New affair going fast scared of getting hurt

[laceyone123]

Kinda new to the site but I need somewhere to vent. I can't talk to my friends about this because i am married. I have started a new affair with someone i met online. We get along so well its been 2 months and we have so much in common.

We talk for hours and he texts me daily good mornings good nights and pics etc.

 

When we have sex it is very intense lots of kissing, and hand holding. He tells me he thinks of me day and night very passionately. He is very dominate as well and that is a huge turn on for me. Then he wants to cuddle long amounts of time and talk after sex. I crave this so I have a hard time trying to control it. I am starting to have feelings.

 

We both say we feel chemistry and its strong. He says he doesn't want to get hurt by me and I understand. Is it possible this is an act on his part and he is just into this for sex? He is also in a relationship that is not going well both of us are in our current relationships for the kids.

 

Not sure if there is even an answer but I feel the need to talk about this and clear my head a little.

[BuddyX]

I wish I could give credit to this person, but I forgot who it was.

 

"A general note to everyone in an affair. Don't risk anything you're not okay losing. If that's a 20 years marriage that you don't want to lose, stop the affair. You can't blame the other person for not managing your risks."

 

"your pain does not compare to the pain of a completely blindsided, unconditional love, best friend kind of betrayed spouse....I don't say this lightly."

[basil67]

The risk of getting hurt is extraordinarily high in an affair. If you can't cope with getting hurt, don't take the risk.

[OneLov]

Kinda new to the site but I need somewhere to vent. I can't talk to my friends about this because i am married. I have started a new affair with someone i met online. We get along so well its been 2 months and we have so much in common.

We talk for hours and he texts me daily good mornings good nights and pics etc.

 

When we have sex it is very intense lots of kissing, and hand holding. He tells me he thinks of me day and night very passionately. He is very dominate as well and that is a huge turn on for me. Then he wants to cuddle long amounts of time and talk after sex. I crave this so I have a hard time trying to control it. I am starting to have feelings.

 

We both say we feel chemistry and its strong. He says he doesn't want to get hurt by me and I understand. Is it possible this is an act on his part and he is just into this for sex? He is also in a relationship that is not going well both of us are in our current relationships for the kids.

 

Not sure if there is even an answer but I feel the need to talk about this and clear my head a little.

 

Unless both of you are ready to leave your primary relationships on your own accord (not for each other), you will experience immeasurable, earth-shattering pain. I'm not trying to scare you. But one day he or you will disappear because your partners find out. He will treat you as if you are nothing, even beneath his contempt. You will experience the worst form of betrayal imaginable -- abandonment.

 

This will f*ck with your head so bad, you will question everything you thought to be true about human beings in general. Then you will be left cold with an emptiness that seems like it can never be filled. You will be broken and feel so utterly alone. The opposite of love is indifference. The worst part -- nobody will give a damn about you, in fact, most will be content to see you suffer. Stop before you break your own heart.

 

OL

[OneLov]

I have started a newaffair with someone i met online.

 

Just to clarify, is this not your first experience with infidelity? Using the word "new" in this context implies a previous or concurrent affair. Or were you using the word to mean that you recently began an(other) affair? Sorry not trying to be a smart ass, I'm only trying to understand your situation better. If you have been involved in an affair before, may I ask how it ended?

[imperfectangel]

All I have to say is this. Get out now

[Mayday2016]

You can't negate getting hurt when it comes to an affair. 99.9% of the time it ends in heartbreak and tears for more than one person.

[privategal]

AP's say ANYTHING to get the sex and intensity they want.

I hope you are using protection.

Unfortunately theres no protecting your heart as your eating up every line. Seriously? I think about you day and night? Classic.

[burnt]

He says he doesn't want to get hurt by me and I understand. Is it possible this is an act on his part and he is just into this for sex? He is also in a relationship that is not going well both of us are in our current relationships for the kids.

 

The above in bold sounds unusual to me.

It is not the man who usually says that.

Can you ask him what he means by that?

 

But in any case, what OneLov said above is as accurate as it gets.

If you two fall into that 0.1% of the population that seriously end their primary relationships, then have that talk and proceed accordingly.

Otherwise, for each hour you continue the affair only adds another 100 hours of indescribable pain down the road.

[privategal]

I don't want to get hurt by you= Im building in an excuse early on so when I drop you later I can say I told you I was afraid to get hurt.

He's adding some early red flags to build up his "I'm not a bad guy" later.

[laceyone123]

Even though it is hard to read the comments I know this is all true. I am just not happy right now and looking for an outlet. Its been so long since i have heard nice compliments etc that I guess I am an easy target and i fell for this guy a little.

reading the comments has made me think a little more clear today. I really need to decide what to do about my failing marriage, and get myself together before moving on.

I was just lonely looking for someone to treat me nicely, and feel like a woman again. I know it sounds crazy but i don't have this with my husband anymore. I guess I am just in a bad place. I don't know when i will be able to experience happiness again the right way. Sometimes I think I was not meant to be happy in a relationship it seems like things are going end this way for me if i stay with my current husband.

[Lady2163]

You might be experiencing the affair fog. It can be a wonderful ride, it's the crash at the end that can be harmful.

 

I'd encourage you to take a good look at your marriage and decide if you want to try and fix it or if it is time to truly think of divorce.

 

I was miserable in my marriage. I had a five year plan to get out of it. Then he left me. When he came back the next day and told me that things would change or he wasn't coming back, I had a moment where I could have sucked it up and gone along with his "plan". It would have given me five more years of education, five more years of equity. I would have been more marketable in my career and financially more stable.

 

I threw in the towel. I did have to struggle for four years, but in the last 17 years I've come a long way.

 

Good luck.

[laceyone123]

a "New affair," you say... you have got to be joking, right?

 

 

i really feel for your husband.

 

Yes its new for me I have not gone this far in a relationship outside of my marriage before. Its hard to give all the details here on the site but my husband is not innocent at all. I have stood by him for almost 19 years and he has done whatever he wanted. I don't even think he is paying attention to me right now but i decided to try to do something for myself after all these years.

I only wanted to express some feelings here and not be judged. Its always more to the story. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right. I know what i need to do to make things right its just hard to get there.

[privategal]

Even though it is hard to read the comments I know this is all true. I am just not happy right now and looking for an outlet. Its been so long since i have heard nice compliments etc that I guess I am an easy target and i fell for this guy a little.

reading the comments has made me think a little more clear today. I really need to decide what to do about my failing marriage, and get myself together before moving on.

I was just lonely looking for someone to treat me nicely, and feel like a woman again. I know it sounds crazy but i don't have this with my husband anymore. I guess I am just in a bad place. I don't know when i will be able to experience happiness again the right way. Sometimes I think I was not meant to be happy in a relationship it seems like things are going end this way for me if i stay with my current husband.

 

I understand alot of what you feel here. No judgement but take it as a few great one night stands and end it because we can ALL promise you here the trouble in your marriage...you will be begging for only just those problems back. The pain from this in the end will trump any pain you have ever experienced and Id just say just go now.

You got a taste, a fix, an ego stroke...it wont last, it wont end nicely...theres not one good outcome so stop now. Please read more stories they will break your heart...and it will be you.

[laceyone123]

I understand alot of what you feel here. No judgement but take it as a few great one night stands and end it because we can ALL promise you here the trouble in your marriage...you will be begging for only just those problems back. The pain from this in the end will trump any pain you have ever experienced and Id just say just go now.

You got a taste, a fix, an ego stroke...it wont last, it wont end nicely...theres not one good outcome so stop now. Please read more stories they will break your heart...and it will be you.

 

Thanks for sharing that. I always wonder if other women experience this. After trying to work at my marriage for so many years I feel very empty. I didn't even look at myself like a woman anymore until a few months ago. People I don't even know well stop me now at work to say wow you look good or wow you seem very happy lately. They don't know what I am doing but they see a difference in my personality. I guess I am just really dreading the decisions I need to make very soon.

[Doublegold]

Sorry for the aside but 'Artie Lang' I know the real Artie Lang, he is a neighbor and when you post your views I always laugh and wonder--where are you coming from dude? Just asking.

[laceyone123]

no judgement, whatsoever. i'm only going by what you write here. i read your previous threads, that's why i posted what i did.

 

 

correct me if i'm wrong, but is this the same person that you refer to in your previous threads... or is this someone completely different? do you see where i'm going with this, now?

 

Yes it is the same person and I guess when I say new its only been a few months that things have started going in the serious direction. Its still very new for me and he travels a lot so we did take a small break while he was on tour. So I see what you are saying now. I didn't explain very well.

I am reading a lot of the stories out here and i see the pain they are experiencing.

Edited January 20, 2016 by laceyone123

[Sassy Girl]

Kinda new to the site but I need somewhere to vent. I can't talk to my friends about this because i am married. I have started a new affair with someone i met online. We get along so well its been 2 months and we have so much in common.

We talk for hours and he texts me daily good mornings good nights and pics etc.

 

When we have sex it is very intense lots of kissing, and hand holding. He tells me he thinks of me day and night very passionately. He is very dominate as well and that is a huge turn on for me. Then he wants to cuddle long amounts of time and talk after sex. I crave this so I have a hard time trying to control it. I am starting to have feelings.

 

We both say we feel chemistry and its strong. He says he doesn't want to get hurt by me and I understand. Is it possible this is an act on his part and he is just into this for sex? He is also in a relationship that is not going well both of us are in our current relationships for the kids.

 

Not sure if there is even an answer but I feel the need to talk about this and clear my head a little.

 

So I read your past threads.

 

Put simply, you are not cut out for affairs. You have been in a monogamous relationship for 19 years. You are not wired for casual flings. After 2 months you're catching feelings and investing heavily. You are on a one way road to heartbreak.

 

You said in October that everything felt sex related. What has changed since then? There one way to test whether it's all about the sex - stop having it. You'll soon get your answer.

[anika99]

Yes its new for me I have not gone this far in a relationship outside of my marriage before. Its hard to give all the details here on the site but my husband is not innocent at all. I have stood by him for almost 19 years and he has done whatever he wanted. I don't even think he is paying attention to me right now but i decided to try to do something for myself after all these years.

I only wanted to express some feelings here and not be judged. Its always more to the story. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right. I know what i need to do to make things right its just hard to get there.

 

So why stay married then? If your husband is so awful then get divorced.

[ShatteredLady]

So...this is the celebrity security guy who goes on tour, parties, doesn't contact you?

 

You sound like such a desperately sad lady. Please do the right thing. Is your husband worth one more try or not? Something MUST change in your life.

 

This guy isn't the answer. I know after 19 years with kids it's TERRIFYING to even imagine being out there alone....or is it? Really start to picture it. You seem paralyzed by misery & resentment.

 

What can you do to change your life? Education? Career?

 

Whatever you do please STOP looking for a man to rescue you from your depression. CHANGE SOMETHING.

[laceyone123]

So I read your past threads.

 

Put simply, you are not cut out for affairs. You have been in a monogamous relationship for 19 years. You are not wired for casual flings. After 2 months you're catching feelings and investing heavily. You are on a one way road to heartbreak.

 

You said in October that everything felt sex related. What has changed since then? There one way to test whether it's all about the sex - stop having it. You'll soon get your answer.

 

I think you are probably right. So last night I decided that I am going to take a step back and evaluate things. Not that I feel guilty I just think that it is best to get myself together mentally before I go any further.

[laceyone123]

So why stay married then? If your husband is so awful then get divorced.

 

Before I was in this situation I would have responded exactly the way you just did. To be honest after 19 years and 3 kids a divorce is about more than me. I think that I feel bad for my kids. It is hard for me to think about my own happiness I am always doing something for someone else in my family.

Now I have been weak for the last few months I know by having an affair but it made me happy for a little while even if it was temporary.

Thats why I am here I guess its a little wake up call for me to get my life together.

[laceyone123]

So...this is the celebrity security guy who goes on tour, parties, doesn't contact you?

 

You sound like such a desperately sad lady. Please do the right thing. Is your husband worth one more try or not? Something MUST change in your life.

 

This guy isn't the answer. I know after 19 years with kids it's TERRIFYING to even imagine being out there alone....or is it? Really start to picture it. You seem paralyzed by misery & resentment.

 

What can you do to change your life? Education? Career?

 

Whatever you do please STOP looking for a man to rescue you from your depression. CHANGE SOMETHING.

 

At the moment it really felt like the guy was the answer. I know its not but being alone for me is scary that is my problem.

My finances will be fine, and I have my Career in place. Its the starting over that is really scary.

[Popsicle]

End it before he does.

[renny]

Thanks for sharing that. I always wonder if other women experience this. After trying to work at my marriage for so many years I feel very empty. I didn't even look at myself like a woman anymore until a few months ago. People I don't even know well stop me now at work to say wow you look good or wow you seem very happy lately. They don't know what I am doing but they see a difference in my personality. I guess I am just really dreading the decisions I need to make very soon.

 

Just do the right thing and leave the marriage. It's pretty clear that emotionally you've already checked out. If you don't have the heart to admit to the hubby why you really want out and what your doing behind his back, then just say your not satisfied, not happy and splitting is what you need.