Relationship not as meaningful, we no longer spend time together, I feel very distant

[Veniz]

I am having a really hard time deciding what to do with a situation my Fiancee and I are in, to the point that I found it necessary to get some other opinions. So please help. What is going on first, and question at the end.

 

My fiancee and I have been engaged for a little over 2 years now, and were together for 3 years prior to getting engaged. We have lived together since we have been together (first year was more of a "hey I need help with rent and you want to get out of a bad household" type of thing).

 

When we got together, we had the same interests. We liked many of the same movies, many of the same games, many of the same bands. We did a lot together, we went a lot of places together, and we've spent a lot of time together as well. Enjoying each other's company.

 

I've always tried to keep both of our well-beings in mind, and look for jobs in places that we could both see ourselves living. There was a time where I had an interview at a job I really wanted that was in a place she absolutely did not want to live near, and that ended up turning into our first real fight/argument.

 

As of early 2015, her interests started changing a bit, and ever since about May-ish (so 8 months now), we have not done anything together, Gone many places together, Etc. She no longer sleeps in the same bed as me, and we spend almost no time in the same room anymore. I have tried to spend my time in the same room as her so we can talk at least, but whenever I say something to or ask her something, she doesn't respond unless I repeat it 5 or 6 times. We also don't have real conversations very often anymore.

 

Whenever I go out of town or stay at a friend's house, she rarely responds to my texts/calls/emails in a decent amount of time or at all. Due to the lack of communication, I have also found myself growing less attracted to her both sexually and mentally, and overall been finding myself less inclined to try to do anything with her.

 

We used to go out to dinner just so we could eat and talk together, we would take drives and talk, etc. But now every time we go out to dinner, she doesn't talk to me. She just eats and goes on her phone doing whatever. Whenever we drive somewhere, she doesn't talk, she just goes on her phone. She used to not give a damn about her phone to the point that she would often forget it at home because she didn't use it.

 

She ended up stopping going with me places entirely. We rarely ever go eat together, and whenever we do get fast food or anything, she makes me go get it and isn't willing to come.

 

I got sick of this very quickly to the point where any time she tells me to get food and I am not already out, I refuse unless she either comes with me or sends me however much it will cost through the bank. I also saw a thing online where people put their phones on a table at a restaurant and the first person to use their phone has to pay the bill, hence giving people a reason to talk, and started trying that. What makes me a bit depressed is that in both of these situations, she is perfectly willing to pay for all of it so that she can stay home and do whatever and so she can use her phone at dinner.

 

I have honestly grown to the point where instead of viewing her as my partner, my fiancee, my best friend, etc I have a hard time thinking about her as more than just a room mate. This has been tearing me apart emotionally and I have found myself getting more and more depressed the more I think about her.

 

Late 2015, I was having a very bad time working in a toxic work environment that ended up causing me to be put on anti-anxiety, anti-depression, and sleep medicine, and eventually resign and decide not to do what I went to college to do. Throughout this experience, she was never willing to sit down and talk about it, to give me advice, to say I can get through it, to encourage me to get through it, she just did her own thing. Because of this, I felt like I was alone and helpless.

 

I have tried approaching her about these things. I have told her that it has been making me feel really sad and that I want to spend time with her. I want to do things with her. I want to go places and talk with her. But all she had to say was "We don't really like the same stuff anymore, and I really enjoy the time I spend with my friends online. It is the only thing that motivates me to do anything, otherwise I know I will just lay there and do nothing." I know she is going through something too, but I feel that just from that, her friends and being online is much more of a priority to her than spending time with me.

 

I have an idea of what I am going to try next. I am going to try to get her on board with the idea of "During the week, we do what we want, but one day every week, we put our own stuff down and spend the day together, only watching/playing/doing/going places/etc together. Then the other days you do what you do and I'll do what I do." I feel like this might help, but with how she has been, I know she will probably either turn the idea down or get out of it somehow.

 

I've gotten to the point where I have been doubting whether or not I truly want to be with her anymore. I have started having thoughts about other girls, and imagining what life would be like without her.

 

Our lease is up in June or July, and what I have been thinking about is if this situation doesn't get better by the time we have to put in our month's notice, I won't move in with her, and basically end the relationship right there. I talked a bit with my best friend and he offered to let me rent out some of his house if that were to happen. But I am not necessarily bound to June or July. My fiancee is the person on the lease agreement, so if I were to get out today, for example, there would be no fees or ramifications to me.

 

If we were to part ways, I feel as if I would not be able to find anyone else, and that I would end up feeling like I did in high school: Insignificant, lonely, that nobody cares. But the truth is, I have still been feeling these things ever since earlier in 2015. I also sacrificed being social for her, so I really don't have many friends anymore, and because I am out of college and I don't like things that most other people like (alcohol, sports, etc), I feel like it would be extremely hard for me to make friends and meet other girls. But at the same time, I feel like if I were to leave, I would gain a significant amount of independence, self-reliance, and self-appreciation back. But I don't know.

 

Overall, I have felt extremely distant from her, like she doesn't care, and that I am not a priority to her at all. There are a lot of other things that have been making me feel like this, some even worse than the information I gave, but I don't want to say them just in the fear that her or one of her friends happens to stumble across this.

 

I want to spend time with her, I want to watch things with her, I want to play things with her, I want to go places with her, and I want to talk with her, and I want our sex to be meaningful once again because it has become quick and meaningless. But I just have felt like I am no longer a significant part of her life, and am no longer important or of a priority to her.

 

So what do you guys think I should do? Maybe this is a phase and I should stick through it? Maybe I should try to see if things are better by June and if not move out and end the relationship? Or should I try to find a better job out of town and if I get it, move out right then and there and end it right there?

 

I just want opinions on this, because it has been hurting me very much.

[Giggle]

You've already talked to her about it and she doesn't really care. That sucks. But it doesn't sound fixable.

[Nilfiry]

It could be a phase where she is very relaxed and comfortable with you, so she does whatever she want. The initial excitement and butterflies have all gone away, so she is not as invested in doing so many things together anymore. Maybe she is even busy or nervous about marriage commitments.

 

Of course, it could also mean she lost interest entirely. It is time to bring up the reality talk to your fiancee. Communication is very important in relationships. What you should do is express these thoughts and feelings to your fiancee and see what is going on. Try a few times even if she does not respond initially.

[Veniz]

It could be a phase where she is very relaxed and comfortable with you, so she does whatever she want. The initial excitement and butterflies have all gone away, so she is not as invested in doing so many things together anymore. Maybe she is even busy or nervous about marriage commitments.

 

Of course, it could also mean she lost interest entirely. It is time to bring up the reality talk to your fiancee. Communication is very important in relationships. What you should do is express these thoughts and feelings to your fiancee and see what is going on. Try a few times even if she does not respond initially.

 

If it helps at all, my friends have noticed her being distant to me, and even when her parents come over, she doesn't focus on them and it is if she doesn't even know they are there.

[Satu]

No relationship is older than a day.

 

They have to be refreshed and re-invested in every day. They need a daily injection of love and commitment.

 

When they don't get refreshed and re-invested in, they starve and wither away.

 

From what you say, it seems that your girlfriend is not investing.

 

If that doesn't change, marriage would be a big mistake.

 

 

Take care.

[VeveCakes]

I couldn't handle the phone thing. She is putting that a higher priority than your connection. How about an ultimatum? More connection time or break up.

[Nilfiry]

If it helps at all, my friends have noticed her being distant to me, and even when her parents come over, she doesn't focus on them and it is if she doesn't even know they are there.

 

To be honest, I think your relationship is like ashes in the wind. You should probably bring up the break up talk. At least that will let you know how she feels. If she no longer has any motivation to do anything with you, then no matter how much you want to do something, it will not work out. I think you have done everything you can already.

[Satu]

To be honest, I think your relationship is like ashes in the wind. You should probably bring up the break up talk. At least that will let you know how she feels. If she no longer has any motivation to do anything with you, then no matter how much you want to do something, it will not work out. I think you have done everything you can already.

 

I think you're right.

[Veniz]

To be honest, I think your relationship is like ashes in the wind. You should probably bring up the break up talk. At least that will let you know how she feels. If she no longer has any motivation to do anything with you, then no matter how much you want to do something, it will not work out. I think you have done everything you can already.

 

I will also mention that when I did talk to her about how I feel, and told her that I feel like she doesn't care, isn't interested, etc that she responded with "If that is how you feel, then just leave. Your name isn't on the lease anyway. But I do love you, and I do care."

[basil67]

This relationships sounds dead in the water. Sorry mate, but I'd move out and on if I were you.

[Veniz]

This relationships sounds dead in the water. Sorry mate, but I'd move out and on if I were you.

 

I just want to try to fix it before giving up entirely.

[basil67]

I just want to try to fix it before giving up entirely.

 

It takes both of you to fix this and a lot of work. If she isn't responsive to your concerns, there's nothing you can do. Hence suggesting it's dead.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just want to try to fix it before giving up entirely.

 

You can't fix it alone. It doesn't sound as though she's interested in trying either. You could approach her one more time, but honestly, I think she's already gone. She's waiting for you to pull the plug.

[devilish innocent]

I think your idea of asking her to spend time once a week is a good one. As a couple, you have to keep finding hobbies that you can do together so you don't grow apart. If she's not willing to offer that, she shouldn't be in a relationship that's heading toward marriage. Even if it's a phase she grows out of, what's to say she'll grow out of the next you go through. Since you're talking about engagements and lifetime commitments, you need somebody who you know will put in the effort to keep things going. I hope she comes around. Good luck!

[Greene0Kelly]

She's waiting for you to pull the plug.

 

This is what I'm thinking too. I'm sorry.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Man I hate to be the person who says this, but I wouldn't be surprised if she has a Sancho somewhere on the side. Even if its not sexual, her checking out could very well be a result of her developing feelings for another man.

 

Also there is the 5 year hardships that come up. Very typical in relationships. This was the first thing that stood out to me as your opening statement shows 5 years together. Before reading anything else after your second paragraph I thought to myself "5th year".... Could be temporary.

 

I also suggest a break. 2 years engagement shows there is no rush to actually walk the isle for either of you. So why not take a break. See where your hearts are at in all this?

[KissKattBar]

I will also mention that when I did talk to her about how I feel, and told her that I feel like she doesn't care, isn't interested, etc that she responded with "If that is how you feel, then just leave. Your name isn't on the lease anyway. But I do love you, and I do care."

 

Love is an action. She can say it, but you need to feel it in her actions.

A few things that just come to mind when thinking of ways to try to mend the relationship rather than end it:

1. They say each person is a combination of the 5 people they spend the most time with. If your interests have changed, change them back or find something new to bond over. Take an interest in something she likes - though it sounds like she's on her phone 24/7 which is very unhealthy.

2. You can learn a lot about someone and how to handle certain situations through the Myers-Briggs personality test. Find out what her personality type is. Sometimes introverts, for example, need to "recharge" after a long day by being left alone for a little while. Something online might help you determine what she's going through and how to help her.

3. If she truly seems so disinterested in the relationship, then yes, you need to have a(nother) serious conversion with her. Ask her why she wants to marry you, why she loves you, and how she intends to show her love on a daily basis.

 

I hope things work out for the best. Good luck!

[kztar]

Man it sounds like she's checked out of the relationship. Bring the break up talk and see her reaction. If she doesn't care. You already know your answer. Sometimes we want to fix things but in order to fix it, the other party has to want the same outcome. Otherwise MOVE ON.

[Veniz]

So after getting some opinions from you guys the first few days after posting, I tried to spend some time with and have a serious talk with her.

 

We ended up deciding to take some time away from each other. Consider each other single, and if anything happened with anyone else, not to have regrets. (Of course nothing happened but the option was there)

 

We spent approximately a month away from each other, and came to the conclusion that we will be separating. Neither of us feel the same way for each other as we used to. We've both lost interest in trying to spend time with each other and be with each other.

 

Honestly, I haven't been as sad about this outcome as I thought I would. I feel like it is a chance for me to take time to better myself. There are a lot of things that I want to improve. I also view this as a chance to possibly go on dates and figure out what exactly I like/dislike in a partner.

 

These last several years have been a learning experience. I know it is going to be hard to get my mind off of the separation, but I feel like it will be for the better.

[Els]

If she doesn't acknowledge there's an issue and isn't interested in working on it, this doesn't sound salvageable. It's not just a problem of needing to find similar hobbies, she isn't interested at all in spending ANY time with you or doing ANYthing with you, and that is a huge red flag. It sounds to me like she has already checked out of your R and is just waiting for you to do the same.

 

Edit: Whoops, just read your update. Glad you broke things off and that you're doing okay!