I'm lost--father having an affair--mother heartbroken turning to me

[OK_computer]

I'm 26 and my brother is 17, going off to college this year.

 

With that being said, my father is having an affair at work for god knows how long, maybe months. Mom found out this week incidentally while looking at his emails for unrelated things. She's heartbroken and devastated and is turning to me for what she should do, luckily she works and her name is co-owner of the houses they own. My advice was for her to move out (which she should have done a long time ago), to an apartment and decide her life and establishing a proper support system.

 

With that being said, he gave her herpes and hpv 5 years ago, but she continued staying with him for the sake of my brother who was in high school. Now he's going off to school, she's "free." Told her to move out ASAP. I don't know what advice to give her about divorce or things like that, I just thought she should be separated from him for now, get used to living on her own and then decide what her next move should be. She's 50, in good health.

 

 

What should I do? Being a son.

[whichwayisup]

Why she should she move out? She should kick him out!!

 

Look, it's great you're helping your mom but she really needs to also talk to her friends about this and seek counseling, to put this all on you isn't right or fair to you. Your parents marriage obviously affects you as a family member but their marriage is their business.

[RySant]

It's really funny how things that happened to me keep happening to other people. But yes, I agree with the advice above. Yes, your father is at fault. But putting this on you to take sides is truly unfair.

 

Maybe she doesn't have friends so help her in your capacity and yes, please encourage her to divorce. This isn't healthy for her.

[pondhawk]

Your mom is going to need some type of professional therapy. Betrayal is soul crushing and often leaves the betrayed in such a state of stress that it starts to take a physical toll. She may lose her appetite or gain an unhealthy appetite. She may become severely depressed, thinking it was her fault some how. But it's not. Cheaters have character faults.

 

Encourage your mom to get counseling. Also, tell her to look up Chump Lady (ChumpLady.com - Leave a cheater, gain a life) and read her posts everyday. It is a support site for people who were cheated on.

 

I second the notion that your dad is the one who needs to find a new place to live, since he's the one who broke the vows. Why should your mom be punished?

 

Give your mom extra hugs.

[goodyblue]

I don't think you should be pointing your mother in any direction at all. You are her child and should not be involved in her marriage. Let her consult friends, a therapist, a priest, even a freakin' psychic... as long as it is not you. No matter your age they have no right dragging you into this malarkey.

[burnt]

Good for your mom. Just delightfully lovely. She is doing the absolutely right thing. Now be a good child and be there for your mom and support her through her hard times.

When your mom and your dad created you, understand your sole purpose was for you to be there to dispute their private problems.

 

And of course one day when you have your own children, whenever your spouse does something awful, right away tell the kids and use them for you deal with your spouse's incompetence. It will be good for the kids to be fully informed of their parent's character flaws.

 

Although, wait, on a second thought…

 

one day your dad may find another wife for him.

one day your mom may find another husband for her.

Whereas, you won't find another Dad, will you?

NO.

 

Your father broke his vow to HIS WIFE, not to you. He is still your dad and how he cares about you and loves you still remains. Your mother, however strong her pain maybe, has NO RIGHT to drag you into a mess that involves her husband.

 

Sorry,

What your father did was wrong to his wife; but now she's making it your struggle; she's affecting your relationship with your ONLY father for the rest of your life--that's just wrong.

 

I'm sorry for the unfair position you've placed into.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good for your mom. Just delightfully lovely. She is doing the absolutely right thing. Now be a good child and be there for your mom and support her through her hard times.

When your mom and your dad created you, understand your sole purpose was for you to be there to dispute their private problems.

 

And of course one day when you have your own children, whenever your spouse does something awful, right away tell the kids and use them for you deal with your spouse's incompetence. It will be good for the kids to be fully informed of their parent's character flaws.

 

Although, wait, on a second thought…

 

one day your dad may find another wife for him.

one day your mom may find another husband for her.

Whereas, you won't find another Dad, will you?

NO.

 

Your father broke his vow to HIS WIFE, not to you. He is still your dad and how he cares about you and loves you still remains. Your mother, however strong her pain maybe, has NO RIGHT to drag you into a mess that involves her husband.

 

Sorry,

What your father did was wrong to his wife; but now she's making it your struggle; she's affecting your relationship with your ONLY father for the rest of your life--that's just wrong.

 

I'm sorry for the unfair position you've placed into.

 

As a daughter who found her father's affair, the devastation is a family thing as much as the cheater typically loves to minimize it.

 

Total BS, as if they don't know that they are betraying a FAMILY and that of course it will effect the kids, even if they are out of the house.

 

It's probably because cheaters (like my father) tend to be selfish, self-centred, crappy parents and stupid.

 

The only exceptions to this that I've seen are the ones who try the forbidden fruit, get sick, decide it isn't for them and do whatever they can to mend their families' broken heart.

 

So now that the OP is aware and can't be made un-aware, perhaps it's time for cheater to realize that secrets like his are hardly kept well. If cheater didn't want that info getting out, he should have kept his pants on.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Your father broke his vow to HIS WIFE, not to you. He is still your dad and how he cares about you and loves you still remains. Your mother, however strong her pain maybe, has NO RIGHT to drag you into a mess that involves her husband.

 

Sorry,

What your father did was wrong to his wife; but now she's making it your struggle; she's affecting your relationship with your ONLY father for the rest of your life--that's just wrong.

 

 

Honestly, if he gave two craps about the kids he wouldn't be sh*tting on their mother like this.

 

Ask me how I know. LMAO.

 

It's interesting that society places parents on a pedestal even when they clearly don't deserve it.

 

Unfortunately his mother turned to him to almost make a decision for her. My mother did the same. However, in the end she stayed with my lying, cheating, alcoholic father. Her loss. I can't "save her" but I also know why she turned to me. She gave her life to that crap head. And she didn't really have anyone else.

 

Shiity? Yes. Worse than what my father served her AND our family with? No.

 

It isn't just "what he did to his wife" ask almost ANY child of a cheater parent if it screwed with them too, whether or not the other partner mentioned it. I would say 95%+ of the time they will say yes.

 

Often we have trouble trusting in relationships or pick bottom of the barrel partners because our expectations are so low. It seems to go in a dividing line of: I will cheat because Dad/Mom cheated and that's what you do when "you're unhappy. Me me me. The whole world's about me. Don't want to be a chump like my other parent!" OR "its rarely or never about me. I am just lucky someone wants me at all."

 

Sh*tty outcome for the kids. Thanks, cheater. Thanks Precious, Precious "Dad."

 

Dads and Moms are supposed to PROTECT their families from outside influences, not bring STDs in from them. Not cheat and lie and abuse their partners.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm 26 and my brother is 17, going off to college this year.

 

With that being said, my father is having an affair at work for god knows how long, maybe months. Mom found out this week incidentally while looking at his emails for unrelated things. She's heartbroken and devastated and is turning to me for what she should do, luckily she works and her name is co-owner of the houses they own. My advice was for her to move out (which she should have done a long time ago), to an apartment and decide her life and establishing a proper support system.

 

With that being said, he gave her herpes and hpv 5 years ago, but she continued staying with him for the sake of my brother who was in high school. Now he's going off to school, she's "free." Told her to move out ASAP. I don't know what advice to give her about divorce or things like that, I just thought she should be separated from him for now, get used to living on her own and then decide what her next move should be. She's 50, in good health.

 

 

What should I do? Being a son.

 

Hi OP, I really wanted Mom.to dump Dad and move on too. He was such a sh*T to her for a really long time.

 

She stayed with him. And like your Mom, my Dad had given her an STD earlier on in the marriage. By it got rugswept. I was the same age as you when my Mom's world came crashing down. Affair with a howorker.

 

I like that you haven't bought into the whole "oh my gosh what will happen to poor Dad if you leave him" crap. You see him for what he is.

 

It doesn't mean you will turn out like him. You see his poor choices hopefully and will choose differently.

 

Your Mom sounds very weakened (probably from years of his crap treatment of her) and that tends to mean she will probably stay.

 

I've seen abused and betrayed women turn themselves into pretzels trying to please their unpleasable husbands. (Myself included) especially when they have no outside support system. It's an effect of the abuse, sadly.

 

I am so sorry that you have to watch and go through this.

 

There's no law saying you have to have some kind of relationship with your Dad (if that's even possible in your case). Clearly he isn't a trustworthy individual. I will never understand why people defend untrustworthy people because they happen to be "parents." If they can't be trusted, they can't be trusted and often show this facet in other relationships they have.

[Lois_Griffin]

Sadly, if you mother didn't have the self respect and good sense to leave this lying cheater 5 years ago when he gave her all kind of STDs, I don't know why she'd do it now. Staying for her high school son back then was just an excuse for not leaving this loser because she wanted to stay.

 

 

I don't know that there's a lot you can do. If she can't see what a dead end she's in, you're not going to convince her otherwise.

 

 

DreamingofTigers is right. A decent father wouldn't sh*t on the mother of his children and constantly risk her health with STDs just so he can get himself a piece of ass on the side. What a despicable piece of sh*t.

[goodyblue]

Hi OP, I really wanted Mom.to dump Dad and move on too. He was such a sh*T to her for a really long time.

 

She stayed with him. And like your Mom, my Dad had given her an STD earlier on in the marriage. By it got rugswept. I was the same age as you when my Mom's world came crashing down. Affair with a howorker.

 

I like that you haven't bought into the whole "oh my gosh what will happen to poor Dad if you leave him" crap. You see him for what he is.

 

It doesn't mean you will turn out like him. You see his poor choices hopefully and will choose differently.

 

Your Mom sounds very weakened (probably from years of his crap treatment of her) and that tends to mean she will probably stay.

 

I've seen abused and betrayed women turn themselves into pretzels trying to please their unpleasable husbands. (Myself included) especially when they have no outside support system. It's an effect of the abuse, sadly.

 

I am so sorry that you have to watch and go through this.

 

There's no law saying you have to have some kind of relationship with your Dad (if that's even possible in your case). Clearly he isn't a trustworthy individual. I will never understand why people defend untrustworthy people because they happen to be "parents." If they can't be trusted, they can't be trusted and often show this facet in other relationships they have.

 

I don't understand why you are advising this kid that he doesn't need a relationship with his father. Grow up.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't understand why you are advising this kid that he doesn't need a relationship with his father. Grow up.

 

What an idiotic statement. Everyone has their opinion and vantage point. Accepting that is being grown up. You should try it.

 

It's entirely up to him and its his life.

However, if he has a selfish, untrustworthy "father" who just wants to wear the mantle and betray his family, then maybe he doesn't need one.

 

In some families (I know, your MM is an "extra-special case") children are often having to do mental and emotional gymnastics to maintain any kind of healthy relationship with their narcissistic or abusive parent. Cheater parents qualify.

 

A parent that already has given his mother STDs five years ago and has now embarked on another affair, and that the son feels his mother should leave......doesn't sound like great Daddy material. At all. He sounds like he is totally self-focused, not caring about the effects on his family. Which is hardly unique.

 

If a person shows that they are untrustworthy to the one person they friggin well should be able to be trusted by, well, no one else should consider themselves immune.

 

That has been my life-experience and my opinion. As a child of an adulterer, I have a heck of a different vantage point than an OW TURNED WIFE. It's all fun and games to pretend this father hasn't taken a giant dump on his FAMILY, but that isn't realistic in the least.

 

Don't like it? Don't hit the "like" button.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP,

 

How are YOU holding up given the situation?

 

Are you feeling that you can be a support to your Mom right now?

 

Do you want to "stay out of it" as much as you can?

[Trishern]

This is what cheaters fail to see...that their actions an affect the entire family. I think it's good that you are the kind of son she can approach about this. You're a credit to her.

 

 

Your mother does need additional support though. She might want to see a family lawyer to begin with. I think it would do your father good to see how disappointed you are in him as well. if he's got some decency in him, he would be terribly ashamed of this.

 

 

When one parent cheats, they are also betraying their children, no matter what age. I think those who think otherwise are just deluding themselves. I'm post 40 and it would most definitely affect me if either of my parents did this.

 

 

Well done for being a supportive son, at least now you've seen how devastating this can be you won't be like your father in the future.

 

 

Mrs T

[TX-SC]

How do you and your brother feel about your dad after all of this?

 

As for your mom, she should kick him out of the house and get a divorce.

[goodyblue]

What an idiotic statement. Everyone has their opinion and vantage point. Accepting that is being grown up. You should try it.

 

It's entirely up to him and its his life.

However, if he has a selfish, untrustworthy "father" who just wants to wear the mantle and betray his family, then maybe he doesn't need one.

 

In some families (I know, your MM is an "extra-special case") children are often having to do mental and emotional gymnastics to maintain any kind of healthy relationship with their narcissistic or abusive parent. Cheater parents qualify.

 

A parent that already has given his mother STDs five years ago and has now embarked on another affair, and that the son feels his mother should leave......doesn't sound like great Daddy material. At all. He sounds like he is totally self-focused, not caring about the effects on his family. Which is hardly unique.

 

If a person shows that they are untrustworthy to the one person they friggin well should be able to be trusted by, well, no one else should consider themselves immune.

 

That has been my life-experience and my opinion. As a child of an adulterer, I have a heck of a different vantage point than an OW TURNED WIFE. It's all fun and games to pretend this father hasn't taken a giant dump on his FAMILY, but that isn't realistic in the least.

 

Don't like it? Don't hit the "like" button.

 

Hummm. Maybe he should dump his mother too then, considering the horrible, awful person she stayed with and kept in her son's life for an extra five years.

[TX-SC]

Sadly, if you mother didn't have the self respect and good sense to leave this lying cheater 5 years ago when he gave her all kind of STDs, I don't know why she'd do it now. Staying for her high school son back then was just an excuse for not leaving this loser because she wanted to stay.

 

 

I don't know that there's a lot you can do. If she can't see what a dead end she's in, you're not going to convince her otherwise.

 

 

DreamingofTigers is right. A decent father wouldn't sh*t on the mother of his children and constantly risk her health with STDs just so he can get himself a piece of ass on the side. What a despicable piece of sh*t.

 

The problem with this is that there is often a double standard here. We often see mothers cheat and in most instances , the response is "Well, she may be a cheating wife but that doesn't make her a bad mother."

[pteromom]

I don't understand why you are advising this kid that he doesn't need a relationship with his father. Grow up.

 

Because when a man cheats on his wife, he is cheating on his family too.

 

But it is up to him how he handles his relationship with his father.

 

OP - I would advise your mother to seek therapy and an attorney. Tell her that you aren't equipped to offer advice, but that you will offer unlimited hugs, and that any time she wants to get her mind off this and go see a movie or eat some ice cream, that you are her guy.

 

You need to cut this unhealthy dynamic of you being a sounding board for adult situations off right now. It's not good for you, and it isn't good in the long term for your mom either.

[pteromom]

The problem with this is that there is often a double standard here. We often see mothers cheat and in most instances , the response is "Well, she may be a cheating wife but that doesn't make her a bad mother."

 

Why does everything have to be a gender war around here?

 

It's possible that this guy isn't a bad father even though he cheated. And if it was his mother coming on here asking whether she should tell her son about his father's infidelity, I would likely say NO.

 

But this is the son. Different dynamic. He already knows. He feels betrayed. His feelings are valid. It's up to him what kind of relationship he has with his father going forward.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hummm. Maybe he should dump his mother too then, considering the horrible, awful person she stayed with and kept in her son's life for an extra five years.

 

Maybe he should blame the other victim. Nice try. I love the blame-the-wife logic.

 

Because we all know his mother is responsible for his father's behaviour. Just like I am responsible for my husband's behaviour. Wait. That's not how that works. That's not how any of that works.

 

Brilliant. Adults can choose to continue to live with one another. Frankly if my father wants to beat the crap out of my mother, I'll do what I can to report it etc. And give her the option to leave as much as I can. But I can't FORCE it. (He does not physically abuse my mother BTW. He saved that for us kids). Is it admirable? Is it wonderous? No. But that doesn't tell me to cut my MOTHER off. It would say that my FATHER is an abuser. And my mother would be caught in the cycle. Which, aside from the physical abuse is true. My father is an emotional, financial, verbal abuser and my mother is caught in the cycle.

 

Wives aren't responsible or accountable for the crappy choices their husbands make, omigosh. It isn't 1902 anymore!

[dreamingoftigers]

The problem with this is that there is often a double standard here. We often see mothers cheat and in most instances , the response is "Well, she may be a cheating wife but that doesn't make her a bad mother."

 

I think that's crap too.

 

I HAD a friend like that. She cheated, and frankly people said " oh she's a great mother." But the truth of the matter was that she was a total user, gone most nights and lived with me, with the kids for about four months, and she was a TERRIBLE mother.

 

Just horrid. I have never witnessed such upfront negligence coupled with freaking out at the kids. The only reason she had them was because initially she believed that she could completely ditch them with the father, claim child support AND spousal support AND keep the assets from the marriage. Turned out he filed on her for child support (rightfully so). So she asked for the kids so he could go back to work in the oilfield.

 

She was entirely concerned with hooking up with the next guy then the next. Eventually she did "settle down" with another guy who fully supported her and the kids. She would laugh behind his back. She was just so entitled I was very glad when she left my house and life. She didn't even clean up when she left my property, which I let her stay at rent-free. The place was completely disgusting. She wouldn't even clean up the dog pee off of the floor from her mutt.

[goodyblue]

Maybe he should blame the other victim. Nice try. I love the blame-the-wife logic.

 

Because we all know his mother is responsible for his father's behaviour. Just like I am responsible for my husband's behaviour. Wait. That's not how that works. That's not how any of that works.

 

Brilliant. Adults can choose to continue to live with one another. Frankly if my father wants to beat the crap out of my mother, I'll do what I can to report it etc. And give her the option to leave as much as I can. But I can't FORCE it. (He does not physically abuse my mother BTW. He saved that for us kids). Is it admirable? Is it wonderous? No. But that doesn't tell me to cut my MOTHER off. It would say that my FATHER is an abuser. And my mother would be caught in the cycle. Which, aside from the physical abuse is true. My father is an emotional, financial, verbal abuser and my mother is caught in the cycle.

 

Wives aren't responsible or accountable for the crappy choices their husbands make, omigosh. It isn't 1902 anymore!

 

His mother is responsible for staying in the relationship. If that dad cheats and the mom doesn't care, then he should focus on having a decent relationship with his parents, which was my original point that you clearly missed. His mother is no longer a victim if she chooses to allow the behavior and continues to participate in the dysfunction.

 

You should see someone about that anger. I hope

[dreamingoftigers]

His mother is responsible for staying in the relationship. If that dad cheats and the mom doesn't care, then he should focus on having a decent relationship with his parents, which was my original point that you clearly missed. His mother is no longer a victim if she chooses to allow the behavior and continues to participate in the dysfunction.

 

You should see someone about that anger. I hope

 

Your " shoulds " don't work for me and you seem to have a lot of them.

 

I never said he "shouldn't have a relationship with his father. And you are saying he " should."

 

I'm saying VERY CLEARLY FOR THE NTH TIME that he is not required to and frankly shouldn't feel guilted to about a "parent" that has thoroughly abused his other parent and betrayed his family.

 

Whether or not "she's okay" with it, its still ABUSE. It's still CHEATING.

 

Whether or not my Mom is okay with verbal, emotional, financial abuse doesn't mean she's not a victim to it. It means that regardless she's chosen to stay with my abusive, cheating father.

 

According to your logic, I "should" have a relationship with him because "he's my father."

 

But frankly, I don't. That is MORE ON HIM and his choices, and my choice to not continue a relationship with a man who so openly abuses my Mom and is ignorant to the trauma he has caused me.

 

Guess what? It's my right to choose that just like it is the OP's.

 

Parents don't get a special license to abuse. At least they "shouldn't." I think it's sick that people guilt kids into dysfunctional relationships with parents that causes them further grief and harm. It doesn't help the kids in the situation and often the kids are just sick to death of the self-absorbed parent.

 

I hope you see someone about your tendency to hurl insults, try passsive-aggressive slights, and not expect someone to explain their reasoning on a sensitive topic. Actually, forget it, I don't care if you do or not. In fact, do it all you want if it suits you. It just doesn't work.as well with me as it would some other posters.

 

You bet I am angry. Its not the anger that I have had to see anyone for because I dont have an "anger problem." I am not randomly going around, out of the blue telling people to "grow up" because they see things differently.

 

I am angry for OP being dealt a crap hand. You, no. It annoys me that you brushed past every example and disregarded my perspective completely, only to try to be rude to me. But in the end you helped me flesh out my underlying point. Another day on LS.

[burnt]

I'm saying VERY CLEARLY FOR THE NTH TIME that he is not required to and frankly shouldn't feel guilted to about a "parent" that has thoroughly abused his other parent and betrayed his family.

Abosolutely. And using that precise logic, he shouldn't be guilted to side with one parent either. He shouldn't be guilted at all. What his mother is doing is guilting him to her side, which is not healthy for the OP.

 

According to your logic, I "should" have a relationship with him because "he's my father."

But frankly, I don't. That is MORE ON HIM and his choices, and my choice to not continue a relationship with a man who so openly abuses my Mom and is ignorant to the trauma he has caused me.

Again, you're correct. It is the CHILD'S choice. And in the case of OP, the OP should make the decision about what type of a relationship he wants to have with his father without being influenced by the mother.

 

Parents don't get a special license to abuse. At least they "shouldn't." I think it's sick that people guilt kids into dysfunctional relationships with parents that causes them further grief and harm. It doesn't help the kids in the situation and often the kids are just sick to death of the self-absorbed parent.

And yet again, you are absolutely right. I too think it's sick that the mother is guilting the kid into her dysfunctional relationship with her husband.

WHAT SHE IS DOING IS NOT HELPING THE KID; it's only helping her cope.

 

I am angry for OP being dealt a crap hand. You, no. It annoys me that you brushed past every example and disregarded my perspective completely, only to try to be rude to me. But in the end you helped me flesh out my underlying point. Another day on LS.

Yes you are angry; So is Goodyblue; So is everyone else.

But Dreamingoftigers you are projecting a lot of your personal anger in this forum.

 

If I may politely ask you to REfocus on the question:

What is in the best interest of the OP (not the mother) at this point?

 

Would it HELP the OP to get further involved and informed about the father's affair? And the answer is NO.

 

What GoodyBlue (and I) are saying is that, while the father's actions are wrong,

 

it is in the best interest of the OP's emotional state and HIS relationship with his father to stay off how the mother deals with the affair. The mother shouldn't be using the kid to solve her problem.

 

 

summary:

did the father do something horrible? yes!

is the mother in pain? yes!

 

should the child be dragged in between this mess which would cause MORE pain to the child? NO.

 

LEAVE THE KID ALONE.

[goodyblue]

Your " shoulds " don't work for me and you seem to have a lot of them.

 

I never said he "shouldn't have a relationship with his father. And you are saying he " should."

 

I'm saying VERY CLEARLY FOR THE NTH TIME that he is not required to and frankly shouldn't feel guilted to about a "parent" that has thoroughly abused his other parent and betrayed his family.

 

Whether or not "she's okay" with it, its still ABUSE. It's still CHEATING.

 

Whether or not my Mom is okay with verbal, emotional, financial abuse doesn't mean she's not a victim to it. It means that regardless she's chosen to stay with my abusive, cheating father.

 

According to your logic, I "should" have a relationship with him because "he's my father."

 

But frankly, I don't. That is MORE ON HIM and his choices, and my choice to not continue a relationship with a man who so openly abuses my Mom and is ignorant to the trauma he has caused me.

 

Guess what? It's my right to choose that just like it is the OP's.

 

Parents don't get a special license to abuse. At least they "shouldn't." I think it's sick that people guilt kids into dysfunctional relationships with parents that causes them further grief and harm. It doesn't help the kids in the situation and often the kids are just sick to death of the self-absorbed parent.

 

I hope you see someone about your tendency to hurl insults, try passsive-aggressive slights, and not expect someone to explain their reasoning on a sensitive topic. Actually, forget it, I don't care if you do or not. In fact, do it all you want if it suits you. It just doesn't work.as well with me as it would some other posters.

 

You bet I am angry. Its not the anger that I have had to see anyone for because I dont have an "anger problem." I am not randomly going around, out of the blue telling people to "grow up" because they see things differently.

 

I am angry for OP being dealt a crap hand. You, no. It annoys me that you brushed past every example and disregarded my perspective completely, only to try to be rude to me. But in the end you helped me flesh out my underlying point. Another day on LS.

 

Whatever you say. My point was, and always has been, that OP should not be dragged into the parents relationship. His mother needs to find other people in which to enlist help. I think you playing the 'pick a parent' game is awful and I don't care how mad you get.

 

You may take as many digs at me as you like and I pretty much yawn because really, we know what we are getting here. Enjoy your day.