He has finally moved out

[amu2005]

My soon to be ex-husband just moved out on Friday. Here is a little background on my situation. We have been married for 3 years, he wants the divorce not me. He is unwilling to go to counceling, just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He said that we are not the same people and doesn't love me the way a husband should love a wife. Well during all this, he filled for divorce in April. We have been living together in the same house. I have put up with much emotional abuse from his during this time. He was rushing me to sell the house and make up my mind about everything in a matter of minutes.

 

Well I finally came to the dicission to sell the house. He moved out most of his stuff on Friday. I still don't know how I feel about this. I think half of the time I am still in shock about what is happening, but at the same time I know it is happening and have to take care of myself and move on with my own life.

 

While he was at the house we were sleeping in separate rooms, so I am used to the fact of waking up by myself every morning. It is just strange to have some parts of the house so empty. I almost expect him to come walking in the door.

I guess through all of this, I was hoping or thinking he would change his mind about wanting the divorce, but now I see he is not going to. It has always been in the back of my mind what I would do if he wanted me back, but the fact is that he doesn't want me back.

 

I will probably be in the house myself for another month or so until it sells. I have my dogs to keep me company. I feel sad but still can't explain my feelings. I feel like he has been gone for such a long time now, even though he was physically in the house the past few months, he was not emotionally there.

 

I made the decision to sell the house, b/c I know I would never be able to move on without him still living in the house that we sharred together. I know it is only a house, but it holds lots of memories.

 

Why is it now that all I can remember is the good memories of us, it is almost like I have blocked out all the horrible things he has said and done to me throughout all of this? I can remember all of it, but it doesn't seem to bother me as much as I know it should.

 

I know now that I can finally get a good night sleep, without him being there to wake me up in the middle of the night.

 

Thanks for listening.

[chaos70]

I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately since I'm in that stage as well so I can't offer advice that things will get better. I too secretly hope that things between my wife and I resolve, but I stand conflicted and also hurt that she doesn't even see merit in conseling. Emotions roll back and forth hourly and it can drive you crazy sometimes.

 

I can say that you have done all that you can; especially if he is unwilling to put effort to make the marriage work. Keep your chin up, and know that it will get better. If he can't see the beauty in you, then someone else will down the road. Focus on yourself at this point, and trust me...having my beagle (as neurotic as she is) has helped.

[amu2005]

Thank you for those kind words!

I am sorry that you are in the same situation with your wife. It really does hurt the most that my husband does not or didn't take our wedding vowes the same way I did. He is acting as if we are not married, but just breaking up. The is what emotinally kills me. I meant those vows when I said them.

 

I still just feel so shocked by all this. I know he has had these feelings for a while, but I wish he would have told me how he was feeling all those months ago. Who knows maybe it would have been easier to work out then. I know even at the beginning he still would have been unwilling to go to counseling, that's just how he is. So things would have probably turned out the same.

 

My emotions have been racing for months. One minute I am fine, the next minute I am sad and feel so lost. I know that this is all part of the heeling process, but it is easier said than done. I do try and focus on myself, and I do pretty good, but it only lasts so long then I find my mind wondering again.

 

I'm so glad your beagle is there for you. I don't know what I would do without my dogs, they always make me smile and it is nice to come home to them!

[chaos70]

I agree on the marriage vows...seems like people are taking those lightly these days. Dunno...just seems that working out the minor issues that leads to the big issues are easier than just filing for divorce.

 

Shocked and disappointed are just part of the emotions. I can't even listen to some of the songs on the radio just because I hear a lyric and it just sets it off in me. After a bit of counseling, I realized I shouldn't be suppressing my anger but atleast expressing it non-destructively. Now it fuels me in thinking, I'll show her what she was missing out on. Giving in to all the negative emotions made me lose my own self-worth, and I'm not going to let her (nor should you with him) take that away. You should look at it that way as well. You will have a brand new adventure to go in life and it may seem scary...but you can overcome that fear. After it is the D done, you need to focus on time itself. You can't go on crying about the past...but look to create a new future...one that you control and dictate. Otherwise, we both could go on for years holding on to something that is long done.

 

I'm glad some of my words help. I agree...at the moment...it seems like an impossible situation to get past. But other people have done it...so we should be able to walk tall after it is done.

[dgiirl]

I'm really really sorry amu I wish things could have been different. Everything that you've wrote, you know I'm feeling exactly the same way. It's so hard to know that our stbxh is treating this like a breakup instead of a divorce. But in time, I learned to look at it the same way. It was so so hard, and yet it's the only thing that has helped me. But I do take pride in the fact that it wasnt me who destroyed a marriage and it was him. Some days, you will be proud of the way you're coping, the way that you've remained strong and committed to making life better than ever before. Keep moving, dont let him drag you down, that's the only thing that's helped me survive.

[amu2005]

dgiirl, your words are always encouraging! I try to take each day for what it is, and just get through that day. It is just right now, I feel like I am in limbo until the court date. I messure everything up against July 5th. I know I can get through it because I have a strong support system, but some days are just harder than others.

 

I keep telling myself after July 5th, I will start my new life.....no looking back. I know that I have done everything in my power to try and save my marriage, it was not me, but him. This I know for a fact. I want to take the time to rediscover myself. I feel as if I lost a piece of myself being married to him. I was just to quiet and gave into his every need. I basically gave him everything he wanted. I supported him in his career, going back to school, always let him go out with friends, and then in the end he leaves me. Maybe someday he will realize he had a good thing and he screwed it up, but maybe he won't. I have to stop thinking about what he will do and think and start working on myself.

 

How is your situation going? I hope you are able to keep staying strong. Do you have a court date for your Divorce yet? Don't you find it strange to going from living with your husband and carying on a day to day routine to all of a sudden not seeing them and just talking about bills, and house stuff, etc. It all just seems to strange. But my soon to be ex is just a completely different person than I married, that is the only way I can get through this.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by amu2005

dgiirl, your words are always encouraging! I try to take each day for what it is, and just get through that day. It is just right now, I feel like I am in limbo until the court date. I messure everything up against July 5th. I know I can get through it because I have a strong support system, but some days are just harder than others.

 

I keep telling myself after July 5th, I will start my new life.....no looking back. I know that I have done everything in my power to try and save my marriage, it was not me, but him. This I know for a fact. I want to take the time to rediscover myself. I feel as if I lost a piece of myself being married to him. I was just to quiet and gave into his every need. I basically gave him everything he wanted. I supported him in his career, going back to school, always let him go out with friends, and then in the end he leaves me. Maybe someday he will realize he had a good thing and he screwed it up, but maybe he won't. I have to stop thinking about what he will do and think and start working on myself.

 

I swear we're twins or something. I've done exactly the same thing, and asked myself exactly the same questions. I think this is the reason for my divorce. I lost myself, and he lost respect for me. I need to figure out why I didnt see the problems, and how I can prevent them in the future. It's difficult, because I dont want to become bitter or demanding, but I need to figure out what my needs are, and then figure out how to get them met. It'll be an interesting experience.

 

One thing I am learning, I'm a different person around my stbxh (or his friends that remind me of him), than I am with my own friends. I'm very comfortable with myself. Anytime I have any contact with my stbxh, I become stressed and not happy. I'm this person who's trying to be the sophisticated wife. When I'm on my own, I'm having fun. There are moments where I recognize my old loving carefree self. I dont have him telling me how uptight or immature I am. I dont have to worry how to act or what to say or feel. I've always seen myself differently than other people see me. I need to stop worrying about what my stbxh has told me in the past, and start saying my own affirmations to me.

 

How is your situation going? I hope you are able to keep staying strong. Do you have a court date for your Divorce yet? Don't you find it strange to going from living with your husband and carying on a day to day routine to all of a sudden not seeing them and just talking about bills, and house stuff, etc. It all just seems to strange.

 

It's been almost two months now, I'm still waiting for an initial draft of dividing the assets. I wanted to be fair, and let him draw up the initial proposal because there's one tricky thing in our situation concerning his work. I wanted him to tell me what he thinks is fair, one as a test on his character, two because it concerns his job. I've got one major project at my work, once it's finished, I'm free to move. So I need to start working towards that goal.

 

There are days where I'm relapsing, but things are getting better each day. This last weekend was my stbxh birthday, and it took all my strength not to contact him, but I'm happy I didnt. First thing monday morning, he IM me at work about some legalities. Something he really didnt need to tell me, and something he definitely did not need to tell me when I was at work. So I told him to stop IM when I'm at work, and to email me this stuff instead. I'm taking more and more control over the situation and I'm realizing he wasnt good for me. When I was with him, I felt horrible about myself. Now that he's gone, I'm feeling great. So it must have been him.

 

It is definitely strange about talking about the legalities. It's even harder when I talk to him and he seems perfectly normal, like we're doing a project together, and not really getting a divorce. Learn from my mistake, dont let your stbxh walk all over you. If he says he wants to show up, and he bails w/o telling you, call him up on it right away. My stbxh did it twice, and it frustrated the hell out of me. But I'm taking more and more control, and going on with my life. Mine would IM at work, and everytime I found myself crying afterwards. So now I told him to stop it, and I'm feeling better. They lost respect for us, so now we have to tell them we wont live with it anymore.

 

Also, if it hurts too much to negotiate with your stbxh, then go through the lawyers. It might cost you more money, but it'll save you your sanity. I'm keeping this option as my backup, because right now i'm still in the early stages and everything's been talked via email/lawyers, so hopefully it wont be so bad. But if it does, i'm just going to go through the lawyers. Keep perspective on the situation. If you're fighting over towels and stuff, then let him have it. I'm looking forward to buying all new things to start off my new life. I really dont want ANY reminders of him. All our furniture's cheap crap anyways

 

But my soon to be ex is just a completely different person than I married, that is the only way I can get through this.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night once with an epiphany. I realized that I was suffering from anxiety and depression for quite a long while. I feel like I had been in a coma, and now when I woke up, my husband was a completely different person. He changed without me noticing. It helped me keep my sanity because he told me it was all a lie from the beginning, and I really had a hard time believing that was true, and whenever I thought it might have been true, I felt I was going insane.

[amu2005]

Good for you telling him not to IM you at work. Mine was doing the same thing, except he would call my cell phone all day while I was at work. And I would pick up the phone and then once hanging up I would be a complete mess and would be emotinall and cry. That was just his way of keeping control of the situation. He knew what it was doing to me, just the same way yours knows what he was doing to you. They just want to stay in control.

 

I stopped answering my phone at work, I now keep it shut off. He still emails me or call me on my work phone and I just say I'm busy and don't have time to talk or simply do not reply to his emails. This infuriates him even more. But this is what I have to do to keep a clear head at work. And for the most part, he is only calling or emailing to ask me a stupid question. Instead of waiting till the end of the day and getting all his questions together, he calls 10 times for individual stuff.

 

I don't call him, unless something came up about the house, but so far nothing. He has gone a day or two without calling, but that is the longest. And now he is trying to act all calm and friendly. Not sure what that is all about.

 

Regarding our assets, I did the same thing. I had him get all the paper work drawn up. I figured why should I do all the work, I'd let him do it. It has taken a couple of weeks, but his lawyer has everything all done. Now I just have to look it over and have my lawyer take a look at it. We are not fighting about anything. What is strange is we agree on what the other person wants to take. The only thing we are fighting over is the dogs.

 

I don't want any of his stuff to remind me, I too want new things to make a fresh start. But I am taking all the furniture and kitchen stuff. Anything we got as a wedding gift I am taking with me.

 

I'm glad that you have come to the conclusion that you will be happier and a better person without him. I know it is hard and will be hard for some time, but take it slow and rediscover yourself. Take the time to find out what you want from life and enjoy time with friends and family. The day will come when you will meet someone new and he will love you for the person you are, and you won't have to worry about trying to act like another person when you are with him. You will be the same person and that will be so much easier on you.

 

That's strange that we are going through the same situation at basically the same time. It has been 2 months for me also. I wish you well. And think of you often and hope that you are doing okay. Just stay strong and we both will get through this.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by amu2005

Good for you telling him not to IM you at work. Mine was doing the same thing, except he would call my cell phone all day while I was at work. And I would pick up the phone and then once hanging up I would be a complete mess and would be emotinall and cry. That was just his way of keeping control of the situation. He knew what it was doing to me, just the same way yours knows what he was doing to you. They just want to stay in control.

 

Yeah, I was in the bathroom right after any contact with him. My coworkers have been amazing to me tho

 

I stopped answering my phone at work, I now keep it shut off. He still emails me or call me on my work phone and I just say I'm busy and don't have time to talk or simply do not reply to his emails. This infuriates him even more. But this is what I have to do to keep a clear head at work. And for the most part, he is only calling or emailing to ask me a stupid question. Instead of waiting till the end of the day and getting all his questions together, he calls 10 times for individual stuff.

 

Well, mine has never called me. He either emails or IM. In fact he was suppose to show up at my house, and emailed me an hour after he was suppose to show to tell me he wasnt coming. I didnt get his email, and called him up 1.5 hrs later asking him where he was. I told him he still knows my number and there's no reason why he couldnt tell me he wasnt coming. Some of the things he tells me is absolutely ridiculous too. Makes me question his sanity.

 

And now he is trying to act all calm and friendly. Not sure what that is all about.

 

Sounds like my ex. It's self serving. He's acting all calm and friendly to ease his own guilt. He thinks if he's nice to you and do you favours, he wont feel guilty for leaving. Dont play into it. Just keep calm and friendly, but dont take him up on his favours. My ex started telling me what to do with the bills, how to transfer them into my name and stuff. I never once asked him a single thing on how to do any of this. I just ignored his remarks. He's telling me how I should cancel our landline and get a cell so if I want to move out of the city i can take the cell. I just ignored it. I think he's curious on what I'm doing and going about asking in indirect ways.

 

I don't want any of his stuff to remind me, I too want new things to make a fresh start. But I am taking all the furniture and kitchen stuff. Anything we got as a wedding gift I am taking with me.

 

Yah the wedding gifts from my family is coming with me. I'd take some of the furniture if I wasnt moving out of the city. Right now the expense of moving the stuff is not worth it.

 

I'm glad that you have come to the conclusion that you will be happier and a better person without him. I know it is hard and will be hard for some time, but take it slow and rediscover yourself. Take the time to find out what you want from life and enjoy time with friends and family. The day will come when you will meet someone new and he will love you for the person you are, and you won't have to worry about trying to act like another person when you are with him. You will be the same person and that will be so much easier on you.

 

I certianly hope so. I get so scared sometimes that I wont meet another person. Or that this will happen all over again. But I need to be confident in myself. I need to realize that I'm a good person and that my friends really do like me. If they like me, then someone else will too. I have a lot of insecurities, and I need to confront them.

 

That's strange that we are going through the same situation at basically the same time. It has been 2 months for me also. I wish you well. And think of you often and hope that you are doing okay. Just stay strong and we both will get through this.

 

Oh sorry, the 2 months was for him waiting to get a response for me on the assets. He dropped the d bomb on valentine's day ( so 4 months now? I'm losing count of time) But I do appreciate your support and understanding and also think of you and hope things are going well with you. We both seem to know the pain we're both going through. Some days is really tough, and I relapse. But I know I'm healing, so I know you will too.