Ex and Subtweets

[lakerman34]

This thread is going to feel like a high schooler wrote it (I promise), but I'm very interested in the psychology behind social media post breakup.

 

My ex and I weren't following each other on any social media platform other than Facebook. Instagram, we are both private (can't view each other's photographs), and Twitter, my profile is private and hers is public.

 

She is subtweeting (subliminal tweeting) a lot about me. She tends to use a LOT of platforms, but each platform minimally. I ran a little bit of an experiment. I learned that each time I make my profile private, she SIGNFICANTLY posts more -- and stuff related to me.

 

Now, mostly they are quotes about "moving on," "moving forward," and "getting rid of negativity," but they ALL are about relationships ending and moving forward a stronger person.

 

I'm pretty certain she is reading MY tweets when I'm public. We have been no contact for about 9 days now.

 

Does anyone subtweet without the intent of reaching a certain audience (i.e. is she trying to direct these tweets personally to me?)

 

I'm in this weird limbo state with her. She's the first person I "initiated" the breakup (though it wasn't typical -- sort of mutual), and it ended up being a "double breakup" (broke up day after Christmas, ended up hanging out, realizing that as soon as I walk out the door, that was it. 2 hours later, she broke NC and was sending me VERY affectionate stuff. Lasted about 2 weeks, then it stopped abruptly, so I sort of told her off asking her not to contact me again because she's highly disrespectful of my feelings. Haven't heard from her since).

 

Part of me wants to reach out because I don't like the way the whole thing played out. Left an AWFUL taste in my mouth. I don't necessarily want to rekindle the flame, I just want to be on good terms and, eventually, possibly, become friends b/c our relationship was more of a friendship than a romantic relationship.

[TaraMaiden2]

The concern is never, and should never be, what others do.

The concern is how you respond or react.

 

You're broken up.

She's your ex.

She really shouldn't be playing on your mind, or grabbing your attention, because the more attention you pay, the more you remain connected.

The fact that you see her and check her profile - breaks No Contact.

 

If you know what she's doing, then you're not doing the proper NC.

 

You're basically playing cat and mouse with her.

 

So frankly, you are really as much in the game, as she is.

 

Cut off all contact, blank her, block her and quit this "I'm interested in the psychology of social media"

 

If you're really THAT interested, study this forum.

But leave her well out of it.

 

You're still in touch.

And it's your doing.

Get your head round that.

[basil67]

And how many of your future girlfriends are going to be OK with you being good friends with your ex? And how will her future boyfriends feel about her being friends with you? I guarantee, it's going to cause problems for both of you - and that's assuming she even wants to be your friend.

 

Block her on all social media and move on.

[angel.eyes]

Five threads ruminating about the breakup... At some point you'll have to let go. As a first step, stop stalking her on social media and reading hidden meaning into what she does with others. She is moving on. (She called you selfish and self-centered and was distant even before the breakup. Emotionally she was already done and out the door.) You really need to start moving on as well. Hoping that things might turn into friendship here is a fool's errand.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude ...... you're obsessing. Instead of making your profile private to try to play some game, just block her and actually start to process the breakup. I mean, subtweets? Really dude?

[Chi townD]

 

Part of me wants to reach out because I don't like the way the whole thing played out. Left an AWFUL taste in my mouth. I don't necessarily want to rekindle the flame, I just want to be on good terms and, eventually, possibly, become friends b/c our relationship was more of a friendship than a romantic relationship.

 

 

That's EXACTLY what she wants you to do. It lets her know that you're still keeping tabs on her. It lets her know that you can't let go. It's let's her know that you're still interested in what's going on in her life. It gives her an ego boost.

 

 

Ignore it, give her nothing! You're silence will speak volumes to her. She has no idea if you're reading what she's posting, she has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea how you're feeling. She doesn't know if you're happy or sad. She has no idea if you're angry or just don't give a damn. YOU GIVE HER NOTHING!!!

 

 

Now, start focusing on your own healing and get into NC. If you're reading her subtweets, then you're not in NC because you're getting a glimpse into her life. So, get into NC and make positive changes to your life. Don't worry about what she's doing or saying.

[lakerman34]

I didn't realize that I was breaking NC. Interesting.

 

I thought NC only encompassed literally contacting her or trying to go see her.

 

I broke NC last night. I know this goes against the rules, but I sent her a FB message. It basically explained the breakup and any misunderstandings.

 

Normally, I'd post something like that on here or write it in a journal, HOWEVER, there was a lot of guilt that I was carrying. This morning, I woke up and felt a lot better. I apologized for mistakes I made. I think that's the grown up thing to do. I didn't expect a reply nor do I expect her to apologize. She's a child, so I expected her to react as such.

 

The letter was more for me, to alleviate my guilt, than it was to boost her ego. It worked. This morning, I feel as if a load has been taken off my shoulders. It's sort of like confessing your sins.

 

Also, this BU has caused me to reach out to a former ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. I am insecure in relationships because ALLLLL evidence from that relationship pointed to her cheating on me, so I've grown jaded towards real intense romantic relationships.

 

I asked her. She said, "I told you then, I'll tell you again, I did not cheat on you. I couldn't do that to you. You treated me well, it just wasn't going to work out. I'm sorry about your breakup."

 

Soon, I'm going to go to counseling to sort this all out. A lot of "relationship" stuff needs to be sorted out so when Miss Right walks into my life, I'm ready for her.

 

I've put up blockers so that I can't even ACCESS my newest ex's social media. I'll call today 'Day 1' of proper NC.

[darkbloom]

The NC guide is posted in Taramaiden's signature on the first reply of this thread. Read it. And then go back and read it again. And then put it into practice. You are not in NC. Your NC day 1 starts after you read it.

[Chi townD]

I didn't realize that I was breaking NC. Interesting.

 

I thought NC only encompassed literally contacting her or trying to go see her.

 

I broke NC last night. I know this goes against the rules, but I sent her a FB message. It basically explained the breakup and any misunderstandings.

 

Normally, I'd post something like that on here or write it in a journal, HOWEVER, there was a lot of guilt that I was carrying. This morning, I woke up and felt a lot better. I apologized for mistakes I made. I think that's the grown up thing to do. I didn't expect a reply nor do I expect her to apologize. She's a child, so I expected her to react as such.

 

The letter was more for me, to alleviate my guilt, than it was to boost her ego. It worked. This morning, I feel as if a load has been taken off my shoulders. It's sort of like confessing your sins.

 

Also, this BU has caused me to reach out to a former ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. I am insecure in relationships because ALLLLL evidence from that relationship pointed to her cheating on me, so I've grown jaded towards real intense romantic relationships.

 

I asked her. She said, "I told you then, I'll tell you again, I did not cheat on you. I couldn't do that to you. You treated me well, it just wasn't going to work out. I'm sorry about your breakup."

 

Soon, I'm going to go to counseling to sort this all out. A lot of "relationship" stuff needs to be sorted out so when Miss Right walks into my life, I'm ready for her.

 

I've put up blockers so that I can't even ACCESS my newest ex's social media. I'll call today 'Day 1' of proper NC.

 

 

You would like to think that you've eased your guilt, but you didn't. And you said that when you woke up this morning, you felt great! Well, OF COURSE you did!

 

 

You see, you're a crackhead! You're a speedfreak. You're a dopehead and an alcoholic! Well, that's what you have to view yourself as.

 

 

You're an addict trying to get clean. And your drug of choice is your Ex. And the funny thing is, you experience the SAME symptoms of an addict going through withdrawls. The break up happens, you can't eat. You can't sleep, you're easily irritated and the drug (your Ex) is CONSTANTLY on your mind. And some people, the pull of the drug gets to be too much. That's when we get people that are in NC asking if a closure meet up is a good idea. Or they say to themselves, "Hey, he/she left this item at my place. They may want this! Maybe I should email or text them to see if they still want this. Or better yet, maybe I just stop by their place and drop it off!" They're making excuses to get one last "fix" of the drug. After they get the fix, they usually feel good or guilty. One of the two.

 

 

You broke NC and contacted her. You tried to engage her. And now you feel good. Well, you just got your fix. But, in a few days, you're going to start asking yourself questions especially if she doesn't respond. You'll ask yourself, "Did she get my message? Wonder what she thought? I really thought she would have responded to that to see if she agreed to what I said. Should I drop her a line to see if she got it? To see if she read it?" See, you'll be looking for that next fix. Hell, you've probably looked at your phone a couple of times already today.

[mightycpa]

I have a different take. She's not doing this for you at all. She's processing her loss, looking for inspiration and guidance in these insipid quotes that people seem to post:

 

Moving on is a journey that starts with heavy steps and ends with dancing!

 

That's not for you. That's for her to show the world, and to inspire herself, that she's going to make it without you. She's advertising that she's done with you, that she's moving on, and I have to believe that part of it is she wants to build a public persona of having moved on so emphatically that it will prevent her from ever getting back with you... that it would be too embarrassing and make her lose face.

 

It's not for you and it's not about you. It's about her proving to the world and herself that she can be alone and be happy and independent, that she doesn't need to be with someone. Then within a month after all that stuff stops, she'll have a new BF.

[lakerman34]

You would like to think that you've eased your guilt, but you didn't. And you said that when you woke up this morning, you felt great! Well, OF COURSE you did!

 

 

You see, you're a crackhead! You're a speedfreak. You're a dopehead and an alcoholic! Well, that's what you have to view yourself as.

 

 

You're an addict trying to get clean. And your drug of choice is your Ex. And the funny thing is, you experience the SAME symptoms of an addict going through withdrawls. The break up happens, you can't eat. You can't sleep, you're easily irritated and the drug (your Ex) is CONSTANTLY on your mind. And some people, the pull of the drug gets to be too much. That's when we get people that are in NC asking if a closure meet up is a good idea. Or they say to themselves, "Hey, he/she left this item at my place. They may want this! Maybe I should email or text them to see if they still want this. Or better yet, maybe I just stop by their place and drop it off!" They're making excuses to get one last "fix" of the drug. After they get the fix, they usually feel good or guilty. One of the two.

 

 

You broke NC and contacted her. You tried to engage her. And now you feel good. Well, you just got your fix. But, in a few days, you're going to start asking yourself questions especially if she doesn't respond. You'll ask yourself, "Did she get my message? Wonder what she thought? I really thought she would have responded to that to see if she agreed to what I said. Should I drop her a line to see if she got it? To see if she read it?" See, you'll be looking for that next fix. Hell, you've probably looked at your phone a couple of times already today.

 

I've had a breakup like this in the past. This one is not the same.

 

I still hang out with friends, go out, my diet is fine, my sleep is fine, I don't keep looking at my phone, and I don't really care if she saw the message or not (I even told her in the message not to feel obligated to respond). This breakup isn't as hard on me as a real breakup.

 

Admittedly, I was also a little bit emotionally displaced before the relationship ended, and I had a consistent gut feeling that she wasn't right for me for months (probably since September). Still, that isn't to say that I didn't get to know her as a person and enjoy her company on a consistent basis.

 

Some nights, I couldn't even bare go to her house because I just didn't want to be around her. Still, doesn't mean I didn't care deeply about her.

 

Sometimes, she would say things that drove me CRAZY and I thought she was a nut.

 

There were a LOT of issues, but it still doesn't mean that I don't miss her.

[Chi townD]

I've had a breakup like this in the past. This one is not the same.

 

I still hang out with friends, go out, my diet is fine, my sleep is fine, I don't keep looking at my phone, and I don't really care if she saw the message or not (I even told her in the message not to feel obligated to respond). This breakup isn't as hard on me as a real breakup.

 

Admittedly, I was also a little bit emotionally displaced before the relationship ended, and I had a consistent gut feeling that she wasn't right for me for months (probably since September). Still, that isn't to say that I didn't get to know her as a person and enjoy her company on a consistent basis.

 

Some nights, I couldn't even bare go to her house because I just didn't want to be around her. Still, doesn't mean I didn't care deeply about her.

 

Sometimes, she would say things that drove me CRAZY and I thought she was a nut.

 

There were a LOT of issues, but it still doesn't mean that I don't miss her.

 

 

 

Hey, some people are more addicted than others. It all depends on how emotional attached we are to a person.

[Simon Phoenix]

Counseling would be a good thing, because you're certainly addicted. You wouldn't be trying to psychoanalyze subtweets (didn't even know that was a thing) and sending letters if you weren't. Being addicted happens -- I'm sure everyone on this board has been at one point or another. Being in denial of it isn't helpful though.

 

Whatever you do, do not give in to the urge to "clarify" your position. Because that urge will come up again. There will be something you regret saying, something you wish you said but you didn't, some choice of words that you'd like to revise, etc.

 

And so there's no confusion, what you were doing wasn't even remotely in the same neighborhood as No Contact. No Contact means no communication or no access to her in any way, shape or form.

[lakerman34]

Counseling would be a good thing, because you're certainly addicted. You wouldn't be trying to psychoanalyze subtweets (didn't even know that was a thing) and sending letters if you weren't. Being addicted happens -- I'm sure everyone on this board has been at one point or another. Being in denial of it isn't helpful though.

 

Whatever you do, do not give in to the urge to "clarify" your position. Because that urge will come up again. There will be something you regret saying, something you wish you said but you didn't, some choice of words that you'd like to revise, etc.

 

And so there's no confusion, what you were doing wasn't even remotely in the same neighborhood as No Contact. No Contact means no communication or no access to her in any way, shape or form.

 

I was talking to my roommate the past couple days about the BU. The thing that bothered me the most was how guilty I felt after some of the things I said and did during the relationship. Very unlike me. I go to bed and have dreams about them. I think it was unfair and mean, although I definitely did not intend for it to be.

 

The letter was to clear MY conscience. I actually don't care what she thinks of me, honestly. I remember telling myself during the relationship that I couldn't see myself marrying this girl and thinking that this is why most marriages fail -- people get sucked into these half-relationships and sort of go thru the motions. She and I would hang out a couple times a week and weekdays. We would watch movies, sleep, go out and eat. NOTHING ELSE.

 

I always cared and worked for her interests, she never indulged in a single one of mine (wouldn't catch a game with me, wouldn't go fishing with me, wouldn't go the aquarium/zoo with me).

 

There were good times, true, and characteristics that I will miss (she was the cutest), but there are other cute girls out there that can actually commit, something she had issues with.

 

I think my relationship issues are tied with parental issues and issues with trust. I don't think I'm addicted, I just think it's more of an insecurity and lack of trust on my part. I want to explore this more with a professional.

[Simon Phoenix]

You've started multiple threads on multiple boards about this breakup. I'm sorry, your words and actions aren't really meshing together.

[TaraMaiden2]

You've started multiple threads on multiple boards about this breakup. I'm sorry, your words and actions aren't really meshing together.

 

Or maybe they are. 'Obsessive' springs to mind...

 

"Obsessive is as obsessive does".....

[Learningtowalkagain]

The great thing about LS is you can be honest with everyone, none of us know each other, so it's best to tell the truth so people who've been there done that can help you out.

 

I got back with an ex who I dated for a year and we talked about marriage. A year later she pushed her way back into my life, telling me she loved me, and that I was her soul mate, she eventually decided she had second thoughts.

 

We had a nasty 2 days of text messages last week with her asking me to grab a drink some time. Yesterday on messenger I declined her invite and said I have no interest in being friends with her. I blocked her number on my phone, unfriended her and any family or friends I met through her on fb because I needed to for my own sanity. I have mental health issues (ocd), so while I would like to be in her life it's not possible and the only way to start the healing process is to go NC.

 

By checking up on her and messaging her, you're just delaying the inevitable. Maybe you feel guilty, but it seems like with the stuff she's posting she just wants to move on and forget about you. You should do the same.

[spriggan2]

Lol I was insanely in love with a girl who turned out to be a narcissistic sociopath, and she exploited the fact that she was my first GF to hurt me and use me and disrespect me at every turn. When she got bored she dumped me quite insensitively and my parting words were...I love you.

 

If I managed to withstand the overwhelming compulsion to shoot off a hateful email full of overdue bile, you can too. F-ck that b-tch

Edited January 21, 2016 by spriggan2