Really want to fix things with my husband...

[howtomoveon]

I will summarize the back story: my husband had been lying to me about smoking and porn and told me he didn't want kids after we had been trying.

I found out soon after that I was pregnant and in between the fighting, hormones, and anxiety, asked him for a divorce and terminated my pregnancy (mutual decision, but I am having a lot of guilty feelings about it).

 

He apologized for turning my life upside down and left, and a couple of weeks later asked to talk. I told him I wanted to work on fixing our marriage and I took responsibility and apologized for my part.

 

He said he wasn't sure and after a couple more weeks he told me he cannot be married right now, that he loves me but cannot go back to the way things were. He also told me a few things he was unhappy with (my lack of support with him getting a new job, namely), and said he felt things went only my way and he felt stifled. He also said he felt so much pain because of our marriage. He said he wants us to work on being friends. I asked him what this meant (separation or divorce), and he wouldn't answer me, then he said divorce. I panicked and said well, why do you want to be friends? It will be too painful. And he said he still loved me and cared about me and wanted us to get to know each other again, and maybe after a while we can all move to California (this was a plan/dream we had). I said then why get divorced, instead of staying separated a few more months? He said okay, let's try that.

 

That is where we stand now. I don't know how to read him. I think he's incredibly hurt at everything that's happened. He told me he was in pain every day because of what happened and that this marriage broke him. But he also says things like this marriage left him a shell of who he was. I have apologized for my part and expressed clearly that I want to save our marriage and honor my vows. I feel like he could go either way.

 

I'm having severe anxiety attacks and don't know how to act. At the same time I found out that I'll be losing my job in a couple of months. I have only had one job for 18 years and this is extremely stressful. He now texts me here and there to see how I'm doing and make small talk. I have not initiated and not sure if I should, if we are to establish a friendship? I'm not even sure what that means or how to do it, but gosh I am sure willing to try.

 

We clearly had problems communicating and that led to his acting out, which I had no idea that was the reason. So not knowing why, I thought he was just being a jerk and that's why I kicked him out. I regret all of it and feel I need to make amends. I have already told him how I feel, apologized and told him I was all-in to work on our marriage. He said he could not commit to anyone on that level right now. I said "Never?" and he said "I didn't say ever, but not right now".

 

Another issue is he is passive aggressive and doesn't always tell me how he's feeling so for all I know he is truly done and just giving me this friends line to soften the blow (maybe for himself too). He tends to say the kindest thing even if it's not true, to avoid confrontation/prevent pain. But then he says things like we can move together down the line. He also texted me the other day to say how much he missed me and eventually it turned into some serious sexting/facetime session.

 

I am not in a good place. I know there is no use in begging and my only chance is to go along with this "friend" idea or go no-contact and hope for a miracle. I feel pathetic. I started individual therapy and am also planning on starting some sort of medication because the anxiety is too much at times. I do yoga daily; if I don't, I get anxiety attacks and cannot breathe. I love and miss him so much. I don't want to give up on our marriage without even trying one time to fix it, but I realize it's not fully up to me. Or is it? Any advice on what I can do to work this friendship? Or should I realize that he's done and accept that a divorce is inevitable?

[TaraMaiden2]

You haven't mentioned any form or marriage or relationships counselling.....

Is it something you'd (both) consider?

 

Is he actually diagnosed as a passive-aggressive or is it just your description of him?

[howtomoveon]

You haven't mentioned any form or marriage or relationships counselling.....

Is it something you'd (both) consider?

 

Is he actually diagnosed as a passive-aggressive or is it just your description of him?

 

He does not believe in counseling and has told me so before. I was urging him to go to IC before we separated and he reluctantly made an appointment, but when we met up again he said he definitely did not want to go to counseling or take meds. Being friends and getting to know one another again is his response to what's happening, and I'm afraid that's not that encouraging to our marriage.

 

He is not diagnosed passive-aggressive, but that is the way I/his family interpret his behavior. He is also a pleaser and for the entire time I've known him, he has gone along with what I want to do and is overall very agreeable to my needs; it wasn't until after the blowup that he admitted he was acting out because he was unhappy and because I didn't listen to his subtle requests to do things differently (go on more date nights, support him in changing jobs, not give him a hard time about socializing with coworkers). These are acceptable things I wish I had caught, but didn't. However now that I know this about him, I feel like things could be better since I now know his style when something is important to him.

 

Thank you so much for your input. I'm coming undone here.

[TaraMaiden2]

It sounds like both of you are hopping from one foot to the other.

It also sounds as if he has made the decision, but doesn't want to do the 'leg-work'. In other words, he wants to have his cake, and eat it too.

 

All this talk about "I want us to be friends" is exactly the kind of talk a dumper talks, when they want to sever ties with their ex, and rid themselves of the burden of commitment and responsibility, but they want to maintain a level of contact which keeps THEM comfortable.

 

If the dumped ex- agrees to friendship then the burden of guilt on the dumper is not so great. I mean, if 'you' stay buddies, then the dumper must have been forgiven, right?

 

I hate to say it - and truly, I do - but I think he's waiting for you to be the decisive one.

This is yet again, a blatant demonstration of his passive-aggressive attitude.

 

"I want a divorce, this isn't working" (aggressive side).

"Let's stay friends " and then does nothing to move things forward (Passive side).

 

The only way I can see to move this forward, one way or the other, is to tret this ecxactly like a broken relationship, initiate the legl mechanics then fall off his radar.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature.

Apart from the fact that this is a legal bond that requires a legal resolution to terminate it, he's behaving exactly like an indecisive dumper who wants the best of both worlds.

 

And I'm afraid it's going to have to probably fall to you, to create a definitive act of separation.

 

Then see what he does, when the divorce papers land on his doormat....

[howtomoveon]

It sounds like both of you are hopping from one foot to the other.

It also sounds as if he has made the decision, but doesn't want to do the 'leg-work'. In other words, he wants to have his cake, and eat it too.

 

All this talk about "I want us to be friends" is exactly the kind of talk a dumper talks, when they want to sever ties with their ex, and rid themselves of the burden of commitment and responsibility, but they want to maintain a level of contact which keeps THEM comfortable.

 

If the dumped ex- agrees to friendship then the burden of guilt on the dumper is not so great. I mean, if 'you' stay buddies, then the dumper must have been forgiven, right?

 

I hate to say it - and truly, I do - but I think he's waiting for you to be the decisive one.

This is yet again, a blatant demonstration of his passive-aggressive attitude.

 

"I want a divorce, this isn't working" (aggressive side).

"Let's stay friends " and then does nothing to move things forward (Passive side).

 

The only way I can see to move this forward, one way or the other, is to tret this ecxactly like a broken relationship, initiate the legl mechanics then fall off his radar.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature.

Apart from the fact that this is a legal bond that requires a legal resolution to terminate it, he's behaving exactly like an indecisive dumper who wants the best of both worlds.

 

And I'm afraid it's going to have to probably fall to you, to create a definitive act of separation.

 

Then see what he does, when the divorce papers land on his doormat....

 

Do you think it's the same thing even though I was the one who initiated the separation and kicked him out? He was blindsided and very hurt that I did that. He never once threatened to leave our marriage. Also, although he was supportive of the decision to terminate when we previously discussed it, once I asked him for the divorce I didn't tell him when I went, I just did. Later he said he did ask me to keep it but he gave up asking because I seemed determined not to. I feel awful.

 

These are the reasons why I feel I need to accept his conditions (breadcrumbs?). He's not going to take me back now just like that because I changed my mind right? Is that why he said: "I'm not ready to be married right now but I never said never, that's why I want to be friends". I broke his trust and he's way too proud. And maybe he will never forgive me. But he did say he wanted us to get to know one another again. The problem is I don't know what this means. Should I be trying to act friendly with him? He is usually the initiator and I don't know how to act.

 

Maybe I'm just in denial because I feel at fault and I am not ready to give up on our marriage. Maybe I need these beatings in order to forgive myself.

[howtomoveon]

Perhaps what I need to do is ask to meet and ask him straight out how he wants to handle this "friendship" and if he sees the end goal as a reconciliation. Is this getting to know one another, dating each other, having fun, talking about dreams and hopes (things he said). Or is it just being buddies while we move on with our lives to alleviate his guilt?

 

I know he still loves me and I him. I wish I was more patient. I wish he could forgive me.

[Beechy1973]

Hi

 

You never mention much your husband's reaction to your termination.

 

Is this something he / you find difficult to discuss?

 

Seems a biggee that will have left its mark, and maybe needs further discussion with him to try and resolve.

 

Beechy

[howtomoveon]

Hi

 

You never mention much your husband's reaction to your termination.

 

Is this something he / you find difficult to discuss?

 

Seems a biggee that will have left its mark, and maybe needs further discussion with him to try and resolve.

 

Beechy

 

We were trying for a baby about three months. I was very stressed out about not conceiving, and wanted to make sure we timed intercourse right, etc. He felt very pressured and did not comply. At the time I thought it was because of him choosing porn over me, but later I found out that was not the case.

One day after much stress he told me that he didn't think we should be trying for a baby and that maybe kids were not for him. The next day, I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated and asked him about termination. At the same time we were arguing about aforementioned porn issue and his lack of honesty about the situation. He said he didn't want one but since one was already on the way, he would be there for it but also support me if I wanted to terminate. I said I just didn't know if it was a good idea to add the stress of a child to an already stressful marriage and on top of it with a father who has realized he doesn't want any more children (I have a child from a prev rel. he is very good with).

It was all up in the air for a few days but time was of the essence so when he lied to me again, I asked him for a divorce, and he moved out. He asked me about the baby and I said "not a good idea". And I terminated. It broke my heart, I want a baby with all my heart and I will never ever ever terminate again. It was awful and I feel horrible, guilty, etc.

 

We have spoken briefly about it, and he said he didn't really want to talk about it because it was so awful to him. But that he went along with what I wanted because I seemed determined. He reiterated he would have been there for the baby.

 

This is for me, the biggest issue. I hate myself for it even though at the time I felt it was the right thing to do.