Dating a (much) younger girl

[yxalitis]

Well xylitol it really does sound sketchy and unsavory all the way around. I understand that you are obsessed with this girl but ... I think she is a prostitute, to put it bluntly. That's the message I'm getting from all your posts. You're probably fine with that except then why are you going to such lengths?

 

What???!!

 

Oh please get a grip...this is ridiculous.

She's a hooker now?

 

That's probably the most stupid thing I've read on this forum...

 

You and Midwest have a very odd view of the world if your only conclusion is "This is sketchy"

and

"It's a scam"

[yxalitis]

We saw the Hong Kong girls and know what they were about.

 

AS in this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/541519-holy-hong-kong-girls-batman

Uhh, no, you were wrong, I had a wonderful relationship with Violet for months before the difficulties of a LDR, and other factors...led to our parting ways..

No scammers, organ harvesters, or kidnappers to be found...

 

So, NO you absofuc-kinglutley did NOT know what they were about...!

 

As long as you're okay with 'if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you', and it sounds like you are, then all is well.

No, that's not what I mean, I do not believe the malarkey around "once a cheater, always a cheater"

I mean I understand her situation because I have taken the time to get to know it, and her.

[Rejected Rosebud]

What???!!

 

Oh please get a grip...this is ridiculous.

She's a hooker now?

 

That's probably the most stupid thing I've read on this forum...

 

You and Midwest have a very odd view of the world if your only conclusion is "This is sketchy"

and

"It's a scam"

 

Well sorry but 1) a lot of the things you wrote really don't add up. And 2) the whole behavior with the boyfriend thing - really seems like something's up. Who acts that way? Skyping with the BF while side guy is in the room? Not normal behavior even for a cheater. Plus all the stuff about how "responsible" and "driven" she is only to tell us that she opened a business 2 weeks ago and is now leaving the country for months.

 

It doesn't add up to anything but a sad and dreary mess any way I look at it but whatevs, you're not a young guy and you know EXACTLY what you're getting into. Really low rent sounding but I guess you are having a blast so carry on!

[123321]

It's so cool how the hate just starts boiling out. Like it's on simmer, slow but inevitable.

[yxalitis]

Well sorry but 1) a lot of the things you wrote really don't add up. And 2) the whole behavior with the boyfriend thing - really seems like something's up. Who acts that way? Skyping with the BF while side guy is in the room? Not normal behavior even for a cheater. Plus all the stuff about how "responsible" and "driven" she is only to tell us that she opened a business 2 weeks ago and is now leaving the country for months.

 

It doesn't add up to anything but a sad and dreary mess any way I look at it but whatevs, you're not a young guy and you know EXACTLY what you're getting into. Really low rent sounding but I guess you are having a blast so carry on!

On the BF.

I believe she is unhappy with him, but for...reasons...is unwilling to admit this to herself...she stubbornly refuses to see that he is simply not compatible with her...

Her experience with serious, long term relationships is lacking, she struggles to give trust, to give love...

She is struggling with something surrounding this relationship...there is a reason she came to me, and stuck with me this whole time...but she desperately wants to TRY a LTR, even if she believes it won;t last...sounds stupid I know, but I DO see where she is coming from.

She has know this guy for 2 years, he pursued her for 4 months before she finally accepted him, and dated him for another 6 months before he left for India. They agreed on moving to New Zealand...some time later this year, but nothing definite or set.

As she put it to me...

"Maybe you're right, maybe I chose the wrong guy as my first partner, but what, I choose you I only know you really a few weeks. You think I should break up with him, and start all over again..."

"I need to try this, I need to see how it goes"

To me she feels trapped by circumstance, she finally feels love for a man, but has too little experience to know if it's enough to allow the relationship to survive, my telling her I doubt it, and why I doubt it are dismissed...

 

ON the business...

She's leaving the country for 26 days, the lease timing meant she had to open now, or lose the lease, so she chose to open now.

Her business partner will run the shop while she is overseas...Upon her return she will resume.

How long she stays after that IS in question...and this distresses her.

[yxalitis]

It's so cool how the hate just starts boiling out. Like it's on simmer, slow but inevitable.

I think HATE is a little extreme, there is no hate here...

[yxalitis]

Missed the edit timer...

She gets upset and frustrated when I point out his inane babble he takes for conversation, his focus on her body and sexual nature, our ability to spend days together in harmony and happiness...she's battling her inner demons here.

[RedRobin]

Obsessed is right. Man oh man what some guys will do and put with so that they can claim to be 'dating' someone young enough to be their kid.

 

It would funny if it weren't so sad.

[IronZ]

So she's cheating on her dude with you, and I guess you're cheating on your girl. And aside from her crying for a bit there's no shame here because you just keep doing it. No offense but you both sound like scumbags. Guess you deserve each other.

[yxalitis]

So she's cheating on her dude with you, and I guess you're cheating on your girl. And aside from her crying for a bit there's no shame here because you just keep doing it. No offense but you both sound like scumbags. Guess you deserve each other.

I don't have a girlfriend to cheat on...but whatever...

[yxalitis]

Obsessed is right. Man oh man what some guys will do and put with so that they can claim to be 'dating' someone young enough to be their kid.

 

It would funny if it weren't so sad.

 

Anyone under 33 is technically young enough to be my child...

 

And of course if you, while single, were pursued by a 20-something girl with a figure men would kill for, looks of a model, and a highlighted sex drive, you would just politely tell her to go away...

 

right....

[MidwestUSA]

Anyone under 33 is technically young enough to be my child...

 

And of course if you, while single, were pursued by a 20-something girl with a figure men would kill for, looks of a model, and a highlighted sex drive, you would just politely tell her to go away...

 

right....

 

What would red do with her?

 

Well, if she can cook and clean, I might snap her up.

[yxalitis]

What would red do with her?

 

Well, if she can cook and clean, I might snap her up.

Oh Red's a lady...oops should have checked...

[RedRobin]

Anyone under 33 is technically young enough to be my child...

 

And of course if you, while single, were pursued by a 20-something girl with a figure men would kill for, looks of a model, and a highlighted sex drive, you would just politely tell her to go away...

 

right....

 

Um, yea. I am a woman... And I've been pursued by my much younger colleagues and students plenty of times. Whoop de do. It doesn't go to my head.

 

No self respecting older man I know would be taken seriously if he showed up with a much younger thang.... Especially not one who cheats and has pretend businesses.... People like Donald Trump are jokes. Your insecurity and issues are showing... Much like his ridiculous comb over. Same thing.

[yxalitis]

Um, yea. I am a woman... And I've been pursued by my much younger colleagues and students plenty of times. Whoop de do. It doesn't go to my head.

 

No self respecting older man I know would be taken seriously if he showed up with a much younger thang.... Especially not one who cheats and has pretend businesses.... People like Donald Trump are jokes. Your insecurity and issues are showing... Much like his ridiculous comb over. Same thing.

 

"Pretend business?"

It's a real, brick and mortar premise she works at 6 days, she is sleeping in one room to save herself rental costs while the customer base grows...I've been there, I helped put up the signage on the front window...

How EXACTLY is that "pretend"

 

You're entitled to your opinion...

So am I.

 

You can't accept this notion of a younger woman and an older man.

She has to be a "thang" an empty airhead with no clue who flits about like a pretty butterfly.

She can't be a real person, with dreams, aspirations, goals. Smart, ambitious, aware of her choices. Perhaps she has allowed a situation to grow out of hand, and is seeking remediation...you may disagree with her methods,. but you know so little about the woman that you can't comment on her in any great detail.

And the man?

He has to be a pathetic sleezebag with insecurity issues.

No way can he be a confident, intelligent, outgoing guy, fit, secure, financially stable, good looking.

 

Nope, this concept can't fit in your head...better to insult people you don't know; cast aspersions you can't support; throw vitriolic nonsense to protect your own closeted view of love, sex, and relationships.

[RedRobin]

Sadly, not everyone is blessed with self awareness and good judgement.

 

 

I am not the only person on this thread telling you it's a bad idea. Why did you start this thread exactly?

Edited January 27, 2016 by RedRobin

[yxalitis]

Sadly, not everyone is blessed with self awareness and good judgement.

 

 

I am not the only person on this thread telling you it's a bad idea. Why did you start this thread exactly?

 

You are one of the few who flung wild accusations and personal comments into the mix:

"pretend business"

"insecurity issues"

 

I started the thread to see what people thought her motives were in seeking me out, and to see the general attitude towards younger woman.

 

Yes, lots of people outright dismiss the entire notion of a younger partner, yet long term happy relationships do exist with great age gaps than my example.

 

Is this one?

Who knows...but I'm not going to torpedo it on the basis of what society considers acceptable...

[ses]

Sorry about the confusion! Seriously though, good sex and companionship is not worth all this drama. Do you think she's seeing other men, besides you two? Are you okay with that? How can you trust her? I wouldn't trust her because she's proven herself to be dishonest through her actions. I hope you're being safe and using protection, OP. This is a recipe for disaster.

[yxalitis]

Sorry about the confusion! Seriously though, good sex and companionship is not worth all this drama. Do you think she's seeing other men, besides you two? Are you okay with that? How can you trust her? I wouldn't trust her because she's proven herself to be dishonest through her actions. I hope you're being safe and using protection, OP. This is a recipe for disaster.

 

I think the sex and companionship IS worth the drama...

You see, I have no illusions that this is 99% likely to simply stop...

I am prepared for that...

 

Definitely no other man..she is seeing me every night after work, and I stay over.

 

Do I trust her, WOULD I trust her if she dumped her BF and started seeing me.

Yes...as I understand her motives...

[Qboro90]

I think the sex and companionship IS worth the drama...

You see, I have no illusions that this is 99% likely to simply stop...

I am prepared for that...

 

Definitely no other man..she is seeing me every night after work, and I stay over.

 

 

I don't really see where your dilemma is with this situation other than falling for this girl and getting ahead of yourself too quickly about a future with her. But you don't seem to be at that point yet and acknowledge that this is likely going to end eventually for whatever reason.

 

So besides that.. What do we know as fact? This girl is 24, sexy, has a BF she has no problem cheating on, and finds you attractive as well as enjoyable to be around.

 

Ride the wave as long as you can bro. There's clearly some red flags... But you're 49, she's cheating on her BF.. There's gonna be red flags just on that alone.

How she's doing it is the bold thing. I mean she's blatantly embarrassing him in front of you and going out of her way to put you in those scenarios to witness it. So regardless of where things go with her, always keep in the back of your mind, that she is fully capable of doing something like that to a guy. So a couple months from now, don't get blind sided when you find out she's been sleeping with another guy or guys. She might not either... But just make sure you don't paint her out to be an angel who wouldn't do anything to hurt or embarrass you as well.

 

I don't think she's going to end up moving. Her business, plus the story about how her BF and her discussed the entire move, doesn't scream "long term stability" to me. And even if she does leave, I'd bet she ends up coming back eventually as well.

 

I haven't read this entire thread of Your posts but from what I understand she's been with this guy for a total of 11 months, 5 of which he's been in another country, and lived with him for a week. That's hardly something that has a strong deep rooted foundation and built to last. That being said, you also need to remember that this girl is NoT your girlfriend. She has no obligations to you at all and you can't exactly get mad at her or present her with consequences if she doesn't behave the way you'd want a partner to or give you what you're looking for.

 

She's also shown that she can be controlled and will submit to what s guy wants if pushed enough. I.E her BF insisting on facetiming her in her room every night along with your other examples. So if push comes to shove and she starts taking steps to leave.. You might have a last ditch Hail Mary effort in telling her she's not going and asserting that what you have together is more than what she's leaving for. But I wouldn't do that unless your backs against the wall and you can't bear this ending with her.

 

I also wouldn't bring up her BF or ask her questions about why she loves him or what their relationship is like. Don't be her shoulder to cry on or therapist. Doing that risks backfiring and building up the guilt enough that she ends things with you. As far as you're concerned her BF doesn't exist.

 

And definitely stop asking her "why me"? If she's a young attractive girl, she doesn't want to hear the guy she's sleeping with continually ask her to validate why in heavens name she's even talking to him let alone sleeping with him regularly. Have a little confidence and cockiness. You've obviously got something going for you. Don't let your insecurities resonate to her. If anything you want her to be the one thinking "why is this mature, well established, successful man putting up with me and being so good to me?".

 

But overall just enjoy the ride dude.

[yxalitis]

Good comment, thanks...

I just spent every night this week with her…it’s just a blast, she is such a fun, lively, sexy girl to be with.

Over the these days I can sense her falling for me, all the signs are there, the way she pays attention to me is profoundly focused. For a few days she was on her period, when she told me she phrased it:

“you’re gonna be upset…but…”

When I simply shrugged and said “So, happens right?” I could tell that shifted the dynamic, I wasn’t JUST after her for sex. That night was beautiful, just holding her and talking quietly.

I don't really see where your dilemma is with this situation other than falling for this girl and getting ahead of yourself too quickly about a future with her. But you don't seem to be at that point yet and acknowledge that this is likely going to end eventually for whatever reason.

 

So besides that.. What do we know as fact? This girl is 24, sexy, has a BF she has no problem cheating on, and finds you attractive as well as enjoyable to be around.

 

Ride the wave as long as you can bro. There's clearly some red flags... But you're 49, she's cheating on her BF.. There's gonna be red flags just on that alone.

How she's doing it is the bold thing. I mean she's blatantly embarrassing him in front of you and going out of her way to put you in those scenarios to witness it. So regardless of where things go with her, always keep in the back of your mind, that she is fully capable of doing something like that to a guy. So a couple months from now, don't get blind sided when you find out she's been sleeping with another guy or guys. She might not either... But just make sure you don't paint her out to be an angel who wouldn't do anything to hurt or embarrass you as well.

Yeah, the age and her easy infidelity are big signs that even if she DOES dump her BF, and shack up with me, that she’ll eventually find a younger, better looking guy, cheat with him, and leave me for him…BID RED FLAG!

IF things seem to progress, I will be having a frank talk to her about that.

[

I don't think she's going to end up moving. Her business, plus the story about how her BF and her discussed the entire move, doesn't scream "long term stability" to me. And even if she does leave, I'd bet she ends up coming back eventually as well.

 

I haven't read this entire thread of Your posts but from what I understand she's been with this guy for a total of 11 months, 5 of which he's been in another country, and lived with him for a week. That's hardly something that has a strong deep rooted foundation and built to last. That being said, you also need to remember that this girl is NoT your girlfriend. She has no obligations to you at all and you can't exactly get mad at her or present her with consequences if she doesn't behave the way you'd want a partner to or give you what you're looking for..

No, I don’t think she wants to move, but feels…obligated to. By all accounts she hasn’t done well ion love, her super sexy good looks attract men like flies, and most just want a bonk or two and move on.

This is part of why I accept her infidelity…this relationship she has is a joke, but she can’t see it because of her lack of experience.

Example, last night he rang about the car she is selling, he is “helping”

The way he talks to her…he belittles her, gives her no credit, doesn’t think she can handle it as she’s just a silly girl…this same girl running her own business, educating herself, moving her life forward.

So last night on the phone she lost it, she was yelling at him, telling him she doesn’t like the way he helps her, and I could hear him laughing…

“Don’t you f’ing laugh, I’m serious, you really make me angry now!”

Now, okay, everyone gets into a fight with their partner, but NONE of her conversations I’ve heard have been good.

She's also shown that she can be controlled and will submit to what s guy wants if pushed enough. I.E her BF insisting on facetiming her in her room every night along with your other examples. So if push comes to shove and she starts taking steps to leave.. You might have a last ditch Hail Mary effort in telling her she's not going and asserting that what you have together is more than what she's leaving for. But I wouldn't do that unless your backs against the wall and you can't bear this ending with her.

 

I also wouldn't bring up her BF or ask her questions about why she loves him or what their relationship is like. Don't be her shoulder to cry on or therapist. Doing that risks backfiring and building up the guilt enough that she ends things with you. As far as you're concerned her BF doesn't exist. .

This is the KEY aspect of her relationship I don’t understand…she HATES being controlled…

She does push back though, and she refused to video chat again that night to say “goodnight”

He must have called 20 times and sent 50 text messages…this guy is obsessed.

Apart from one night I got a little drunk and told her what I think of this guy, I’ve been using parables and analogies to illustrate my point.

Things like the story of the woman who met an Iraqi man, all was great until she went to Iraq to live with him, and he revealed himself as a misogynistic control freak, and she had to flee in terror

Or how two people in a healthy relationship bring out the best in each other, not the worst.

About how a man respects his partners freedom, will call once, if no answer, waits for her to call back…out of respect for her time and activities….

And definitely stop asking her "why me"? If she's a young attractive girl, she doesn't want to hear the guy she's sleeping with continually ask her to validate why in heavens name she's even talking to him let alone sleeping with him regularly. Have a little confidence and cockiness. You've obviously got something going for you. Don't let your insecurities resonate to her. If anything you want her to be the one thinking "why is this mature, well established, successful man putting up with me and being so good to me?".

 

But overall just enjoy the ride dude.

I only asked that question on this forum, with her I am perfectly calm and relaxed…

What I do is talk about our future as though the BF doesn’t exist, planning a trip to Japan later in the year, talking about getting a place together, opening a second shop, getting her some more training in some more business skills…etc.

She used to answer these comments with “no way” “never” “you’re dreaming”

But just this week, she’s started to talk along with me about them…

I have also said that she is mine, no none else’s, and that we deserve this happiness, we deserve each other.

Edited January 29, 2016 by yxalitis

[RedRobin]

Lol.... You'll be having a frank talk with her about her cheating.

 

Good luck with that.

 

You are too far gone and over your head in fantasyland. But whatever. Some people get plastic surgery when they can't handle getting older. Some people bend themselves into pretzels to get a younger partner. *shrug*. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess...

[yxalitis]

Lol.... You'll be having a frank talk with her about her cheating.

 

Good luck with that.

 

You are too far gone and over your head in fantasyland. But whatever. Some people get plastic surgery when they can't handle getting older. Some people bend themselves into pretzels to get a younger partner. *shrug*. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess...

 

Red...I understand your opinion, but you seem to cherry pick out a few comments to support your worldview...

If you aren't contributing...perhaps simply desist from posting...

[ses]

I really wouldn't plan anything long-term down the road with her. Do the right thing and end things with her now—especially if she's falling for you. Why are you prolonging the inevitable? Is the attention that addictive for you that you can't see the future heartbreak?

 

I remember hooking up with a guy who was a decade older than me a year and a half a while ago. I was sowing my wild oats and definitely wasn't seeking any commitment from him due to the age difference. I enjoyed being with him but I think we both knew it was a casual encounter, nothing more. If I were with someone your age I know I wouldn't take it seriously. How can I plan a life with someone when I'll be their eventual caretaker very shortly? It's a sad situation.

 

I'm pretty critical of your behavior because you know the fallout, and still want to pursue her. She may be unfaithful but she still has a boyfriend. She's probably not going to leave him for you, and if she does, I doubt she'll be a good partner considering her immaturity and lack of life experience. I feel like you're taking advantage of her youth to get what you want. Sex doesn't compensate for a dysfunctional and incompatible relationship. I'm assuming you're planning on being with other younger women in the future when this ends?

[RedRobin]

Red...I understand your opinion, but you seem to cherry pick out a few comments to support your worldview...

If you aren't contributing...perhaps simply desist from posting...

 

Nah, you're just in denial. Especially about the part where you think laying down the 'law' is going to change her from someone who has no problems cheating to someone who is faithful. Doesn't work like that.

 

I get it that lots of guys with this age difference do it because they think they can lay down the law and the woman will obey... But, lots, probably most... learn otherwise... The woman eventually wake up and move on... And you will be that much older, and she'll still have plenty of good years left to pursue a healthier relationship with someone she's more compatible with.

 

So yea, go ahead and indulge in this fantasy. If you can view it as just that, then you'll probably be fine.