The war between inside and outside

[The Poster]

As a single guy in his late twenties, I'm in a very profound spot in my life where I'm trying to make some changes to better myself and start truly LIVING life. I tend to spend a lot of time in solitude which I know isn't going to get me anywhere. It's time for me to get going.

 

I tend to struggle with this war. Inside vs Outside.

 

On the inside, I know I'm a champion. I'm confident and happy with my character and personality. Many of the qualities people are attracted to, I believe I possess. I'm kind and caring. I'm selfless. Old fashioned. Peaceful. Laid back but passionate. Funny. They're my strengths and I'm proud of them.

 

But the outside is where I tend to struggle. I suffer from perfectionism and it shoots down my confidence and self-esteem a lot. I often feel I'm not good enough. Not good looking enough. My teeth aren't nice enough. My hair isn't nice enough. My clothes aren't good enough. I'm sure you get the point.

 

I've been able to learn and understand, that the inside is what really matters, and my inner confidence is solid. I KNOW I'm good enough on the inside.

 

The question is, how do I win this war? How do I defeat the outside perception struggles? How do I live my life based on the good I have on the inside?

[Digger123]

When we pick ourselves apart on the outside ect. It's a reflection of something on the inside that is rooted in our subconscious that's a lie. Therefore one will pick themselves apart physically and never be satisfied until the root of the problem is corrected. For myself I suffered that very same thing and when I realized in my younger years that damaging words spoken to me actually had become my reflection as an adult. Hope that make sense.

[Digger123]

Believe it or not, you are improving with every step forward you take. Sometimes just taking a step forward even when we don't want to but doing it because we know its the right step to take is progress. My spiritual belief is that God is always at work behind the scenes when I don't feel like things are getting better. I remember the excruciating times that I just wanted to give up, hide and block people out of my life. The root of that was rejection from others. Therefore, I was rejecting myself. Sometimes I would speak out loud what I knew the truth was because I know that our subconscious has to hear my voice to believe it. It made a profound almost immediate change in my behavior. Separate your behavior from yourself rather than looking at it as if that is who you are. Our behavior stems from our foundation of childhood, and we become adults still reacting from that foundation and sometimes the foundation needs to be rebuilt with truth other than what we were raised to believe. I found a lot of guilt and shame I carried from my childhood into adulthood, and when I realized that spiritually that isn't what God intended, then I was able to let go of it. I will be honest I did have a very blunt harsh conversation with God and told him just exactly what I thought. He already knew what was in my heart, so it wasn't a surprise to Him. He just showed me grace and mercy and Loved me through it all and continues to do so. I hope that this helps. I felt that I needed to share my experience and that this to shall pass. One day you will look back and see that this was the groundwork for your wonderful future that God had for you all along. The best is yet to come. Don't look back because you are not going in that direction. Continue to look ahead one step at a time.

[Buddhist]

As a single guy in his late twenties, I'm in a very profound spot in my life where I'm trying to make some changes to better myself and start truly LIVING life. I tend to spend a lot of time in solitude which I know isn't going to get me anywhere. It's time for me to get going.

 

I tend to struggle with this war. Inside vs Outside.

 

On the inside, I know I'm a champion. I'm confident and happy with my character and personality. Many of the qualities people are attracted to, I believe I possess. I'm kind and caring. I'm selfless. Old fashioned. Peaceful. Laid back but passionate. Funny. They're my strengths and I'm proud of them.

 

But the outside is where I tend to struggle. I suffer from perfectionism and it shoots down my confidence and self-esteem a lot. I often feel I'm not good enough. Not good looking enough. My teeth aren't nice enough. My hair isn't nice enough. My clothes aren't good enough. I'm sure you get the point.

 

I've been able to learn and understand, that the inside is what really matters, and my inner confidence is solid. I KNOW I'm good enough on the inside.

 

The question is, how do I win this war? How do I defeat the outside perception struggles? How do I live my life based on the good I have on the inside?

 

You've perfectly described my struggle, and my existence. My advice? Get help now because this just exacerbates over time. I'm in my 40's now and I'm only just hitting the tip of the iceberg in understanding what's going on. While you are young you have the optimism of youth and that pretty much carries you forward thinking this is just a minor issue you can easily overcome. Once the years tick down this thing gains power as you succumb to negative mindsets brought on by continual failure and also social programming about age.

 

What happened with me is that I can pretty much do anything, I'm fearless, confident and I have the midas touch. And just when things are going really well I crash and burn and have to start over. I thought it was just the roll of the dice in life. But in actual fact it's programming within me that never allows me to get past a certain stage in life. Inside I am still 6yrs old emotionally and have severe difficulties with this. So I flip flop between grown adult, responsible, successful and confident and frightened child under the bed.

 

I learned to cope by switching my emotions off completely. They only have two modes, on/off. When they are on they overwhelm me and I have to take medication of some sort just to knock myself out because I cannot handle that state at all. I grew up in a narcissistic household and was blamed for everything. Emotions were heavily punished in me, so I split them off as a coping mechanism. The trouble with this is, when things are going well I feel positive emotion and then that starts the self destruct sequence because I actually fear feeling emotions. I then self sabotage the lot with reckless behaviour and am in crisis again.

 

I have tried everything to build self esteem but none of the usual things work. Experiencing success does not build confidence in me, it builds fear that eventually gets overwhelming. That's the way my brain is currently wired and it makes life extremely difficult for me. The answer is creating new neural pathways in the brain which is a daily, hourly and minute by minute process of awareness and effort. The sooner you get onto that, the less of your life you will waste in useless struggle.

[preraph]

Well, most of those things you mentioned you weren't happy with are fixable. So I'd start taking baby steps to save money to fix them, beginning with a professional haircut (don't go wherever you're going that you don't like it -- try a new place. Spend an extra $10). Save up to get your teeth fixed. Get help from a personal assistant at the department store men's department to help you pick out clothes that fit and look good. Always have them tailored or hemmed to make them look right on anything like a suit.

[truthtripper]

When we pick ourselves apart on the outside ect. It's a reflection of something on the inside that is rooted in our subconscious that's a lie. .

You think things are going great on the inside, but your subconscious always has more to tell you. It's a lifelong learning.

 

It's useful to just sit in silence for about 10 minutes everyday. Watch your thoughts/feelings come and go without judgement. Over time you will develop more awareness of what resides inside your subconscious and gain more control over your mind which will enable you to be more self-compassionate, self-accepting and peaceful within yourself.