I'm lost--father having an affair--mother heartbroken turning to me

[lucy_in_disguise]

I agree that she should seek support from someone besides you. As the son you have many conflicts of interest in this situation, not to mention, you are not really qualified to give advice. She should get some counselling and see a lawyer.

 

One thing Id add is that telling her to move out may be bad advice. A court may interpret that as abandonment of the marital home and she may have trouble getting it back if it does come to divorce. If she really wants to split she should ask your dad to move out.

 

Re: whether cheating parents "deserve" their family, given how many parents cheat or do other awful things to their spouse, i think it is outrageous to suggest the kids should "break up" with them if they fail to meet their marriage obligations. Family is family even if they are not perfect and may hurt each other.

[dreamingoftigers]

Abosolutely. And using that precise logic, he shouldn't be guilted to side with one parent either. He shouldn't be guilted at all. What his mother is doing is guilting him to her side, which is not healthy for the OP.

 

Again, I was also reached out to by my mother. Was it "appropriate?" No. Not really, it sucked. However, just like OP's mother I get why she did it. She had no other supports, just like OP has stated his mother has VERY limited supports, hence he mentioned her getting a support system.

 

That's part of why I ASKED HIM where he stood with it and how he was doing. Seems like some are willing to tell him what he "should" do without caring what he might want or how he might be torn up about it.

 

Having explained it SO MANY TIMES it us getting annoying how the same thing can be stated OVER AND OVER and still fall on clearly deaf ears: adultery does affect the kids. Whether directly or indirectly. It often affects their future relationships.

 

But the more important part is that I haven't PUSHED the OP into "cutting off" his father. At all. I cited it as something he had the choice to do. Because often kids get guilted (even by the other parent) to keep up the pretense of a relationship with a parent that may or may not give a crap.

 

If his father is a "I don't give a crap father," there is still tons of pressure on kids to do the "care about me" dance. I find the "don't give a crap about my kid's well-being" trait to run very parallel with repeat adulterers. Again, YMMV.

 

That being the case, perhaps OP is sick of the pattern too. So instead of giving the apologist "bit he's your special Dad" stance, I offer up and alternative choice that has brought me plenty of peace and peace to some others I have known over the years.

 

And apparently that makes me worthy of personal attacks. I consider the source. And again, instead of looking like I got silenced, or my perspective invalidated, I explained it again. In a different way.

 

Maybe people who haven't had this dynamic in their family have a big problem with my viewpoint. Great. Share your own. Don't get on my case about your baggage. Or what family-destroying acts you condone. I am as free to share support on this forum as the rest of you. People don't get to "vote in" my posts or attack my character and expect no returns. That's basic. That's simple.

 

Again, you're correct. It is the CHILD'S choice. And in the case of OP, the OP should make the decision about what type of a relationship he wants to have with his father without being influenced by the mother.

 

In general, yes. But instead of holding his mother up to a great and higher moral standard, lets look at reality here. Her world has just been shattered, again. Given my own and my mother's experience with betrayal (my husband cheated as well, discovered after my father's affair) I know it is EXTREMELY difficult to know the "right" course of action to take. Especially with no supports. There isn't generally a manual distributed on dealing with betrayal and having no supports. I am not going to judge his Mom for not turning the right direction. She's obviously in a pretty bad place. Just the same as if my Mom got beaten up by my Dad and ran to my place, I'd let her in and not look at it as "her trying to guilt me about Dad" but more her running to the first place she could feel safe. I get that. It sucks for OP but I totally get that.

 

And yet again, you are absolutely right. I too think it's sick that the mother is guilting the kid into her dysfunctional relationship with her husband.

WHAT SHE IS DOING IS NOT HELPING THE KID; it's only helping her cope.

 

See above.

 

Yes you are angry; So is Goodyblue; So is everyone else.

But Dreamingoftigers you are projecting a lot of your personal anger in this forum.

 

If I may politely ask you to REfocus on the question:

What is in the best interest of the OP (not the mother) at this point?

 

I am sick to death of kids being put through this garbage and being told "none of you business, respect your cheater parent, pretend nothing happened."

 

Something did happen. It effects kids and often they get told to sit down and shut up. There's no law saying they need to or can't have their own thoughts and feelings about the events. And it may change their relationship with their parent. At least that's genuine. Instead of going through the motions for a parent they may no longer respect because of a "don't rock the boat" mentality.

 

I liked the part where another poster said he could be more of a "hang out and cheer up" component but that he didn't need the gritty details. I think that's totally okay.

 

Would it HELP the OP to get further involved and informed about the father's affair? And the answer is NO.

 

Good thing that no one is advising him to go "all-in" and make serious decisions on behalf of his mother. Or even ask her more questions about it. At this point his mother can't "untell" him.

 

What GoodyBlue (and I) are saying is that, while the father's actions are wrong,

 

it is in the best interest of the OP's emotional state and HIS relationship with his father to stay off how the mother deals with the affair. The mother shouldn't be using the kid to solve her problem.

 

That wasn't the actual debate. I get that you see it that way, and I agree with that. However, the actual argument was that I suggested that he "wasn't obligated to keep up a relationship with his father if he didn't want to." And the retort was, "yes he should, grow up. You're angry. He should cut out his mother."

 

Well my response is pretty much, I don't care who's father he is, if he's treating people like crap and can't be trusted, no one is "obligated" to play nice with him. No one is obligated to have to maintain a relationship which may be totally unhealthy if its emotionally damaging to them. No one. Whether they are sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, cousins, the pizza guy. I don't care. And the only vote that really matters is OP's.

 

Summary:

did the father do something horrible? yes!

is the mother in pain? yes!

 

should the child be dragged in between this mess which would cause MORE pain to the child? NO.

 

LEAVE THE KID ALONE.

 

Sure leave the kid out of the affair, at this point. But again, his Mom can't untell him anymore that his father can undo his AP.

 

So, in the end, it isn't about "pick the parent" no matter what some audience members who have a vested interest in protecting a cheating father have to say, its about "pick what's best for YOU, and if that means cutting out a potentially malignant parent, because that's often the case, then don't cave to pressure because of the 'title' that parent holds."

 

I GET IT. Some people go up in arms about "parents are super-special." But they are really just humans beings. I'm not the BEST parent on the planet, and if I start harming my partner and my kid by proxy, I hope that my kid shields herself from me as best she can. She doesn't owe me a fully-inclusive relationship if I am not even going to consider her feeling or impact of my actions.

 

For some reason there's a segment of society that is more okay with parents ditching or not caring about children, than child ditching parents that are callous or uncaring. That seems very backwards to me

[RySant]

^^ Only kids who have been through this can understand where DreamingOfTigers are coming from. So I do get her

[goodyblue]

I never said 'cut the mother out', I just feel that he should be his mother and father's SON. Not their buddy, not their confidante, not their sister, etc. He should not have the weight of what this mother is putting on him and he should not have to pick a side. The end.

 

I also am not saying infidelity does not affect the kids. I am simply sAying they should not be put in a bad position regarding their relationship.

 

If my kids tried to get in the middle of my adult relationship they would be quickly put in their place.

Edited January 22, 2016 by goodyblue

[TX-SC]

Why does everything have to be a gender war around here?

 

It's possible that this guy isn't a bad father even though he cheated. And if it was his mother coming on here asking whether she should tell her son about his father's infidelity, I would likely say NO.

 

But this is the son. Different dynamic. He already knows. He feels betrayed. His feelings are valid. It's up to him what kind of relationship he has with his father going forward.

 

First off, I agree with the idea that the child, and especially an older child, should be able to form their own opinions and act accordingly. We are in agreement in that respect. If he is angry with his father and wants nothing to do with him, then he should follow his head and his heart.

 

My argument is simply that just because he is a father, and not a mother, many people immediately jump on the "he destroyed the family" bus. We see this all the time on this forum and in the court systems. The feeling seems to be that when a mother cheats, she is a bad wife. But, when a father cheats, he is a bad husband AND a bad father. We know little or nothing about his ability as a father or about the dynamics between him and his wife. We can assume that he is a very bad husband for cheating and for giving his wife an STD or two. I know nothing of his interactions with his children.

 

FWIW, I had an awful father and basically cut him from my life. I'm not defending the OP's father in any way. I just don't know enough to call him a bad father. Realistically, anyone who cheats also cheats on the family, so maybe the best course of action would be to call ANY cheater an unfit parent? There are some who post here as former cheaters who would take issue with that.

[Whoknew30]

My father cheated (never gave my mom a STD) & I don't hate him at all not did I get some complex from it. IMO when a parent cheats, I don't believe it has anything to do with the kids. I just think kids sometimes forget, their parents are a couple that aren't perfect. I never would "choose" between my parents bc of their relationship problems. My dad was a great father, not the best husband for a time but I NEVER would put him in the category of an abuser bc he cheated. He was broken from his life & as an adult I can empathize why. Was it right, no & I would have supported my mother in no matter what her choice would have been (she chose to stick it out & they are happy now) though I would have never chose a side unless he would have truly abused her.

 

Your dad is broken somewhere but he is still your father. He cheated on your mom, not you. Kids are part of the family but kids of all ages forget, you will move on with your life & your parents are separate people that still have a life to live for themselves. Be there for your mom & even feel anger towards your dad for hurting her but at the end of the day, they are adults that need to figure it out on their own. Just love them & learn from their mistakes.

 

I've not been perfect but I took my parents problems & learned a lot instead of it turning it into anger & victimization. That will get you no where.

 

Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

My father cheated (never gave my mom a STD) & I don't hate him at all not did I get some complex from it. IMO when a parent cheats, I don't believe it has anything to do with the kids. I just think kids sometimes forget, their parents are a couple that aren't perfect. I never would "choose" between my parents bc of their relationship problems. My dad was a great father, not the best husband for a time but I NEVER would put him in the category of an abuser bc he cheated. He was broken from his life & as an adult I can empathize why. Was it right, no & I would have supported my mother in no matter what her choice would have been (she chose to stick it out & they are happy now) though I would have never chose a side unless he would have truly abused her.

 

Your dad is broken somewhere but he is still your father. He cheated on your mom, not you. Kids are part of the family but kids of all ages forget, you will move on with your life & your parents are separate people that still have a life to live for themselves. Be there for your mom & even feel anger towards your dad for hurting her but at the end of the day, they are adults that need to figure it out on their own. Just love them & learn from their mistakes.

 

I've not been perfect but I took my parents problems & learned a lot instead of it turning it into anger & victimization. That will get you no where.

 

Good luck

 

Sorry, but no. He cheated on his entire family... because he LIED to his entire family. I don't get why people think it's okay to be a LIAR if it's about sex. Lying isn't okay. Period. The End.

 

So, if dear old dad wants a relationship with his sons, it's going to be up to him to fix the damage that HE caused.

 

Meanwhile, I would suggest to the OP that he and his brother read through a copy of I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. Maybe their dad is just a creep, who knows?... but then again, maybe there are reasons why he's gone off the rails, so I agree, sometimes there's empathy to be found. But more importantly, it will help them avoid similar pitfalls going forward so they don't inadvertently destroy their own intimate relationships in the future. The chain needs to be broken before it goes further.

 

In the meantime, the OP is 26 years old. He's not a child; he's an adult. It's not inappropriate for him to be told the truth. In fact, he deserves honesty from BOTH his parents.

[Whoknew30]

Sorry, but no. He cheated on his entire family... because he LIED to his entire family. I don't get why people think it's okay to be a LIAR if it's about sex. Lying isn't okay. Period. The End.

 

So, if dear old dad wants a relationship with his sons, it's going to be up to him to fix the damage that HE caused.

 

Meanwhile, I would suggest to the OP that he and his brother read through a copy of I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. Maybe their dad is just a creep, who knows?... but then again, maybe there are reasons why he's gone off the rails, so I agree, sometimes there's empathy to be found. But more importantly, it will help them avoid similar pitfalls going forward so they don't inadvertently destroy their own intimate relationships in the future. The chain needs to be broken before it goes further.

 

In the meantime, the OP is 26 years old. He's not a child; he's an adult. It's not inappropriate for him to be told the truth. In fact, he deserves honesty from BOTH his parents.

 

I disagree, does a married couple talk about their sex life with their kids, typically? I think it's ironic most parents wouldn't dare to talk about themselves in the bedroom but now if cheated on "let's bring the kids into it". A married couple with or with kids are a couple, there are things that happen between spouses that are never spoken to with the kids. Also as a couple, you can break up & get divorced wether you cheated or not, that does not mean the kids are divorcing either parent. It disgusts me that parents use any reason to suck their kids into their couple problems. I don't care who hurt who (minus the case of true abuse that the kids see all the time). Sometimes spouses hurt each other or it doesn't work. That has to with them & your job a good parent is to make sure the kids (at any age) know it's not about them! Parents need to STOP "you did the kids too"...no they did to their spouse, not the kids.

 

Do you think about your kids during sex, wether with spouse or not?

[Ladyjane14]

I disagree, does a married couple talk about their sex life with their kids, typically? I think it's ironic most parents wouldn't dare to talk about themselves in the bedroom but now if cheated on "let's bring the kids into it". A married couple with or with kids are a couple, there are things that happen between spouses that are never spoken to with the kids. Also as a couple, you can break up & get divorced wether you cheated or not, that does not mean the kids are divorcing either parent. It disgusts me that parents use any reason to suck their kids into their couple problems. I don't care who hurt who (minus the case of true abuse that the kids see all the time). Sometimes spouses hurt each other or it doesn't work. That has to with them & your job a good parent is to make sure the kids (at any age) know it's not about them! Parents need to STOP "you did the kids too"...no they did to their spouse, not the kids.

 

Do you think about your kids during sex, wether with spouse or not?

 

I don't lie to my kids. If I tell them I'm going to the grocery store.. I'm at the grocery store buying groceries... not ****ing some guy in the parking lot behind it, you know?

 

Bottom line is that kids model their relationships based on what they know. What mine know is the truth. They know that marriage is work, give and take on both sides, and sometimes requiring remarkable understanding and forgiveness because people are fallible. They know that most people aren't all good or all bad. They know that the only actions you can control are your own. They know ALOT of stuff.... because I'm honest with them.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't lie to my kids. If I tell them I'm going to the grocery store.. I'm at the grocery store buying groceries... not ****ing some guy in the parking lot behind it, you know?

 

Bottom line is that kids model their relationships based on what they know. What mine know is the truth. They know that marriage is work, give and take on both sides, and sometimes requiring remarkable understanding and forgiveness because people are fallible. They know that most people aren't all good or all bad. They know that the only actions you can control are your own. They know ALOT of stuff.... because I'm honest with them.

 

 

 

Oh... and yeah, they know that good sex is important in marriage and they know why that's so. Because, I'm honest with them.

[Whoknew30]

I don't lie to my kids. If I tell them I'm going to the grocery store.. I'm at the grocery store buying groceries... not ****ing some guy in the parking lot behind it, you know?

 

Bottom line is that kids model their relationships based on what they know. What mine know is the truth. They know that marriage is work, give and take on both sides, and sometimes requiring remarkable understanding and forgiveness because people are fallible. They know that most people aren't all good or all bad. They know that the only actions you can control are your own. They know ALOT of stuff.... because I'm honest with them.

 

Ok, so you tell your kids, I'm going to have sex right now? I really doubt it.

 

I agree you should teach kids good things, that's parenting 101 but IMO it's bad parenting to have your kids rapped up in parents relationship issues. As a parent I want my kids to come first no matter the mistakes my H or myself make. This is a couple relationship problem & if your dad & I can't get through it, know we both love you & you have nothing to do with this, we are & will always be your parents & you're always first & loved. That's ALL kids should be told when there's problems. I don't care how hurt a person is, when you have kids their best interests are first, no matter what's going on.

 

I hate that when a person gets cheated on they want to make it about the kids. No, it's about the spouses & their relationship, nothing else.

[Ladyjane14]

Ok, so you tell your kids, I'm going to have sex right now? I really doubt it.

 

I agree you should teach kids good things, that's parenting 101 but IMO it's bad parenting to have your kids rapped up in parents relationship issues. As a parent I want my kids to come first no matter the mistakes my H or myself make. This is a couple relationship problem & if your dad & I can't get through it, know we both love you & you have nothing to do with this, we are & will always be your parents & you're always first & loved. That's ALL kids should be told when there's problems. I don't care how hurt a person is, when you have kids their best interests are first, no matter what's going on.

 

I hate that when a person gets cheated on they want to make it about the kids. No, it's about the spouses & their relationship, nothing else.

 

Rug-sweeping doesn't teach them anything. Honesty does. This is an opportunity for them to get to know their parents in a new way... to see behind the scenes, to learn, possibly even to find new levels of empathy for both of them, who knows?

 

We're talking about adults, not babies. They can learn what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct their own intimate relationships going forward. The illusion of "pie in the sky" serves no purpose. Reality, on the other hand, can be a damned interesting teacher. They can model on the truth, or they can model on a lie. Either way, they're going to model what they know.

 

How do you think this happens to so many people? Most would say "had I known the fallout, I'd have never gone there". This is seeing the fallout, learning from it, taking the lessons into the future.

[Whoknew30]

Rug-sweeping doesn't teach them anything. Honesty does. This is an opportunity for them to get to know their parents in a new way... to see behind the scenes, to learn, possibly even to find new levels of empathy for both of them, who knows?

 

We're talking about adults, not babies. They can learn what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct their own intimate relationships going forward. The illusion of "pie in the sky" serves no purpose. Reality, on the other hand, can be a damned interesting teacher. They can model on the truth, or they can model on a lie. Either way, they're going to model what they know.

 

How do you think this happens to so many people? Most would say "had I known the fallout, I'd have never gone there". This is seeing the fallout, learning from it, taking the lessons into the future.

 

 

Rug sweeping comes from the person it actually happened to, not a innocent 3rd party, which are kids. The fallout is usually faced with a divorce & a hurt spouse saying you did this to the kids.

 

Have you told your kids a 100% of every wrong you ever committed? People allow hurt to cloud their judgement of what is proper parenting is during a hurt. My H & I had problems (even separating) our kids knew we were having problems but the in & outs were none of their business. We were a couple before them & they'll have their own life one day that will be there's to make their own decisions & expect their own privacy. There's a difference between rug sweeping & blabbing to your kids as if they were your therapist. Bringing the kids into every aspect of your couple problems isn't going to help anything, it's called being the parent. Especially if the WS is good to the kids. It's a BS using the kids to get back at the WS bc their hurt. IMO

[Ladyjane14]

Rug sweeping comes from the person it actually happened to, not a innocent 3rd party, which are kids. The fallout is usually faced with a divorce & a hurt spouse saying you did this to the kids.

 

Have you told your kids a 100% of every wrong you ever committed? People allow hurt to cloud their judgement of what is proper parenting is during a hurt. My H & I had problems (even separating) our kids knew we were having problems but the in & outs were none of their business. We were a couple before them & they'll have their own life one day that will be there's to make their own decisions & expect their own privacy. There's a difference between rug sweeping & blabbing to your kids as if they were your therapist. Bringing the kids into every aspect of your couple problems isn't going to help anything, it's called being the parent. Especially if the WS is good to the kids. It's a BS using the kids to get back at the WS bc their hurt. IMO

 

Yes. I have told my kids whatever mistakes I've made and what I learned from them. I haven't cheated on their father, but if I had and if they were of appropriate age, yeah... I'd tell them that too. If they weren't old enough to process the information, I'd tell them when they were old enough.

 

My kids are grown. I've got no secrets. Life is messy. Letting them think it's not doesn't prepare them for what they're going to be dealing with out there.

[Whoknew30]

Yes. I have told my kids whatever mistakes I've made and what I learned from them. I haven't cheated on their father, but if I had and if they were of appropriate age, yeah... I'd tell them that too. If they weren't old enough to process the information, I'd tell them when they were old enough.

 

My kids are grown. I've got no secrets. Life is messy. Letting them think it's not doesn't prepare them for what they're going to be dealing with out there.

 

Telling your kids about life lessons is different than pitting them in the middle of your relationship issues. That's (once again IMO) where kids from A get jaded. They get put in the middle (at the time) & who wouldn't have emotional wounds from that? I watched a lot of my friends growing up have emotional issues bc they were in the middle & it wasn't fair that EITHER parent put that on them. Just bc a BS is hurt does not give them the right to put their hurt on their kids.

[sandylee1]

^^ Only kids who have been through this can understand where DreamingOfTigers are coming from. So I do get her

 

I agree....with you.

 

OP - I think you and your mom clearly have a great relationship for her to confide in you. Sometimes betrayed spouses don't want anyone outside the family to know about the affair..they feel embarrassed and ashamed about it. Please help her as best as you can.

 

It's evident that ex OWs have a different view on this. I think it's trying to minimise and pretend like cheating is only about the husband and wife. Well the truth is.. it's not. The cheater causes so much more grief than they think when their scre***g around.

 

You cheat and it affects all the family ...if a parent needs support because they are crumbling with the shock and pain..then they can approach their adult child.

 

What I see here (from some) is let's blame the OPs mother for involving him..Instead of placing the blame with the cheating father. I think it hits home for some members and past guilt is getting to them. Remember his mother is in shock..it's a trauma...have some empathy.

 

OP....I hope your mom is able to think a little clearer and decide her next move.

 

People you can direct her to seek online support as well.

Take care

[Whoknew30]

I agree....with you.

 

OP - I think you and your mom clearly have a great relationship for her to confide in you. Sometimes betrayed spouses don't want anyone outside the family to know about the affair..they feel embarrassed and ashamed about it. Please help her as best as you can.

 

It's evident that ex OWs have a different view on this. I think it's trying to minimise and pretend like cheating is only about the husband and wife. Well the truth is.. it's not. The cheater causes so much more grief than they think when their scre***g around.

 

You cheat and it affects all the family ...if a parent needs support because they are crumbling with the shock and pain..then they can approach their adult child.

 

What I see here (from some) is let's blame the OPs mother for involving him..Instead of placing the blame with the cheating father. I think it hits home for some members and past guilt is getting to them. Remember his mother is in shock..it's a trauma...have some empathy.

 

OP....I hope your mom is able to think a little clearer and decide her next move.

 

People you can direct her to seek online support as well.

Take care

 

No one said dad isn't wrong for cheating, what myself & others on here are stating any BS (dad's included) that have kids to put their hurt on their kids is wrong. You should never pit your kid against another parent bc of your hurt. A kid (even as a adult) is still your kid, they shouldn't big your biggest confident, it's not fair to ask that of your children. It's one thing to acknowledge what has happened, it's another thing to unload your emotional stuff on them...& this coming from a girl that's come from a family like that, nothing was hidden & I to watch every emotional outbursts from everyone, it sucked! I have my own life & relationships, do I care of course & all always be there but I have created a support system in my life, away from kids bc with my experience & friends experience as kids, I've seen that causes way more damage than the act itself.

 

Cheating is wrong, but a WS cheated on their spouse not their kid, the kids usually pay the price not bc of the A, bc the parents allowed them to be involved in their emotional mess.

[Ladyjane14]

Telling your kids about life lessons is different than pitting them in the middle of your relationship issues. That's (once again IMO) where kids from A get jaded. They get put in the middle (at the time) & who wouldn't have emotional wounds from that? I watched a lot of my friends growing up have emotional issues bc they were in the middle & it wasn't fair that EITHER parent put that on them. Just bc a BS is hurt does not give them the right to put their hurt on their kids.

 

 

I don't think so. From my point of view, "putting the hurt" on an adult child is abetting LIES and leaving him uninformed about what's really going on in his own family.

 

Sharing information doesn't mean that you spin the truth, it means you give the facts as you know them. While it's beneficial to encourage him to assess his own relationship with the cheating parent, you don't poison the relationship between you and your child by walling him out of your life so he doesn't know what's going on or why you've changed so dramatically.

 

It's not about revenge. It's about basic honesty.

[ShatteredLady]

Growing-up I was told by my Dad that he had only got really drunk twice in his life & no good came of it. As an adult I've had several drinks with both of my parents & know that they're human beings just like me!

 

As a child I was very much treated as a child. My parents taught me life lessons to get through whatever stage of life I was in. Those relationships develop as you age. I'm now great friends with both of my parents (in their 70's) & I think they did most parenting right & they ALWAYS did their very best to be the best parents they could be.

 

At 26 I was getting married. I was a very successful business woman. I had incredibly close friendships with my parents. If my Mum had been falling apart I would of noticed, I would of wanted to care for her & support her. She wouldn't of lied to me like a little child.

 

I understand some of the posts here but they're general discussion on this subject. My oldest, my son is 9. I would never dream of telling him that my H had an affair. In his view I've been 'sick' quite a lot lately & ive been suffering from allergies....that explains the swollen eyes & lack of verve some days.

 

If he was 26 he wouldn't believe those silly lies. He'd know that something was VERY wrong & lying, telling him I've got allergies etc would damage our relationship.

 

To have a strong relationship with parents, as adults, there needs to be honesty.

 

Anyone who believes that infidelity is just this private thing between the cheater & OW/OM & risks pain for no-one other than the BS is delusional!! Adultery damages (at best) & destroys FAMILIES.

[Ladyjane14]

Growing-up I was told by my Dad that he had only got really drunk twice in his life & no good came of it. As an adult I've had several drinks with both of my parents & know that they're human beings just like me!

 

As a child I was very much treated as a child. My parents taught me life lessons to get through whatever stage of life I was in. Those relationships develop as you age. I'm now great friends with both of my parents (in their 70's) & I think they did most parenting right & they ALWAYS did their very best to be the best parents they could be.

 

At 26 I was getting married. I was a very successful business woman. I had incredibly close friendships with my parents. If my Mum had been falling apart I would of noticed, I would of wanted to care for her & support her. She wouldn't of lied to me like a little child.

 

I understand some of the posts here but they're general discussion on this subject. My oldest, my son is 9. I would never dream of telling him that my H had an affair. In his view I've been 'sick' quite a lot lately & ive been suffering from allergies....that explains the swollen eyes & lack of verve some days.

 

If he was 26 he wouldn't believe those silly lies. He'd know that something was VERY wrong & lying, telling him I've got allergies etc would damage our relationship.

 

To have a strong relationship with parents, as adults, there needs to be honesty.

 

Anyone who believes that infidelity is just this private thing between the cheater & OW/OM & risks pain for no-one other than the BS is delusional!! Adultery damages (at best) & destroys FAMILIES.

 

Agreed. Age appropriate, but always honest.

 

My own father took his secrets to his grave and NEVER treated me as an adult or equal even though I was nearly 50. I still loved him, but that doesn't mean we were particularly close or that I ever felt like we really knew each other. It doesn't even mean that his "secrets" were all that secret. It just means that he never brought himself to talk with me honestly about himself.

 

I sat by his bedside for days, waiting for some epiphany from him that it was finally time to reveal his inner self. Nope. Never happened.

 

People can only control their own words and deeds. They can't control anyone else's. So, I really do think that even when the truth isn't all that palatable, it still has value; learning and bonding. The OP's father has his own relationship with his son. His mom shouldn't be expected to poison her own in order to protect his father's.

[Ladyjane14]

Oh.. and one more thing. Even when an adult child learns all the sordid details, if the cheating parent really lets them in (owning up to the betrayal and being honest), the kids really do end up experiencing a new and better understanding of that parent. They learn to empathize and to be more tolerant of human foibles. At least, that's been my experience.

 

Lies just **** people up all the way around.

[ShatteredLady]

LadyJane. I'm so sorry that you never got to have that 'true friendship' experience with your father. I truly treasure my relationship with my Mum & Dad as 'real' human beings!

 

I didn't realize how special what I have really is until I was much older. My cousins started traveling to spend more & more time with my Dad. I thought that they were being just kind. I live in America & my brother died so my parents can be pretty isolated.

 

I was chatting to one of my cousins & thanked him for spending time with my Dad. He really didn't see it that way!! Since having kids (like me) family & heritage became a lot more important to him. He was in his 40's before he learnt that our family were Polish Jews who escaped the holocaust! It was my Dad who told him!

 

It turns out that none of my 20+ cousins even knew that we were Jewish!! I don't understand why some parents, grandparents don't share the family history. I've always LOVED sitting & listening to all the stories.

 

Just as we are so influenced in every way by our parents, they in turn are molded by their parents back & further back through generations. Nature & nurture. Even if you don't know any of the details all of those people, their life experiences are part of who we are.

 

No-one may know that your great, great grandmother was cheated on repeatedly by her husband but it changed her as a person, which in turn changed the way she interacted with her children, which eventually effected who you are today. I'm not saying necessarily in a huge way but every action causes a reaction.

 

My Dad is one of 6 children. Most of the preceding generation were 12 kids, from each couple. What fascinates me most is hearing the exact same stories recalled by each family member. It's my favorite thing. If you're interested in human psychology it would enthrall you!!

 

My Dad can tell the funniest, warmest & dearest story that becomes dark bitterness when one of his brothers tells it. It taught me at an early age that perception truly is everything.

 

Just as I believe that one should wake every morning & intend to do the best we can & if it's a crappy day....wake the next & vow to do better. We should learn from our mothers & fathers. The sins of the father should NOT be visited on the son.

 

We should grow from day to day & generation too generation. So many are living cursed or haunted by what came before. History shouldn't just form us, it should teach us.

[sandylee1]

 

Cheating is wrong, but a WS cheated on their spouse not their kid, the kids usually pay the price not bc of the A, bc the parents allowed them to be involved in their emotional mess.

 

This is where I disagree.... you cheat and you you're betraying your whole family..not just your spouse.

 

Families vary...even now my parents will call us kids up if they are having a dispute with each other. We're a close family and when family get involved they have the best interests of the family at heart.

 

Perhaps on discovery... she wasn't able to get a counsellor....she may not have any friends she wants to tell. Some people don't tell anyone in case they reconcile...as it can hinder a reconciliation when you tell people who judge. In this case the OP knew about previous infidelity so he might as well know about this.

 

 

If my mother was distressed because of something my dad did...then I can't help if I don't know. Is she meant to hide away from me or pretend all is well or lie about the reason she's upset?

 

Maybe if I was a little kid ...yes I'd expect that...but not as a grown adult. I would not expect to tell a 10 year old or even a 15 year old... but if we were getting divorced because of it..then I would tell them why we we divorcing.. but not unleash my pain on a minor.

 

Blood is thicker than water.... just see all the so called friends who have no problem sleeping with their friends husbands... or family friends spouse.

 

Perhaps it's because my family are so tight knit. In my culture it's normal to go and tell your inlaws if your husband or wife has offended you...not just a little spat...something major. By the same token ....if you have grown up kids you can tell them too.

 

You're also assuming she's in a position to think clearly at the moment....what the WS or former APs hate is that their child is being hurt because of THEIR actions. It's okay to have your spouse hurt.. but you fail to think of the consequences...and one parent telling your child is one of them. The cheater then has to carry that shame and guilt.

[RySant]

Exactly as posted above. Cheating involves the whole family. If Divorce happens, physical availability of one parent becomes limited, and that absence will have an effect one way or another to the kids. Also, affection and loyalty will be divided as the other woman and their eventual kids will be seen as a competition for attention and yes, resources.

 

People undermine that "little things" and they ignore the fact that a lot of parents who no longer live with their children DO drift apart from them. So yes, it's also a betrayal to the kids.

[Whoknew30]

This is where I disagree.... you cheat and you you're betraying your whole family..not just your spouse.

 

Families vary...even now my parents will call us kids up if they are having a dispute with each other. We're a close family and when family get involved they have the best interests of the family at heart.

 

Perhaps on discovery... she wasn't able to get a counsellor....she may not have any friends she wants to tell. Some people don't tell anyone in case they reconcile...as it can hinder a reconciliation when you tell people who judge. In this case the OP knew about previous infidelity so he might as well know about this.

 

 

If my mother was distressed because of something my dad did...then I can't help if I don't know. Is she meant to hide away from me or pretend all is well or lie about the reason she's upset?

 

Maybe if I was a little kid ...yes I'd expect that...but not as a grown adult. I would not expect to tell a 10 year old or even a 15 year old... but if we were getting divorced because of it..then I would tell them why we we divorcing.. but not unleash my pain on a minor.

 

Blood is thicker than water.... just see all the so called friends who have no problem sleeping with their friends husbands... or family friends spouse.

 

Perhaps it's because my family are so tight knit. In my culture it's normal to go and tell your inlaws if your husband or wife has offended you...not just a little spat...something major. By the same token ....if you have grown up kids you can tell them too.

 

You're also assuming she's in a position to think clearly at the moment....what the WS or former APs hate is that their child is being hurt because of THEIR actions. It's okay to have your spouse hurt.. but you fail to think of the consequences...and one parent telling your child is one of them. The cheater then has to carry that shame and guilt.

 

 

None of my family on either side was born here, all very old school. I know exactly what a close & no secrets family is, how I was raised. After marriage we still live with our family's until after the first child is born. Unfortunately for my husband hes learned it too .

 

I grew up with all of this quite often & even as an adult, IMO it's wrong...not to tell your kids the truth, that's fine but to use them as your therapist, it's so wrong. If you couldn't make real friends, ever...there's something off with you., another problem that's yours & not your kids.

 

I watched this time & time again with the women in my family & I'm sorry it's not ok as a mother to take your kids down with you emotionally bc your H wasn't true to you. Two wrongs don't make a right. Wrong for someone to cheat, wrong for either to put kids in the middle. I've never lied to my kids, I just let it be known that anything that happens between us as parents will not effect them.

 

I learned the mistakes of my family. My kids can come to me with anything they want, I'm their mother, that is my job but if I have problems I get the emotional stuff out with therapists, priests & friends. Then by the time I'm with my kids, I'm emotionally & mentally healthy.

 

BTW, what do you think it does to adult kids to see their mom as a victim, multiple times? You think that's really healthy? You've unloaded all your crap as a victim more than once on your kids? This kid wants to enjoy his life & he's stuck dealing with this bc mom is weak? It's wrong to give life to your kids, so they can live it, to emotionally mess them up as new adults bc you couldn't stand up for yourself.

 

That's why I am the way I am. I've dealt with it & it's not fair. You picked a life (both WS & BS) let the kids live theirs. No one should have to deal with this so young bc either parent can't get it together.