Dating a (much) younger girl

[AMJ]

Am I right in worrying for her safety?

 

Yes, she's in serious danger. You should fly to her now, to protect her from her boyfriend.

[yxalitis]

Well ... your heart's in the right place for worrying about that. But you really need to stop making decisions or going deeply into discussing situations based on what she is telling you.

 

Really, go read the cheating or the OW/OM forum. You might find one in about 20, or even fewer posts where the cheater is telling either their partner OR the one on the side the real story.

 

Honestly no matter how old she is, she has given you enough 100% solid information about how she functions in her life that you really should STOP listening to anything that she says, and just sit back and see what she does.

Yeah, I have slowly gotten my head around all the feedback here, and thinking deeply.

She wants her BF, 100% that's her primary focus.

BUT

She doesn't want to leave Melbourne, her business.

She's sick of him being OS

 

So, partly out of sexual frustration, and partly out of a desire to test other waters, she jumped on me.

Now she's confused, but still adamant she wants her BF.

Despite his career, she wants him to just come and live in Melbourne.

 

I won't go as far as to say she used me to push him (She could have just put up a fuss about it all on her own), but she thinks (I guess) that without him here, she'll stray again, so better he's here.

 

Also I don't think it's appropriate for you to arrange a home for her when she comes back. She's a grown woman. She has friends and a business partner (and a boyfriend). That is not your role. Plus of course you'd have to at least put the deposit on it.

 

She can't see places from Vietnam, and she needs one very soon after she returns. I'm not spending a dime, she just wants me to see a couple of places to make sure they are OK.

[yxalitis]

Yes, she's in serious danger. You should fly to her now, to protect her from her boyfriend.

That was uncalled for, I'm talking about a potential physical threat.

How would you feel if she DID get assaulted?

[AMJ]

That was uncalled for, I'm talking about a potential physical threat.

How would you feel if she DID get assaulted?

 

Well I sense a little bit of a drama-loving nature on your part. And I'd like to think if you really were genuinely concerned about her safety, as her boyfriend, you'd try to do something about it, instead of send out this message to all of us. None of us can help her, but you can.

 

How would I personally feel if she got assaulted? I think the better question is how would YOU feel? You're the one she's cheating on her boyfriend with. And if he does beat her, won't you feel the littlest bit responsible?

 

Like a bunch of other people have said, you're honestly old enough to know better. And, how ironic that she needs you to find her a place to live? I thought she wasn't interested in you taking care of her financially. I'd say a place to live is probably the biggest and most basic way someone can provide financially for someone else. And it's only taken her a month to get you as involved as she needs you to be- I'd say she's quite skilled, and knows exactly what she's doing to both you and her boyfriend.

[yxalitis]

Well I sense a little bit of a drama-loving nature on your part. And I'd like to think if you really were genuinely concerned about her safety, as her boyfriend, you'd try to do something about it, instead of send out this message to all of us. None of us can help her, but you can.

 

How would I personally feel if she got assaulted? I think the better question is how would YOU feel? You're the one she's cheating on her boyfriend with. And if he does beat her, won't you feel the littlest bit responsible?

 

Like a bunch of other people have said, you're honestly old enough to know better. And, how ironic that she needs you to find her a place to live? I thought she wasn't interested in you taking care of her financially. I'd say a place to live is probably the biggest and most basic way someone can provide financially for someone else. And it's only taken her a month to get you as involved as she needs you to be- I'd say she's quite skilled, and knows exactly what she's doing to both you and her boyfriend.

Why do you think looking at a couple of flats to make sure they aren't disgusting means I'm "taking care of her financially"

She will deal with all that when she gets here, but wants a couple of options checked out first.

Sheesh

[AMJ]

Why do you think looking at a couple of flats to make sure they aren't disgusting means I'm "taking care of her financially"

She will deal with all that when she gets here, but wants a couple of options checked out first.

Sheesh

 

Because who asks a guy they've been ****ing for a few weeks to go find her an apartment?? That's the type of favor appropriate for maybe a six month relationship. But you're her on-the-side booty man. And she's got you looking for apartments for her? Come on.

[yxalitis]

Because who asks a guy they've been ****ing for a few weeks to go find her an apartment?? That's the type of favor appropriate for maybe a six month relationship. But you're her on-the-side booty man. And she's got you looking for apartments for her? Come on.

 

Actually I'm thinking of letting her move in with me for free while she waits for her boyfriend to come over.

Then I'll take the spare room and they can have mine...

[Aniela]

Actually I'm thinking of letting her move in with me for free while she waits for her boyfriend to come over.

Then I'll take the spare room and they can have mine...

 

You really wouldn't mind her living with her boyfriend, in your house, and them sleeping together in your room?

 

I've only just clicked onto the last page of the thread, and saw this. You do not want to have them both move in. Really. you need to be more careful.

[Qboro90]

I think you need to look at how you started his thread and described what you wanted/expected out of your relationship with her and perhaps even more importantly look at how long you have been involved with this girl.

 

Lets face it.. It's been a matter of weeks... Maybe a month? That you've been sleeping with her... And you started with saying "if it works out it works out, if not I'm not gonna be broken up over it." And "I'm not looking for anything 5 years down the line or long term, I don't expect that at all"

 

Clearly you have deep feelings for her and it's showing. But how well can you know someone after 1 month?

 

And look at how much drama is going on between the love triangle now between you her and her fiancée. That's a whole lot to start off knowing someone don't you think?

 

There's no way that even if she breaks up with her BF and stays in your area, that you two can have a healthy relationship. It's based off such a major dramatic saga regardless of how it ends.

 

I don't think she's playing you as other posters have suggested. However I don't think you should believe every word that comes out of her moth either. I think there's a strong chance she is adamant about him coming to see her so she can "tell him the secret" so that perhaps he changes his tune about making her move and leave her business. Perhaps he will give her the funds to start that business in a new country? Who knows what his finances are.

 

I think your best move is to let it play out without involving yourself. If you show up or call her while he's in town then you're the old man who's knows his girl for a month, acting like they're soulmates and you're there to protect her. Don't be that guy. She's not in danger. She's told people about his visit so there would be no way for him to get away with abusing her since there's motive and public knowledge of it. So don't make it sound like that's a high likelihood occurance where you need to step in.

 

Talk to her as regular but don't long term plan anything or insert yourself into telling her what to say/do with her fiancée. It needs to be her decision and hers alone.

 

Most of all... Start reminding yourself that this relationship you have with her is 99.5% likely to end no matter what happens. I sense you are letting yourself open your heart and hopes to the slim possibility that this girl and you have something magical and can make it work some how. Use your head here

[Snaggletooth]

That was uncalled for, I'm talking about a potential physical threat.

How would you feel if she DID get assaulted?

 

More importantly, how would you feel if she got assaulted?

 

If you're worried then fly there and protect her. Help her face any difficult situation you are also responsible for creating.

 

After all, you're man enough to be carrying on with an obviously messed up young girl half your age. Man enough to sleep with a girl that has a boyfriend. Man enough to worm tongue in her ear that he is no good and to get rid of him. Man enough to hide out of sight while she skypes him from the same room. This is all very noble, stoic, dignified, honourable, big man behaviour so far. Travelling to protect her shouldn't be a problem at all. A man like you, well, you don't want hiding out of sight like a coward and letting her face it on her own.

 

Even if you don't want go for her, maybe you should do it for yourself.

[Timshel]

My mind is telling me that it is too large an assumption that she is actually telling the truth, this time.

 

She says she is planning to tell her bf, this from the girl skyping him with another man in the room. Meh......unlikely. She is young but remarkably adept at telling men what they want to hear.

[yxalitis]

My mind is telling me that it is too large an assumption that she is actually telling the truth, this time.

 

She says she is planning to tell her bf, this from the girl skyping him with another man in the room. Meh......unlikely. She is young but remarkably adept at telling men what they want to hear.

We'll see I guess.

As I said, I've been with liars, and she is either a phenomenally good one, or she's not lying.

And...why lie?

Whether she tells him or not, the RESULTS are what matter.

What does she hope to gain by lying to me about telling him?

Whether she tells him or not is irrelevant, when she comes back to Melbourne it will be patently obvious if she's with him or not, and how that came about is, again, irrelevant.

Right, I mean, what's the point in lying about this as it does not predict the outcome of her relationship?

If she was trying to string me along, she'd be telling me she was going to break up with, then use delaying tactics to drag that out.

[Timshel]

Well....she has been lying to him, no? I understand that you think that your relationship is different...perhaps it is.

 

I wouldn't accuse you of being daft but smitten is dangerously close.

 

Time tells, she's currently 'complicated,' that usually ends up being loads of fun.

 

Also, it wouldn't hurt to hold off on the sugar and intimacy so that your complicity is minimized. Clear conscience and all that.

[joseb]

We'll see I guess.

As I said, I've been with liars, and she is either a phenomenally good one, or she's not lying.

 

That's an odd thing to say considering you have seen how easily and well she lies to her bf right in front of you.

 

Be wary taking what she says at face value.

[yxalitis]

That's an odd thing to say considering you have seen how easily and well she lies to her bf right in front of you.

 

Be wary taking what she says at face value.

Actually, I could tell how poorly she lied, being hesitant, using distracting tactics, and getting angry...all clear indicators.

[MidwestUSA]

Actually, I could tell how poorly she lied, being hesitant, using distracting tactics, and getting angry...all clear indicators.

 

 

But, you just said:

 

"As I said, I've been with liars, and she is either a phenomenally good one, or she's not lying.

And...why lie?"

 

[Timshel]

But, you just said:

 

"As I said, I've been with liars, and she is either a phenomenally good one, or she's not lying.

And...why lie?"

 

 

Give the guy a break Midcutie.....he's fuzzy right now. Dude is feeling fuzzy, like us'n are gonna talk him out of it?

 

Wrappers X......wear wrappers.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I really think you should just step aside, leave her alone, and see what happens. If she wants to be with you, she knows you are all in. She will come to you.

 

It seems like you are in denial that this girl has a character of her own. Her behavior indicates who she is. What she is telling you doesn't. The only way you are EVER going to know her for real is if you back off and just let her do her thing. You should NOT be participating in her relationship with her boyfriend like you are (because she wants it that way). It would be good if you removed yourself from that.

[yxalitis]

But, you just said:

 

"As I said, I've been with liars, and she is either a phenomenally good one, or she's not lying.

And...why lie?"

 

Wait, I don't get what you the two are not contrary.

I said if she's lying to me, she's so good that she gives me no clues at all, in other words, I don't think she is

Seeing her lying to her bf further reinforces this, as she's able to do so very well.

Get it?

[lana-banana]

I said if she's lying to me, she's so good that she gives me no clues at all, in other words, I don't think she is

Seeing her lying to her bf further reinforces this, as she's able to do so very well.

Get it?

 

But you just said:

 

Actually, I could tell how poorly she lied, being hesitant, using distracting tactics, and getting angry...all clear indicators.

 

I'm going to take an Advil and go back to bed until this makes sense.

[yxalitis]

But you just said:

 

 

 

I'm going to take an Advil and go back to bed until this makes sense.

Oh for Pet's sake, do I have to spend 6 posts explaining this minor point?

You guys are telling me I shouldn't just accept her words as she's probably lying.

I said IF she's lying, she's incredibly good at it because I know what a liar sounds like and how they act because of my experience

with Fey and her constant lying.

And when joseb said:

 

That's an odd thing to say considering you have seen how easily and well she lies to her bf right in front of you.

 

Be wary taking what she says at face value.

I told you all that in fact she DOESN'T easily lie, she's not good at lying to her boyfriend. All the hallmarks of the lair are there to read, hesitancy, misdirection, and anger when pushed.

 

So my comments are not contradictory, but reinforce each other...

[yxalitis]

We speak most nights for a long time, easily over an hour.

Last night as we chatted I started talking about her plans with her BF, because I’m trying to be realistic here, and get an expectation as to what’s going on.

 

As I have stated many times, my gut feeling is that she’ll stay with him, and I’ll simply move on.

She opened up and talked at length about it.

 

Yes, she still wants him.

She will tell him about us, confess to her sins: “I made a mistake, we all make mistakes, right”. (I didn’t point out the irony that she’s telling me this).

 

Then she will tell him she doesn’t want to leave Australia (As I guessed all along).

 

And most importantly, she’s going to assert her rights, she said “I don’t like to be controlled, he thinks he can tell me what to do, but I will let him know he can’t”

He has to come to Melbourne. She’s not going to relocate anywhere to stay with him.

 

He has to forgive her affair with me.

And she is going to move in with me as a flatmate while she finds her own place, and he has to accept that. “He can’t tell me what I do, where I stay” (We had talked about this idea before, but I thought she meant if she breaks up with him, not if they stay together!)

 

If he can’t accept any of that, they will break up.

 

I’ll let that sink in for a bit.

 

…

 

She tells me this, and I’m amazed.

 

She honestly thinks this guy will just accept all that.

If he does, he is seven types of stupid.

And if he doesn’t, well apparently I’ll be around for her.

 

Well, I won’t…

 

In this one conversation she revealed what a selfish brat she is, and how she uses men for her needs with no understanding or concern for how they feel.

[joseb]

Well, it was all sounding reasonable enough until the part where she moves in with you until she finds a place. Yeah, I'm sure the guy will be fine with that!

 

I live in Melbourne too. I've met a lot of seemingly sweet 20 something Asian Girls. most of them are less sweet once you dig a little.

[yxalitis]

Well, it was all sounding reasonable enough until the part where she moves in with you until she finds a place. Yeah, I'm sure the guy will be fine with that!

 

I live in Melbourne too. I've met a lot of seemingly sweet 20 something Asian Girls. most of them are less sweet once you dig a little.

 

 

The funny thing is, she wants to move in with me because she KNOWS we'll hook up.

All along she says one thing "OK, we just sleep, no sex" but then plays with me until I'm so horny we bonk.

 

She said once:

"You always start, I just want to sleep"

"But you play with me until I'm so horny"

"yeah, but only that..."

 

That's an actual conversation...

 

So what she wants (but won't directly say) is to stay with me for what I can offer her until her bf gets a visa to come to Melbourne, (assuming he is still around, which as I said: I can't imagine why he would).

 

Otherwise,l why not find her own place now?

She has friends in Melbourne to help her. That whole "help me find a place" was just a way to get the conversation around to "Oh it's just easier to stay with you and find my own place later"

 

But what's most frightening is she doesn't think he'll react strongly when she tells him about us.

I warned her: "some men lose control, he might hit you!"

"OK, Then I know he is not my boy, right"

 

She's playing a dangerous game.

Be a very interesting week, he arrives on the 17th.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Qboro90]

There's a huge hole in her plan regarding telling her BF about the affair between you two and then telling him he needs to move to Melbourne if he wants to be with her.... Oh, and by the way, she'll be living with you, the guy she's having the affair with , until her BF comes here.. What the F?!

 

How does she seriously think that will just be a "no big deal" thing to say/expect him to be cool with??

 

What did you say to her when she told you this? Did you ask her what she expects him to say/do after telling him she's gonna live with you? How does that make any sense? And even if that's her plan, why the hell would she tell him that?

 

She's telling you she still wants to make it work with her BF... How is moving in with you going to help that cause? And she says "he'll just have to come to terms with it, forgive me, and move here if he wants it to work".? This makes 0 sense.

 

Are you cool with letting her move in and live with you? What have you told her about that? And where was she living before? Why can't she just go back to living there upon her return?