Dating a (much) younger girl

[yxalitis]

There's a huge hole in her plan regarding telling her BF about the affair between you two and then telling him he needs to move to Melbourne if he wants to be with her.... Oh, and by the way, she'll be living with you, the guy she's having the affair with , until her BF comes here.. What the F?!

 

How does she seriously think that will just be a "no big deal" thing to say/expect him to be cool with??

 

What did you say to her when she told you this? Did you ask her what she expects him to say/do after telling him she's gonna live with you? How does that make any sense? And even if that's her plan, why the hell would she tell him that?

 

She's telling you she still wants to make it work with her BF... How is moving in with you going to help that cause? And she says "he'll just have to come to terms with it, forgive me, and move here if he wants it to work".? This makes 0 sense.

 

Are you cool with letting her move in and live with you? What have you told her about that? And where was she living before? Why can't she just go back to living there upon her return?

 

She moved out of a share place she hated, she lived in her shop for a fortnight before going to Vietnam, she planned to find a new place on her return (Why find a place and pay rent for a month you don't need it)

 

As for the "makes 0 sense" I totally agree.

I told her that her BF is not just going to accept that, and if he does, he's beyond help.

 

This is what I think...

If her BF agrees with these outrageous arrangements, he will be totally under her thumb.

She can still spend a few months with me, as she wants that too.

So for her, win win.

 

If her BF tells her to eff off, well, she'll just move onto me.

 

The thing is, I won't ever let myself trust her after that.

 

Yeah, maybe she can stay a month or two, I'm single and enjoy her company, so why not.

 

But I can't see us being a serious item...

 

The third option is that he agrees to come to Melbourne later, but tells her no way she can stay/see me. If she loves him as much as she says, she will accept this, no matter what she tells me.

 

I think she wants this. to prove his love.

 

Problem is, she's going to freely admit she's been with me, but thinks he will forgive her.

 

I told her that if he is only in love with her sexually, he will get angry, jealous, but won't leave her, he will probably try and have sex with her right away, to "claim her" as his own.

 

Whereas if he truly loves her, he will feel shattered, heartbroken, betrayed.

He will not want to stay with her, will cut off all communications, and go back to India.

Maybe he'll reach out in a few weeks or a month, but for sure he will want some space to think.

she said "Okay, we'll see"

Edited February 15, 2016 by yxalitis

[Qboro90]

She moved out of a share place she hated, she lived in her shop for a fortnight before going to Vietnam, she planned to find a new place on her return (Why find a place and pay rent for a month you don't need it)

 

As for the "makes 0 sense" I totally agree.

I told her that her BF is not just going to accept that, and if he does, he's beyond help.

 

This is what I think...

If her BF agrees with these outrageous arrangements, he will be totally under her thumb.

She can still spend a few months with me, as she wants that too.

So for her, win win.

 

If her BF tells her to eff off, well, she'll just move onto me.

 

The thing is, I won't ever let myself trust her after that.

 

Yeah, maybe she can stay a month or two, I'm single and enjoy her company, so why not.

 

But I can't see us being a serious item...

 

The third option is that he agrees to come to Melbourne later, but tells her no way she can stay/see me. If she loves him as much as she says, she will accept this, no matter what she tells me.

 

I think she wants this. to prove his love.

 

Problem is, she's going to freely admit she's been with me, but thinks he will forgive her.

 

I told her that if he is only in love with her sexually, he will get angry, jealous, but won't leave her, he will probably try and have sex with her right away, to "claim her" as his own.

 

Whereas if he truly loves her, he will feel shattered, heartbroken, betrayed.

He will not want to stay with her, will cut off all communications, and go back to India.

Maybe he'll reach out in a few weeks or a month, but for sure he will want some space to think.

she said "Okay, we'll see"

 

 

Another thing. She said she's gonna make it clear to him that "she doesn't want to be controlled and won't allow that". Well if she thought he was obsessive and controlling beforehand... Just wait until she tells him about the affair and she'll see how that changes things. I'm sure it will erase all his paranoia about her cheating on him and now when they FaceTime he will make her open the closet, look under he bed, and have the neighbor come over to make sure no one else is in the house. Lol..

 

This is doomed to fail. I agree that i think she's looking for him to prove himself to her by coming here. I don't know if she's going to tell him about the affair. That's not something she can prove to you. Can just as easily tell you that she told him and he was pissed but somehow forgave her and wants to make it work. Not like you can check with him.

[yxalitis]

Another thing. She said she's gonna make it clear to him that "she doesn't want to be controlled and won't allow that". Well if she thought he was obsessive and controlling beforehand... Just wait until she tells him about the affair and she'll see how that changes things. I'm sure it will erase all his paranoia about her cheating on him and now when they FaceTime he will make her open the closet, look under he bed, and have the neighbor come over to make sure no one else is in the house. Lol..

 

This is doomed to fail. I agree that i think she's looking for him to prove himself to her by coming here. I don't know if she's going to tell him about the affair. That's not something she can prove to you. Can just as easily tell you that she told him and he was pissed but somehow forgave her and wants to make it work. Not like you can check with him.

I 100% agree, and I told her exactly that about his obsessiveness meaning he will totally control her...if she lets him.

I also agree that yeah...she might not tell him...

I was kinda surprised she said that...again, trying to rationalize it...

Why lie?

It doesn't worry me if she tells him or not...all that matters is what she does, her actions when she returns.

If she moves in with me, and still video chats with him..I'll readily see. She can't expect to hide that.

If she doesn't, than again...makes no difference why, what she did or did not tell him.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Just fyi, I'm pretty confident she is NOT going to tell him about having sex or living with this other guy. That would be nutso. She's just telling you that.

 

She might use the existence of some other well-set-up older man who is ready to take care of her in Melbourne if he doesn't do it, to try to manipulate him. That's within the realm of reality but I still have NO clue why you believe what she tells you about her bf.

 

I SWEAR that my opinion of this girl has nothing to do with your age gap. This site is full of people who post all the red flags and then blithely go about ignoring them all and full of other people. Virtually no cheater is ever telling their mate OR the one on the side the truth about the other one, or the situation.

 

If her game (whatever it is, which you or we will never know) with the boyfriend doesn't play out the way she wants, she will be with you. She'll be working some other guy on the side who appears to offer more than you do. That's her style. Good luck but by now it's clear that you know all this and just want to remain in your fantasy.

[yxalitis]

Update.

I have a sneaking suspicion that her BF has already broken up with her.

She hasn’t told me directly, but there are hints, but I know her enough that she won’t simply tell me over the phone…it’s just the way she is…

So I think she’s pretending everything is OK with her bf…but really it isn’t.

Started late last week when she told him that she had something secret to tell him when he got to Ho Chi Min city, and that afterwards that may not be together. If he didn’t want to waste his time coming, she would tell him now. He decided to come anyway.

 

Then she told me a few days ago that “he isn’t calling me every day, hasn’t called for two days, and he ask me if it’s OK first.

I'm guessing he changed his mind, and asked her to tell him everything before he flies over..it must have been eating at him.

 

Yesterday she texted me that she had something “serious” to tell me, but then backed out claiming her mind is empty. (An expression she uses when she is stressed).

 

Then she asked how to get money back from the hotel she booked in Ho Chi Min city, as she is “doing something else” She claimed they got a better hotel…

 

Then she reaffirmed her arrangement with me when she comes back to stay “for a while” (Yes, she’s paying rent!), asked about car parking.

 

She was selling her car, and driving her BF’s car, but she said “Oh, I’m keeping my car, give his car back to a friend (of his)” She didn’t explain why.

 

But most importantly she totally ramped up her comms to me, the text messages and phone calls increased substantially (they were always frequent, no problem there), and when I mentioned

I was watching TV, she chimes in that she wants to watch them with me.

 

The doubters amongst you will tell me she’s lying, and that nothing is wrong with her and her BF…she’s feeding me false info…but WHY do that, and then turn around and tell em she is still seeing him..

 

Why leak information that suggest they have broken up (or at least on very rocky ground) but then tell me everything is OK with them?

 

I know her, and she would pretend they were together until she was “ready” to tell me…

Edited February 16, 2016 by yxalitis

[Timshel]

The long and short of it X....how bored are you to be engaged in this folly and complication? If she's lying or plain silly does it matter?

 

If this shenanigans intrigues you then, ya know.....by all means. Knock yourself out.

[yxalitis]

The long and short of it X....how bored are you to be engaged in this folly and complication? If she's lying or plain silly does it matter?

 

If this shenanigans intrigues you then, ya know.....by all means. Knock yourself out.

Funny enough, I'm enjoying this...

I am keeping an emotional detachment to her (trying to anyway, lol), but the time we spend together is amazing, and NO, I'm not talking about sex.

Look, we talk on the phone, and 90 minutes goes past.

We sit and share things for hours, laughing, talking, just enjoying each others company.

She DOESN'T do this with her (ex?)bf, in fact she's never experienced this sort of a relationship.

So, yeah, bring on dem shenanigans!

[joseb]

yxalitis, good luck with it all.

 

It does kinda sound like she has been dumped.

 

Have fun with it all. Just keep your eyes open with her.

 

And be careful, I'm sure you know the cohabiting laws here....

[yxalitis]

yxalitis, good luck with it all.

 

It does kinda sound like she has been dumped.

 

Have fun with it all. Just keep your eyes open with her.

 

And be careful, I'm sure you know the cohabiting laws here....

 

Yeah, two years...BOOM de facto

God, it used to be 6 months!

[joseb]

Yeah, two years...BOOM de facto

God, it used to be 6 months!

 

Well technically de-facto is effective pretty much immediately, but yeah, the relationship generally has to be 2 years for any financial entitlements, unless you get her knocked up or she becomes dependant on you

[Rejected Rosebud]

She was selling her car, and driving her BF’s car, but she said “Oh, I’m keeping my car, give his car back to a friend (of his)” She didn’t explain why.

 

How could she drive her boyfriend's car when they don't live in the same country? Where IS her car?

[William]

Due to this being the second time Moderation had to step in on this thread, it's our opinion that this thread has run it's course and will remain closed. Much appreciation to those that replied within guidelines. ~Thank you