Separated - suggestions welcome

[Zinnia04]

I'm 30 years old, married for 4.5 years (no kids) and currently separated from my husband for the last 7 months.

 

My husband is 8 years older than me and when we got married I was way more into him than the other way around. He does admit to 'loving' me at one point but those feelings were never very strong (by his admission). Over time I ran into problems with his parents (very involved and dominating) and before I knew we were fighting all the time. When the stress got too much, I moved out - he did nothing to stop me and accepted the separation gladly.

 

Since then I have made several attempts to reconcile but he's not keen (he says he's not been in love with me for a while and is leading a more peaceful life by himself with his parents).

 

I've used the time we've been separated to work on some of my shortcomings in the marriage (though I can't say he's thinking on similar lines - if at all).

 

About 2 months ago - we decided to not rush into a divorce and see how things panned out.

 

However I find myself getting impatient because nothing seems to be happening at all. I am keen to work things out but even reaching the stage where he's open to working things out is taking a really long time and I'm not sure how long I should wait it out.

 

On one hand I will be happy to try to resolve our issues, on the other I feel like he's made up his mind and is just waiting for me to be ok with divorce.

I don't know if I should start dating other people (there is a guy who has expressed interest in dating me) or I should initiate the divorce or I should wait it out till I feel more confident of making a decision.

 

I am also worried that the longer the separation the harder it is going to be to reconcile (it's already been 7 months and the emotional and physical distance is very very obvious - sometimes it surprises me how easy it was for us to let go !)

 

Any suggestions and advice would be welcome because I am truly confused at this point.

[Justqueztal]

Start dating this new guy is fine how i see it,its been 7 months.

I think after some dates you will know what to do try it.

It clear it hard to get you relationship again(i think he already has his mind set) but if you still want to try it go for it.

Its never stupid to fight for love it stupid not fight for it. Just think what love deserve to fight for good luck:)

[PegNosePete]

He has made it very clear that he is not interested in a reconciliation.

 

He will not change his mind.

 

You need to divorce. Might as well bite the bullet and get it over with.

[Zinnia04]

He has made it very clear that he is not interested in a reconciliation.

 

He will not change his mind.

 

You need to divorce. Might as well bite the bullet and get it over with.

 

I guess you're right. I just can't believe it's over so soon and he's willing to let it all go without even wanting to try!

[PegNosePete]

Well it doesn't sound as though he wa all that heavily invested in the first place, so letting go is probably quite easy for him.

 

Pretty strange why someone would get married in those circumstances. But hey, some people juggle geese.

 

Sorry you're going through this and have been hurt. But the best thing you can do is to cut it off now, and don't waste any more of your life on a guy who doesn't feel the same.

[Zinnia04]

Well it doesn't sound as though he wa all that heavily invested in the first place, so letting go is probably quite easy for him.

 

Pretty strange why someone would get married in those circumstances. But hey, some people juggle geese.

 

Sorry you're going through this and have been hurt. But the best thing you can do is to cut it off now, and don't waste any more of your life on a guy who doesn't feel the same.

 

I think that's because there was a bit of pressure from his family to get married at that point. He knew I liked him a lot and perhaps thought love from his end might eventually follow? Nonetheless he turned out to be the quintessential 'mamma's boy' who, much my discomfort, could never recognize the need to set some boundaries between his relationship with his parents (particularly mother) and his spouse. I now believe that the only way his marriage to someone, anyone, could be successful is only if he's madly in love with the person or the person gets along fabulously with his mother. Unfortunately, none of those apply to my case. I do wish this wasn't the case but I will just have to accept this and move on.

 

Such is the pain of unrequited love.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Zinnia04

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know if I should start dating other people (there is a guy who has expressed interest in dating me) or I should initiate the divorce or I should wait it out till I feel more confident of making a decision.

 

Initiating the divorce doesn't preclude reconciling with your husband. In fact, there's a school of thought that says legal filing can be a wake-up call for a recalcitrant spouse. Not sure what you'd lose by doing so.

 

On the other hand, not sure it's fair to a dating partner to get involved until your marital situation is clarified. There's lots of low-key activities - sports, book clubs, church, volunteer groups, etc. - that allow you to mix with both genders without the pressure of a relationship. At the very least, hope you'd be up front with this other guy about your situation. He may have certain "expectations" so you should be aware of the complications sex might bring should you reconcile with your husband down the road.

 

Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I guess you're right. I just can't believe it's over so soon and he's willing to let it all go without even wanting to try!

 

He said he isn't in love with you and hasn't put in any effort to try to reconnect and see if his feelings are still there for you.

 

You can't put your life on hold, if he doesn't want to be married to you anymore then this separation has to lead to a divorce quickly. It's not fair to you for him to wait it out especially since he's not putting any effort into you or going to counseling with you to fix things.

 

DO talk to him, be completely honest, speak from your heart and let him know how you feel, what you want and tell him that if he doesn't want to stay married to you, it's divorce time.

[The D Train]

Asking for a co-worker. If infidelity was not the cause of a divorce, would dating have any implications on the divorce settlement, arrangement? There's significant money involved here and wonder if the financially secure spouse (family money) would contest anything if the other spouse had a new partner or it could cause some headaches.

 

 

What do see as the general rule for waiting to date someone after separation and/or divorce? My co worker started to date prior to final divorce and is worried about family perceptions.

[Zinnia04]

Initiating the divorce doesn't preclude reconciling with your husband. In fact, there's a school of thought that says legal filing can be a wake-up call for a recalcitrant spouse. Not sure what you'd lose by doing so.

 

On the other hand, not sure it's fair to a dating partner to get involved until your marital situation is clarified. There's lots of low-key activities - sports, book clubs, church, volunteer groups, etc. - that allow you to mix with both genders without the pressure of a relationship. At the very least, hope you'd be up front with this other guy about your situation. He may have certain "expectations" so you should be aware of the complications sex might bring should you reconcile with your husband down the road.

 

Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for your response. I am not sure filing in the papers will help improve any chances of reconciliation. He was keen to file the papers 2 months ago, however I was not ready, which is why I postponed it for a bit.

 

I think I am just a hopeless (albeit often foolishly) romantic and I feel like there's always a chance for things to improve.

 

Wrt the other guy- he's a really old friend who knows about the situation with my husband. I don't plan to date him until I am divorced or atleast have filed in the papers.

 

I just feel rather confused because part of me wants to be open to the remote possibility that maybe things will work out, the other part of course wants to legalize the matter since he's not interested in making it work.

[Zinnia04]

He said he isn't in love with you and hasn't put in any effort to try to reconnect and see if his feelings are still there for you.

 

You can't put your life on hold, if he doesn't want to be married to you anymore then this separation has to lead to a divorce quickly. It's not fair to you for him to wait it out especially since he's not putting any effort into you or going to counseling with you to fix things.

 

DO talk to him, be completely honest, speak from your heart and let him know how you feel, what you want and tell him that if he doesn't want to stay married to you, it's divorce time.

 

I absolutely get what you are saying and this is the rational way to go. I don't know what's holding me back though. Sometimes I think I might regret the divorce sometime later in the future. But then I know it takes two to work and if he is unwilling to work it out, I alone can't run the show.

[Zinnia04]

Asking for a co-worker. If infidelity was not the cause of a divorce, would dating have any implications on the divorce settlement, arrangement? There's significant money involved here and wonder if the financially secure spouse (family money) would contest anything if the other spouse had a new partner or it could cause some headaches.

 

 

What do see as the general rule for waiting to date someone after separation and/or divorce? My co worker started to date prior to final divorce and is worried about family perceptions.

 

I'm in a similar situation so it's hard for me to give the best response. That said, I do feel that if the person is absolutely sure of divorce and sees no chance of reconciliation, it may be acceptable to date casually (as in just meet new people, no sex). I would think serious dating should follow only after the papers have been filed in.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just feel rather confused because part of me wants to be open to the remote possibility that maybe things will work out, the other part of course wants to legalize the matter since he's not interested in making it work.

 

Think you'll find over the course of time, circumstance and events, one of those options will become more appealing than the other.

 

Nothing wrong with simply waiting and doing nothing if that feels right to you. Some people have significant and pressing issues of support, living space and custody. If none of those apply, do what seems most comfortable. Some decisions may end up being made for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I absolutely get what you are saying and this is the rational way to go. I don't know what's holding me back though. Sometimes I think I might regret the divorce sometime later in the future. But then I know it takes two to work and if he is unwilling to work it out, I alone can't run the show.

 

But at least you'll know one way or another. Not knowing is worse, it's unsettling and confusing. Knowing will help you grieve the loss or it'll be reconnecting and fixing the marriage. As things are now, a stand still sounds painful, draining and awful to have to cope with daily.

[sandylee1]

Have you had any discussions about the terms of the seperation at all ? It's sad that married you when he never loved you and MILs can be a nightmare.

 

You're better off without him. Let him know he can file and you're both free to start dating.

 

As others have said....it's easy for him to let go as he wasn't all there to begin with.

 

Don't ever be with a guy who you're more into than he is. It makes you put up with poor treatment and loose a degree of self respect.

[Zinnia04]

Have you had any discussions about the terms of the seperation at all ? It's sad that married you when he never loved you and MILs can be a nightmare.

 

You're better off without him. Let him know he can file and you're both free to start dating.

 

As others have said....it's easy for him to let go as he wasn't all there to begin with.

 

Don't ever be with a guy who you're more into than he is. It makes you put up with poor treatment and loose a degree of self respect.

 

We haven't discussed any terms of separation. We were living with his parents after marriage and hold no joint assets. We're both financially independent and have no kids. I've been renting my own place ever since I moved out.

 

He says that the time he proposed, he was sure he felt love but over the years we were constantly apart for work and staying with his parents didn't help. His mom shows signs of (over)possessiveness for her son. We were arguing and fighting a lot (I admit I was at fault many times as well) mostly because I felt that his parents were excessively involved in our lives and I didn't seem to have a voice in any decision.

 

It was during one of those fights that he happened to mention that he hadn't been in love with me for a while now. He feels jaded and says that a marriage should not be so much work. He prefers to quit altogether (and be at peace) instead of working hard towards saving our marriage.

 

I often question if it was love to begin with if it was so easy for him to let go of this relationship without genuinely giving it another chance.

 

It's hard for me because our marriage and vows meant something to me and it's difficult to see it all crumble.

[MJJean]

The problem is that you still love him, so you want to cling to hope. You have to let go. He doesn't love you, hasn't loved you since before the separation, has no desire to even try to reconcile, and feels peace when he thinks of the divorce.

 

Not to mention that it'd be impossible to reconcile, even if he were willing, unless he moved away from mommy. Which he won't do from what you've described.

 

There is nothing more you can do. The marriage is over and has been for some time. Let go. Mourn it. Date. Move on with your life. You're not guaranteed the next year or day or hour. How much of your precious life are you going to waste on a man who doesn't love you and wants a divorce so he can live with his mommy in peace?

[Zinnia04]

Today was a particularly rough day.

 

Husband and I work together so I keep running into him. I know he's having the time of his life. Looks great. Doing well professionally. He's partying and spending more than he ever used when we were together.

 

I want to be happy for him but I think it kills me sometimes when I see how much I'm suffering through this separation while he's got it all sorted and couldn't be doing better.

 

I hate myself for feeling bitter.

 

And I can't understand why it's taking me so much time to move on and it seems to be so easy for him.

[Satu]

The only option here is stoic acceptance:

 

"I do not want this, but I accept it. I will learn from it, grow through it, and move on."

 

 

Take care.

[Zinnia04]

The only option here is stoic acceptance:

 

"I do not want this, but I accept it. I will learn from it, grow through it, and move on."

 

 

Take care.

 

I'm going to write that down and read it every single day. Thank you!

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Today was a particularly rough day.

 

Husband and I work together so I keep running into him. I know he's having the time of his life. Looks great. Doing well professionally. He's partying and spending more than he ever used when we were together.

 

I want to be happy for him but I think it kills me sometimes when I see how much I'm suffering through this separation while he's got it all sorted and couldn't be doing better.

 

I hate myself for feeling bitter.

 

And I can't understand why it's taking me so much time to move on and it seems to be so easy for him.

 

 

Working together and seeing him everyday is not healthy at all. Judging by your post, this marriage is over. How are you suppose to heal when your scab is ripped off after every daily encounter at work? For your mental health, I would consider other employment if possible. Next, being happy for him should be the last thing on your mind. This guy allowed you to give him your all knowing darn well he never cared for you enough to return the favor. That is not only cowardly but down right evil. You deserve better. Go on that date and move on with your life. The longer you neglect your well-being the longer it will take for you to recover. I wish you the best and keep us posted.

[Mr. Lucky]

Husband and I work together so I keep running into him. I know he's having the time of his life. Looks great. Doing well professionally. He's partying and spending more than he ever used when we were together.

 

I'm going to assume you put on your game face when around him and I'd guess much of what you see is him doing the same for you. Don't read too much into it or put too much stock in what you hear.

 

I'll second the suggestion to consider changing employment. A new job could be the first step to a new life ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

Yes, please seek a new job. Working together with someone you love who does not love you in return is torture and prevents you from mourning and healing.

 

If a new job isn't possible right now, could you transfer to a different building or department or something so that you don't have to see him at all?

[Zinnia04]

Unfortunately change of employment isn't possible for another year because we're both PhD scholars waiting to write up our theses and as luck would have it, we work under the same supervisor, in the same lab!

[Zinnia04]

On a more positive note: I would like to thank each and everyone of you for taking time out to read about my issues and for providing encouragement and suggestions.