Was I wrong to be upset?

[Seymore]

I left my ex about 3 months ago, for a number of reasons. And every so often, things pop in my head that I didn't think about before - things that I had forgotten or whatever, and times she pissed me off, to help me know I did the right thing in leaving.

 

My gf and I were out in a group of classmates. There was this one guy who I couldn't stand. He liked to flirt with my gf, and sometimes would even say "I love you" - maybe half jokingly, but still. She claimed that she wasn't fond of him either for numerous reasons.

 

So we are all out shooting pool at a bar and he would touch her arm when he talked to her and she wouldn't back off, she'd just laugh and they'd talk. Then he starts talking to her about her line of work and he'd like to maybe get into it. I'm a little miffed but minding my own business, not interfering. He leaves and comes back with two drinks, one for her and one for him. She doesn't turn down the drink and they keep talking. Now I'm starting to get pissed off. After we got home that night, she asked why I was upset and I told her. She said it was just a drink and he offered it to her and there is nothing there and she told me before she wasn't fond of him and why didn't I trust her.

 

The next day I messaged him on Facebook, politely asking why he bought my girlfriend a drink. He told me he asked how he could get in her line of work, and she said "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you". So he didn't offer it, she asked him for it.

 

Something like this had happened once before with someone else in our class, he bought her a drink as well, right in front of me. She didn't refuse then, either, or say something like "Are you going to buy my boyfriend a drink, too?".

 

Was I right to get upset? I realize the relationship is over now anyway and it shouldn't matter, but I felt upset and was told I was wrong to feel that way. I can't even fathom ever going up to even my best friend's girlfriend and especially right in front of him, offering to buy her a drink and not him.

[Nilfiry]

You can be upset all you want. That is your right and no one can say you are wrong for feeling upset.

 

However, what you do with that emotion is a different matter. In this case, you seem to have overreacted to simple friendly gestures. Buying someone a drink does not always imply that you are trying to hit on that person. Instead of keeping it under control and analyze the situation better, you allowed it to get the better of you and made things awkward for everyone.

 

So while you were not wrong for getting upset, the way you handled it could have been better.

[Seymore]

Yeah, but flirty guys buying your girlfriend a drink right in front of you doesn't seem like a simple friendly gesture. If it were, why not buy the girl's boyfriend a drink too to show you don't mean to come off as hitting on another guy's woman? That's totally what I would have done. It just seems so disrespectful.

 

I know for a fact that if my ex didn't like some girl in our class, AND that girl was flirty with me, AND I solicited that girl for a drink - my ex would NUKE. Hell, if I even SPOKE to another girl in our class - whether she was flirty with me or not, my ex would turn jealous green.

[Nilfiry]

Well, it could be for any reason. Maybe he just did not need your input. Maybe he wanted to save himself some money. Maybe they both thought it was no big deal. Your thinking is not the same as everyone else's thinking, so there is no use in asking why, especially now that the relationship is over.

[Satu]

What you feel is neither right nor wrong. You feel what you feel.

 

It seems that you and your ex have a different sense of where your boundaries should be.

 

That is also not wrong.

 

What she did was perfectly acceptable in her way of thinking. In your way of thinking, it was wrong.

 

You're just different.

[Seymore]

I don't know…that seems like a double standard to me. If she can solicit guys for drinks and I can't even speak to women without her getting upset, that doesn't seem unfair?

[smackie9]

OMG if I did that my husband would kick me to the curb.

[smackie9]

Obviously this about respecting personal boundaries....she doesn't have any and IMO she disrespected your feelings.

[Space Ritual]

I left my ex about 3 months ago, for a number of reasons. And every so often, things pop in my head that I didn't think about before - things that I had forgotten or whatever, and times she pissed me off, to help me know I did the right thing in leaving.

 

My gf and I were out in a group of classmates. There was this one guy who I couldn't stand. He liked to flirt with my gf, and sometimes would even say "I love you" - maybe half jokingly, but still. She claimed that she wasn't fond of him either for numerous reasons.

 

So we are all out shooting pool at a bar and he would touch her arm when he talked to her and she wouldn't back off, she'd just laugh and they'd talk. Then he starts talking to her about her line of work and he'd like to maybe get into it. I'm a little miffed but minding my own business, not interfering. He leaves and comes back with two drinks, one for her and one for him. She doesn't turn down the drink and they keep talking. Now I'm starting to get pissed off. After we got home that night, she asked why I was upset and I told her. She said it was just a drink and he offered it to her and there is nothing there and she told me before she wasn't fond of him and why didn't I trust her.

 

The next day I messaged him on Facebook, politely asking why he bought my girlfriend a drink. He told me he asked how he could get in her line of work, and she said "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you". So he didn't offer it, she asked him for it.

 

Something like this had happened once before with someone else in our class, he bought her a drink as well, right in front of me. She didn't refuse then, either, or say something like "Are you going to buy my boyfriend a drink, too?".

 

Was I right to get upset? I realize the relationship is over now anyway and it shouldn't matter, but I felt upset and was told I was wrong to feel that way. I can't even fathom ever going up to even my best friend's girlfriend and especially right in front of him, offering to buy her a drink and not him.

 

 

Young man,

 

You two are now broken up and have been so for 3 months. Please do yourself a favor and stop running these scenarios in your head. It will drive you batty.

 

While I get that it upset you, playing Monday Morning Quarterback after 3 months of not being in a relationship with her will only do one thing. And that is to occupy headspace about her that could be better occupied with someone else.

 

Just make sure to keep a mental note of it in your next relationship in case this occurs again. But please do not mull this over now. The time spent wracking your brain over her is time wasted.

[kgcolonel]

Understanding you are no longer together....where is she....is she with one of the orbiters that you mention or do you know.....not that it matters but her whereabouts now would tell you if she was a player in this instance

 

at any rate, you are totally right being upset....

[Seymore]

Understanding you are no longer together....where is she....is she with one of the orbiters that you mention or do you know.....not that it matters but her whereabouts now would tell you if she was a player in this instance

 

at any rate, you are totally right being upset....

 

To tell the truth, I don't want to know, and I'm in therapy right now trying to get from don't know to don't care. Part of the reason we split was I caught her in a lie and she was out with another guy - another time she was hiding a conversation between her and another guy from me - and she had cheated in previous relationships as well. There were other reasons I left too, but adding it all up, she wasn't the most trustworthy person.

 

I guess I was going over things in my head because when she would do stuff like this - things that if roles were reversed she'd NEVER go for - she'd make me feel crazy for being upset and give me the "I can't believe you don't trust me" line. And I guess I'm looking for a little perspective - am/was I crazy? Because if this is how a relationship works, then I have some self-work to do, you know? I don't know if that makes sense.

[Darren Steez]

To tell the truth, I don't want to know, and I'm in therapy right now trying to get from don't know to don't care. Part of the reason we split was I caught her in a lie and she was out with another guy - another time she was hiding a conversation between her and another guy from me - and she had cheated in previous relationships as well. There were other reasons I left too, but adding it all up, she wasn't the most trustworthy person.

 

I guess I was going over things in my head because when she would do stuff like this - things that if roles were reversed she'd NEVER go for - she'd make me feel crazy for being upset and give me the "I can't believe you don't trust me" line. And I guess I'm looking for a little perspective - am/was I crazy? Because if this is how a relationship works, then I have some self-work to do, you know? I don't know if that makes sense.

 

Dude you're in therapy because a cheater did this to you? Man, you're giving this chick waaay to much power man. How old are you?

 

The best way to get over her and stop overthinking the past and what she did is to hop back on the bike and start having fun with the ladies again.

 

Instead of worrying about what she did and who with, why not give yourself a big pat on the back for having the nuts to dump her and send her on her way. You got out before you really did you wrong.

 

Now go and enjoy yourself!

[kgcolonel]

Makes perfect sense.....sorry if the questions triggered you on the questions.

[Seymore]

Makes perfect sense.....sorry if the questions triggered you on the questions.

 

Not at all. I appreciate all the responses.

[Chi townD]

I agree with space. Dude, it's been three months. Time to move on.

 

 

As far as that scenario goes, what she did was disrespectful and to, especially, do it in front of you. If the shoe was on the other foot and she saw you flirting and buying another girl a drink, I don't think she would have been too happy.

 

 

But, what I'm also getting from you is that you seem to have a pretty intense jealous streak. Now, some girls might think that's cute. But, only ONCE! After that, they get put off by it really quick. So, I think that you need to get a handle on that for future relationships.

[Seymore]

You wouldn't get jealous if some other dude was buying your girl drinks and upset if she was accepting them, let alone asking him to buy her a drink instead of you?

 

I'm just not getting where the jealous streak comment comes in. And like I said, I'm going over things as part of my therapy (writing down red flags and keeping a list so I don't go back to her or someone like her), and didn't know if it was something to include.

 

And Darren, the therapy isn't just over her, but other things related to our relationship like having to let go of not only the relationship, but mutual friends, her kids, etc. It all left a pretty big hole in my life so I'm rebuilding and therapy is helping to guide me.

[Chi townD]

You wouldn't get jealous if some other dude was buying your girl drinks and upset if she was accepting them, let alone asking him to buy her a drink instead of you?

 

I'm just not getting where the jealous streak comment comes in. And like I said, I'm going over things as part of my therapy (writing down red flags and keeping a list so I don't go back to her or someone like her), and didn't know if it was something to include.

 

And Darren, the therapy isn't just over her, but other things related to our relationship like having to let go of not only the relationship, but mutual friends, her kids, etc. It all left a pretty big hole in my life so I'm rebuilding and therapy is helping to guide me.

 

 

Would I get upset over something like that? Yes.

 

 

Would I talk to her about why it upset me? Yes.

 

Would I facebook the guy the next day asking HIM why he bought her a drink? NOPE!

 

 

Would I put my trust in her to not let that happen again? Yes.

 

 

Would I let her handle it and let her take corrective actions? Yes.

 

 

Sometimes people do things that we don't know bothers the other. That's where communication is paramount. But, if she knows how you feel about it, then you should have given her a chance to correct it. Instead, you're on the computer the very next day with this other dude. Now, I could be wrong, but maybe some girls can weight in here. That could make you look possessive and paranoid in your Ex's eyes. So, yeah. I think you went SLIGHTLY overboard. Just my opinion.

[Maggie4]

I sometimes feel bad for young men because they challenge each other, and a peace loving guy could be forced to confront. A guy hitting on your gf right in front of you forces you to say something to him right to his face right then and there. You didn't, that's why later you had to contact him by facebook.

If a woman buys my date a drink, I'd tell her to go away, in a not nice way.

I think you need to separate the insult from that guy from the insult from the girl not telling him off. And think about what really bothers you. Even if she told him off, it wouldn't have the same effect as if you did.