm trying to do, is still to make my life as positive as possible but I am also telling myself it's not a crime to want to be in relationship. This is helpful because I am being fully authentic and 'doing me' by being honest with myself that "hey a relationship would actually be quite nice".

 

Have you been meeting a lot of guys or having promising dates? If not, you're like me. I sometimes wonder if it's the lack of positive dating experiences I'm having and the difficulty in meeting the right guys that is getting to me.

[sportygirl89]

Oh yes I definitely agree. Especially I do not know where I'll be in 6 months. I'll be finished with program. I also desire a relationship. My friends always ask me why, especially ones in relationships do not get it. That drives me up the wall when the ones in relationships will tell me it will come when I least expect it. That is total BS. I have just been taking up new hobbies and such. All I want is someone I see a future with is that too much to ask?

[VintageWine]

I totally know how you feel. I'm where you're at. I worked out the old relationships, did me for a while, got fit in the gym and started indulging more in my passions. I was coasting along on that for a while just having a bit of fun and doing me for a change. So I know how to be independent and not be in a relationship. But like you, it's just really hit me that I have a strong desire to be in a relationship now. I know relationships aren't a cure-all and I have my head screwed on fairly well but I don't know, it just suddenly starts feeling like there's this one thing missing in my life.

 

I think the best thing though, and what I'm trying to do, is still to make my life as positive as possible but I am also telling myself it's not a crime to want to be in relationship. This is helpful because I am being fully authentic and 'doing me' by being honest with myself that "hey a relationship would actually be quite nice".

 

 

Have you been meeting a lot of guys or having promising dates? If not, you're like me. I sometimes wonder if it's the lack of positive dating experiences I'm having and the difficulty in meeting the right guys that is getting to me.

 

Wow. This. Someone finally gets it! OMG! I know I don't need a relationship to make me happy, I can do me and make myself happy. I can treat myself right without the need of a man. I don't need a man but I want one I just crave a relationship, I'm tired of all the ****ty relationships I've had in the past. For once I want something different when it comes to relationships. I'm not in a rush to get in one, I've been dating around and honestly it's fun, teaching me what I want and don't want. For example I went on a date with this shy guy once and dear god...never again. I can't date shy men, I just can't. Shyness to me personally, isn't cute. Dating around has been fun like I said, I'm learning about myself in the process.

[Buddhist]

Guys, I just don't know anymore, I'm frustrated with this and advice, anything are welcomed.

 

Anyone ever felt this way before?

 

I can understand why you would be frustrated, it's always frustrating to try and circumvent our own desires. You can't stop wanting a bf, so forget about doing that. What you can do though is make peace with things as they are. And making peace with things as they are isn't about distracting yourself with feverish activities.

 

Bottom line - if just hanging out and doing nothing on your own feels uncomfortable to you then that's a sign there's stuff within that you'd rather not look at and do something with. That will be the real reason for you being without a bf and at the same time desperately wanting one.

[VintageWine]

The reasons I want a relationship is because I want someone to travel with, try new things together with, learn from them, them learn from me, share my life with someone, just being in a good relationship for once in my life. Cook for person, do special things with them, show them the world and such.

 

I know I can do this with good friendships, however, let's be real. There's a huge difference in romantic relationships and friendships, not saying friendships aren't good to have they are great to have!

[HillValley]

How have you been meeting people? Online, through friends, etc?

[thecrucible]

Yes I totally know what you mean on the dating front. How do you feel about dating at the moment? I used to go on lots of random dates because "why not?" and to learn about the process but now I am more likely to be selective about it as I've gotten tired of rubbishy relationships and going nowhere situations.

[VintageWine]

How have you been meeting people? Online, through friends, etc?

 

Both. I'm down for meeting people in many ways, firm believer that you can meet your bf/gf outside of your settings. My setting being college. I did meet someone I ended up having a crush on in freshmen year of college, he asked my "friend" if I'm single, friend ended up saying I'm lesbian which I'm not. So there's that.

 

I've been putting myself out there more, even though I do online dating, it's a bit tricky for me because so far the messages I get are guys wanting sex and also my mother doesn't really believe in meeting someone online so there's that.

[kodakgirl]

I totally know how you feel. I'm where you're at. I worked out the old relationships, did me for a while, got fit in the gym and started indulging more in my passions. I was coasting along on that for a while just having a bit of fun and doing me for a change. So I know how to be independent and not be in a relationship. But like you, it's just really hit me that I have a strong desire to be in a relationship now. I know relationships aren't a cure-all and I have my head screwed on fairly well but I don't know, it just suddenly starts feeling like there's this one thing missing in my life.

 

I think the best thing though, and what I'm trying to do, is still to make my life as positive as possible but I am also telling myself it's not a crime to want to be in relationship. This is helpful because I am being fully authentic and 'doing me' by being honest with myself that "hey a relationship would actually be quite nice".

 

Have you been meeting a lot of guys or having promising dates? If not, you're like me. I sometimes wonder if it's the lack of positive dating experiences I'm having and the difficulty in meeting the right guys that is getting to me.

 

This has been exactly me for most of the past 2 years or so. I spent a lot of time working to be the person I wanted to be and have the life I wanted, and to be happy and full on my own, and did pretty great at that. But I still wanted someone-- not to "complete" me or make me happy, but because I think great romantic relationships are incomparably special, and can bring a lot of meaning even to a happy life. Love means a lot to me; not simply "being in a relationship," but truly loving someone who truly loves me in return. For 2+ years I was mostly happy on my own (including, of course, good friends), but never shook the periods of deep longing. I'd go through the same frustration you write about, OP. You get all this advice on working on yourself and making yourself happy, with the implication that once you have, then you'll find That Person. It doesn't work like that, at least not per se. That Person--or simply A Great Person--doesn't just appear because you deserve them. And, silly as it seems rationally, that fact feels frustrating and unfair. The reward for making yourself happy on your own isn't a partner; it' being happy on your own.

 

That said... you'll note, perhaps, I've written much of my experience in the past tense. That's because, after 2+ years of periodic "I want someone" and, indeed, "why can't I stop wanting someone".... I did meet someone. Someone perfect for me who thinks I'm perfect for him too. And suddenly something that was so hard for so long became just so, so easy. I know hearing those kinds of things doesn't necessarily help.... it's easy to think, well that's all very well and cute and sweet, but why won't it happen for me? At the same time, I think it is important to hear those stories when you're feeling frustrated and down. It's important to keep even just a bit of faith that it can happen and it does happen... just like that. And all that time I spent working on myself and my life? The person I've become because of that is the person he adores, and I'm happy and secure enough in my own life to let him and the relationship unfold naturally. I was single for 5 years, despite being an attractive, sweet, intelligent woman in my 20s with a commitment to self-improvement. That fact sometimes made me feel crazy and miserable in that time. Now, it seems a very, very small price to pay for what I have.

 

Just a few thoughts, and hopefully a bit of hope!

[VintageWine]

Yes I totally know what you mean on the dating front. How do you feel about dating at the moment? I used to go on lots of random dates because "why not?" and to learn about the process but now I am more likely to be selective about it as I've gotten tired of rubbishy relationships and going nowhere situations.

 

I go on dates, yes, but I don't date every guy I talk to. I've grown selective myself, after dating this one guy, I realized I have to pay extreme close attention to one's actions. His words and actions didn't go together, therefore we stopped dating.

[kodakgirl]

Yes I totally know what you mean on the dating front. How do you feel about dating at the moment? I used to go on lots of random dates because "why not?" and to learn about the process but now I am more likely to be selective about it as I've gotten tired of rubbishy relationships and going nowhere situations.

 

Both. I'm down for meeting people in many ways, firm believer that you can meet your bf/gf outside of your settings. My setting being college. I did meet someone I ended up having a crush on in freshmen year of college, he asked my "friend" if I'm single, friend ended up saying I'm lesbian which I'm not. So there's that.

 

I've been putting myself out there more, even though I do online dating, it's a bit tricky for me because so far the messages I get are guys wanting sex and also my mother doesn't really believe in meeting someone online so there's that.

 

Just to add my perspective to these, because I was slow writing my post and hadn't seen them. As I said I can relate to both of your situations, and met my current superlative bf on OKcupid, so I thought I'd add a couple more thoughts.

 

In my experience being picky ultimately works better than not. You might wait longer between dates/relationships, but they're more worthwhile in the end. I've done OLD on and off for several years and always been super picky, so met with something like 10 men total. Never a bad date, never a weird story. Always a couple hours of good conversation, even if there was ultimately no chemistry (very hard to tell from online). It's shooting yourself in the foot to be picky over trivial things, but if they don't seem your kind of person, they probably aren't, so why force it? (true, of course, for meeting in person as well!)

 

I've got to feeling soooooooooooooooooo sick of online dating sites and dislike many, many things about them in principle.... but at the same time, they're such a standard route for meeting potential dates now that it seems self-sabotaging to cut them off entirely. What I'd decided was simply to have my profile up. I'd check messages now and again, but not even search, because I'd found it only made me feel more depressed. I didn't pin any hopes to it, but I didn't close it off. And in the end, simply leaving that route open paid off. So I do recommend that, because you never know (you can always fudge the truth about where you met to your mother ).

[VintageWine]

Just to add my perspective to these, because I was slow writing my post and hadn't seen them. As I said I can relate to both of your situations, and met my current superlative bf on OKcupid, so I thought I'd add a couple more thoughts.

 

In my experience being picky ultimately works better than not. You might wait longer between dates/relationships, but they're more worthwhile in the end. I've done OLD on and off for several years and always been super picky, so met with something like 10 men total. Never a bad date, never a weird story. Always a couple hours of good conversation, even if there was ultimately no chemistry (very hard to tell from online). It's shooting yourself in the foot to be picky over trivial things, but if they don't seem your kind of person, they probably aren't, so why force it? (true, of course, for meeting in person as well!)

 

I've got to feeling soooooooooooooooooo sick of online dating sites and dislike many, many things about them in principle.... but at the same time, they're such a standard route for meeting potential dates now that it seems self-sabotaging to cut them off entirely. What I'd decided was simply to have my profile up. I'd check messages now and again, but not even search, because I'd found it only made me feel more depressed. I didn't pin any hopes to it, but I didn't close it off. And in the end, simply leaving that route open paid off. So I do recommend that, because you never know (you can always fudge the truth about where you met to your mother ).

 

I love being picky, hehe.

 

What you said makes me feel like reopening my OkCupid account. I used to be iffy about dating different men by I slowly grow open to dating other men instead of one at a time, as long as I tell the other person that "hey, yes we did go on a date but I'm also talking to others"

 

But now I feel like reopening my account now because of you. <3

[VintageWine]

This has been exactly me for most of the past 2 years or so. I spent a lot of time working to be the person I wanted to be and have the life I wanted, and to be happy and full on my own, and did pretty great at that. But I still wanted someone-- not to "complete" me or make me happy, but because I think great romantic relationships are incomparably special, and can bring a lot of meaning even to a happy life. Love means a lot to me; not simply "being in a relationship," but truly loving someone who truly loves me in return. For 2+ years I was mostly happy on my own (including, of course, good friends), but never shook the periods of deep longing. I'd go through the same frustration you write about, OP. You get all this advice on working on yourself and making yourself happy, with the implication that once you have, then you'll find That Person. It doesn't work like that, at least not per se. That Person--or simply A Great Person--doesn't just appear because you deserve them. And, silly as it seems rationally, that fact feels frustrating and unfair. The reward for making yourself happy on your own isn't a partner; it' being happy on your own.

 

That said... you'll note, perhaps, I've written much of my experience in the past tense. That's because, after 2+ years of periodic "I want someone" and, indeed, "why can't I stop wanting someone".... I did meet someone. Someone perfect for me who thinks I'm perfect for him too. And suddenly something that was so hard for so long became just so, so easy. I know hearing those kinds of things doesn't necessarily help.... it's easy to think, well that's all very well and cute and sweet, but why won't it happen for me? At the same time, I think it is important to hear those stories when you're feeling frustrated and down. It's important to keep even just a bit of faith that it can happen and it does happen... just like that. And all that time I spent working on myself and my life? The person I've become because of that is the person he adores, and I'm happy and secure enough in my own life to let him and the relationship unfold naturally. I was single for 5 years, despite being an attractive, sweet, intelligent woman in my 20s with a commitment to self-improvement. That fact sometimes made me feel crazy and miserable in that time. Now, it seems a very, very small price to pay for what I have.

 

Just a few thoughts, and hopefully a bit of hope!

 

Honestly, I feel just hurt and frustrated.

 

You also get it, you really do. This idea that once you work on yourself then that person comes into your life and you are right, someone that amazing personally I think it takes time to find that great person. Even though I think this, I'm still frustrated, frustrated because like I said in a comment, tired of crappy relationships, lol.

 

I'm already trying to make myself feel whole, complete and happy. I enjoy doing me, before I would say I'm looking for my other half, now that saying sounds so bad to me because I don't want to be incomplete to someone, I'm not saying I'm going to be this perfect barbie doll, no flaws, no bad qualities,we all have our bad qualities. I'm just still working on making myself that better person. It's a work in progress. I want to make sure that whoever I am with in the future that I am fully secure with myself, confident, not dealing with trust issues, independent and such.

 

Thanks so much for this. <3

[venusishername]

I can relate to your feeling of loneliness and wanting a relationship. It's normal to want to share those things with someone who loves and respects you, and vice versa. Especially during the holidays; that always was the hardest for me. You want a feeling of support, connection, and togetherness. There is nothing to berate yourself about. You deserve those things! We all do. Don't give up on those desires. The fact that you are introspective and appreciative of connection with others shows that you are improving yourself to be fully ABLE to be in a relationship.. and a healthy one at that.

 

I spent the past 4 years single. There were many times I felt there was something wrong with me because I couldn't get a relationship off the ground, like when I was younger.. it seemed to come much easier. I dated a lot, but nothing lasted. Most of my dates were first dates from OLD; I am against OLD personally, so I don't encourage people to do it if it's not their cup of tea. I dated a couple guys here and there that I met in person first but no more than maybe a month. And they were certainly nowhere close to what I was wanting, like you described. It was all fake and superficial, looking back.

 

I know most people might say (including me a couple months ago) that it's BS that you'll find it when you stop looking. But there's reason people say that.. people who have been through it. I can tell you for certain that it's true. Stop searching. You don't need to set up an OLD profile to find a relationship. Live your life and be YOU. Find what makes you happy and do that. You're not closing yourself off by doing that... in fact, quite the opposite. It makes you more open to something, believe it or not.

 

I got to a point maybe about 4 months ago where I actually felt like I 'gave up'. I stopped trying. I stopped looking. If I met someone, I would talk to him as though he was any other person, not a prospect. I remember thinking- 'I'm done. I'm just going to accept that I'm single and I'm just going to embrace it. All those things I want to do with a boyfriend... I'm going to do myself. Screw it.' I stopped LIMITING my efforts and my lifestyle to revolve around meeting someone. I got out of my shell. I used to care a lot about what people thought about me too. Once I realized that doesn't matter, my whole world changed!

Instead of continuing to feel sad and lonely, I decided to make the best of it. I can't tell you how many nights I went home alone on holidays, to an empty house. I've cried a lot of lonely tears. Nothing could fill that void... but me.

I joined a running group, because I love to run. I spent three days a week training for the past 4 months for my first half marathon. The motivation to run and to show up for the group training really made me feel great. I lost the 10 lbs. of depression I put on over the 6 months prior. I thought about what it was that makes me happy. The little things. I did trial passes at a couple different yoga studios and soon bought a membership. I knew that yoga would help me not only physically, but mentally too. I started planning a vacation to New Orleans with girlfriends. I know I like to watch Netflix and eat popcorn all bundled up once a week, so by gosh, I do that.

I started to really enjoy all this freedom and independence I had all along. I used to feel like a prisoner in my own loneliness and feeling like I had something to prove. Once I released those things... love found me. Actually, I had to love myself first. Another valuable cliché.

 

I bought a journal maybe about 6 months ago that had a quote that really spoke to me on the cover: "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.' I kept it in eyesight every day and it reminded me to take care of myself first.

 

I already completed my education, maybe I'll continue in the future, I already am settled into my career. Unlike you, I already got that under my belt. I didn't get here overnight. You have to put in the effort. You have to build the foundation of yourself first before sharing that with anyone else.

I mean.. you could try to fill the void, but it won't last. It won't be real.

One of my closest friends told me about a year ago when I was all anxious about dating and meeting someone, and wondering if the guy I was seeing at that time was actually interested... he said it was very clear that I wasn't ready for a real relationship if I'm so anxious and unsure of myself. He was right.

 

I went through years of growing and learning to love myself and getting settled into my identity before I got to this point. I think the turning point for me was a few months ago though when I told myself, 'screw it, I'm not going to fight this anymore. I'm tired of looking.' And what do you know... love found me. I was out on my vacation having a good time. I didn't care about meeting anyone, or impressing anyone, or grabbing the attention of a man. I just was PRESENT, enjoying the moment. My current boyfriend approached me and we started chatting. Soon I went to join my girlfriend on the dance floor, more concerned with just having fun and enjoying dancing. He found me out there and held out his hand to me to take for a dance. That was it. That's all I had to do to find what I was looking for.

He jokes about it now, that all I had to do was agree to dance with him

 

Now that I'm over three months in to my new relationship (finally, a real one!) I have never felt more secure in myself. I could not feel so secure had I not spent the lonely times learning to care for myself.

 

Never give up hope. But give up searching

Edited January 19, 2016 by venusishername

[VintageWine]

I would like to say again that I don't have a void to fill, my voids are already filled, over the past years I started doing the things I enjoy. I'm not waiting for someone special to do the things I enjoy. I want to have a story to tell the person that I'm going to be with, I want to tell them the things I accomplished, the things I've done. So, nope, there's no void. There used to be a void back in high school, but now, no more void.

 

And I'm not lonely.

[VintageWine]

At least I wouldn't say that I'm lonely, I just want a boyfriend, even though friends tell me to get one, I'm not just going to call whoever I date my boyfriend.

 

All the same time, I'm a firm believer if you want something go and get it. However, I understand.

[VintageWine]

I am now wondering this whole thing on searching vs not searching for someone. I've heard different experiences from both sides, and I'm also wondering if I am lonely and not willing to admit it.

 

I don't know, I'm just feeling too much feels tonight. I feel pathetic. I don't know.

[Mrin]

I am now wondering this whole thing on searching vs not searching for someone. I've heard different experiences from both sides, and I'm also wondering if I am lonely and not willing to admit it.

 

I don't know, I'm just feeling too much feels tonight. I feel pathetic. I don't know.

 

Disclosure: I'm a guy so take this for what it is worth

 

First off, what you're describing isn't pathetic or needy per se. You've spent time working on yourself. You like yourself. You just want someone to share yourself with. And to share them.

 

So with that being said, let me just make a slight distinction. You're not looking for a man. Or a boyfriend really. You're looking for a relationship. Relationships can be amazing especially when you're not trying to fill a void or a hole but rather see it as an icing on the cake. An extension of you, and of them.

 

But relationships - or good relationships - are one of the most elusive things out there. Hence - Loveshack and countless other forums, and books and cottage industries around finding that special one. I'm a guy who has spent 44 years on this rock. I've had good relationships and bad relationships and everything in between. Looking back on my past and current experience, when I went looking for a woman or a girlfriend, I never found her. Oh sure, I found lots of women, but I didn't find a woman with whom to build a good relationship.

 

And honestly, when I went looking for a relationship the results weren't much better! Ha.

 

Okay, so what to do? Mrin... you're not exactly helping me out here. I know, I'll stop being all cryptic. Here's when things shifted for me and it took 40+ spins around the sun to figure this out. Things shifted for me when I stopped looking for something and rather let that something come in to my life. I know, this sounds woo-woo but hear me out. Try considering doing this: Write down on a sheet of paper (yes paper) what the relationship you want to have feels like. Don't talk about stuff like how tall he is, how he smells or even anything about him. Or even anything really tangible about the relationship. Don't list the countries you want to visit or the number and genders of the kids you want to have. No "stuff".

 

Instead, talk about how he makes you feel. And how you make him feel. Does he make you laugh? Do you feel supported. What does that level of trust feel like. How do you resolve differences? Do you always see eye to eye? Put yourself into the emotional state that you desire - in this relationship with this man. It should be about a page. There are no "what's" or "when's" or anything like that. It is more a narrative of the person you will be when you are in a good relationship.

 

Do that. Read it often. And open yourself to the possibility of experiencing it. I call this emotional goal setting. And the crazy thing is, it centers you and opens you up to that which promotes this emotional goal. I've found that this is truly the best way to approach really anything in life.

 

I hope this make sense OP!

 

Good luck!

 

Mrin

[Grewd]

I'm beyond frustrated, lately I've been wanting a boyfriend like crazy. People tell me to work on myself, focus on myself, do me. I've been doing that since I started college and since I got out of relationship months ago. I've been working on growing confidence in myself, putting myself out there more and no not just for romantic relationships, but for also new friendships. Tried working on myself in the areas I needed working on, such as being secure with myself, I wasn't as secure with myself as I am now. Trust issues, confidence and just my overall self. I even started becoming a gym rat for Christ's sake.

 

Another thing I'm working on is getting more involved at college. Considering that I need to start networking, learning new things, having different experiences and also just learning from other people, I decided to do that and not limit myself.

 

I even changed my major to liberal arts considering I don't know what I want to do career wise with my life, I want a job that I can make a difference in, change the world, help people, animals and the environment, also bring home an awesome paycheck.

 

Guys, I just don't know anymore, I'm frustrated with this and advice, anything are welcomed.

 

Anyone ever felt this way before?

I can relate to the situation, although I'm a man it's the exact same situation I was in half a year ago.

 

Very frustrated at trying to find a girlfriend, but no luck. Now the question is do you want to feel good or do you want a boyfriend at any cost? Carefully consider that question, it's reflection upon that which brought me out of all that crap you're into right now. I too was seriously stressed out trying to engage in work, go to the gym and other dumb sh*t that didn't make me happy. So what if I got a girlfriend in that state, what do I say down the road? Do I go like "when I met you I was sacrificing my own happiness in a desperate attempt to deserve someone who loves me"? When I put it like that I can see how absurd what I did really was.

 

If it kills your share of fun in life then don't do it, just don't do it! If that means it frustrates and suck the joy out of you to desperately try to get a boyfriend, then don't do it. You may do it at a time you feel good about it, or like how I did after overcoming this inner demon, just having fun and stumbling across someone I really like. I went about 3 weeks after "giving up" and my mental state was rapidly improving to an all time high. Apparently it's very attractive to just be happy and it's no wonder when you see so many who aren't, so I attracted a wonderful girl and I didn't even try.

 

I was also into making a difference, changing the world, helping others and the environment. Well, let's put some careful wisdom into it. Making a difference isn't always what's for the better, some things are ruined when changed while others may be improved. Think carefully about the consequences of a change, is it really as good or bad as you think or is there more to consider? No use helping others if you can't help yourself, you're likely of more help if you're at least content and more if you're happy (it spreads you know). Yeah it's great to help the environment, we do after all live in it and if we neglect what we live in we suffer the consequences of our actions. However, we are a part of our environment and as such should also care for ourselves and sometimes we need to take from nature for our own survival, but I advise against being too greedy about it.

 

What people tell you is correct, you're tearing yourself apart trying to get a boyfriend and you'd be better off doing what makes you actually feel good. Go by your feelings and do the obvious thing, if it makes you feel good then go towards it, if it doesn't then stay away. Monitor how you feel and take appropriate action, a lot of those small changes will bring you on a path that serves you.

 

It seems you're trying to do a whole lot for others, but you aren't less important than anyone else.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Grewd

[soph-walker]

OP, I share your frustration and so do a lot of others, if reading this thread is anything to go by.

 

I'd love to meet someone I can share life with, but I think the trick is to busy yourself and focus on what you have and hopefully someone will pop up along the way.

 

Best of luck to you.

[VintageWine]

I woke up an hour and 30 minutes ago, and I read what you guys said all over again. I've gotten different replies from everyone and I'm going to take that into consideration.

 

When I woke up today, I literally had a what the f*** moment. Yes, I'm feeling down I won't lie, but when I kept seeing the whole "what makes you happy replies" I just said screw it. When I said that I want stories to tell my future boyfriend, I do. I want success stories, I want stories of how I went here, there, met this person, met that person. I want stories of how I failed at something but kept trying and going after what I wanted. I want stories of how I learnt something new from talking to X, Y, and Z. I want it all. For example, I love music and going to concerts. I've seen some of my favorite singers live and I would love to tell them about the concerts I've been to. I also enjoy traveling, I want this.

 

This may seem far fetched, but this is what I want. I realize the things I want I can do that with friends. Another reason why I'm putting myself out there in college is to make new friends, learn from them, do amazing things with, travel with and stuff. I realized that since I want to build an empire with someone I might as well start that on my own some way, some how, it's going to happen. I want these stories to share, I want to be that women in the future that's done a lot with her life, that grew, that learned, that made her fair share of mistakes and learned from them. Yes, I love to dream to big

 

It's amazing how one bad night can lead to your eyes opening up or something. You guys are probably thinking I'm crazy or something.

 

I just need to try to follow my advice and the advice you guys have given me.

 

Thanks so much to you all. <3

Edited January 19, 2016 by VintageWine