I'm lost--father having an affair--mother heartbroken turning to me

[Whoknew30]

Exactly as posted above. Cheating involves the whole family. If Divorce happens, physical availability of one parent becomes limited, and that absence will have an effect one way or another to the kids. Also, affection and loyalty will be divided as the other woman and their eventual kids will be seen as a competition for attention and yes, resources.

 

People undermine that "little things" and they ignore the fact that a lot of parents who no longer live with their children DO drift apart from them. So yes, it's also a betrayal to the kids.

 

There's no divorce in my family. You were raised to believe that, so was I. Now my family being in this country & raising us here, I've learned two ways. A close family is a wonderful thing but not to allow your couple problems to destroy your kids. People only become limited after divorce bc they put their needs in front of their kids. Could be WS or BS. The key is for BOTH parents to put their kids first.

 

Cheating is not ok but neither is the betrayed putting their own emotional needs over their kids either. Im a mom, daughter that's been through all of that (my parents are still married) & will never think it's ok. No matter what happens my kids come first. Over my H & myself, they don't deserve to deal with our crap.

 

Just how I see it.

[dreamingoftigers]

None of my family on either side was born here, all very old school. I know exactly what a close & no secrets family is, how I was raised. After marriage we still live with our family's until after the first child is born. Unfortunately for my husband hes learned it too .

 

I grew up with all of this quite often & even as an adult, IMO it's wrong...not to tell your kids the truth, that's fine but to use them as your therapist, it's so wrong. If you couldn't make real friends, ever...there's something off with you., another problem that's yours & not your kids.

 

I watched this time & time again with the women in my family & I'm sorry it's not ok as a mother to take your kids down with you emotionally bc your H wasn't true to you. Two wrongs don't make a right. Wrong for someone to cheat, wrong for either to put kids in the middle. I've never lied to my kids, I just let it be known that anything that happens between us as parents will not effect them.

 

I learned the mistakes of my family. My kids can come to me with anything they want, I'm their mother, that is my job but if I have problems I get the emotional stuff out with therapists, priests & friends. Then by the time I'm with my kids, I'm emotionally & mentally healthy.

 

BTW, what do you think it does to adult kids to see their mom as a victim, multiple times? You think that's really healthy? You've unloaded all your crap as a victim more than once on your kids? This kid wants to enjoy his life & he's stuck dealing with this bc mom is weak? It's wrong to give life to your kids, so they can live it, to emotionally mess them up as new adults bc you couldn't stand up for yourself.

 

That's why I am the way I am. I've dealt with it & it's not fair. You picked a life (both WS & BS) let the kids live theirs. No one should have to deal with this so young bc either parent can't get it together.

 

I don't see my mother as a "weak victim."

 

I see my mother having been very strong for a lot of years, raising my two autistic siblings and dealing with my father's bullshyte and emotional mess because HE'S ridiculously weak.

 

And he is, aside from his cheating. But my mother WAS a victim to his cheating, something that completely blindsided her. I am not surprised she reached out. You seem really keen on bashing the mother, and you look at the female members of your family with a peculiar lack of empathy (the ones who experienced betrayal).

 

I honestly think it was normalized for you, which is VERY uncommon, because later your husband and you turned out to be cheating on each other and you first thread here seemed to reflect it as "not a big deal" IMHO.

 

If that's what marriage is to you: a long haul that you NEVER divorce where cheating is normalized, icant imagine what that does to attachments.

[RySant]

T People only become limited after divorce bc they put their needs in front of their kids. Could be WS or BS. The key is for BOTH parents to put their kids first. Cheating is not ok but neither is the betrayed putting their own emotional needs over their kids either.

 

You're right, definitely right. This is the ideal way of doing it.

 

But let's face it. It's not happening most of the time. When a parent becomes so involved with their OM/OW, they tend to become so selfish, or their priority becomes their "new family." I don't have statistics to prove my claim but just look around all those kids, who are so bitter with their parents who went to have a happy life with their OM/OW. They tend to focus more on their "New Family" and forget their "old one." You'll see a lot of stories like that and, forgive me, those are kinds of parents that should be burned at the stake.

 

Divorce has become a norm in the US. I support Divorce because there are things like domestic abuse etc. that are valid reasons for it. But to Divorce because "I am no longer attracted to me wife/husband, or I fell in love with someone else" is unacceptable. Just unacceptable. People with reasons like these shouldn't have been married in the first place since they didn't know the meaning of it anyway. Marriage is not DATING. You just don't walk away because you got tired of your spouse already.

 

If Divorce is okay, then there won't be people suffering from abandonment issues, daddy issues, broken family crap. These horrible things can stem from selfish acts such as cheating.

[Terrible situation]

I don't think your mom should move out. She should confront (your dad) her husband. Even if her husband ends the affair, would she be able to forgive him and take him back? That can harm the self esteem along with trust erosion. Because if he did it now, he might do it in future also, who knows. If she feels she shouldn't take it anymore, then the best thing to do is kick him out instead. She has put up with a lot already - herpes and HPV are not easy things to manage and could be emotionally draining to deal with some times. She should take a stand and have an open discussion with your dad. Don't advise her to move out. I know someone who did that and it is not easy. At the end, they regretted the decision of moving out and wondered if, after having a discussion and making a final decision, they should have kicked out their cheating partners instead.

[sandylee1]

I know exactly what a close & no I just let it be known that anything that happens between us as parents will not effect them.

 

.

 

If you divorce because of infidelity it WILL affect them though. Divorce under any circumstances affects the kids.

 

You may have friends as a BW.....but choose not to tell them your husband cheated.....your choice to tell your kids ..... is just that...your choice.

 

OP - I think your mother would benefit from seeing a counsellor and a lawyer.

 

Te

[Whoknew30]

I don't see my mother as a "weak victim."

 

I see my mother having been very strong for a lot of years, raising my two autistic siblings and dealing with my father's bullshyte and emotional mess because HE'S ridiculously weak.

 

And he is, aside from his cheating. But my mother WAS a victim to his cheating, something that completely blindsided her. I am not surprised she reached out. You seem really keen on bashing the mother, and you look at the female members of your family with a peculiar lack of empathy (the ones who experienced betrayal).

 

I honestly think it was normalized for you, which is VERY uncommon, because later your husband and you turned out to be cheating on each other and you first thread here seemed to reflect it as "not a big deal" IMHO.

 

If that's what marriage is to you: a long haul that you NEVER divorce where cheating is normalized, icant imagine what that does to attachments.

 

 

Everyone had different interpretations of strong. I don't think putting up with infidelity over & over again as strong, I see it as clingy. You're clinging on allowing yourself to go through it over & over again & being part of your kids experiencing that type of crap. Yes of course the blame lies on the BS too but first time shame on them, you stay after that, shame on you, after once IMO you've become part of your victimization. Yes, I did cheat & realized I didn't want to put up with it from myself or my H, I didn't want that life anymore & said if we can't fix this lets go our separate ways. If he or myself were to do it again, it would be over. I would not allow (as a mother) anyone to continue to mess with me emotionally if it effected me to the point of putting it on my kids. I'll protect them from myself if I had to let, let alone to continue to allow a unstable household. BTW, I myself have a child with Autism, after my own health issues that almost took my life. I'm not speaking from someone that hasn't faced hardship.

 

Is it wrong for someone to continue to forgive a WS, no it's your life & if a couple can work it out, god bless them but if you choose that, you're no longer some victim. That's where my lack of empathy comes from. If you shock yourself on a socket once, ok but if your do it again, take ownership of your own part. Someone can only continue to hurt one of they allow it.

 

The one thing I did learn from my family, as them being immigrants (legal) & a their marital crap, is no one owns your happiness & bad things will happen to all of us but how one "chooses" to handle it, is all on them. You can't blame your own actions on anyone else, no matter what bad thing happens to you, you own what you do with it.

[Ladyjane14]

Everyone had different interpretations of strong. I don't think putting up with infidelity over & over again as strong, I see it as clingy. You're clinging on allowing yourself to go through it over & over again & being part of your kids experiencing that type of crap. Yes of course the blame lies on the BS too but first time shame on them, you stay after that, shame on you, after once IMO you've become part of your victimization. Yes, I did cheat & realized I didn't want to put up with it from myself or my H, I didn't want that life anymore & said if we can't fix this lets go our separate ways. If he or myself were to do it again, it would be over. I would not allow (as a mother) anyone to continue to mess with me emotionally if it effected me to the point of putting it on my kids. I'll protect them from myself if I had to let, let alone to continue to allow a unstable household. BTW, I myself have a child with Autism, after my own health issues that almost took my life. I'm not speaking from someone that hasn't faced hardship.

 

Is it wrong for someone to continue to forgive a WS, no it's your life & if a couple can work it out, god bless them but if you choose that, you're no longer some victim. That's where my lack of empathy comes from. If you shock yourself on a socket once, ok but if your do it again, take ownership of your own part. Someone can only continue to hurt one of they allow it.

The one thing I did learn from my family, as them being immigrants (legal) & a their marital crap, is no one owns your happiness & bad things will happen to all of us but how one "chooses" to handle it, is all on them. You can't blame your own actions on anyone else, no matter what bad thing happens to you, you own what you do with it.

 

Which, of course, is the reason WHY you don't lie to your adult children about what's really going on.

 

We grow into adulthood and our relationships with our parents should make that same transition. When they don't, we're not getting authentic modeling on how life changes as we age, what kind of problems might arise, and how to handle it all.

[Whoknew30]

If you divorce because of infidelity it WILL affect them though. Divorce under any circumstances affects the kids.

 

You may have friends as a BW.....but choose not to tell them your husband cheated.....your choice to tell your kids ..... is just that...your choice.

 

OP - I think your mother would benefit from seeing a counsellor and a lawyer.

 

Te

 

 

Divorce can effect kids depending on how the parents are to the kids during the process. My H side has lots of divorce. There is no deadbeat parents or kids that don't see either parent when they want. My H & I were separated for a time at one point, he moved 5 mins away & coparenting was not a problem...bc my H come from divorce himself, we decided that no matter what, they wouldn't be in the middle. They had free range to be with either one of us whenever they wanted. No pressure & even though at that time we hated each other, we knew not to them in the middle. It wasn't being fake, it was just not allowing our mess to be their problem. We don't hide things from our kids, we just don't believe in them having to pay a price for our mistakes.

[Whoknew30]

Which, of course, is the reason WHY you don't lie to your adult children about what's really going on.

 

We grow into adulthood and our relationships with our parents should make that same transition. When they don't, we're not getting authentic modeling on how life changes as we age, what kind of problems might arise, and how to handle it all.

 

I don't think you're 100% comprehending what I'm saying. Bottom line of what I'm saying...a crappy spouse man or woman doesn't equal a bad parent. I NEVER once said lie, I said to upload your problems with their other parent that loves them bc they dicked you over is just as bad as the orginal action of the spouse in the wrong. Some people are really crappy spouses but good to their kids.

 

You're opinion of a spouse should not be forced down your kids throat bc you're hurt. Your adult kids have a life, it's their time, hard enough being an adult without your parents throwing their emotional crap on you. I'm suppose to be the mother & help my kids, not the other way around. No matter the age, I am the parent.

[Whoknew30]

You're right, definitely right. This is the ideal way of doing it.

 

But let's face it. It's not happening most of the time. When a parent becomes so involved with their OM/OW, they tend to become so selfish, or their priority becomes their "new family." I don't have statistics to prove my claim but just look around all those kids, who are so bitter with their parents who went to have a happy life with their OM/OW. They tend to focus more on their "New Family" and forget their "old one." You'll see a lot of stories like that and, forgive me, those are kinds of parents that should be burned at the stake.

 

Divorce has become a norm in the US. I support Divorce because there are things like domestic abuse etc. that are valid reasons for it. But to Divorce because "I am no longer attracted to me wife/husband, or I fell in love with someone else" is unacceptable. Just unacceptable. People with reasons like these shouldn't have been married in the first place since they didn't know the meaning of it anyway. Marriage is not DATING. You just don't walk away because you got tired of your spouse already.

 

If Divorce is okay, then there won't be people suffering from abandonment issues, daddy issues, broken family crap. These horrible things can stem from selfish acts such as cheating.

 

 

 

People suffer from those things not from divorce but because the parents aren't putting them first. To divorce bc you don't love someone is wrong but so is staying if you don't love your spouse anymore. Really think about it, do you really want to lay next to someone that doesn't love you? Or that truly loves another?

 

I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me, all that would be is a extremely lonely sad existence, though I understand that if my H didnt love me anymore wouldn't mean he doesn't love his kids. What good is it to the kids for their parents to stay married but no real love there?

 

That's where it gets so hypocritical. People say leave before you cheat but if a spouse comes home & says I want to leave bc I just don't love you, they're going to get the same backlash as they would from cheating. It's all very messy

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think you're 100% comprehending what I'm saying. Bottom line of what I'm saying...a crappy spouse man or woman doesn't equal a bad parent. I NEVER once said lie, I said to upload your problems with their other parent that loves them bc they dicked you over is just as bad as the orginal action of the spouse in the wrong. Some people are really crappy spouses but good to their kids.

 

You're opinion of a spouse should not be forced down your kids throat bc you're hurt. Your adult kids have a life, it's their time, hard enough being an adult without your parents throwing their emotional crap on you. I'm suppose to be the mother & help my kids, not the other way around. No matter the age, I am the parent.

 

I don't think you're 100% comprehending what I'm saying either. But it's really not that complicated. There were a bunch of people in here suggesting that the OP's mother had done wrong by seeking her adult son's advice. What I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with her doing that. It's completely in keeping with an authentic, adult, honest, relationship with one's parent, and there's a lot to be learned from it by the OP going forward in his own life.

 

The cheating parent can choose to engage or not engage honestly with his son. That's up to him. Castigating the betrayed parent for telling the truth and not walling the OP off just isn't right. If dear old dad had robbed a bank or murdered someone, it wouldn't be expected that mom paper over the facts or react unemotionally.

[ShatteredLady]

I was watching a lecture on YouTube & she said something I believe to be very true, "We used to divorce because we were very unhappy. Now we divorce because we think we could be happier".

 

It's just very sad that so many people, when they reach the VERY normal stages of boredom or distracted, busy marriages, start looking outside rather than working on what they have to make it better.

 

As said, there are situations (abuse etc.) where divorce is clearly the only solution.

 

I always believed that if you both take "Until death us do part" seriously you would try desperately to fix problems BEFORE the resentment sets in. We live in a disposable culture. It's very sad for families.

 

It's often human nature to blame our loved ones for our lack of the often elusive "happiness". How often do we read on divorce forums "He/She says their unhappy & want a divorce but they never said that there was anything wrong"?

 

No-one should be expected to live in misery but where children, families are concerned shouldn't fixing it be the response?

 

I know a lot of members here have done EVERYTHING they can. I'm not criticizing anyone here. What % ever even look on the Internet for help & advise?

[MJJean]

I've never lied to my kids, I just let it be known that anything that happens between us as parents will not effect them.

 

If you've actually said that to your kids, you have lied to them. What goes on between parents will always effect the kids. Divorce, staying together, being friendly, being cold, everything a parent does effects their kids. Period.

 

Even assuming the divorcing parents get along and co-parent well, the necessary changes in residence, routine, etc. will effect the children. And that's just the divorce. It doesn't even cover the changes that come when one or both parents remarry, have step kids, have new kids of their own, and have new family obligations with their new in-laws.

 

Also consider that YOU can say YOUR relationship with your kids wouldn't change, but you CANNOT say that for the other parent.

Edited January 24, 2016 by MJJean

[Whoknew30]

I don't think you're 100% comprehending what I'm saying either. But it's really not that complicated. There were a bunch of people in here suggesting that the OP's mother had done wrong by seeking her adult son's advice. What I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with her doing that. It's completely in keeping with an authentic, adult, honest, relationship with one's parent, and there's a lot to be learned from it by the OP going forward in his own life.

 

The cheating parent can choose to engage or not engage honestly with his son. That's up to him. Castigating the betrayed parent for telling the truth and not walling the OP off just isn't right. If dear old dad had robbed a bank or murdered someone, it wouldn't be expected that mom paper over the facts or react unemotionally.

 

I don't see anything wrong with seeking advice but read her son's post. This is now his burden. Your parent's marriage should never be their kid's burden. If this was your child that wrote this, how would you feel that bc your child loves you, they have made your problem, theirs. If my son wrote this, it would break my heart. I never, no matter what happens want to burden my kids. Not keep reality from them, but be their wisdom by all the things I've been through. I have no issues speaking to my kids about anything I've done or been through but I never want them to feel as they need to take my problems on, it's my job to take their problems on.

[Whoknew30]

If you've actually said that to your kids, you have lied to them. What goes on between parents will always effect the kids. Divorce, staying together, being friendly, being cold, everything a parent does effects their kids. Period.

 

Even assuming the divorcing parents get along and co-parent well, the necessary changes in residence, routine, etc. will effect the children. And that's just the divorce. It doesn't even cover the changes that come when one or both parents remarry, have step kids, have new kids of their own, and have new family obligations with their new in-laws.

 

Also consider that YOU can say YOUR relationship with your kids wouldn't change, but you CANNOT say that for the other parent.

 

 

If parent to child relationships change in a negative way, it's usually bc the parents aren't being about the kids. The only true change with my kids during our separation was that their parents weren't living under the same roof. They saw us no different than us living together. Like I said we spoke about & made it all about the kids, not ourselves.

 

Name a situation that you've seen that's negative & truly say that the kids are coming first.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't see anything wrong with seeking advice but read her son's post. This is now his burden. Your parent's marriage should never be their kid's burden. If this was your child that wrote this, how would you feel that bc your child loves you, they have made your problem, theirs. If my son wrote this, it would break my heart. I never, no matter what happens want to burden my kids. Not keep reality from them, but be their wisdom by all the things I've been through. I have no issues speaking to my kids about anything I've done or been through but I never want them to feel as they need to take my problems on, it's my job to take their problems on.

 

Circle of life. We start off taking care of them, and end up with them taking care of us.

 

I didn't see the "burden" that you perceived. I just saw a young man making use of a sounding board on the advice he'd given and asking for pointers.

 

Speaking of which, seeing an attorney is always good advice, but sometimes people don't think about seeing a financial planner and getting the retirement situation planned. He'd do well to consider suggesting that to her.

[turnera]

I didn't read all the other posts, so I'll just say, advise her to go to her lawyer's office and see what her rights are. Offer to go with her. Urge her to file once she's there for divorce. Nothing is more important at this time than her getting her legal rights in place.

[Whoknew30]

Circle of life. We start off taking care of them, and end up with them taking care of us.

 

I didn't see the "burden" that you perceived. I just saw a young man making use of a sounding board on the advice he'd given and asking for pointers.

 

Speaking of which, seeing an attorney is always good advice, but sometimes people don't think about seeing a financial planner and getting the retirement situation planned. He'd do well to consider suggesting that to her.

 

I didn't have my kids with the intention they have to one day take care of me. I do not want to burden them. I don't feel I'm entitled, I feel I have them life to live it. Not take care of me. We just think differently.

[Whoknew30]

Circle of life. We start off taking care of them, and end up with them taking care of us.

 

I didn't see the "burden" that you perceived. I just saw a young man making use of a sounding board on the advice he'd given and asking for pointers.

 

Speaking of which, seeing an attorney is always good advice, but sometimes people don't think about seeing a financial planner and getting the retirement situation planned. He'd do well to consider suggesting that to her.

 

You don't think a college kid shouldn't enjoy college without worrying about his mom & younger brother? I'm saving & busting my kids to go to college to enjoy & live life while preparing for their life.

[OK_computer]

OP,

 

How are YOU holding up given the situation?

 

Are you feeling that you can be a support to your Mom right now?

 

Do you want to "stay out of it" as much as you can?

 

 

Thanks DOT,

 

Sorry guys for replying sooo late. I checked often, and then I stopped after a couple of days not thinking i would be getting these many replies. I have to read through all of them now.

 

My mom decided to stay. There's not much more I can do, but if that's what she wants, that's what she wants. I mean she has been dealing with it her own way I guess.

[OK_computer]

Abosolutely. And using that precise logic, he shouldn't be guilted to side with one parent either. He shouldn't be guilted at all. What his mother is doing is guilting him to her side, which is not healthy for the OP.

 

 

Again, you're correct. It is the CHILD'S choice. And in the case of OP, the OP should make the decision about what type of a relationship he wants to have with his father without being influenced by the mother.

 

 

And yet again, you are absolutely right. I too think it's sick that the mother is guilting the kid into her dysfunctional relationship with her husband.

WHAT SHE IS DOING IS NOT HELPING THE KID; it's only helping her cope.

 

 

Yes you are angry; So is Goodyblue; So is everyone else.

But Dreamingoftigers you are projecting a lot of your personal anger in this forum.

 

If I may politely ask you to REfocus on the question:

What is in the best interest of the OP (not the mother) at this point?

 

Would it HELP the OP to get further involved and informed about the father's affair? And the answer is NO.

 

What GoodyBlue (and I) are saying is that, while the father's actions are wrong,

 

it is in the best interest of the OP's emotional state and HIS relationship with his father to stay off how the mother deals with the affair. The mother shouldn't be using the kid to solve her problem.

 

 

summary:

did the father do something horrible? yes!

is the mother in pain? yes!

 

should the child be dragged in between this mess which would cause MORE pain to the child? NO.

 

LEAVE THE KID ALONE.

 

 

I told my mom that I don't want to be involved, and that the only advice I can give her is to get counselling and seek a lawyer if she wants to do anything drastic. But I don't want to be involved in her decisions either. I've also gotten tired of hearing about it, and I told her in a nice and then firm way not to involve me anymore.

 

He's my father, and I still love him for all he's done for me and my family. I can't stop loving him. I just don't want to know these kinds of things about him. I'm torn on how I should feel about it, but I feel almost neutral right now..

[OK_computer]

Well this is my official update:

 

Soon after the events occurred between my parents and I posted this, I left the house again (Holidays were over) to start my medical licensing prep at my med school (far away). I was happy to get away from that house with things in such shambles, but not before giving my mom sound advice. I told her to move out, seek advice, live in an apt near friends--social network/support. She works a nice desk job in Philly so I told her to focus on her career.

 

I heard about it about it endlessly from her, and it was affecting my career at such a crucial time for me (MED school grad/ residency match) that I told her that I can't be of much more help than that. I could be a shoulder to cry on as a son, but that's also affecting my emotional state and well being, and I couldn't handle it anymore. Sadly, I told her one day to leave me out of it and stop talking bad about my dad, and if you don't want to be with him just leave. She put a month advance on a apt in philly to move in, and soon after cancelled and it and now she's living at home with my dad. Apparently their trying to work things out, which I have no problem with.

 

I don't want to comment on how she approaches her decisions on the subject of cheating or family, because I am not in her shoes. I am not her.

 

She's been with him since she was 18, now 50, I can't imagine what it must be like for her to pack up and leave after more than 30 years, I can't comment on that. Im sure she's scared to take the first step and live on her own, as she's never had to do that before. And my dad has been begging her her to stay, pleading, -- the works.

 

I don't know what to say, but I can say this:

 

for my own mental peace of mind, career, and mental health--I'm not going to be involved in this anymore.

 

I told my dad, as an MD--you gave her an STD that's undeniable proof of cheating--grounds for divorce if she chooses etc--but Im not involved. I want to be professional about this-for my own sake.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm.glad you worked it out for yourself and haven't been feeling responsible for her well-being.

 

I know it can be hard to watch them stay.